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Restored relationship with the in-laws!


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Some of you are already aware of this, but many here are not. I wanted to share some things that have been happening over this last year.


First we need to rewind to 4 years ago. When things fell apart at the church my MIL not only said she didn't believe me in regards to what the Sr. Pastor had done, but she and FIL remained elders and remained loyal to the Sr. Pastor. We did not expect them to leave the church as dh's younger brother was on staff as well, but we made it clear that we could not "talk" to them openly so long as they remained elders. While we said this the Sr. Pastor said it was untrue and he couldn't understand why wouldn't talk our parents :p ....of course he wouldn't mention the severance agreement in place that put a gag order on us.


Even after dear friends of theirs, two other older staff pastors, were forced to "resign" they still remained elders. Even when their now resigned friends, who didn't have severance, told them we could not talk so long as they were elders...they still didn't resign. This cut dh so deeply. His parents abandonment when he was no longer the "golden child" devastated him and became an issue he sought counseling over. Oh how I love that Psychologist!!!! He helped put dh back together and gave our marriage a future.


As a result, dh set up some pretty firm boundaries with his parents, starting with all future relationship to be begun in writing via email, letters, or FB, but no emotional tear ridden, emotionally manipulative phone calls or face to faces for awhile. It took them 3 years to write, but in that three years a lot happened. We grew stronger in ourselves, they got counseling and moved closer to some healthy family members, and most of all....time.


Over a year ago, dh got his first letter from his mother...then his father. The writing continued and finally progressed to phone calls and web chats. A couple months ago I looked at dh and suggested it was time for a visit over Christmas. We just got back a few days ago....


The trip was amazing! In many ways the people are the same, but we have all changed in different ways that it works. MIL still gets a bit huffy and emotionally manipulative, but dh and I have learned to just ignore it and let her right herself. It works!!! She still puts dh in the "golden child" role, but I can now see clearly how he flat out ignores her compliments at his brothers expense and then goes and builds up his brother privately. The kids had a blast with their cousins and I was really able to "see" and "understand" MIL more within the context of her siblings. Being around all the adult cousins let me see that we all have issues with our respective parents, and we even have some putting up some really firm boundaries and coming to dh and I for guidance on this path.


I guess I am sharing here because I know so many of us have had serious issues with In-laws and parents. Some of us have had to cut contact for various reasons, but I do not often hear about resolution even though I know it occurs. Looking back I do not think we would have done anything differently. Our whole family was dealt a very rough hand, but I am grateful for the relationships that are beginning to heal and mend.

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Thanks all! It was a rough few years filled with lots of second guessing ourselves, having the extended family not knowing our side of things and feeling alone. In many ways those years have been great for our marriage, but not some much for understanding the genetic pool our kids come from. ;) This past week I was able to see my kids surrounded by cousins who were so similar to them in their ADHD extremeness that we were all comforted. Some made my kids look tame. They were all great kids, but WOW! the amount of boisterous boys and chatty flamboyant girls was very entertaining.

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