I just had to set a firm boundary with my mother, and I'm proud of myself for doing it.

[*********]

I spent the day with dad yesterday. Just me and him.

 

He asked me if I would come every Monday and help him cook his breakfasts and lunches for the week. He needs a lot of protein (to help his bedsore heal), plus he needs low sodium and low sugar (because of kidney failure and diabetes). These things mean he can't eat the take-out my mother eats for every meal; he needs food cooked from scratch. And dad can't even walk from the couch to the bathroom without taking a break, so cooking himself eggs isn't really something he can do yet.

 

I'm willing to do that. In fact, it will be a blessing to serve my father that way.

 

However.

 

My mother.

 

Oh, my mother. She scared me as a child. NO LONGER, I say. NO MORE will she bully me into doing what I don't want.

 

She doesn't even want to be responsible for getting the groceries.

 

I emailed her and told her that I would come every Monday morning and cook dad's breakfasts and lunches for the week. Dad and I would come up with the next week's menu, and then I'd email her a list of what she needed to make sure they had. That way, she could just print the list, cross off whatever they already had in the fridge/cupboards/pantry, and get whatever was left at the grocery store some time before Monday morning.

 

In fact, the list I sent her for this Monday had all of EIGHT items on it. Yep. Eight.

 

Mom emails me back that it's great I'm helping dad, but she's just SOOO busy that getting to the store is a real struggle for her, so couldn't I just pick up whatever I needed myself. :001_huh:

 

My mother works a regular 40 hour week secretarial job. Her commute is about ten minutes. They have no children at home. Her health is fine. I haven't the slightest clue what she could possibly be so busy with that she can't stop at the grocery store once a week. I'm serious. This is what she was telling me. That she is too busy to go to the grocery store once a week to get food for my dad, so why don't I just do that, too.

 

Here's the thing. She's NOT too busy. She just flat out doesn't want to.

 

I'm sorry. No. I have to draw the line somewhere, and that's where I'm drawing it.

 

I sent her back a kind but firm email that no, I would not pick up the groceries, that she needed to do that. I told her that the goal is to get dad cooking for himself again eventually, and then I wouldn't even be coming at all, so she'd need to do the shopping then anyway. I told her that committing to driving an hour each way to her house once a week, cooking for several hours, and helping dad menu plan for the next week's meals, and emailing her a list of what we would need for the next week was what I was willing to do. She could either get the groceries herself, or find someone else to get them for her.

 

I still feel a bit shaky, but I'm so proud of myself for not letting my mom bully me into do even MORE of what should be HER responsibility in the first place. (Don't ask me why SHE'S not cooking the food for dad. I don't know the answer. Well, unless the answer is BECAUSE SHE'S TOO LAZY. So yeah, I guess I *do* know the answer, but I don't want to admit it.)

 

Anyway, I don't know what she'll respond, but I'm proud of myself for being able to set boundaries with my mom. It's not something that comes naturally for me.

[misty.warden]

BOOM :hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray:

 

Boundaries are scary at first but awesome. Good for you.

[Nakia]

You did the right thing. Good for you. You are a wonderful blessing to your parents, and I know your dad is so thankful for you!! "Seeing" your light shine over the last few months has blessed me abundantly!!!

 

Stay strong!!!

[gardenmom5]

:thumbup1:

good for you. do expect her passive agression to still not pick up said items.

[Dandelion]

Good for you! And how wonderful that you're doing this for your dad. :)

[Elinor Everywhere]

Bethany, I have followed your story from the beginning of your dad's health problems. I'm so proud of you for standing up to your mom!! :hurray: It doesn't come easy for me, either (I haven't managed it myself, although my family's boundary issues are mild in my opinion), so it's doubly impressive to know that it's hard but you did it anyway.

 

You are such a blessing to your dad, and a wonderful example to your children.

 

:grouphug:

[*********]

:thumbup1:

good for you. do expect her passive agression to still not pick up said items.

 

Yeaaaaah, about that.

 

Anyone have any advice if she pulls this? I mean, what if I drive an hour there on Monday morning and there's no ground beef to make the meatloaf with? What do I do then?

 

I mean, obviously I'd drive to the store, get the meat, come back, and make the meatloaf. But how do i make sure she doesn't pull it again NEXT week?

 

Or maybe I shouldn't borrow the trouble yet, hunh. :p

[Just Kate]

You did the right thing. Good for you. You are a wonderful blessing to your parents, and I know your dad is so thankful for you!! "Seeing" your light shine over the last few months has blessed me abundantly!!!

 

Stay strong!!!

 

Yes!!! I have been reading your posts over the past several months and what Nakia says rings tue for me as well. Continuing to pray for you as you take such giant steps!!!

[*********]

Bethany, I have followed your story from the beginning of your dad's health problems. I'm so proud of you for standing up to your mom!! :hurray: It doesn't come easy for me, either (I haven't managed it myself, although my family's boundary issues are mild in my opinion), so it's doubly impressive to know that it's hard but you did it anyway.

 

You are such a blessing to your dad, and a wonderful example to your children.

 

:grouphug:

 

Thanks Elinor, and everyone else, for cheering me on.

 

Oh my word was it hard for me to send that email. I REALLY wanted to just fold and do the shopping myself.

 

But I didn't. I stood up for myself. And my dh is proud of me, too.

 

I made sure not to email my mom back until after dh came home from work and he and I had a chance to talk it out together. I needed to hear him validate that I absolutely should not let her put things on me that I didn't want to do.

 

In her last email, she said that if it was a problem for me to get the food, that she could "try to get the items". I made it as clear as I could in my response that not only would I NOT be doing the shopping, but that I fully expected her to make sure it got done, by either doing it herself or getting someone else to do it for her.

[Nakia]

It was hard for me to set boundaries with my mom too. About two years ago, I laid down the law, and let me tell you, it's been so much better since then. It has really restored our relationship in to something that I can live with and not be miserable!

[Brilliant]

Nm

[Brilliant]

Dupe

[Elinor Everywhere]

 

 

In her last email, she said that if it was a problem for me to get the food, that she could "try to get the items". I made it as clear as I could in my response that not only would I NOT be doing the shopping, but that I fully expected her to make sure it got done, by either doing it herself or getting someone else to do it for her.

 

Girl, when you set boundaries, you set boundaries!! Awesome. :)

[Twigs]

Once you get some meal plans made, could you plan for 2-4 weeks at a time so she doesn't have to go so often. (This assumes your parents have pantry and freezer space) If you don't have the freezer space, maybe she could stock up on the pantry items to make the weekly trips less burdensome.

 

Best wishes.

[OrganicAnn]

I would have some back up plans for if she doesn't get everything you need. Maybe a pantry meal that you can always put together with items in their pantry.

 

Another strategy is to ask her to get stuff for 8 meals. So if she doesn't buy one thing, you still have enough for 7 meals.

 

The key is to keep calm even if she doesn't get everything on the list. She may thrive on your getting upset. So don't show her that she is winning. Stay calm.

[Hen]

I would have a back-up plan of ordering from a grocery store that delivers and have your dad pay with a credit card...or pick it up yourself and charge a fee and have your dad write you a check with extra on it for your time.

 

good for you for staying firm. Just wow about your mom, I feel so bad for you and your dad.

[Harriet Vane]

Good for you. Sorry it's like this. :grouphug:

[Tap]

 

Yeaaaaah, about that.

 

Anyone have any advice if she pulls this? I mean, what if I drive an hour there on Monday morning and there's no ground beef to make the meatloaf with? What do I do then?

 

I mean, obviously I'd drive to the store, get the meat, come back, and make the meatloaf. But how do i make sure she doesn't pull it again NEXT week?

 

Or maybe I shouldn't borrow the trouble yet, hunh. :p

 

If it happens once, I would just go to the store and buy what you need, without a single word to her. Get you dad's credit card and use that to pay for items. Grocers in our area never check id on credit card purchases but stores like Fred Meyer might. Just make sure it doesn't say "check ID" on the back.

 

Let her pay for the inconvenience....quite litterally.

 

Find out what stores in her area will allow you to order online or call over/email or an order. If it is something your father can do from his bed, delegate it to him instead of her. Use their credit card to pay for it. Safeway has online ordering/delivery in our area but not all areas...you can see from their website which stores deliver. For more custom service arrangements try the higher end stores like Whole Foods. They will often do the shoppping and you just pull up and pick up the order. Yes, these stores charge more, but honestly sometimes saving 30minutes is worth it! Sometimes cab companies will pick up a pre-paid delivery and deliver it to the house. If you mother isn't willing to do the work, then let her pay to have someone else do it. If she is not the one doing the actual shopping, I would just leave her out of the process. It will be SOOOOO much easier for you to just do it yourself. I totally understand that you expect her to be able to do this small chore. It is not wrong that you expect it. But for some reason (even it is is just by choice), she may not be able to do it. If that is the case, skip her in the process, and that way you know that the food is there and what to expect. If you can't coordinate delivery to her house, see if you can have it delivered to yours instead and then just take it with you.

 

Do not let yourself get caught up in the 'why' of the situation. Isolate youself from the fact that she is your mother . Release her from the equation. Just think about your father and what you want to do for him. Pretend she is a house guest and doesn't exist in the day to day routine. If you try to expect things from her, that she is not capable/interested in doing, You are the one who is going to pay the price. Set you expectations at a realistic level for her. Not what you think a wife should do....but what you really think she is going to do.

 

These are your parents. This situation may be a new one, but if you think about it, it isn't going to be much different than any other day with them. You have traveled this path before. You know the twists and turns. You know the destination. If you want to have a different experience than you have in the past....YOU need to change the journey! You are in the drivers seat. Think about her like a big stinking mud puddle on your path. How would you solve the problem? Do you try to get the mud puddle to move? or do you just go around the mud puddle and keep going. The more time you spend spinning you wheels in the mud, the more time and energy YOU waste. The mud puddle just gets deeper, wider and smellier!

[kalanamak]

You know, I don't like your mother very much.

[celticmom]

In light of your mother's past behavior, I would document every time she pulls something like this and document it if she does not pick up the food. That way you have records of her behavior if she ever becomes dangerous to your father and you need to contact social services. I am sorry if this sounds harsh and normally I would not be inclined involve social services but not taking care of your father's special dietary needs when he cannot take care of himself is pretty neglectful and inhumane.

[GraciebytheBay]

Good for you! Your request was very reasonable, given all you are willing to do. One thing I don't understand. Doesn't she ever go to the store? I mean, what do they eat for snacks, lunches, etc.? Eating take-out in the evening only means she doesn't have to buy food for that meal. What on earth do they eat?

[Tap]

BTW....I am SUPER PROUD of you setting the boundary!!!! It is hard to step out of the parent/child roles we develop and to allow yourself a moment to say 'your wrong, I'm right, and we are going to do it MY way!'

 

I am so happy your father is home and doing better. Your family is blessed to have such a caring daughter who is willing to step up and actually do the hard work needed to care for a sick loved one. So many people think they will do the work, but few really understand the commitment and sacrafices that need to be made to actually pull it off.

 

I wish I could give you a giant-squishy-hug and really let you know how truely proud I am to have you for one of my invisible friends. :0)

[Catwoman]

Good for you, Bethany!!! :hurray:

 

I don't know what your mom's problem is, but I'll bet she's jealous that you're helping your father instead of fussing over her instead. She sounds very selfish -- it's so obvious that you took after your father, because you're not at all like your mom.

[besroma]

That is great, Bethany!

 

You are a wonderful daughter to be serving your dad this way.

[Desert Rat]

I am so, so proud of you, Bethany! What a hard, scary, awful thing to have to do. And you did it!

I understand the shaky feeling, but you did so good!

[Truscifi]

Good for you!

[Impish]

WTG, Bethany!! :hurray:

 

I'm wondering what would happen if you threatened to enlist outsiders? Tell her if she can't do this, you'll ask their neighbour, or church member, or whoever.

 

I've found that ppl like this value their public persona far more than anything else, and the idea of others finding out how petty and ridiculous they are terrifies them.

[fairfarmhand]

WTG, Bethany!! :hurray:

 

I'm wondering what would happen if you threatened to enlist outsiders? Tell her if she can't do this, you'll ask their neighbour, or church member, or whoever.

 

I've found that ppl like this value their public persona far more than anything else, and the idea of others finding out how petty and ridiculous they are terrifies them.

 

this is good too.

 

Also, MY passive aggressive side would leave an enormous mess in the kitchen for her to deal with when she got home if I had to go shopping. "Oh, I had to go to the store to get x and I ran out of time for clean-up" But then that would probably just escalate things so it would not work. But OH, SO TEMPTING!

[FaithManor]

You know, I don't like your mother very much.

 

 

EXACTLY THIS!

 

Bethany,

 

Good job girl! Stick to your guns and make your mamma a little miserable in order to get her to "see the light". She's being ridiculous and as a spouse, it is actually her first line of responsibility not yours. You are being generous to help her with what she should be doing in the first place.

 

Sometimes I do not understand people at all and have very little patience for it.

 

You keep that boundary firm and we'll be your cheerleading squad!!!!

 

Faith

[FaithManor]

WTG, Bethany!! :hurray:

 

I'm wondering what would happen if you threatened to enlist outsiders? Tell her if she can't do this, you'll ask their neighbour, or church member, or whoever.

 

I've found that ppl like this value their public persona far more than anything else, and the idea of others finding out how petty and ridiculous they are terrifies them.

 

 

 

Nice IMP! I like your thinking AND I'll go one further and say if you enlist outside help, enlist them for pay and send your mother the bill. She might change her tune!

 

Faith

[*********]

In light of your mother's past behavior, I would document every time she pulls something like this and document it if she does not pick up the food. That way you have records of her behavior if she ever becomes dangerous to your father and you need to contact social services. I am sorry if this sounds harsh and normally I would not be inclined involve social services but not taking care of your father's special dietary needs when he cannot take care of himself is pretty neglectful and inhumane.

 

This is the route my dh initially wanted me to go. Contact social services. Thing is, I don't know that it'd do any good. In fact, I know if I did that, mom would be so upset that I'd not be allowed to come help dad anymore.

 

My mother is all about appearances.Appearances are all that matter to her. I'm serious.

 

Good for you! Your request was very reasonable, given all you are willing to do. One thing I don't understand. Doesn't she ever go to the store? I mean, what do they eat for snacks, lunches, etc.? Eating take-out in the evening only means she doesn't have to buy food for that meal. What on earth do they eat?

 

Here's what I can figure out about how my parents eat; keep in mind, I haven't come right out and asked my mom what her eating habits are...

 

When looking through their kitchen, there's food: Ice cream and french fries in the freezer, and in the pantry there's canned veggies and fruit, marinades/sauces, and I don't know what else. Cans and boxes. In the fridge Monday there was oranges, half a green pepper, some shredded cheese, butter, eggs, milk,various scary leftovers that I have no idea how long have been there, and more condiments than two people should have. There is also bread and onions on the counter.

 

So there IS food. I guess the main thing that was missing that dad really needs right now is fresh meat to be cooked. But Social services would come in, see that there's food, and laugh at me.

 

Anyway, best I can figure, my parents eat cold cereal for breakfast(dad told me he's been eating cheerios with almonds on them), then mom gets lunch from the cafeteria of the hospital she works at, then she picks up take out for dinner. She doesn't cook. Like, hardly ever. Seriously. I'm pretty sure they eat take out or take out leftovers for every meal on the weekends.

 

She fed us from boxes and cans growing up, and at the age of 12 it became my job to cook the family dinner every night.

[*********]

WTG, Bethany!! :hurray:

 

I'm wondering what would happen if you threatened to enlist outsiders? Tell her if she can't do this, you'll ask their neighbour, or church member, or whoever.

 

I've found that ppl like this value their public persona far more than anything else, and the idea of others finding out how petty and ridiculous they are terrifies them.

 

First of all, thank you for the encouragement. :)

 

Secondly, I kinda already did enlist outsiders. After my mother's initial response to my email, in which she told me that getting to the store every week would be a struggle, I called her brother (my uncle, we'll call him Uncle J). I explained the situation to Uncle J, and asked what was going on with my mom that she couldn't get to the store once a week. He had no idea. He asked if she was sick or something, LOL. No, mom's not sick. She's just THAT un-interested in helping dad.

 

Just so everyone understands, my mother is only 54 years old. Her health is fine, nothing wrong with her at all. They live in a tiny house in the city. She works a secretarial job at the hospital 10 minutes from their house.

 

I don't want to just badmouth my mother. But the blunt truth is that she is the laziest person I know. She told me in her email that she goes to the grocery store every few weeks when she absolutely has to. She constantly complains about money, how they don't have enough money, how broke they are, but then she eats out literally almost every meal.

 

This is a mindset I don't understand. And I'm having a hard time dealing with. But I'm trying.

[Seasider]

Bethany, I would cook extra that first week, or check the stock midweek, just in case Mom decides she likes the tasty stuff you've prepared and decides to eat it, too. From what you've said I'm guessing she's pretty addicted to her take-out, but just in case.... I would hate for your dad to get shorted, kwim

 

You are a WONDERFUL DAUGHTER! Your dad is surely blessed!

[celticmom]

This is the route my dh initially wanted me to go. Contact social services. Thing is, I don't know that it'd do any good. In fact, I know if I did that, mom would be so upset that I'd not be allowed to come help dad anymore.

 

My mother is all about appearances.Appearances are all that matter to her. I'm serious.

 

 

 

Here's what I can figure out about how my parents eat; keep in mind, I haven't come right out and asked my mom what her eating habits are...

 

When looking through their kitchen, there's food: Ice cream and french fries in the freezer, and in the pantry there's canned veggies and fruit, marinades/sauces, and I don't know what else. Cans and boxes. In the fridge Monday there was oranges, half a green pepper, some shredded cheese, butter, eggs, milk,various scary leftovers that I have no idea how long have been there, and more condiments than two people should have. There is also bread and onions on the counter.

 

So there IS food. I guess the main thing that was missing that dad really needs right now is fresh meat to be cooked. But Social services would come in, see that there's food, and laugh at me.

 

Anyway, best I can figure, my parents eat cold cereal for breakfast(dad told me he's been eating cheerios with almonds on them), then mom gets lunch from the cafeteria of the hospital she works at, then she picks up take out for dinner. She doesn't cook. Like, hardly ever. Seriously. I'm pretty sure they eat take out or take out leftovers for every meal on the weekends.

 

She fed us from boxes and cans growing up, and at the age of 12 it became my job to cook the family dinner every night.

 

 

I wasn't saying to contact social services right now but I would definitely try to communicate as much as possible about these matters by email and don't delete. Then if you and more importantly your father ever need the documentation you have a nice paper trail.

[Tap]

Do you think your mom is jealous that you are doing this for him and not for her also? Especially since it was part of your family dynamic that you would do the cooking when you lived at home for everyone. Do you think it bothers her that you can cook and she can't? From what you have said it seems like this is all just the 'same ole mom' issues but do you think that she is hurt? Is there anyway you could include her in the prep work and make it a day for both of you to work together for your dad but the benefit being that there are meals for both of them?

 

I doubt that I could do this with my mom, but is it worth a try?

[*********]

All I have to say is that your father is lucky to have you. I DO NOT get your mother. I love my husband dearly, and if I had come that close to losing him, I would do everything it took to make sure he got better. I can't imagine brushing off his needs like that.

 

I KNOW! Which is why, for the life of me, I can't understand WHY my father makes excuses for the woman. UGH.

 

So, my mother did not respond to my email. However, my dad called me this afternoon.

 

He says "I've got someone to help me with the groceries, so we're all set!" He goes on to tell me how much he appreciates what I'm doing for him and so on.

 

I couldn't help myself. I asked him who was getting the groceries.

 

Turns out he called HIS dad, who lives in the same city. His dad is now going to come take him grocery shopping every Friday.

 

That's right. My grandpa, who is 83, is having to do it.

 

Now I feel like a humongous HEEL, because the LAST thing I wanted was for my grandpa to have to do it. Now, dad was very happy about it, and said how nice it would be for them to get to spend time together every week, and how great it all worked out. And my grandpa is in fine health and all that. But still. Good grief.

 

All I can figure is that mom whined and complained to dad about having to go grocery shopping for him every week, and it made him feel bad, so he just looked for a way to solve the problem.

 

How messed up is that?!

 

I can't stop myself from wondering if I'm the ONLY person in this situation that doesn't get why my MOTHER isn't doing the shopping and the cooking HERSELF?!

 

UGH!

 

Seriously, there's a part of me that wants to get on facebook and let everyone know what's going on. I mean, wouldn't mom be embarrassed for her siblings to know that her father in law is doing her grocery shopping, and her daughter is doing the cooking? How does she justify this to herself? I don't get it.

 

I just don't get it.

[kalanamak]

If I would was your dad, I would have to be preparing myself to be dumped. He's likely to never work again. She'll see him as a money sink. She may well dump him. Would you like him to live with you? Could he live with his dad? I'd have a plan sketched out in my mind.

 

How awful.

[AK_Mom4]

Hang in there, Bethany!

 

Keep telling yourself what the important things are - you are helping your dad and he will have tasty food to eat that is good for him. :thumbup1:

[MooCow]

You rock!!!! very proud of you!!!

[*********]

If I would was your dad, I would have to be preparing myself to be dumped. He's likely to never work again. She'll see him as a money sink. She may well dump him. Would you like him to live with you? Could he live with his dad? I'd have a plan sketched out in my mind.

 

How awful.

 

Less than a year before his heart attack, she called telling me she was thinking of getting a legal separation because dad wasn't making enough money and she was tired of supporting him.

 

I have no idea why she thought I was someone she should share that information with, but she did.

 

My parents are VERY religious. My mother, because she cares SO much about appearances, will not divorce my father unless he cheats on her (which he will never do). But yeah, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if she did eventually get a legal separation.

 

If that happened, I'd move dad into an assisted living facility down here by me. And bid her good riddance.

[Halftime Hope]

re. the dad getting dumped. This was in essence what happened with us. We ended up taking care of my FIL when he was dumped, after many years of the two of them having a declared truce. We moved in with FIL, took care of him in his own home that he had built, and although it was very hard, I wouldn't trade it back for anything in the world.

[kalanamak]

 

My parents are VERY religious. My mother, because she cares SO much about appearances, will not divorce my father unless he cheats on her (which he will never do). But yeah, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if she did eventually get a legal separation.

 

 

 

He doesn't have to cheat. She just has to convince her mindless friends he did. Or, as someone I know, convince them he had "cheated in his heart" which is just as bad, you know. Don't put it past her.

[myfunnybunch]

I can't stop myself from wondering if I'm the ONLY person in this situation that doesn't get why my MOTHER isn't doing the shopping and the cooking HERSELF?!

 

 

I expect that everyone in the situation knows EXACTLY why your mother isn't doing the shopping and cooking. Ugh. I am sorry.

 

:grouphug: You're a wonderful daughter. Your dad is so lucky to have you.

 

Cat

[jenL]

WAY TO GO, BETHANY!!! :hurray: :hurray: :hurray:

 

I'm just seeing this tonight, and I have to tell you how proud I am of you! You did the absolute right thing by standing up to your mom like you did. That is awesome, just awesome! Once you set a boundary once, it becomes easier and easier to do so whatever the future holds with her, you have found strength in your actions, and that is SO great!

 

As for wondering why your dad called his dad, well... Maybe your dad knows full well what your mom is like, and it's just plain easier to not deal with her whining/complaining and just fix the situation himself? In your case, your dad did the best he could (it sounds like he really wants to enjoy time with his dad too) in order to help you help him. He knows the sacrifice you are making. He also knows he cannot change your mother's behavior. This makes it a win-win for you (since you get the food) and him (he gets to be with his dad).

 

I'm sure there are lots of people who know your mom's true colors as Cat said, but in cases like these, it's often just easier to wait for karma to come back to bite the person in the butt than get involved with her. Therefore, people just sit back and watch... is it right? No, but I think that is part of human nature for some. In many cases, it's others creating their own boundaries when it comes to your mom.

 

I am continuing to pray for you through all this. Enjoy every moment with your dad and ignore your mom... she is the one who will be alone in the end if her behaviors do not change. I'm sorry that she is so selfish.

 

You are blessing!!! Don't ever let that be taken away from you. :grouphug:

[CyndiLJ]

In light of your mother's past behavior, I would document every time she pulls something like this and document it if she does not pick up the food. That way you have records of her behavior if she ever becomes dangerous to your father and you need to contact social services. I am sorry if this sounds harsh and normally I would not be inclined involve social services but not taking care of your father's special dietary needs when he cannot take care of himself is pretty neglectful and inhumane.

 

 

Actually, this is pretty wise advice. It doesn't have to be done in spite, but your mom is exhibiting behavior that is very much beyond the norm and doesn't even border on neglectful...it IS neglect. If it continues or worsens, you may find you have no option but to call in social services. I wouldn't expect this situation to get better with what you are saying, it will only eventually get worse and you will be glad you did document it so you don't have to waste time documenting later down the road.

[CyndiLJ]

In light of your mother's past behavior, I would document every time she pulls something like this and document it if she does not pick up the food. That way you have records of her behavior if she ever becomes dangerous to your father and you need to contact social services. I am sorry if this sounds harsh and normally I would not be inclined involve social services but not taking care of your father's special dietary needs when he cannot take care of himself is pretty neglectful and inhumane.

 

 

Actually, this is pretty wise advice. It doesn't have to be done in spite, but your mom is exhibiting behavior that is very much beyond the norm and doesn't even border on neglectful...it IS neglect. If it continues or worsens, you may find you have no option but to call in social services. I wouldn't expect this situation to get better with what you are saying, it will only eventually get worse and you will be glad you did document it so you don't have to waste time documenting later down the road.