Anxiety about making friends/fitting in with a group

[lgliser]

Hi!

My triplets are 6 and in public school kindergarten this year. I plan on homeschooling them next year for first grade and I'm generally pretty excited about it.

 

I worry and over-think things and I'm stressing about finding a group that we'll fit into. I worry about the silliest little things like, will they be invited to birthday parties, or will we have kids in their life that they want to invite to their birthday parties? And just making good friends in general.

 

They have kids they talk about in school right now, but nobody we know well or have had over for a play date or anything. They're in sports and they have kids they like but really you just go to the sport and then go home, so no good friends have been made there. But then I think maybe that happens more when they're a little older?

 

I know I simply can't predict what will happen. It might turn out great and we find that perfect group that we just fit right into. But I just worry that it won't happen! And it's not like I'm looking for them to have a zillion friends, but I hope that they each have at least ONE GOOD friend, ya know? Or a couple.

 

I also realize that this could be the case even if they continued in public school... maybe they'd never really click with anyone in their class there. But I guess it seems like when you're with the same kids every single day, it's rare that you don't have at least one good buddy.

 

So, homeschoolers... where do your kids make friends? Co-ops? Sports? Lessons? Is anyone out there that can say that their kids do not have friends because you've never found a group that you fit in with?

[Lizzie in Ma]

Speaking as a twin, we always had each other and we were and are best friends. It was a built up back-up system for friends and socialization. We made other friends, obviously but when they sometimes sucked (think middle school) or things were rotten, we still had each other. With triplets I would think much the same. While they can and will make other friends, I wouldn't worry over finding opportunities to do so, they are three against the world!

Fitting in doesn't always mean that it's a good thing and that they have each other may well give them confidence in group situations.

Just my .02

[Faithr]

My oldest daughter attended public school for K and 1st. She never made one friend there! She did have one friend from the neighborhood that she played with. She mostly played with her younger brother. I was also in a neighbor babysitting co-op and that formed a subgroup that was a play group. She would play with them once a week but she never had a special friend from the group. When I brought her home, we joined a homeschooling co-op and a girls club made up of homeschoolers. She made a ton of friends and in fact they are still her friends even though she's now 22. When she comes home from college she gets together with them. They keep up with each other via facebook.

 

My sons have had a different story. My oldest had one best friend and then a couple of acquaintances. That was enough for him. In high school he was in a very good youth group at our church and made friends there. My current 17 yo is very introverted. He would make one friend and then after a couple of years that friend would move away! This happened three times! Sometimes he'll mention this. However, he is in our high school group, both the one for homeschoolers and the one at our church and so he does have a social life and several acquaintances he can hang out with. But no best friend. But again, he's really quiet and hard to get to know. My third son has two good friends, one goes to school but he's know him since he was a baby and they see each other once a week about. The other friend lives farther away and is homeschooled but he talks to him via the computer several times a week. They work on projects together (they were writing their own comic strip) and play games with each other on line. About once a month they get together. This along with a once a week co-op where he hangs out with other kids, is enough of a social life for him. Again all my boys tend to be more introverted anyway. Also, don't discount the importance of siblings and parents in terms of friends. My youngest dd makes friends very easily. She's chatty. She doesn't have a best friend per se but she always has someone to talk to where ever she goes. She sends emails back and forth with several girls during the week, when she's not at her activities. She also is in a American Heritage Girl troop and has made friends there. However, I will never be worried about her making friends. She's just got the gift!

 

So my advice is don't worry about it. What will be will be and if it becomes an issue, then do something proactive about it. Going to school doesn't guarantee friends either. Just make sure they have an opportunity to socialize with others via homeschool co-ops, groups, clubs, classes, activities, neighborhood, pen pal, etc. Some kids will need more help than others.

[Ellie]

Are you still friends with people you knew from elementary school? Junior high? high school?

 

I know that of some you still are, but that has not been my experience in life. All of my friends I met as an adult. :-)

 

This is my advice: plan to hunker down and teach your children at home; they will need to be "de-schooled," and the best way to do that is by staying home as much as possible for at least the first year. Choose your outside activities sparingly.

 

You don't need a co-op. A support group would be nice, particualarly if you live where the weather is pretty decent all year (I'm pretty sure a support group park day wouldn't go over so well in Vermont during the winter, lol)..

 

If you can find clubs that meet n the late afternoon, do those, but don't get sucked into that gymanstics that meets at 10 in the morning. Your dc could meet others there, and they may or may not make friends, and that's ok. If you're a Christian and are part of a local church, that church may have activities for children such as Pioneer Clubs or AWANA. Many scout groups meet in the late afernoon/early evening. :-)

[G5052]

Over the years we've met various people through local activities, both open and homeschooled. Mine are part of a large piano studio with many activities and do martial arts, and we have been in various homeschool activities and classes over the years. So no problem being with other kids at all.

 

As mine have gotten older though, I've found that they settle on just a few close friends that they spend extended time with and other aquaintances through activities. With the close friends they do things on the weekends. One of mine just had a birthday, and they did brunch with three friends and then spent the afternoon at an activity. Two are homeschooled, and one is in public school. Another has a sleepover coming up at a friend's house. So it changes.

[CatholicMom]

My experience is that sports is not a great way to meet friends... at least not when they are young. Like you said, they play the sport, they go home. They barely have time to learn each other's names because there's not much socializing. I would look into low-key groups like a chess club, lego club, book club at the library, even go to the library every week on the same day (like Friday) and you are probably bound to meet another homeschool family in the children's section, lol. A big homeschool group with a bunch of families is nice, but then again oftentimes the kids don't have enough freedom to interact to really get to know each other. Check out your library bulletin board for classes or groups that might meet there.

 

We have a great homeschool group but everyone is from about an hour away so I'm close enough to know of them and have participated in some activities, but too far to run to every fun event. :closedeyes:

[Farrar]

We made all our friends through homeschool groups. We do a co-op and Destination Imagination and have put together theater performances - those have all been good for making friends. We've also done art classes, dance classes and sports - those have been less good for making friends, though now that my kids are going on their third year with the same core group on their soccer team, they have started to make friends there (outside the kids from our co-op who we already knew!).

[Trilliums]

I am also a worrier/over thinker. When I started homeschooling my boys (K and grade 1) we were very active in park days and homeschool field trips, etc, where it was easy for the kids to make friends. Also, we belonged to a local Yahoo group and I sometimes put up messages including my kids' interests. I had to get used to inviting people over to my house. :)

When we moved a couple of years ago, they became good friends with a child in our neighborhood (never homeschooled) and met a few kids through the local homeschool support group and First Lego League/4H robotics. In general though, my kids do not have tons of friends, but they are happy that way.

[lgliser]

Speaking as a twin, we always had each other and we were and are best friends.

True! And generally they all get along very well. Sadly with three, there's often an odd man out, and often it's my son. The girls have been pretty clicky lately! I definitely teach them that they're a team and will always have each other.

 

Are you still friends with people you knew from elementary school? Junior high? high school?

Generally I definitely agree! My good friends I have met as an adult.

 

I really appreciate the feedback. I know I worry way too much. I wish I could make myself just chill out! And for the record, I'd probably worry whether we stayed in public school or homeschool. I just want my kids to be happy!

 

I agree that we should never discount the friendship of siblings and parents. My best friend today is my mom! And I have other friends my own age, but my mom is #1. I just know that my kids LIKE being around other kids. They have fun with each other, but my son needs other boys. And the girls love making friends with other girls. They want sleepovers, birthday parties, etc. And in preschool and this year in kindergarten, they've been invited because kids invite the whole class. That's just how it is. I don't know how it works with homeschoolers.

 

I hate worrying like this! I know how pointless it is, because I just can't predict or control what's going to happen!

[PeterPan]

You don't have to be homeschooling yet to go to a homeschool support group meeting. Sounds like you need to go. :)

 

This is going to resolve itself. EVERYBODY is looking for friends for their kids. It's not like you're the only one there in that position. So you're gonna connect with people, have a few strikes, and it will all come together. Your kids will have activities they're drawn to, and they'll make friends that way. They'll go to summer camps and make friends.

 

Find out where your local homeschool groups are and get connected. You'll make friends, find out about their yearly sales, get in the loop. :)

[Joshin]

My oldest went to PS for two years. He met his two best friends (twins). In the beginning, I had to work to keep the friendship going between them after we left PS. I called and invited the family over for barbecues, play dates, etc. We joined the cub scout pack they belonged to. Now my oldest has a good group of friends he's met over the years. Most are PS kids, although there is one or two HS kids.

 

My youngest has been homeschooled since the beginning. I worried a lot about friends for him because he didn't have any old school friends to draw from. This was the year he decided he needs friends. He has made two good friends, one HSed, one PSed. He met one at a HS astronomy event and the other through scouts. He has a group of acquaintances from various clubs and classes. He doesn't see the acquaintances outside of meetings except for birthday parties, but it seems to be enough for him. There are also a few neighborhood kids that both boys play with on occasion.

 

Meeting other kids isn't usually a problem, but I had to make the effort to form ties by making friendly overtures to the parents. A fringe benefit of this is I have a made a few new friends, too.

[NotSoObvious]

My twins love each other to the moon and back and are usually just happy with each other. A third would be awesome! They are best friends. I worry less and less about the quantity of their friends.

 

Coming out of school was the hardest transition. It's like detoxing.

 

You'll notice homeschoolers play in mixed age and gender groups. It's one of my favorite things about us. :) Try not to worry too much. Authentic friendships will develop over time. There's no need to push. Just provide opportunities.