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MIL, mental illness, need to vent


hillfarm
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I just spent two days cooking, a nice chunk of change, and much of my Saturday making the special frozen meals that my mil has told us she loves to get from us for her birthday. She just turned 83. My dd spent time digging for a pretty photo of mil back in her teens and posted it on FaceBook with nice birthday greetings. My husband carried all the food in for his dm and helped her put it in the freezer.

 

And she tore into him, picked such a fight that we had to leave immediately, practically in mid-sentence with other family members.

 

MIL is a hoarder, in the classical, clinical sense of the term. Dh is claustrophobic. He can't stay in her house more than just a couple of minutes at a time. Since her home has gotten so bad that there are no seats available any more, we usually meet her next door at her sister's. Today dh volunteered to carry the birthday food over to mil's since it was a bit too heavy for her to carry herself. It took her a long time to dig a path to her freezer, so he was getting pretty antsy. She started making excuses, whining that she had no one to help her clean the place up. When she got down the list of everyone who would not help to including dh and me, he finally lost his cool. He told her that wasn't true, that both he and I have repeatedly offered to help her. Then she went off the deep end. Said mean, untrue things about him, about me, even about our dd and MY dm. He won't even tell me what she said about me because he knows my temper is worse than his. He practically came running out of her house to the aunt's, told dd and I we needed to leave, and jumped in the car. He has a pretty intense temper and the only way he can deal with his dm is to leave when she starts getting hateful. He was so upset. I hate seeing him that way.

 

So I will tell you all what I won't go tell my mil. She is incredibly lucky to have him for a son. He does more than anyone else for her and truly honors her as his mother. He never rises to her bait, even when she sorely deserves it. Our dd is the last kid I know to get "everything she wants". She works very hard to earn and save for most of her luxuries. I go out of my way to make sure mil has the things she needs. I take her soft foods when she is sick. I drive her to doctor's appointments. I even took the time to send food from our family Christmas celebration to her ailing boyfriend (that I don't even like). My dm frequently takes up for mil when I get frustrated with her, she has always been gracious and kind to her. We all try hard to show her honor, respect and love. And if all she can do is throw that back in our faces, then I'd be glad to try not doing those things. Perhaps doing everything for herself and being lonely will be more pleasing to her than our help and company.

 

Feel free to throw all that food I just made you (all your favorites that you don't cook anymore) right out into the trash. Don't feel obligated to eat it. Don't worry about the FB photo with all the comments about how beautiful you are. We won't make the mistake of doing that again. You have become a mean, spiteful person. I don't know what of your behavior is mental illness and what is just a nasty personality, but I do know that you are driving us away. You are setting yourself up for a sad, lonely, miserable rest of your life. And while we will never let you go homeless or hungry, you have made sure that we will do so only at a safe distance. Sorry it has to be this way, but I will not subject my family and myself to any more of your abuse. Happy birthday.

 

(Sorry, just needed to vent in a safe place, so I can be calm and consoling to my dh and dd. Thanks for the listening ear.)

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No advice. We ate a gorgeous meal that was prepared for BIL who is quite ill. It was refused and I was told maybe if I make it again tomorrow that my husband could bring it by. Right there with you," I will not subject my family and myself to any more of your abuse." God awful behaviour abounds. I am so sorry that your love, hard work and money was belittled by someone who cannot possibly give of themselves in this way. That is part of the problem isn't it? They cannot conceive of being loved despite being essentially unlovable. So they throw love freely offered back at those who have not abandoned them. God bless you and your family for trying desperately to help her. I am sorry you are frustrated and hurting . Vent away. kind soul, vent away. :grouphug:

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I'm very sorry. :grouphug:

 

You don't say if this is a new development, the attacking, or if it's a recent thing (by this I mean, has she always been this way, or is it the last few yrs? You say he doesn't rise to her bait, but I don't know if it's pretty recent thing or forever).

 

If it's more recent than not, I'd be wondering about dementia. That goes for the hoarding as well (again, I don't know if this is recent onset, or she's always been this way).

 

Either way, dementia, mental illness, personality disorder can be very difficult and draining to deal w/. :grouphug:

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She had a very minor tendency in this direction for most of her life. It really came to the forefront about 5 years ago, when she got engaged to one of her boyfriends. It was like someone flipped a switch and she got really mean, lost a number of lifelong friends, became a hoarder, etc. So long as things are on a very superficial level, we usually get along pretty well. However, if anything is said about her hoarding, she gets very ugly, very quickly.

 

At her request, we took her to the beach last October. She actually said to me on that trip that she was 82 and she didn't have to be nice anymore. I don't know - is that dementia, some other mental illness or just a snotty personality beginning to assert itself?

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She had a very minor tendency in this direction for most of her life. It really came to the forefront about 5 years ago, when she got engaged to one of her boyfriends. It was like someone flipped a switch and she got really mean, lost a number of lifelong friends, became a hoarder, etc. So long as things are on a very superficial level, we usually get along pretty well. However, if anything is said about her hoarding, she gets very ugly, very quickly.

 

At her request, we took her to the beach last October. She actually said to me on that trip that she was 82 and she didn't have to be nice anymore. I don't know - is that dementia, some other mental illness or just a snotty personality beginning to assert itself?

 

 

I'm not an expert as I've only had 2 parents. But, sounds like the old "hardening of the ateries" to me. It's a pretty common pattern. Not easy to deal with, but if you can keep yourself at arms length and not realize this person is doing it on purpose, it makes it much easier to handle. Steel yourself. It could be a long road. :grouphug:

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I can only say I am sorry, and am living that life right now. Dh's mother has lived with us for the past 10 years, and has recently required intensive care. She has a tendency towards hoarding, and has the attitude that "things" are what it's all about.

 

It is so frustrating to provide love and support only for it to be thrown in one's face. Personally, I can only take so much of that. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for what you do. Even if noone else appreciates it.

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Well...

 

If her home is hazardous, calling someone either in Family services (they usually have folks that work w/at risk elderly) or the Health Dept could kinda force her hand in terms of getting a psych assessment. That this has turned in the last 5 yrs seems to point to a health issue.

 

Then again, folks who have personality disorders seem to get drastically worse as they age, so...

 

Best of luck.

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Hoarding doesn't start from "nothing." The hoarding itself is sign of underlying mental illness, that has been around for awhile just for it to have progressed TO that stage of hoarding. I know it's hard. If you knew it was a brain tumor, she was confined to a wheelchair, etc. it would be easier becasue you could "see" what is wrong. she is "wrong in the head" and you handled it about as well as anyone could.

 

I'm sorry she can't express appreciation.

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She actually said to me on that trip that she was 82 and she didn't have to be nice anymore. I don't know - is that dementia, some other mental illness or just a snotty personality beginning to assert itself?

if she was never like that before - dementia.

If she was, but kept it hidden - snotty personality asserting itself. I had the same conversation with my grandmother. (I'm pretty sure she had a personality disorder).

I asked her if she was a child or an adult (as in - if you're an adult ACT. LIKE. IT.) "I'm an old woman" (as in "I can do what I want")

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Mental illness plus dementia is horrible. I've been there. Mine also had a violent tendancy that got worse and worse as the years went by. It got so bad that she had to be institutionalized with no visitors for a time.

 

Bottom line, you can't reason with someone who is mentally ill. You can't reason with someone who has dementia. They look at things totally different than you do. At one point a psychologist told me, "Do what gives you peace, and don't expect anything back."

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:grouphug: I'm sorry you're dealing with this. We've had diagnosed Alzheimer's on both my and my dh's side, and it stinks. My beloved Dad, who was in the middle stages of Alzheimer's when he died (of something else), also made the comment about being old so he didn't have to guard his speech anymore. It tore my heart, like many other things.

 

If your mil is getting dementia, it sucks. If she's just mean, it sucks. :grouphug:

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She had a very minor tendency in this direction for most of her life. It really came to the forefront about 5 years ago, when she got engaged to one of her boyfriends. It was like someone flipped a switch and she got really mean, lost a number of lifelong friends, became a hoarder, etc. So long as things are on a very superficial level, we usually get along pretty well. However, if anything is said about her hoarding, she gets very ugly, very quickly.

 

At her request, we took her to the beach last October. She actually said to me on that trip that she was 82 and she didn't have to be nice anymore. I don't know - is that dementia, some other mental illness or just a snotty personality beginning to assert itself?

 

Two thoughts for you:

 

First of all, what I highlighted in blue really stands out to me. Your dh rarely goes inside her home. She knew he was uncomfortable there. Even though he did not say anything to start this, she responded just as though the hoarding had been attacked. I doubt she remembers half the ugly things she said, and I doubt she believed any of the specifics of what she said. She was lashing out about the hoarding as she always does. Perhaps? Just a thought.

 

My other thought is that this is very typical of aging. The constraints in our minds and hearts on good manners and restraint in speech slip slowly away. Whatever habits a person has built over time internally or externally will become more pronounced. A person's tendency towards the positive or towards the negative will become more pronounced. For example, a friend of mine had a mil who was a generally negative, critical woman. It wasn't *that* bad though, until she became truly elderly. Unfortunately she was no longer "kinda negative"--she instead became absolutely poisonous. Everything she said was just awful. Because of this, she lost everything. My friend could not allow her children (the much-beloved grandchildren) to be around mil because of the awful things she said. Her son forced himself to visit weekly, but the visits were never long because of how nasty she was. The staff at the senior center actively disliked her, and she lost every friend she'd ever had. I contrast that to my husband's grandma, who was kind and chuckling and soooo sweet to the day she died. She had so many family and friends around her. I think of my own darling mil, who is also very kind and cheery and laughs a lot--as she is experiencing aging issues, she laughs even more, bless her.

 

It sounds quite painful, and I am sorry for how it must hurt. :grouphug:

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:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

My dad was diagnosed as bi-polar last year. Now that he is medicated, we can have the relationship we've never had. The lead-up to his mental breakdown nearly took me down, as well. Unfortunately, he would never go to the doctor for a mental health issue until it was nearly too late. I'm sure your MIL is just as stubborn and in just as much denial. I'm so sorry your family has to deal with it.

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At her request, we took her to the beach last October. She actually said to me on that trip that she was 82 and she didn't have to be nice anymore. I don't know - is that dementia, some other mental illness or just a snotty personality beginning to assert itself?

 

:grouphug:

 

 

My grandmother announced at around 78 that she had finally reached an age where she can speak her mind.... and boy does she.... all the family take it as a bit of joke behind her back. Humor helps greatly.

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