Disparate income/wealth levels at family gatherings - tension?

[Hoggirl]

If your extended family has a wide variety of income/wealth levels, does this cause tension/resentment at family gatherings?

 

We are in route to an extended family gathering. One family member, in particular, can make quite the snarky comments at times. They are not poor, but they do not have what we have, and she will sometimes make catty remarks about what we have compared to what they have. How is one to graciously handle this? It's hard for me not to be snarky back. This is not a recent development. She seems to like making me feel uncomfortable/guilty about what we have.

 

Any suggestions on how to handle this?

[Parrothead]

Just smile and say "thank you" no matter what she says. Even if it isn't what would make sense as an appropriate reply. You'll befuddle her so much she will stop. If you have to laugh after the 3rd or 4th time because only you get it it will just make her even more befuddled.

[bettyandbob]

I don't think you respond. "pass the bean dip".

 

There's nothing you can say. Anything you say will make you look bad. Right now, she looks bad.

[Mango]

I'd be tempted to say, "Good manners are priceless."

[Lang Syne Boardie]

What if you just turn to her and say, "Susan, I'm thankful for my life. Some of how we live is the result of our own hard work, and some is the result of blessings from God, and I'm not ashamed of anything we have or the decisions we've made. No matter what you say, I'm only going to keep being thankful. I would really like it if you would lay down the constant comparisons on this visit and let our time together be about family and things that matter instead of how our lifestyles might differ."

 

I would so do this, and defy anybody to make a family catastrophe out of it.

 

I had to do something like it this week, when a relative from out of the country was preaching on the evils of the American diet and the stubbornness of the people she'd encountered on her trip this year, how they weren't taking her advice about what to eat and what to feed their kids. Everybody was prideful about loving junk food, she thought. I had to gently but plainly tell her that 47 million Americans are on food stamps this Christmas, many for the first time in their lives, and the focus at the moment is getting through the holidays with the kids fed and full of good memories. Everybody could stand to clean up their diet, and the SAD is a problem. Nobody argues against that. But the #1 issue is feeding the children. This Christmas, the people she met were probably just thankful their kids had something to eat.

 

It did not ruin our relationship. We went on to have a very nice visit. Sometimes people have to be lovingly told to knock it off and why.

 

And if they are such jerkfaces that a calm reminder like that would cause WWIII, well, that's not the fault of the sane people.

[Hoggirl]

Awesome, Tibbie! I need to work on memorizing this on the rest of our drive!

[Cassy]

Say nothing, don't react.

 

If she's trying to make you feel bad or uncomfortable then your refusal to do so is your best response.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

To answer your question....yes. But, in my case it's the other direction. For the most part, we keep up with appearances, but there is ALWAYS tension when it comes to Christmas, because DH's siblings seem to assume that any amount (split 3 ways) that they can afford for their parents is fine for all of us. It puts us in a tough spot EVERY year, despite having made small comments to try to clue them in that it would be better to decide on a budget FIRST to make sure everyone is comfortable (namely us) with it. Sigh.

[Jen in PA]

What Tibbie said.

[justamouse]

The saddest part is that as long as she keeps that attitude? She won't get anywhere. She is her own self fulfilling prophecy.

 

So, yes, what Tibbie said.

[mhaddon]

We have a family member always going on about how much she has. But, they don't pay for anything aside for her car payment and her gas. It has all been given and set up so that they pay little child support (rigged by his family). She only has to work to shop. She is annoying and I ignore her. The only time I went off was when she spanked and yelled at my oldest without permission. I think just not going near the person helps and keeping the conversation to small talk and then walking away. I guess the thing that bothers me is that I'm friends with people that make three times what she does and do not act like her, and yet she felt the need to go on Christmas day about how much she spent on presents for her kids and how she knew kids were going without food, but she was just glad she was able to spoil her kids and she always would and shouldn't have to feel bad for them. Yeah, that left a bad taste in my mouth because we've always taught our kids the act of giving and we do not spoil our kids because I don't see the benefit. They don't want for anything, but I don't overindulge them. She is just a venomous person I hate being around. If I had to be around her an extended amount of time (like more than 2 hours) I wouldn't go honestly. Not without starting a big big fight

[mhaddon]

And I should say she doesn't make more than us, but she thinks she does. It is just the way she goes on and how she talks down to everyone. She is a constant competitor in everything. I'm friends with her step daughters mom so I'm sure that is why she is even more pleasant around me. They way she treats her step daughter makes me want to scream. It's all about how you treat other people, not about the money you have or don't have...

[gardenmom5]

:hugs:

I grew up watching this scenario in a previous generation.

 

this is not about you, but about her jealousy. the thing about this type of jealousy is there is never "enough" to fill her void. (if you were to switch places and she had "more" than you, you'd never hear the end of it.) All you can do is be as gracious as you can be. If that means smiling, telling her you're sorry she's having a hard time, and walking away so you put space between you, that's what you have to do.

 

I'd recommend don't mention anythingn to do with money. do try and compliment her on her successes and ask what she's doing with her own family. Most people like to talk about themselves.

[Remudamom]

We have people in our family very well off. We have the just divorced who are going to go from living in the fast lane to barely making it. We have people that have no money and spend off the wall, and those that have lots but are very frugal. We all just try our best to ignore it and help each other.

[gardenmom5]

. I had to do something like it this week, when a relative from out of the country was preaching on the evils of the American

 

dh's neice lives in Germany. She married an eastern european who grew up hearing all about the evils of america, and was convinced america was a horrible greedy country. he eventually came with her to visit the US over a thanksgiving several years ago. He saw it really 'wasn't' everything he'd heard growing up. He's now applied for immigration. (which could be years.)

 

 

she was just glad she was able to spoil her kids and she always would.

yes dear. until the money runs out. (and that type of attitude, it frequently blows up in people faces. sometimes not as soon as one would wish . . . . )

[bolt.]

Yes, my parents and in laws are at quite different levels. My FIL has a hard time, I think because he has trouble accepting hospitality that is more lavish than he would be able to return. That might be it, or possibly for some other reason, but he frequently declines to spend time as a group that includes both sides of 'our' family.

 

It might be that he thinks my parents "brag" or show off, or talk constantly about their somewhat lavish ordinary life. I know this might make people uncomfortable -- but I don't know what else my parents would chit-chat about... That is their life. They don't have another one for conversation purposes.

 

Could it be that your sister is sharing "tough time compared to you" information just because that -is- how things are? Because something about sharing stories makes her say an introductory remark like, "Well, not everyone has my experiences (because you have more than me) but here's something from my world to be my chit-chat story..."

[ScoutTN]

Yes, we have this, except we are the ones who are much poorer than all of our extended family on both sides.

It does cause some tension at times, but we try to be nice and ignore it when people are rude.

[Hoot]

Uggh. I don't have any suggestion, but I can relate. When my nephew was born we bought some baby furniture for my house because he spent a lot of time with us in the first year. I bought a pack-n-play, bouncy seat, and exersaucer. All items were used from Craigslist and we spent a total of $40 for ALL three items together. Every. single. time. my brother's girlfriend would come over she would pout and whine about how our baby stuff was soooooooooooooo much nicer than the "crap" she had at home for him. It was annoying and frustrating to me. Personally, I just ignored it. What I FELT like saying was that we actually WORK for our nice things and we find things used and at sales instead of expecting handouts from everyone else. We also take care of our things so they last for a very long time. We actually gave them a beautiful crib and dresser/changing table, but when the baby outgrew them they gave them back because they didn't know what else to do with them. Well, let me just tell you that they were DISGUSTING. There was food and feces caked on both pieces of furniture. Animals would have taken better care of that furniture than they did.

[jolley]

We are the poorest in my family and the wealthiest on dh's side. My family is very supportive of our decision for me to stay home and homeschool. Dh's family only have 1 or 2 that will bring it up. I avoid the conversation as much as possible.

[Hoggirl]

The money thing turned out to be a non-issue at this gathering. Instead, this relative honed in on the fact that I had gone primal in my eating, why was I trying to lose weight (I wasn't - I just wanted to eat in a way that I thought was healthier), I was so skinny, etc. So, this trip I wasn't too "rich," I was too "thin." Yes, this relative is overweight. It's always something! Lol!

[LucyStoner]

My dad is the oldest of a very large family. Some of them are on disability and divorced. Some are solidly middle class and some are quite affluent. 95% of the time there is zero stress or strain over this when they are all together. The one awkward time I can remember is that when my very affluent uncle kinda ribbed my dad about his decline in circumstances when he visited us at a rental house in the city and the last time he had visited my family had been having our closest brush with almost being middle class and lived in a small house my parents had managed to buy in the suburbs. He did this by quizzing us kids and saying things like "Didn't you kids prefer living out there?" etc. There has always been a bit of a rift between them as they were close in age and each was a bit jealous of the other for different things. Not a very big deal and this same uncle has always kind and gracious in other ways.

 

If you say anything be calm and firm. If you say nothing, that works too.

[LucyStoner]

The money thing turned out to be a non-issue at this gathering. Instead, this relative honed in on the fact that I had gone primal in my eating, why was I trying to lose weight (I wasn't - I just wanted to eat in a way that I thought was healthier), I was so skinny, etc. So, this trip I wasn't too "rich," I was too "thin." Yes, this relative is overweight. It's always something! Lol!

 

 

That's always the way. My mom has an awful mother. She will find anything to "insult" others. Last I saw of her (after a decade of no contact) her first words were that I "wasn't the skinny Katie anymore." While as a 24 year old new mom I wasn't willowy like was was when she last saw me at age 14, I was not overweight. Her first words to my husband ever were that he was too skinny. Her first words of my son, her great grandson who was so adorable at that age that other parents, while holding their own babies, would not infrequently declare him the most beautiful baby they had ever seen? "His eyes are too blue." There are some people who will just find anything, and I mean anything to say that is negative. Boo on their jealous, nasty selves!

[swellmomma]

_{There is a wide range in our extended family. With me being the lowest, and my sister/bil being the highest. THe only time there is tension is when sister and bil start in about this, that and the other they bought/trip they took and how it's too bad I never get to do that. And then my sister and mom start in about how "real adults work" and blah blah blah. Not apparently remembering I am not working currently due to my health failing when I was. So in our case it is NOT a matter of the varied income that makes the tension but a couple of b**ches who can only make themselves feel good by kicking someone who is down. If it wasn't the money issue, it would be the kids behaviour, or my being a DIY home renovator, or that I homeschool, or that I am not as skinny as them(which is funny since my mom was fatter than me for most of my life and only lost the weight a couple years ago, now she thinks she is better than everyone else who has not lost weight). Family gatherings always seem to have at least 1 person that is just a grinch about everything.}

[Hoggirl]

Wow, Katie! I can't imagine a great grandma saying something negative about a great grandchild! How very sad that her life is so negative. I would keep my distance as well.

 

And you are correct swellmomma - this relative is rather Grinch-like year round.

[KrissiK]

Fortunately, we don't. I have a cousin who is quite wealthy (married well), but she is so gracious. They have a beautiful home and yard and she entertains often and is the most down to earth person I know. When she has the family over she's very unpretentious and doesn't make anyone feel bad. If I were you, I'd just smile and maybe even go along with what she's saying. "Yes, that is a lovely couch. Your multi-million dollar vacation sounds wonderful. Tell me about it!" It would definitely disarm her and take away whatever power she perceives she has due to her financial situation. There's got to be a reason she's making catty remarks. Probably to make herself feel good, or something. There's always a reason.