PeacefulChaos Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 Thank you all! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 I think I'd email them. Something along the lines of, "I know you love us, and have our bests interests at heart. However, this ongoing issue is damaging our relationship. I'd like to agree to disagree, and not discuss our place of worship any more." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RebeccaS Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 What Impish said is exactly what I said to my sister about 5 years ago. It was the only way to save our relationship. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 I think I'd email them. Something along the lines of, "I know you love us, and have our bests interests at heart. However, this ongoing issue is damaging our relationship. I'd like to agree to disagree, and not discuss our place of worship any more." Yup. It's not your decision to stay that is damaging your relationship, but their lack of acceptance. If they are unwilling to accept your decision, it seems that being right - and righteous - is more important than your relationship. Whatever they use to justify it, it's really about control at that point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 You set up boundaries. They've told you their piece (more than once!). Now it is between you and God. If they can maintain a relationship without pressuring you to leave, then fine. But if they can't, you can still acknowledge the love and respect you've had for them over the years while stepping away from the relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobbeym Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 I think I'd email them. Something along the lines of, "I know you love us, and have our bests interests at heart. However, this ongoing issue is damaging our relationship. I'd like to agree to disagree, and not discuss our place of worship any more." You set up boundaries. They've told you their piece (more than once!). Now it is between you and God. If they can maintain a relationship without pressuring you to leave, then fine. But if they can't, you can still acknowledge the love and respect you've had for them over the years while stepping away from the relationship. :iagree: with Imp and Jean. Set your boundaries with love, and if they can't abide by them then you'll have to decide how much of a "friend" they really are. We've left a couple churches because we felt things were not spiritually correct but never had close friends we wanted to keep in touch with. We also left a church because we strongly disagreed with the pastor's between-the-lines approach. While his sermon's were usually very good, his comments and actions made it clear that he cared about *his* sheep rather than the Lord's sheep. We did have a few people from that church try to get us back even though they agreed with us, but they respected our decision to leave and dropped it. We still talk to them now and then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 I think I'd email them. Something along the lines of, "I know you love us, and have our bests interests at heart. However, this ongoing issue is damaging our relationship. I'd like to agree to disagree, and not discuss our place of worship any more." I would email them this, from DH and me (assuming he agrees here). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 a few thoughts. 1) be prepared to let the relationships go. You can be open to continuation providing they are polite, BUT 2.) people like your friend who invest alot in a religion, and THEN make a HUGE todo about leaving and *attacking* the religion's pastors are saying far more about themselves than the religion itself. It would lead me to believe one of two things is going on: they have commited a serious sin, and instead of admitting it and repenting, are engaging in self-justification and deflection. serious immorality after being deeply invovled in a particular religion can often lead to the type of behavior you describe just on the basis of shooting the messenger becasue their conscience is yellling a message at them they don't want to hear. there could be something organically wrong with the brain causing highly irrational behavior. seriously - most people when they decide they don't like their particular religion anymore, simply leave and look for something they like better. they don't feel a need to make a show of it and pressure others to come with them and adopt their own views. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted January 2, 2013 Author Share Posted January 2, 2013 I think my biggest concern is just that even if we set boundaries, it won't matter. This person may try for a little while, but they're a really outspoken person and I just don't know if they could handle it, kwim? And with it being a family member, it makes it a lot harder to do something like actually sever the relationship. And I really don't know that we'd want to go that route, anyway. I can't imagine it actually coming to that, I would just like for them to stop trying to 'recruit' us, you know? Part of me almost wishes we could just get away from it all. Remove ourselves from the situation entirely - like move away or something lol. But that's out of the question and I don't know that I'd really want that - it just seems easier than feeling like we're stuck in the middle all the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 Boundaries are always enforceable unless you see the person assaulting you. . . You can tell someone "this topic is off limits. If you bring it up I will (hang up the phone, walk away, go home etc.)" And do it. You don't have to do it with a lot of drama. In fact, in my experience, the more quiet and matter of fact you are, the better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 I think my biggest concern is just that even if we set boundaries, it won't matter. This person may try for a little while, but they're a really outspoken person and I just don't know if they could handle it, kwim? And with it being a family member, it makes it a lot harder to do something like actually sever the relationship. And I really don't know that we'd want to go that route, anyway. I can't imagine it actually coming to that, I would just like for them to stop trying to 'recruit' us, you know? Part of me almost wishes we could just get away from it all. Remove ourselves from the situation entirely - like move away or something lol. But that's out of the question and I don't know that I'd really want that - it just seems easier than feeling like we're stuck in the middle all the time. Healthy boundaries aren't about making anyone else do (or not do) something. They are about what YOU can control, what you are wiling to do. The truth in situations like you describe is that there is likely not a comfortable, not awkward way of asserting boundaries and keeping a smooth relationship. In this case, chosing to have boundaries will likely mean awkwardness and even a few events of testing the boundary. Jean put it perfectly; you will have to state the boundary "Subject closed" and follow through with leaving, deleting, hanging up, unfriending, etc. Give them a chance for a relationship without the drama, but if they can't, move away from the conversation. Don't engage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 "I'm glad that the new church is working well for you and your family. Sounds like it is a good fit for you. We feel that God is calling us to stay in the old church, for a variety of reasons. Isn't it wonderful that we have so many options to worship? I'm so happy that you have found a great church home." Rinse and repeat. Keep the focus on their own choice, and how happy you are that they are happy there. Make it clear that your happiness with your choice does not in any imply that you feel that something is wrong with them choosing the new church. Do not give reasons for your choice. Do not be dragged into discussing it. Just repeat "We feel that we are in the right place FOR US right now" (be sure to include the "for us" part), then turn the discussion back to them "So glad you are happy in your church too" or to something else "That shirt looks great on you -I really like the color!"; "This bean dip is great, isn't it? Do you know who brought it?"; "Your kid is really growing up! Is he/she still playing soccer?" Eventually, they will get the hint that your choice is not up for discussion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 I have a friend that belongs to a church where they do believe they really are the "only" church. Sometimes I do Bible study with her friends, as a social thing, and they never pressure me, but I do feel a little weird sometimes because I do know that they would LOVE for me to join their church and it will just never happen. They are a really fun group of ladies and I love to hang out with them, but not enough to drink Kool Aide, lol. No body in their whole church has ever been aggressive with me in the way you are describing and they truly do feel they are the only church, same with my dh's LDS relatives. They are super respectful, so I really have to question where your "friend" is coming from. I, myself have Buddhist and New Age friends as well as LDS in-laws and I never pressure them. God is big enough to meet them without my being a jerk. If they want to know God, I want them to know the real true God, not Anne's God, so while we do have conversations about God and spiritual beliefs, we are respectful. After all, if there is ONE GOD, with a master plan, He can turn their hearts in the milliseconds before they die if HE wants to. My being pushy will not save any of my friends. What I tell the LDS missionaries that come to my door is this, " We have a wonderful church that takes great care of our family. Should we ever feel led to pursue the LDS faith we have lots of relatives who can help us. Have a great day." They always leave with a smile. They don't argue with me, because they know it would not change my heart. Would something this kind work with your "friend"? I suspect that rather than being concerned with your salvation your "friend" is concerned with building a church and a base of power for a personal soap box. And I don't think you are ever really friends with someone who wants power over you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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