Homeschooling when you're grieving?

[Jenny in GA]

My mother, who lives in town, is about to die any day now (And quite possibly any hour) from ovarian cancer.

 

I don't know if I will feel differently (either better or worse) when she does pass, but right now I just can't imagine dealing with anything. The idea of doing anything mundane or routine, like cooking or dishes or cleaning, just seems too overwhelming to bear. I don't feel like taking care of anything. Or anybody. the idea of everybody popping out of bed first thing in the morning and hip, hip, getting right to work with chores and schoolwork, etc, sounds almost impossible.

 

whenever I imagine what I feel like doing, or what I feel like I can cope with or what wukd sort of "feel good," I keep thinking of things that are ... Well, self-indulgent. For example, Today it occurred to me that I would enjoy an afternoon of just laying on the couch watching some silly/funny movies. The ideas of playing the piano, doing a crafts, or writing a novel I started months ago and told my mother I would dedicate to her when i finished it also sound somewhat appealing.

 

Nothing else sounds appealing.

 

Anyway, I guess what I was wondering is ... First of all, is that normal or common? And second, whether it is not, do I give in to that? And if so, how? I've even toyed with the idea of sending the kids to school for a couple months just because I'm not sure i can deal with everybody. Or would that just make things worse? I should add that at least two of my kids have no desire to attend school.

 

should I just force myself to push through and do everything I'm supposed to be doing? Should I take a few weeks "off," or would that just make it harder to get back into later?

 

My kids are 11, 9, and 6.

 

[elegantlion]

I am sorry for your situation. Take time off, it's totally normal. Watch movies, snuggled on the couch, cry. :grouphug:

[Faithr]

Both my parents and my beloved mother in law have passed away during the time we've been homeschooling. The very worst part is the part you are in now, when death is looming, inevitable and so frightening. It's the worst. It is the dark night of the soul for sure. I could never do anything during those times. I was just numb and so distracted. But after the dreadful thing is over, after that first paroxysm of grief (which lasts a few weeks), I actually found comfort in going back to normal and being able to just deal with the little, ordinary things in life. So this will pass.

 

I am so sorry about losing your mother. I pray God gives you strength and grace. You have my deepest sympathies and all my empathy. It is hard, but you'll come out of the tunnel at other end okay.

[Murphy101]

It sounds completely normal and healthy to me. I wouldn't send the kids to school. I think learning to grieve together in a healthy manner might be the most important thing they learn this year.

 

(((Hugs)))

[EducationX2]

We lost my father last year (actually, one year ago today.) During his illness and after he passed, we did school when we felt like it. There were days when neither of us could handle that. We spent many days just being together. Playing games, watching movies, taking walks.... just togetherness. This is one of the reasons I chose to homeschool: to be involved in my child's life, and to tailor her educational experience to her needs. While grieving, what she needed was me as a mommy, and not to worry about school work. She's not at all behind, and when we finally did get back to school, it was exciting.

 

You all need time. Take that time. Seriously. You'll make more progress in the long run if you take time now to grieve. If you have some easy, no set-up needed school activities that can be pulled out on good days, make them easily accessible so that when you and the children are feeling like it, they can be done on a whim.

 

:grouphug: to you and your family during this difficult time.

[Mom22ns]

I've lost both my parents while homeschooling too. My mom died of breast cancer and dad a month after a stroke. With both, I took care of them on hospice at the end and it took over everything. I think it was actually easier to do school again after they were gone. We probably took about a week off. There was visitation, and the funeral, and family, and travel (they lived 3 hours away).

 

There came a point where it felt good to get back into a routine again. School was healing. You'll know when that time is. Until then, give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do in order to get by.

 

:grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

:grouphug:

[freesia]

I am sorry for your situation. Take time off, it's totally normal. Watch movies, snuggled on the couch, cry. :grouphug:

I agree completely. It is completely normal. You will be able to get back to normal later. One thing you might consider, though, is just doing what you love to do w/ regard to schooling. Do read alouds or nature walks or whatever. I found that the distraction of schooling was good. But only do that if you want. Do not feel badly about taking care of yourself right now. I am so, so sorry.

[Kari C in SC]

First I want to say how sorry I am. Death stinks! There is no eloquent way to put it. It hurts more than anything and there is absolutely nothing you can do to fix it. Somebody asked this question awhile back and this was my response back then. Please be extra kind to yourself. Lots of hugs.

 

I have two experiences of losing somebody and going back to homeschooling. The first was my sister-in-law. She died in November of 2003 very unexpectedly. I took off from the time of her death till after the new year and then I finished the rest of the year in a fog. My son was a freshman in high school and my daughter was in K. I did the minimum.

 

My second time was when my son passed away. Oddly enough, he died the evening of our last day of school. I am to a point now (2 years later) where I can laugh about that and tell him that it was awfully considerate of him to wait till I finished school for the year. He died on May 14 and I took off the entire summer. I started back in September. My daughter was in 7th grade and my son was in K. I didn't really do anything for K other than read to him. He had already taught himself to read and do math beyond what a kindergartner needed to know - so I just let it go. I look back now and can't really even remember much of that whole year of school with my daughter. We just did the best we could. Some days that meant little to nothing - other days that meant a super filled day of academics. That really is the beauty of homeschooling. You can do what you need to when you can do it. I do remember the day the public school kids went back to school that year very clearly. I was sitting at my dining room table just sobbing and so very thankful my kids were not on those buses because I was terrified of sitting all alone in my house for a whole day. They were the ONLY reason I got up each day and I will forever be thankful that I had homeschooling to keep me moving. Do what you can when you can and just be good to yourselves. Healing takes time and is a journey.

 

[Hunter]

:grouphug: Everyone grieves in their own way, and every day is different. Take it one day at a time, and be gentle with yourself. Expect to be all over the place, and to take as many steps backwards as forwards, for a LONG time.

 

If anyone DARES to tell you how you SHOULD be grieving, send them on their way. What they are saying is all about themselves and very little about you. The only thing useful about listening to people like that, is to gain some insight about how they think and maneuver through THEIR life.

[MinivanMom]

I am so sorry. If you feel like you need time off, then take time off.

 

When my mother died I took nearly a month off, because I was so overwhelmed with diving into handling her estate (nevermind grieving). After that, we were pretty diligent about homeschooling. I was trying really hard to have a routine for my kids' sake. It also gave me some positive time with my children each morning before I shut myself up in a room to spend hours sorting through the financial mess. Looking back, I'm not sure how we survived. I'm glad now that I kept them at home with me, but it was hard at the time.

 

Every situation is unique, so you should do what feels right to you. A break may be good for all of you. It's okay if grieving is your top priority this year.

[SunnyDays]

I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Sounds perfectly normal to me. Everyone handles grief differently, but I don't know many people who can just carry on the next day with all their activities, like nothing happened. Adjust as needed. Take a bit of time off entirely, you can always make it up later. Read to your kids and cuddle them. Make new memories together. Don't send them to school, you need one another. Even if you completely skip academics for an entire month, guess what? It's okay, and down the road, it won't make that much of a difference in academics. But it will make a lot of difference in your family life if that's what you need. Hugs to you all.

[acsnmama]

I'm so sorry :(

 

I agree with everyone else. In the beginning of the school year I was dealing with severe depression, and we haven't gotten a whole lot done this year. I agree that work can be made up later on. I hope and pray you're feeling better soon.

[CyndiLJ]

Part of what I think is so important about homeschooling is the ability to live a real life that also includes education. Real life means illness, suffering, and death right along with the happier moments. I agree with an earlier poster who said learning how to grieve together may be the most important thing your children learn all year. You are on your own schedule, for both grief AND school. Allow yourself that control and give yourself the gift of time right now. Eventually, you'll get back to routine, but for many folks, routine is a way of ignoring the pain they are in. Just let yourself do whatever it is that you feel would be most helpful right now, be it watching those movies, or laying around doing absolutely nothing but making it through each day. This time will not go on much longer, and there is plenty of opportunity for the three R's.

 

So, so sorry that you are going through this.

[JennyD]

I have no constructive advice, but I am so sorry. I hope that your mother's passing is peaceful, and please know that you are in my thoughts.

[Lizzie in Ma]

Everyone grieves in their own way, unique to themselves. If you feel like homeschooling, that's fine, if you don't, that's fine too.

While my sister in law was dying we did a lot of cuddling and tv marathons. I think, in some ways, that part was almost harder than when she finally left us. My dh was living at the hospital with her and her husband and his parents so having him away was tough too. DH was there for our youngest's birthday, we sent a video of her blowing out her candles and then they called here and the very last words she spoke to our daughter were, "Happy Birthday, I love you" ( and now I'm crying again)

We didn't school because I never knew from moment to moment when we'd be called to come as well.

Plus, we really couldn't.

Just couldn't.

Some things take priority over school, do what you need to do. And I am sorry about your Mom. :grouphug: :grouphug:

[kdownie]

I am so very sorry for your mother's sickness and how everything is now. Absolutely take the time off! Watch silly movies, play games, do crafts, anything that is attractive. I wouldnt bother sending your kids tp school. I think it would be even harder. You will eventually get back to the schoolwork, and your kids will do just fine. I will be thinking of your family.

[Luckymama]

Jenny, I'm so sorry. My mother died from ovarian cancer too. It's so unfair :(

 

Mom died the fall before we started homeschooling (when dd was in fourth grade), but Dad died last school year, quite suddenly. I was in absolute shock. School took a backseat for about a month since I had to do all the arrangements and start dealing the estate as I was both the executrix and the trustee of my parents' estate. During that time dd just read her history and kept up with math. Once things calmed down we added vocab and science and so on. But there were days even through May when the only formal subject covered was math. I tried not to worry.

[G5052]

Quite normal. :grouphug: We lost all of the grandparents while homeschooling, plus a number of close family friends.

 

Definitely give yourself some time, but if after a month or so you still are having significant trouble functioning, you may need some grief counselling. It is quite normal to have periods of sadness (I still do), but you want to watch yourself. Homeschooling can wait for a time, but you don't want it to completely drop off the screen either. It is easy to let things slide for too long.