For those with large families/health issues/other circumstances...

[AnIslandGirl]

I would love to think of things this way. But the truth is swim team most likely won't get her into college or benefit her future in any huge way- it's just something fun that she enjoys doing. Sure, she and my husband have starry eyes of thinking of the Olympics and things like that, but I'm more the realist. Hey, if she gets into the Olympics- AWESOME. But I'm not starting with that goal in mind, nor do we devote the time and the pool necessary for that (and I can't imagine we ever will be able to....) So how do you decide what truly CAN be done for the betterment of your kids, vs. what they just don't really need?

 

OK, so how about an above ground pool for the summer? Maybe a package of passes she could trade in for "free-swim" time at your local pool if they do that? Maybe have swimming just be a for fun activity and not a weekly commitment. I know you may come up against some opposition at first but if you word it gently, she will hopefully understand. No solution is absolute, and it can always be revisited when you feel better, less tired, or if things change with your family.

These are just some rambling thoughts, but sometimes it's hard to see other options when your in the middle of a situation.

 

Best of luck and hugs all around!

:grouphug:

[2squared]

 

 

I would love to think of things this way. But the truth is swim team most likely won't get her into college or benefit her future in any huge way- it's just something fun that she enjoys doing. Sure, she and my husband have starry eyes of thinking of the Olympics and things like that, but I'm more the realist. Hey, if she gets into the Olympics- AWESOME. But I'm not starting with that goal in mind, nor do we devote the time and the pool necessary for that (and I can't imagine we ever will be able to....) So how do you decide what truly CAN be done for the betterment of your kids, vs. what they just don't really need? I hear of all of this "running around" it seems everyone does that.

 

I think evaluating activities/sports only on scholarships and the like is seeing the opportunity with only one dimension. My kids are in many sports at varying levels of ability, and we have never evaluated the worth of the activity on where they may go with it as adults. Instead, we look at each opportunity as to what is offers to our child right now. Sports can have tangible, immediate impact to a child.

 

My oldest is in a similar life spot as the OP's oldest. Her out of the home activities enrich her world in ways that we can't offer at home. I see her coaches pushing her in ways that I don't, and I see her responding in ways that she doesn't respond to me. I never knew she had so much intensity, so much determination or that she could push herself so far. Her self-confidence is growing, and she is proud of her independence. My dd needs to have something of her own; something that isn't attached to little sibs and Mom and Dad. Her attitude at home is much improved by her outside the house obligations.

 

I'm not saying that activities are a must or a right, but I also don't think they should be undervalued. Each new parenting phase is a difficult adjustment. Your oldest may be ready for the next phase even if you aren't yet. Sometimes in the family team, the kids take one for the team and sometimes the parents take one for the team. I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with your dh to see if the benefits of swimming outweigh the cost right now. If they don't, at what point will things change enough in your situation that the benefits are enough?

 

My last comment, which really shouldn't be at the end, but it is. Sports today are not the sports of my childhood. When I was a kid, we started playing high school sports in high school, and we were competitive. Even state champs at times. Today's kids start playing their high school sports in elementary school. If you wait until high school to begin sports, your kids will be too far behind to participate. I hate this.

[Aelwydd]

Aelwydd, I don't know what to say because it was never my intention to criticize anyone's family size. Despite what my beliefs may be about general principles, I've said this on other threads and I repeat here: I don't believe it is any of my business how many children any specific family has. I was certainly not criticizing you personally or even small families in general and I tried to be careful with my wording for that reason.

 

Here's my original comment (emphasis added):

 

"I know far more adults who have serious issues in the character department who were only children or one of two and where the parents were able to provide them with everything and where the mother did everything for them as compared to those who came from families with several siblings."

 

Notice that what I said was in the context of one or two kids with parents who do not set limits and who do not require contributions/sacrifices on the part of their children for the good of the family. That's not a generalization about the character of single children, but single children with those other conditions. And I was only saying that in the context of the idea that having several children or other limitations places natural limits on what children do get and that's a good thing. Which is the same thing you're saying if I understand you correctly. Notice too that I said this in light of my own story where my parents were naturally the type to not want to set limits and felt guilty over putting any sort of familial responsibility on our shoulders, in this case I believe that the natural limits of our circumstances were crucial for the development of my siblings and I.

 

Personally, I think it is unfortunate that one feels guilt for things that are outside of one's control. Guilt is an appropriate response to doing wrong (so it would be appropriate to feel guilty if through one's own laziness/neglect one did not provide adequate food for one's children). It is simply an unnecessary burden when one feels guilty about not meeting some 21st century ideal of what childhood should look like.

 

Ltmrs, what I am saying is that you can talk about the pros and cons of limitations, without bringing into it comparisons with smaller families that have negative results. If you wished to place the negative emphasis on the lack of limits, you could have done so by pointing out that large families, wherein parents were able to provide everything, in terms of activities and so forth, for the children, have also had poor results. But you didn't; you introduced family size in the parameters, and that is why I took offense.

 

It would be as if I was pointing out all the reasons why some small families produce highly educated, successful adults is because most of the failed adults I have personally known came from large families, with several siblings where the parents did not invest adequately into each of their children, and left the children to fend for themselves.

 

Besides being offensive, it would be a false dichotomy.

 

Apples to apples, that is what I'm saying.

[Danestress]

 

I would love to think of things this way. But the truth is swim team most likely won't get her into college or benefit her future in any huge way- it's just something fun that she enjoys doing. Sure, she and my husband have starry eyes of thinking of the Olympics and things like that, but I'm more the realist. Hey, if she gets into the Olympics- AWESOME. But I'm not starting with that goal in mind, nor do we devote the time and the pool necessary for that (and I can't imagine we ever will be able to....) So how do you decide what truly CAN be done for the betterment of your kids, vs. what they just don't really need? I hear of all of this "running around" it seems everyone does that.

 

 

 

 

They really "need" very little besides a good family and a good education. Some people don't even think the need what I would consider a good education. What they might want is another thing altogether.

 

Swimming takes a huge huge amount of time and energy. I loved it when my son swam year round. It wasn't just "running around." I will cherish until the day I die (seriously) the memories of driving him to practice and chatting, cheering for him from the stands, checking into a hotel together and heading over for warm ups. I wouldn't trade those memories for a pot of gold. And he wasn't a great swimmer. There were no delusions of Olympic Trials here. Swimming makes people realists, because there is no arguing with the score on the board and what that says about the kids standing against other swimmers.

 

I am also, I will admit, pretty pleased that he no longer swims. It really is very demanding for the parent. Even though I can list all the things that makes swimming a great sport and great character training even if the kid will never ever swim at a high level, I am sort of glad to be out of that life. And I can't imagine trying to swing it when you have a large number of kids and a small amount of money.

 

So I guess I sound contradictory, but I think the point I am making is that (1) the value of activities to your child is not based on how far those activities take your child in terms of achievement. It's not like swimming turned out to be a waste of time for all the kids who didn't make the Olympic team. They got other, priceless benefits from it. And made sacrifices too and (2) Even with just three kids, some activities are just exhausting. So you have my sympathy and I totally get why you dont' think you can manage it. I don't think you can, honestly, not for six kids and on a tight budget.

 

I do think you will eventually have to balance our child's desire to get out and do things against your own desire to stay home. I worry a bit that you have framed the argument in terms of her "demanding" to be driven around, entertained, chauffeured, etc. It's like you have decided to invalidate her desires by making them seem petulant and meaningless. When you characterize activities as "running around" you have already decided that they are useless.

 

But I think it will go better for her if you can inventory why they might be great, meaningful, developmentally helpful etc, and still say "no" if you have to. At least you will have acknowledged that her desires are legitimate. She's young, so what she desires may change, but your response to them will always be important to her. She may eventually need to hear that you actually can fully sympathize with why she wants to do what she wants to do. Just because her wanting it is valid doesn't mean you have to do it. Maybe she can come to understand why you want to stay home and you can understand why she wants to learn a new skill or test herself physically against other kids oir whatever it is), and you can both make each other feel understood, but reach compromises. Does that make sense? I think most kids understand not having everything they want, but they do want their heart's desires to be met with sympathy and understanding even if they can't have those things. Otherwise, she might end up angry.

[Murphy101]

For us it's just reality check and priorities.

 

Do we literal have the funds?

Do we have the time?

Is it family of individual centered?

 

I'd say 90% of the time those three questioned weed things out in short order.

 

I don't mind teens having individual outside activities. Expect that. College classes or whatever.

But younger kids? Meh. Most of the time it requires more commitment from ME than the kid and I'm not going to do that unless it's family centered. I just don't have the time or energy. And I really don't care if some other mom does bc that doesn't have anything to do with me.

 

And there comes a day when demanding children have to be sat down and told they don't get to make demands. If there's something they really love, dh and I will talk about and look into what we can do. But the truth is books and tv lie. You can't do anything much less everything. That's not a big family problem. It's a reality of life problem. Do what you can and always think outside the box, but there's nothing wrong with putting something to the side bc it's not working for the family.

 

Exceptions of course exists. But over all this has kept our sanity for many years.

[Murphy101]

If her one thing is swimming, I wouldn't care as long as I could afford it.

 

Being a girl tho, I bet it's not the swimming. It's the whole girl herd thing and wanting to fit in with them. Which isn't all bad if she has good quality friends. Does she get girl social outlets?

 

Maybe the problem is swimming on a team. Maybe a rec swimming option would be much less stress and still meet her desires?

[Aelwydd]

You can't do anything much less everything. That's not a big family problem. It's a reality of life problem.

 

A-freakin'-men.

[Arcadia]

I have health issues and have motor skills deficiency. I can't drive either. Because of that, we bought a more expensive but smaller home just to be walking distance to the library, recreation center and supermarket. We also have to plan our kids activities to be on weekends if it requires driving to reach the place. If there is a fun activity on a weekday that we feel is worth going, hubby takes his annual leave.

 

I can't teach my kids how to ride a bike or skip a rope just because I can't do it myself. My hubby had to teach them after work or on weekends. I do feel bad and guilty about it but my kids are happy and I do count my blessings.

 

I think evaluating activities/sports only on scholarships and the like is seeing the opportunity with only one dimension. My kids are in many sports at varying levels of ability, and we have never evaluated the worth of the activity on where they may go with it as adults. Instead, we look at each opportunity as to what is offers to our child right now. Sports can have tangible, immediate impact to a child.

 

I agree. I did non-competitive swimming for my asthma. My kids did gymnastics to improve their motor skills.

[Aelwydd]

Again, the reason I mentioned family size at all is because in the OP's case one of the contributing factors is family size and hers is a large family. Lack of activities was not the only thing she mentioned in her original post (to which I was replying), but tiredness from multiple pregnancies, etc. And since I have not known a single large family where the children get everything and everything is done for them (granted, I know very few families IRL of three or more children) I could not make the observation you posit from any personal experience.

 

I cannot control what you do or don't get offended over. The only thing I can say is that it was not my intention to offend.

 

 

 

I would not see any reason to be offended by that. I've seen this and it does happen. I most certainly not feel personally attacked by this, nor should I.Dup since she does invest into each of her children her concerns were about "extras."

 

 

 

Ltmrs, I'ved edited my response because I don't want to derail the thread anymore. Please know that the reason I am offended is because the statement was prejudicial against small families, and as there have been a number of such comments on this board, I don't appreciate yet another slight.

[Murphy101]

Hobbies and interests are fine at any age. I didn't go back to crocheting to gain anything but personal enjoyment. Dh doesn't home brew beer with any goal other than sharing a nice brew with family and friends. I'm sure all my kids have stuff they just enjoy too.

 

But there does need to be a reasonable commitment to what the goal is.

 

I crochet in my spare time bc it's a hobby, not my main job. Dh isn't taking off work or sacrificing family to brew beer.

 

Likewise, kids have to be taught balance as well. If the extracurricular activity is starting to completely consume life to the point of everyone having to repeatedly sacrifice multiple times a week to make it happen? That better be more than just a fun hobby outlet to justify that. IMO. Double true if its affecting their academics and family commitments.

 

That said, I would not suggest presuming anything for college with an 11 year old.

[I.Dup.]

They really "need" very little besides a good family and a good education. Some people don't even think the need what I would consider a good education. What they might want is another thing altogether. Swimming takes a huge huge amount of time and energy. I loved it when my son swam year round. It wasn't just "running around." I will cherish until the day I die (seriously) the memories of driving him to practice and chatting, cheering for him from the stands, checking into a hotel together and heading over for warm ups. I wouldn't trade those memories for a pot of gold. And he wasn't a great swimmer. There were no delusions of Olympic Trials here. Swimming makes people realists, because there is no arguing with the score on the board and what that says about the kids standing against other swimmers. I am also, I will admit, pretty pleased that he no longer swims. It really is very demanding for the parent. Even though I can list all the things that makes swimming a great sport and great character training even if the kid will never ever swim at a high level, I am sort of glad to be out of that life. And I can't imagine trying to swing it when you have a large number of kids and a small amount of money. So I guess I sound contradictory, but I think the point I am making is that (1) the value of activities to your child is not based on how far those activities take your child in terms of achievement. It's not like swimming turned out to be a waste of time for all the kids who didn't make the Olympic team. They got other, priceless benefits from it. And made sacrifices too and (2) Even with just three kids, some activities are just exhausting. So you have my sympathy and I totally get why you dont' think you can manage it. I don't think you can, honestly, not for six kids and on a tight budget. I do think you will eventually have to balance our child's desire to get out and do things against your own desire to stay home. I worry a bit that you have framed the argument in terms of her "demanding" to be driven around, entertained, chauffeured, etc. It's like you have decided to invalidate her desires by making them seem petulant and meaningless. When you characterize activities as "running around" you have already decided that they are useless. But I think it will go better for her if you can inventory why they might be great, meaningful, developmentally helpful etc, and still say "no" if you have to. At least you will have acknowledged that her desires are legitimate. She's young, so what she desires may change, but your response to them will always be important to her. She may eventually need to hear that you actually can fully sympathize with why she wants to do what she wants to do. Just because her wanting it is valid doesn't mean you have to do it. Maybe she can come to understand why you want to stay home and you can understand why she wants to learn a new skill or test herself physically against other kids oir whatever it is), and you can both make each other feel understood, but reach compromises. Does that make sense? I think most kids understand not having everything they want, but they do want their heart's desires to be met with sympathy and understanding even if they can't have those things. Otherwise, she might end up angry.

 

I totally know what you mean. I don't mean to undervalue her interests....she didn't even ask to start swim team, it was all my idea. :blushing: I WANT her to be involved, do things, feel fulfilled, have a purpose. I totally see the value in all of that and don't mean to belittle all outside activities. The way I'm venting here is just my own frustration about the situation, kwim? I absolutely want her to be happy, fulfilled, I love her so much. She has always been "demanding" in a sense, just a more intense and difficult child. But she is growing into SUCH a lovely, sweet, kind, caring young lady (even before swim team! ;) ) and I really am so proud of her. I don't mean to make her out to be the enemy.

 

It helps to hear your perspective, as a former swim mom. Thank you.

 

I'm sure all my kids have stuff they just enjoy too. But there does need to be a reasonable commitment to what the goal is. I crochet in my spare time bc it's a hobby, not my main job. Dh isn't taking off work or sacrificing family to brew beer. Likewise, kids have to be taught balance as well. If the extracurricular activity is starting to completely consume life to the point of everyone having to repeatedly sacrifice multiple times a week to make it happen? That better be more than just a fun hobby outlet to justify that. IMO.

 

Yes, exactly. This is what I'm feeling. I know most parents just "suck it up" but you said exactly what I am feeling/questioning right now.

[stm4him]

I.Dup., My children are almost EXACTLY the ages of yours. Newly 11, 8 1/2, almost 6, 4 1/2, newly 3, and 1 1/2. My oldest takes a lot of time to work with because she has a learning disability and needs so much help with school work. She gives back in leaps and bounds, though and I don't know what I'd do without her. My second child was diagnosed with leukemia in September and I just kept thinking, "My plate is soooo full, Lord! I don't have TIME for cancer!" Not to mention all the other thoughts that go through your head when your child has cancer.

 

I am now teaching 4 children in our homeschool after adjusting to teaching 3 just last year and I find I am only able to teach, do laundry, and straighten or clean here and there as I can. My husband has always done the dishes and helped with the kids (he works from home), but now he cleans the kitchen, throws meals together, and runs almost every errand, including driving our son 3 hours away for cancer treatments about once a week, sometimes within one day. When they go overnight I try to go with them.

 

I just went through and simplified our curricula and I hope that will help this coming semester. We aren't quite caught up with our CC group but I hope we will be by Tuesday somehow. We cut out all activities this year except CC, church, and AWANA. I feel sad about that sometimes because it was so neat to watch my kids (even my 5 and 4 year old) play violin and start sports in our new neighborhood. The oldest two had started piano with our fabulous church pianist and only got one lesson before he was diagnosed.

 

But to tell you the truth, I am so overwhelmed with keeping up the house and school and such that I don't want to go ANYWHERE. I don't want anyone to come over either because that means I have to clean up, but then I'm thankful because it got cleaned up. I have one lady that ministers to us by coming over about every other week and helping me clean. She mops the whole first level and the two second floor bathrooms and cleans them. Sometimes she vacuums too if I don't get to it. That is a major blessing to me, but honestly I wish someone could come every week because with this many little people it gets ruined almost instantly. Our house is big and we have too much stuff. Sometimes I want to go put 90% of their toys in storage, but then I just went out and bought them a bunch of Christmas presents (though I tried to make really wise choices and pick things that wouldn't take up more space and would still fit in the containers they have). I get frustrated that they won't clean their rooms completely and that our school room, rec room, and craft room get trashed which makes school difficult. I feel like I live in a house of slobs sometimes but all but the oldest two are too young to be of much help and now my second child is sometimes very ill.

 

I forgot to mention that I am 28 weeks pregnant with #7 so I am not physically able to keep up nearly like I could before. I have been pregnant and/or nursing the last 7 years except for a few months this summer. When I wasn't pregnant or nursing I got up at 5 am and went to bed at 11 pm and the house was kept in decent order daily and school got done most days. It was AMAZING and my husband thought he had a new wife! So I know that much of this is related to my inability to be my all when I am pregnant and/or nursing.

 

That being said, I had gestational diabetes last time for sure and probably the time before (think it went undiagnosed) and I find out tomorrow if I failed my second one hour test. If I do have it again this will likely be the last baby and although pregnancy is no fun I LOVE babies and toddlers and it is soooo sad to me that this may be the last. But with a child who needs me to help him get through cancer and another who is struggling with learning and puberty and grief and worry (from losing the twin of this pregnancy, a cross state move, and her brother's cancer diagnosis all in a few months), I just need to focus on what I have. And sometimes I get excited that after this baby is done nursing I can get my body back and be a lot more capable of being consistent. But again, I know I will have trouble with this because I believe it is the Lord who closes the womb (and so does my dh). So we will have to see how the Lord leads on this but for now I'm thinking we'll be using some form of natural family planning in the future, at least until my son is out of the woods. I don't want diabetes the rest of my life.

 

I share all this because so much of what you said resonated with me. Some people think I am a super mom but I know anything I DO do is not because of me, nor done in my strength. I remind myself that my weakness is His strength and that He will get the glory for anything good I do or have done. It is a dream of mine to speak and write in the homeschool world someday and I will be able to speak at that time about homeschooling a large family classically through financial crisis, cancer, hypothyroidism (which zaps my energy at times), learning disabilities, moves, and more. Someday maybe I will be an encouragement to others. Sometimes I think all I'll be able to do is wear a t-shirt that says I survived all that, but I know that would be selling God short. He didn't give this to me because I can handle it. He gave it to me because I can't, and only through Him can I pull through this with hope and joy. I count my blessings and over and over I tell my kids to do the same when things seem rough or meaningless or too hard to get through. I choose thankfulness when I want to be bitter or wallow in self-pity. I choose to seek out ways to make homeschooling work for us when I want to enroll them in a private school next year or put my littles in daycare or preschool (been there, done that). And I go on this board and I ask questions and I post answers and I draw comfort from knowing there are others out there like you who are struggling with many of the same things but choose to persevere anyway.

 

I don't know if that was any help at all, but if nothing else, imagine cancer added to your plate and know things could be worse :-)

[Danestress]

I don't mean to make her out to be the enemy.

 

 

 

 

I didn't think that at all from your posts. You are posting because it's hard for you not to provide them with "everything" they might reasonably benefit from. We all want our children's lives to be near perfect because we DO love them so much. It would be a lot easier if we didn't care so much.

[I.Dup.]

I.Dup., My children are almost EXACTLY the ages of yours. Newly 11, 8 1/2, almost 6, 4 1/2, newly 3, and 1 1/2. My oldest takes a lot of time to work with because she has a learning disability and needs so much help with school work. She gives back in leaps and bounds, though and I don't know what I'd do without her. My second child was diagnosed with leukemia in September and I just kept thinking, "My plate is soooo full, Lord! I don't have TIME for cancer!" Not to mention all the other thoughts that go through your head when your child has cancer.

 

I am now teaching 4 children in our homeschool after adjusting to teaching 3 just last year and I find I am only able to teach, do laundry, and straighten or clean here and there as I can. My husband has always done the dishes and helped with the kids (he works from home), but now he cleans the kitchen, throws meals together, and runs almost every errand, including driving our son 3 hours away for cancer treatments about once a week, sometimes within one day. When they go overnight I try to go with them.

 

I just went through and simplified our curricula and I hope that will help this coming semester. We aren't quite caught up with our CC group but I hope we will be by Tuesday somehow. We cut out all activities this year except CC, church, and AWANA. I feel sad about that sometimes because it was so neat to watch my kids (even my 5 and 4 year old) play violin and start sports in our new neighborhood. The oldest two had started piano with our fabulous church pianist and only got one lesson before he was diagnosed.

 

But to tell you the truth, I am so overwhelmed with keeping up the house and school and such that I don't want to go ANYWHERE. I don't want anyone to come over either because that means I have to clean up, but then I'm thankful because it got cleaned up. I have one lady that ministers to us by coming over about every other week and helping me clean. She mops the whole first level and the two second floor bathrooms and cleans them. Sometimes she vacuums too if I don't get to it. That is a major blessing to me, but honestly I wish someone could come every week because with this many little people it gets ruined almost instantly. Our house is big and we have too much stuff. Sometimes I want to go put 90% of their toys in storage, but then I just went out and bought them a bunch of Christmas presents (though I tried to make really wise choices and pick things that wouldn't take up more space and would still fit in the containers they have). I get frustrated that they won't clean their rooms completely and that our school room, rec room, and craft room get trashed which makes school difficult. I feel like I live in a house of slobs sometimes but all but the oldest two are too young to be of much help and now my second child is sometimes very ill.

 

I forgot to mention that I am 28 weeks pregnant with #7 so I am not physically able to keep up nearly like I could before. I have been pregnant and/or nursing the last 7 years except for a few months this summer. When I wasn't pregnant or nursing I got up at 5 am and went to bed at 11 pm and the house was kept in decent order daily and school got done most days. It was AMAZING and my husband thought he had a new wife! So I know that much of this is related to my inability to be my all when I am pregnant and/or nursing.

 

That being said, I had gestational diabetes last time for sure and probably the time before (think it went undiagnosed) and I find out tomorrow if I failed my second one hour test. If I do have it again this will likely be the last baby and although pregnancy is no fun I LOVE babies and toddlers and it is soooo sad to me that this may be the last. But with a child who needs me to help him get through cancer and another who is struggling with learning and puberty and grief and worry (from losing the twin of this pregnancy, a cross state move, and her brother's cancer diagnosis all in a few months), I just need to focus on what I have. And sometimes I get excited that after this baby is done nursing I can get my body back and be a lot more capable of being consistent. But again, I know I will have trouble with this because I believe it is the Lord who closes the womb (and so does my dh). So we will have to see how the Lord leads on this but for now I'm thinking we'll be using some form of natural family planning in the future, at least until my son is out of the woods. I don't want diabetes the rest of my life.

 

I share all this because so much of what you said resonated with me. Some people think I am a super mom but I know anything I DO do is not because of me, nor done in my strength. I remind myself that my weakness is His strength and that He will get the glory for anything good I do or have done. It is a dream of mine to speak and write in the homeschool world someday and I will be able to speak at that time about homeschooling a large family classically through financial crisis, cancer, hypothyroidism (which zaps my energy at times), learning disabilities, moves, and more. Someday maybe I will be an encouragement to others. Sometimes I think all I'll be able to do is wear a t-shirt that says I survived all that, but I know that would be selling God short. He didn't give this to me because I can handle it. He gave it to me because I can't, and only through Him can I pull through this with hope and joy. I count my blessings and over and over I tell my kids to do the same when things seem rough or meaningless or too hard to get through. I choose thankfulness when I want to be bitter or wallow in self-pity. I choose to seek out ways to make homeschooling work for us when I want to enroll them in a private school next year or put my littles in daycare or preschool (been there, done that). And I go on this board and I ask questions and I post answers and I draw comfort from knowing there are others out there like you who are struggling with many of the same things but choose to persevere anyway.

 

I don't know if that was any help at all, but if nothing else, imagine cancer added to your plate and know things could be worse :-)

 

I am so, so sorry your child has cancer. That has got to be so horrifying in ways that cannot even be put into words. God bless you, and may He quickly heal your child and keep you all healthy.

[AngelBee]

stm4him......praying for your child. hug

 

More to say.....I am a mama of 7 and expecting. I own a business and kids are competitive dancers. I TOTALLY understand what you are saying! hug

[ElizaG]

And since I have not known a single large family where the children get everything and everything is done for them (granted, I know very few families IRL of three or more children) I could not make the observation you posit from any personal experience.

I'd be surprised if you could name any. We happen to know quite a few larger families, including some relatively affluent ones, and they've all had to limit activities due to the relative ages of their children, pregnancy difficulties, or just plain frazzled mommy. And even for the likes of Brad Pitt and family, who are able to afford six nannies (expandable to twelve as needed :blink: ), there are going to be aspects of parental involvement that can't be easily delegated, like watching the children's concerts and competitions, coaching Little League, volunteering at group events, and just going to the museum or on a hike together. I don't know how they deal with this sort of thing, and I'm not particularly inclined to read celebrity gossip magazines to find out, but I can't imagine it's always satisfactory for everyone involved. But I'm guessing they have a lot of of enjoyable times as well.

 

Living in a family with many children is such a different experience from living in a family with one or two, I can't see how it would be possible to come up with a controlled "apples to apples" comparison, even if one wanted to do that.

[fairfarmhand]

BTW, for me, it isn't just that I have to space my kids more than I'd like for fear that they'd end up closer together than I can handle. That's just the uppermost thing in my mind. I ALWAYS wanted to own a horse growing up. We have the money, but I don't have the time and energy. I just don't. So it's not something that's ever going to happen for me. In my dreams, I'd live on a hobby farm with a dozen kids. Nope. Never going to be able to handle it. I have to make choices about what I can realistically do and set priorities. :)

Don't give up on the horses. We bought some for our girls this summer (they are 15 and 11) I told my dh that I would not do a horse till the kids were old enough to do it alone, because I have enough to manage. The girls have done well with them. BTW, we did a pony when my oldest was about 9 and it was a massive fail. She couldn't manage him alone, but with the older one helping out, then my 11 yo can manage.

 

OK, so how about an above ground pool for the summer? Maybe a package of passes she could trade in for "free-swim" time at your local pool if they do that? Maybe have swimming just be a for fun activity and not a weekly commitment. I know you may come up against some opposition at first but if you word it gently, she will hopefully understand. No solution is absolute, and it can always be revisited when you feel better, less tired, or if things change with your family. These are just some rambling thoughts, but sometimes it's hard to see other options when your in the middle of a situation. Best of luck and hugs all around! :grouphug:

My dd needs to have something on the schedule to look forward too every week. So when we called off lessons this summer she was really at loose ends as to what to look forward too. I had to be very proactive about SCHEDULING things for her to do. Even if it was just getting together with a friend for the day, she needed to know that I had something planned.

 

For us it's just reality check and priorities. Do we literal have the funds? Do we have the time? Is it family of individual centered? I'd say 90% of the time those three questioned weed things out in short order. I don't mind teens having individual outside activities. Expect that. College classes or whatever. But younger kids? Meh. Most of the time it requires more commitment from ME than the kid and I'm not going to do that unless it's family centered. I just don't have the time or energy. And I really don't care if some other mom does bc that doesn't have anything to do with me. And there comes a day when demanding children have to be sat down and told they don't get to make demands. If there's something they really love, dh and I will talk about and look into what we can do. But the truth is books and tv lie. You can't do anything much less everything. That's not a big family problem. It's a reality of life problem. Do what you can and always think outside the box, but there's nothing wrong with putting something to the side bc it's not working for the family. Exceptions of course exists. But over all this has kept our sanity for many years.

 

This is excellent. I've told my older kids often that as they get older they will have more opportunities. Especially when I am not the one that has to drive them around. But honestly, I think by the time they are driving age, they will be working part-time, so keeping busy won't take so much energy.

 

The bolded is something that my oldest continually struggles with. My dd's best friend lives in town in a subdivision. I live 20 minutes from stuff on a farm with animals to care for and a part time job to juggle. My oldest continually wants to do all the activities of her best friend. But I can't commit to that. I refuse to. It's part of our life to be where we are, doing what we're doing and we can't do everything that those living in town do. I wish I could wave a magic wand and instill contentment in my oldest, but I can't.

[Sameera]

My second child was diagnosed with leukemia in September and I just kept thinking, "My plate is soooo full, Lord! I don't have TIME for cancer!" ...But to tell you the truth, I am so overwhelmed with keeping up the house and school and such that I don't want to go ANYWHERE. I don't want anyone to come over either because that means I have to clean up, .... but honestly I wish someone could come every week because with this many little people it gets ruined almost instantly.

 

Try moving to a smaller home, it may reduce your workload. Older children who are well, may be able to help with some chores. Visitors should also help in, seeing that you have your'e hands full. If they offer to wash up, or help with laying the table, hoover, etc... let them.

 

Please do visit Dr Tullio Simoncini's website & read about his work on curing cancer, he believes it is caused by a fungus: candida albicans (yeast). A good diet for cancer I think would be an anti-candida diet or a diet suited for those with celiac disease, by avoiding avoid wheat & gluten products. Try avoiding all processed & junk foods & refined sugar as it depletes his immune system & from essential vitamins. Instead have plenty of fresh garlic (kills candida) have meat, eggs, vegetables, fish, some fruit (avoid very high carbs e.g. potatoes, for now). Leave out transfats and instead use real butter, olive oil and coconut oil.

 

May God cure your son from cancer soon & relieve you from all the pain & hardship (ameen).

 

Best Wishes.

[Sameera]

that prevent you from doing as much as you'd like for each child. How do you deal with the guilt of this?... I know some moms have health issues, mental illnesses, whatever, that keeps them from being the ideal mom that they have in their head. For us, it is having a large family. This has meant many pregnancies, many sleepless nights, ... I have had more health issues and I get more tired each time.

 

I really liked listening to a sample from Sonya Shafer's Workshop on Looking Past the Fear (though I am not Christian, as a Muslim, I do believe Jesus was a Prophet of God). Also, please do read about what hardships Charlotte Mason went through.

 

Our children are getting older and especially my oldest is very demanding (always has been) and wants to be entertained, chauffeured around, etc. I am realizing that I have little energy (or even desire) to do many things...

 

Give your older child some responsibilities according to his available time & ability, (e.g. house chores, schedule & evaluate his own learning or help with the younger ones).

 

If something prevents you from doing everything you'd like with your kids, how do you deal with this?

 

Have only one or two extra curricular activities rather than too many, or none at all. Keep life simple, and accept that there are too many things you are trying to achieve. Stick to only the priorities for now, otherwise you may get burnt-out. Take one step at time (if this happens) until you fall back into a good routine.

 

Best Wishes

[freeindeed]

My little one has special needs, which prevents our family from doing some things. We still participate in a weekly co-op, so that's the one extra thing we're doing right now. I stay with my little one in the nursery while my older children go to their classes. It is an all day thing every Monday. That is all I can do right now, but it's okay. I used to feel "mommy guilt," but I've learned to let it go. My older children are also learning eternal and valuable lessons, such as compassion and sacrifice. Perhaps in a few years my dd4 will be at a developmental stage that will allow us to do more, but until then, this is just our current season of life. So, just do what you can. Your kids will be fine.

[linders]

:grouphug: Here, it is DH's health. He can go to work, but that is about it, so I do the homeschooling. house stuff, errands, and all activity support/chauffeuring. I tend to get cranky by 7:30, when the last activity is over but I come home to the dishes from the dinner we rushed through before heading out. And stuff slides, especially house stuff, but often the "fun" part of school.

 

I have no great advice - any chance there are any families close to enough to provide some chauffeuring to get the olders out to activities? Maybe in trade for something? I was whining talking about this to another swim parent at practice one night and he offered - out of the blue - to bring DS9 and DS12 home from practice a couple nights a week so I can be home earlier. I can't reciprocate (he is part of a car pool and we would be way out for most in the carpool), but he knows about DH's health and said not to worry, pay it forward some other time.