Our dd got enganged, question about weddings

[TravelingChris]

SO my older dd is engaged with our blessing since they aren't going to get married for 2 .5 years, most probably. Now here is are some of my questions>

 

1) His side of the family is really big and ours isn't. If we were paying, is it still okay that we give a limit of guests for each side- so like even if he has more than 100 relatives, we don't end up with a humongous wedding. I know my dd thinks that 200 people at the wedding is about the max she would want. Obviously if we plan for 200 and we don't have 100 to invite (I am not at all sure how many we will be inviting and that problem will be the next question), we would let his side invite more.

 

2. Am I wrong to want the wedding in our city? I don't want to pay for a wedding in some other state and I also want our friends there, people who have been super supportive of our dd in her medical issues. People who have taken her to the ER when we were out of town, who took her to medical visits, who have been inviting her to their homes, one who has been visiting her weekly as a support, etc.

 

3. OUr financial situation is this- we are not rich but not poor. My husband is still AD military. In 2.5 years, he will be retired (almost certainly) and probably working in another well paid position plus earning retirement pay. At that point, we should be able to afford a nice wedding. Our dd is very thrifty and does not want to spend thousands on wedding dresses. I think the major expense is catering. We would be able to afford about 200 people, most likely. Obviously we could do more if there was no meal but I like to have things nice. I figure 10k is the most I want to spend on the whole thing, but that all depends on whether my dh gets employed, how much he is making, etc.

 

4. If my dd, who is still not diagnosed, ends up getting a dire diagnosis which necessitates a quicker wedding, a simple wedding with light appetizers and cake would be all we could do or really want to do in that circumstance.

 

 

Any thoughts?

[Unicorn.]

Weddings are usually in the hometown of the bride. Sometimes, if the kids are paying for it, and/or they have been out on their own for a while, it might be in the current city of where the bride and groom live. My cousin's son recently got married, and his family lives on one side of the state (tx) and her's on the other. They got married in the middle, which I thought was kind of neat.

 

They will just have to accept the number of guests, unless they want to help pay for it (which, in this day and age, I think should become the norm. But that brings it's own problems).

 

I think 200 sounds lovely, and I especially agree w/ your wanting all the people who have helped her through her illness/emergencies to be there. I think it's ok to give some of your guest limit to his side, if you won't be inviting all of your "half".

 

Congrats to your dd!

[Ottakee]

What thoughts does your dd and her boyfriend have on this? We were very low key with everything and our wedding including the reception was about $500.

 

Why are they waiting 2 1/2 years?

 

Let them decide where they would like the wedding and then if it isn't local to you, you could always have a reception/get together after the wedding for local people. We do that with many military kids from church.

[Harriet Vane]

It's fine to have the wedding locally. It's traditional for weddings to be at the bride's home town.

 

It's also fine to set a budget. The groom's family may well offer to help pay. Dh's family paid for quite a bit of our wedding, and dh and I contributed as well. That's getting more and more normal these days.

 

My wedding was 160ish people, and it was lovely. It felt big to me. In many ways, if I were doing it all over I would want it to be smaller.

[FaithManor]

Well, our dd gets married this summer and we are paying for the wedding. His parents can just afford to pay for his tux and get themselves here. That's about it. They are not in a good financial place.

 

DD is not an extravagant person by nature and wants a pretty, but small wedding. We set a comfortable budget and so far, everything is falling within that range. As it turned out, I've saved in a few areas. However, the single biggest way to have a beautiful wedding and not break the bank is A. DO NOT hire a wedding coordinator - do everything yourself. B. Keep the reception small.

 

Neither one of them wanted more than 100 people and the reality is that some of our relatives and his from out-of-state will not be able to travel here. So, 80 looks to be about the number of guests we'll have. Since we are paying for it in it's entirety, I would NEVER have entertained having it anywhere else because it just would have cost us a lot more money. I think it's okay to draw that line in the sand. If it were say a 50/50 proposition then I think a mutually agreeable half-way point would have been necessary or concessions made to one side or the other to have it here, but that's not how it is turning out.

 

How we handled it was that when they became engaged and said, "We'd like to have a wedding, but we don't know what we can afford with what we make and the cost of getting started in life together, can you help us figure out what we can afford?" We sat down and said we would like to pay for the event and this is how much we were willing to do. If the event comes in under budget, they will get the difference to help them out. Believe me, I've looked for ways to make that happen for her from making bazillions of fabric flowers because they make gorgeous, vintage looking bouquets at a fraction of the cost of having a florist make up live or even silk, to hiring a 4-H leader who caters on the side and uses responsible 4-H teens in the culinary arts department to help in exchange for recommendations, thus cutting the price for food by $3.00 per person and having NICER food to boot, to deciding that we would purchase the tablecloths, napkins, and such since it was only slightly more expensive than renting (got a 30% and free shipping deal on a place that was already VERY reasonable anyway) and have lined up a wedding planner to purchase them from me used at half-price which means that the cost for linens came in very low, to having the grandmas make some of the desserts, to.....you get the picture. She will come in under budget and they'll have a little "emergency" money for their bank account because of it.

 

As for the future in-laws, when dear son-in-law-to-be said that he really didn't think his parents had anything to contribute due to financial crisis, we just sent them a lovely letter detailing that we think he's wonderful and will be a great addition to our family, that we would be happy to pay for the event so arrangements would be on our terms, and that we would do everything we could to make it an event in which they would only need to pay for their own transportation and hotels without other additional expenses...they were thrilled and there was not one peep about wishing it was being held at a different location or in their home town. Had there been a peep, I would have gently said, here is the budget, when can I expect a check for your half? Of course, that never happened and we are all getting along well.

 

If your dd's health indicates that a waiting for an idea is not a wise idea, I think that a dessert reception is absolutely fine. There are considerations that are much bigger than whether or not guest A or B thought there should be a meal, or a big reception, or fine dining, or whatever.

 

And yes, catering can be a big expense.

 

Personally, if you get that number down from 200 to say 125 at most, it might be better for your dd's health in the longer term anyway. Maybe even only 75-100. It's a lot of people to greet, to hug, to...you get the picture. The larger the number the guests, the more wearing it is and of course the louder it is. I've been to big weddings (400-700), mid-size (150-300), and small (less than 150) and the small ones are always, always, always the best. However, sometimes there are just so many people to be offended that limiting the guest list doesn't bear thinking about...btdt...my parents invited 350 to our wedding, his parents invited 50, and we ended up with 321....GACK! I.was.exhausted.

 

Happy planning and congratulations! You and I can lament later about the current fashions in "mother-of-the-bride" attire.

 

Faith

[Katy]

I think it's more appropriate to give them a budget and let her plan the wedding and make such decisions with her fiance. He might be one of those modern grooms who has very definite ideas about the kind of wedding he wants. There's no problem saying that you really hope to keep it around 200 and locally, but it's their wedding. Those details are really up to them. Also keep in mind that depending on where you are in the country, the catering bill alone could cost 10 grand, especially if food prices continue to rise as the media's been projecting.

[elfgivas]

when our oldest got married, a big cost saver was that she got married in the morning, and the reception was a luncheon. the same food at the same place was almost double if it were served in the evening! we also noted that people drink less at noon than at 9pm. we did not do an open bar. again, at noon, it seems almost silly to have one. so there was wine with lunch and champagne, and a selection of beers for those who preferred that with their lunch. we set the budget and then his folks decided to contribute the same amount, as they wanted it to be more extravagent. we left it up to the bride and groom to figure out how many they could invite to fit the budget. they did choose to get married in their university town, where his parents also lived, which is about 6 hours from where we live. we invited friends from here, and a few came, but most didn't due to distance.

 

hth,

ann

[Ellie]

SO my older dd is engaged with our blessing since they aren't going to get married for 2 .5 years, most probably. Now here is are some of my questions>

 

1) His side of the family is really big and ours isn't. If we were paying, is it still okay that we give a limit of guests for each side- so like even if he has more than 100 relatives, we don't end up with a humongous wedding. I know my dd thinks that 200 people at the wedding is about the max she would want. Obviously if we plan for 200 and we don't have 100 to invite (I am not at all sure how many we will be inviting and that problem will be the next question), we would let his side invite more.

 

2. Am I wrong to want the wedding in our city? I don't want to pay for a wedding in some other state and I also want our friends there, people who have been super supportive of our dd in her medical issues. People who have taken her to the ER when we were out of town, who took her to medical visits, who have been inviting her to their homes, one who has been visiting her weekly as a support, etc.

 

3. OUr financial situation is this- we are not rich but not poor. My husband is still AD military. In 2.5 years, he will be retired (almost certainly) and probably working in another well paid position plus earning retirement pay. At that point, we should be able to afford a nice wedding. Our dd is very thrifty and does not want to spend thousands on wedding dresses. I think the major expense is catering. We would be able to afford about 200 people, most likely. Obviously we could do more if there was no meal but I like to have things nice. I figure 10k is the most I want to spend on the whole thing, but that all depends on whether my dh gets employed, how much he is making, etc.

 

4. If my dd, who is still not diagnosed, ends up getting a dire diagnosis which necessitates a quicker wedding, a simple wedding with light appetizers and cake would be all we could do or really want to do in that circumstance.

 

 

Any thoughts?

 

The bride's parents are the hosts of the wedding. They get to decide where the wedding will be held, how many guests each side of the family may invite, and .what the reception will be like.

 

You do NOT need to have a sit-down catered dinner for the wedding to be nice. Really. Just have the wedding early enough in the day that a full meal would not be expected, and have the wedding cake and lght appetizers (and punch and other beverages, of course). And lots of flowers. :-)

[Audrey]

It is perfectly acceptable and even expected that the bride will marry in her own hometown or area of residence. It is also perfectly acceptable to tell the couple that you will be able to commit $xx to the cost of the wedding. They can then plan within that budget, or finance extras through other means, whether that means his family chips in or they couple covers the excess.

 

I agree with the PP who said don't hire a wedding coordinator. My SIL will kill me for saying that, but she makes what I consider to be an outrageous fee for even the smallest of weddings. You can definitely do all of the planning yourself. I have seen many, many books on the subject of planning a wedding, even ones that are sort of like little workbooks with checklists for everything. Don't be afraid to ask for best prices on everything. Wedding coordinators do that all the time. The wedding business is very competitive. You can always get a better price, just ask for it. Give several caterers a very firm per plate budget and let them fight it out to see who will get your business. Don't forget to ask for catering quotes with full descriptions of all menu items and all services provided -- are they providing servers, plates/cutlery, linens, set-up and clean-up, etc.?

 

Congratulations and good luck!

[TravelingChris]

Thanks, you all are a great help.

[Melissa in Australia]

I can hardly imagine a wedding with 200 people. It seems so huge to me.

[TXBeth]

I think the wedding style, location, and even the guest list are mostly up to the bride and groom. What is up to you is how much you are willing to pay.

[Mergath]

I wouldn't plan too much at this point. A lot can change in two and a half years.

[Chris in VA]

I agree with Mergath. I had a long engagement, and frankly, the pressure of having the arrangements made already contributed to me not saying anything about the misgivings I had. Everything worked out fine and I've been happily married for 27 years, but I would just wait until you are about a year closer to the date. (And I wouldn't set the date yet.)

Don't wait too long, tho, esp if she wants to be married in June!

 

Congratulations on everything!

 

Oh, and agreeing also with the whole "bride's hometown, bride's fam pays and sets the budget" etc stuff.

[redheadmom]

You can have a wedding for 10k if you plan well. If you are in Huntsville, then absolutely! I did a small one there over the summer for about that amount.

 

Here is where your money will break down for the large items:

Venue - most traditional venues will cost 1-3k. Churches would be less. There are also a few non traditional venues in Huntsville that cost much less.

 

Food - Traditionally a seated meal will cost more than a buffet. You can think outside the box and have catering from a restaurant. Another way to save is to switch around the primary food e.g. baked potato bar

with BBQ as a topping.

 

Photography - This one can be huge. The better the photography, the more it costs. I see this running anywhere from 1- 6k.

[UrbanSue]

My family the most functional entity out there but I'm surprised at the level of parental involvement implied. I would think you'd tell the couple how much you can afford (and the groom's parents do the same if they want to kick in) and the couple decides on the guest list and how to allocate funds. But maybe that isn't traditional everywhere.

 

I just wanted to affirm that the time of day you hold the wedding makes a huge difference. We were married at noon and held a light reception under a tent in the backyard of the church. We found a just-starting-out catered to provide really yummy and elegant sandwiches, cheese, and fruit. We had simple but nice drinks and no big sit down meal. It was so inexpensive that we could invite as many people as we wanted. We even did some last minute invites as well. We ended up connecting with a few old friends a few weeks before the wedding because I was back "home" for it and we were glad they could come.

 

And I also agree that starting all that planning 2.5 years in advance will be pretty stressful. Wedding planning can really get all-consuming. I'd wait a year before deciding too much.

[FaithManor]

My family the most functional entity out there but I'm surprised at the level of parental involvement implied. I would think you'd tell the couple how much you can afford (and the groom's parents do the same if they want to kick in) and the couple decides on the guest list and how to allocate funds. But maybe that isn't traditional everywhere.

 

 

 

Normally, this would have been out tactic. However, dd works 4 - 12 hour night shifts and one 8 hour per week as a medic. She has 1 2/3 hours of travel time and often ends up with overtime since just because it's time for your shift to be up, that doesn't mean you aren't with a patient giving care, transporting, or writing reports. So a typical day begins at 4:00 p.m., up and getting read for work, in the car by 5:00, on shift by 6:00 p.m., on her way home anywhere between 6:15 a.m. and 8:30 a.m., home 50 minutes after she leaves, eat, go to bed, and the whole thing starts over again with on a good day, 8 hrs. sleep and on a bad, only 6. She has to maintain her sleep schedule when she isn't working, so she is only available during business hours after 4:00 p.m. and many businesses are here close at 5:00 or 5:30. As a result, it is REALLY hard for her to do the work of planning the wedding and contracting for services. Generally, she spends the evenings on the internet with him, they discuss and make decisions and show me what they like, we look at the budget, and then I make everything happen. I don't mind. Ideally, it would be good for them to be "taking care of business", but he's out-of-state and taking the last three classes he needs to graduate college plus working part-time and trying to get an internship for this semester, and she's working an unforgiving schedule that makes it really tough for her just to make it to the bank much less do anything else. So, I'm the go-to-gal. I consider it a privilege to be trusted with all of the details and am truly happy to do that for them.

 

Faith

[AimeeM]

I think it's more appropriate to give them a budget and let her plan the wedding and make such decisions with her fiance. He might be one of those modern grooms who has very definite ideas about the kind of wedding he wants. There's no problem saying that you really hope to keep it around 200 and locally, but it's their wedding. Those details are really up to them. Also keep in mind that depending on where you are in the country, the catering bill alone could cost 10 grand, especially if food prices continue to rise as the media's been projecting.

 

I agree. Give her the budget, but let her plan it.

[JFSinIL]

I got engaged to hubby when I was in Illinois. I am from California. He has a big family - he is one of six kids. I am odlest of three.

 

Since I was the bride I got to choose - and we got wed in California, where all my family was. It was fun - planning a wedding long distance in the pre-internet/email days! ;-) I planned our honeymoon, too - since it was a two-week jaunt up the coast and to San. Francisco, Yosemite, etc. to show off my home state to my Illinois-bred hubby.

 

Your dd and you get to choose the wedding site (ok, the finance gets to smile and nod and agree with his bride-to-be here) so do it in your hometown. Fine to limit the number of guests - pick a small venue (we used the college chapel where I got my BA and where my mom still worked) as that helps limit the guest list ("Your side of the chapel seats 50" or whatever).

 

My in-laws planned a second reception for us a month or so after we got back to Chicago post-honeymoon, to show us off to friends and relatives unable to make the trip to California. I wore my dress again. It was fun! They paid for the second reception - it was "their" party to show us off.

 

If you need to limit the wedding due to financial reasons, or whatever reason, talk it over with the couple - and let the young man handle letting his folks know what to expect.

 

BTW - my mom MADE my dress - it cost about $100 for materials. I got measured over my Christmas visit (wedding in April) and was told in no uncertain terms to NOT gain or lose weight! Of course, my mom had been making her own dresses for years, so knew what she was doing. My teen dd's now watch those wedding shows and talk about how many thousands we parents will need to spend on their dresses someday - I smile and tell them I will spend as much as my folks did ;-)

 

We also timed it so the reception was mid-afternoon - and had a buffet line of appetizers, not a sit-down meal.

 

sorry for any typos -

[Lorien]

No advice....congrats and have fun....and maybe you might want to edit the thread title if you can. :001_smile:

[J-rap]

2.5 years is a long ways away. I don't think I'd be thinking too much about it at this point. Things will probably just evolve as the time gets closer.

 

Things are different these days, many people do not have the same old traditions. If you are paying, I would put a limit on the amount spent. If they want to invite a lot of people, then it's just cake and ice cream. If they're happy with a smaller crowd, then maybe a meal. I would never assume the fiance's family was paying for half or even part anymore, whether it's the bride or the groom. (But of course if they offer, that's great!) If the bride and groom want to contribute beyond what you have budgeted, that's also great!

[Garga]

Don't scrimp on the photographs. Everything else on that day will be gone by the next morning, but the pictures last forever. Wedding photography is very hard work. If you are charged less than $2k, be suspicious. Make sure they will not just hand you a disc of pix. Make sure they will edit each and every picture. Ask for extensive examples of other weddings they've done, not just other photos. Weddings are all about a photographer being quick on his or her feet. If the person does lovely nature scenes, that doesn't mean they can capture those wedding moments. Wedding photography can easily run into the $6-8k range.

 

A good photographer will have thousands of dollars of equipment, untold hours of prior experience, and will spend hours and hours editing your wedding pix. And, they should have them printed for you.

[PrincessMommy]

Everyone is giving you great food for thought. One considerataion on the amount of people is the venue. My daughter married an only, but he was a priest's son so they had a lot of people they needed to invite. We had the big family. So, we cut it off at 200 people. I quickly found out that most of the cheaper places for the reception have a cap at 150. There were only 2-3 places where we could host 200 and they were all quite expensive. Two of the venues I HAD to use their catering services and they both started at $50 a plate.

 

My daughter's husband had pretty strong opinions about what he wanted, so we gave them a tight budget. I still had to do a lot since dd was in school and it was a killer semester. Most of the money went to food/rental of the hall.

[Julie in CA]

Well, I'm currently the mother of the groom, and the guest list is problematic.

In making the guest list for our side, my ds is inviting two friends. Only two, because even with inviting no friends at all, and only close family, we're at around 80 people. That's not far-flung relatives, that's just the close ones. The bride's mother has asked us to trim the list more, and honestly, though I'm usually easy-going, I'm having a terrible time with doing that. There are simply no more people to cut that will not cause lots of real sadness about not witnessing ds say "I do".

If the groom will be in that same position, please, *please* do whatever you have to in order to allow him to invite his loved ones.

Cake & punch receptions with people who really love you are better than fancier receptions where loved ones must be left out. :-(

 

Oh, and we have offered to help financially in whatever way they would allow, but the bride's family declined any help with wedding expenses.

[Anne in CA]

I didn't read all the answers but here are my thoughts as someone who has worked at wedding for years.

 

#1. You are right about catering being your biggest expense. Unless you or your dd is a sucker for flowers. Flowers could sink you if you are not careful, lol. Deals with catering a wedding can be had by thinking outside the box. Hiring an independent caterer to cater at a place like a park or relatives house may be more expensive than a hotel. Small caterers charge mileage, they charge horrifically for alcohol, (which is another story and could easily be your biggest expense if you spring for hosted drinks) and they often charge for each server and chef who serves you. They also rent everything, all plates and linens. Guess who pays for that? You do. You probably will pay a 19% gratuity on top of that that your minimum wager servers will never see. And you will be able to tell the help is all minimum wage.

 

A large hotel will have all their own linens, plates, servers and housemen to set everything up. You will not pay extra for those things. Having a wedding in January can be a real bargain in a hotel, it is not convention season and they are grateful for the business. You will pay a gratuity of more than 20%, but unless you do Marriott your servers will get the gratuity and be professionals. Most likely.

 

 

#2. Entertainment, a band or DJ should be chosen carefully. NOT from an agency. Agency DJ's are scary, lol.

 

#3. Earlier rather than later makes for happy guests. Wine is spilled, mean things are said, gifts are broken when your "friends" load them in the car, AFTER 10:30. It is good to go home while everyone is having fun. If even a few guests are drinking, everyone should start early and go home early.

 

Just My Humble Experience.

[FaithManor]

Well, I'm currently the mother of the groom, and the guest list is problematic.

In making the guest list for our side, my ds is inviting two friends. Only two, because even with inviting no friends at all, and only close family, we're at around 80 people. That's not far-flung relatives, that's just the close ones. The bride's mother has asked us to trim the list more, and honestly, though I'm usually easy-going, I'm having a terrible time with doing that. There are simply no more people to cut that will not cause lots of real sadness about not witnessing ds say "I do".

If the groom will be in that same position, please, *please* do whatever you have to in order to allow him to invite his loved ones.

Cake & punch receptions with people who really love you are better than fancier receptions where loved ones must be left out. :-(

 

Oh, and we have offered to help financially in whatever way they would allow, but the bride's family declined any help with wedding expenses.

 

Julie :grouphug: :grouphug: ,

 

I think that it's unreasonable for them not to accept your offer to pay for the additional family members. I would never do that to dd's fiance. We love him and plan on treating him like our own boy. We happen to be able to limit the list because he has so many who already told him they can't afford to travel, and because we are estranged from most of dh's side of the family - their choice, not ours except in the case of his sister. So, it is easier under thes circumstances to have a smaller wedding.

 

I think if the ceremony venue can hold the extra, I'd be a little firm about your relatives getting to come to the ceremony at least. Then I'd host my own reception after your son and his wife got home from their honeymoon. His in-laws and their company need not be invited. Though it's not the same as attending the reception the day of, if they get to witness the vows and then they get some time to celebrate later, it may be the best you can do.

 

I am sorry they are being stinky. That's not right. However, I know there are people out there that do not have the same outlook on daughters and sons in law that we do. My understanding is that dh's sister was QUITE jerky to her son-in-law's parents. I guess people like to start out on the wrong foot in new relationships.

 

Faith

[Carol in Cal.]

Technically the wedding itself is a public event if it is in a church. It's a church service, after all. So anyone can attend.

The reception is by invitation only.

Julie, you might want to consider that.

 

Also, there are always people who say they will come and then don't show up, much to the annoyance and expense of the hosts...so if there are extra attendees at the wedding itself, some of them may be able to fill those spots at the reception, for which the numbers commitment is firmed up a few days in advance.

[vonfirmath]

Technically the wedding itself is a public event if it is in a church. It's a church service, after all. So anyone can attend.

The reception is by invitation only.

 

I guess this depends on the church? Around here churches are private buildings. Most do choose to open their services to the public, but they can also choose to host other events that are not public.

[brookspr]

I'm surprised by the comments that say the parents should get to make the decisions about the wedding because they are paying for it. In my opinion, paying for the wedding is a gift to your daughter, but she and her fiancé should be the ones to make the decisions about the location, how many guests, etc... Paying for the wedding and expecting to get to make all of the decisions will inevitably lead to arguments and hurt feelings if someone doesn't get what they want. Keep in mind, it's THEIR wedding, not yours.

 

Having said that, I think it is perfectly acceptable to set a fixed amount you can spend and let them plan the wedding with that as a limit. If they want to get married out of town, they might have to invite less people to stay within the budget.

 

Because my parents weren't able to afford much and my husband and I both had good paying jobs, we paid for our own wedding. It was small (<30 people) at a bed and breakfast on Block Island off the coast of Rhode Island (we lived in Southeastern CT, but my family was from Chicago and his from NY). All of our guests stayed the weekend, the food was great, the music was great, we had a matron of honor and best man and that's it. A few flowers and a photographer. Everyone that was there said it was the best wedding they had ever been to, and we agreed (we are a little biased perhaps :). I didn't freak out about anything, we let the band pick the music, I let my matron of honor pick her own dress, the florist picked the flowers. None of that is really important. No matter who you invite, how much you spend, or where it is, just strive to make it the most special day for your daughter and her fiance.

[Alice]

I would agree with the people who said to not plan too much now. I had a 1.5 year engagement and one piece of advice we got was that “the work expands to fit the timeâ€. It’s true. You can plan a wedding in 3 months. Heck, you can plan a wedding in a week if you are really a minimalist. You can also take 3 years and sweat and worry about every tiny minor detail. If I had it to do over I’d have a shorter engagement or spend less time during the engagement talking about things like floral arrangements and whether or not we were going to have favors.

 

I’m of the opinion that weddings no longer necessarily fit the formula of bride’s family hosts and pays and bride and her mother make all the decisions. Maybe his side will want to help out. Maybe the groom has ideas of what he wants. Maybe they are very traditional and are fine with the old formula. For my own wedding, dh’s family paid because mine couldn’t and dh did the majority of planning as I was in residency and had no time to do it. It worked fine for us.

 

I’m also of the opinion that the whole wedding planning process is great training for the marriage. Obviously, you can say how much you can financially contribute but I’d then let them work out things like the guest list and the venue together. They are going to have to figure out how to combine families and balance the needs and wants of two different sets of in-laws for the rest of their life. This is a great time to start learning how to do that.

[Ellie]

I'm surprised by the comments that say the parents should get to make the decisions about the wedding because they are paying for it. In my opinion, paying for the wedding is a gift to your daughter, but she and her fiancé should be the ones to make the decisions about the location, how many guests, etc... Paying for the wedding and expecting to get to make all of the decisions will inevitably lead to arguments and hurt feelings if someone doesn't get what they want. Keep in mind, it's THEIR wedding, not yours.

 

What *I* said is that traditionally, the bride's parents are the hosts, and as such they get to decide things like where the wedding will be. I'm not saying that the happy couple shouldn't be making any decisions; the OP's question was whether it was selfish of her to want the wedding in her own city. There's nothing wrong with that at all. How much anyone pays does not determine who gets to make the decisions.