Homeschooling with Little Support?

[fantasma]

Hi all - new to the boards, but I've been lurking for awhile.

 

I have two girls - 4 y.o and 6 y.o. from a previous marriage. I have full custody and their father isn't in the picture other than occasional visitation - no decision making. We live with my fiance. My older daughter has a pretty severe case of ADHD (medicated), and I have some health issues myself. I work around 25 hours a week from home as a freelance writer, and I'm homeschooling the girls loosely following Well Trained Mind, throwing in some computer stuff, documentaries, etc. for them to work on if I have a work call or a focused deadline.

 

I'm a member of our local homeschool co-op, so I DO know some homeschooling families in my area. However, what I'm struggling with is the lack of support/complete disagreement/general ignorance (not in a sarcastic "ignorant" way, but ignorant as in complete lack of knowledge/unfamiliarity) from my fiance and close friends. He's parenting the kids along with me (we cohabitate), but doesn't understand homeschooling, doesn't "get" why I want to do it, and is truly concerned about both their education and my health. He's not necessarily anti-homeschooling, he just sees school as the default option and doesn't see why I'd want to voluntarily add more to my plate.

 

I think, basically, that they have unrealistic expectations - thinking that the house should always be clean, laundry done, kids sitting neatly at the table -- and if these things aren't happening, than I'm either failing at schooling or at housekeeping because I'm working. Not working isn't an option, financially. I don't feel like I'm doing that badly, but I also don't want to consistently defend myself. Like any family, we have good days and bad days, but overall, we're hitting our educational goals for the year -- however, he has no children of his own, and doesn't necessarily have the perfect idea of what's developmentally appropriate. What I do is darned hard, but I make it work...I just need to figure out how to show that it's working.

 

I guess I'm wondering how to either A) Let this go and do my own thing or B Demonstrate that I'm really not screwing up the kids <sigh>

 

Thoughts? Advice? I feel rather like banging my head against the wall some days.

[Hunter]

The most liberating thing was for me to learn is that it is okay to do things my way even when I can't prove myself right. I tell people, "One of my basic human rights is to be 'wrong' and do it anyway." Then I tell them, "I also have the right not to explain myself, and I have the right to change my mind."

 

These are your kids. Yes, he is important, but he's new to the picture. You still have to do it your way, at least for now, despite his concerns. He is also thinking of PS as the default, by remembering how it was for him, years ago, as a boy, and probably without ADD. That is not YOUR daughter's experience.

 

Clean house, robot children--those aren't everyone's goals. You are a writer and therefore an artist, and those are not typical artist goals. Failing at the goals of OTHER people is not failing. Maybe write yourself out a mission statement, and I'll bet you'll find that you are highly successful at meeting YOUR goals.

 

Having a man come into an already established home is tricky. There is a power play that comes into a affect. Many men expect to become the center of everything and some women don't want to turn into an orbiting satellite. There are some issues going on here that are far bigger than homeschooling.

 

:grouphug:

[fantasma]

He's actually really good about helping around the house -- my close friends are more of an issue with that, as they're SAHM's with kidlets in public school.

 

To clarify -- I guess my issues are twofold - A) Fiance who's willing to pitch in with parenting, household work, cooks, cleans, etc., but doesn't understand homeschooling and is constantly worrying that the girls are behind and therefore will be unable to succeed if we ever have to put them into public school, as well as worrying about the stress he feels homeschooling causes me. Very supportive for the most part with the business of running a house, just has no idea how homeschooling works or why I'd chose to do it, even after explanations...

 

B ) Close friends who are convinced I'm screwing up my kids because the house is messy during the day, I work during the day and let the littles play on their own, and I don't keep a perfect house or have dinner on the table or do things the "right" way. These same friends are convinced that if I'm stressed or sad or temporarily overwhelmed (holidays, deadline, etc.) that the answer is obviously to put the kids in school.

[Ellie]

To clarify -- I guess my issues are twofold - A) Fiance who's willing to pitch in with parenting, household work, cooks, cleans, etc., but doesn't understand homeschooling and is constantly worrying that the girls are behind and therefore will be unable to succeed if we ever have to put them into public school, as well as worrying about the stress he feels homeschooling causes me. Very supportive for the most part with the business of running a house, just has no idea how homeschooling works or why I'd chose to do it, even after explanations...

If *you* are convinced that homeschooling is the best thing for *your* children, then that's what you do. That he doesn't understand even after explanations is irrelevant; since the children are *yours*, his job is to either get on board or get out of the way. Preferably, he will trust your judgement.

 

B ) Close friends who are convinced I'm screwing up my kids because the house is messy during the day, I work during the day and let the littles play on their own, and I don't keep a perfect house or have dinner on the table or do things the "right" way. These same friends are convinced that if I'm stressed or sad or temporarily overwhelmed (holidays, deadline, etc.) that the answer is obviously to put the kids in school.

This is quite common. You have to quit discussing homeschooling with them. And hang out with your new homeschooling friends more. :-)

 

All of us would love to have the approval and support from those closest to us, but it just doesn't always happen like that. Sometimes it gets better as time goes on and the naysayers see that our children are not, in fact, screwed up for life; sometimes it doesn't. But the strength to continue has to come from inside of *us.*

[Hunter]

 

PS complicates rather than solves many things, for many families, especially those without cookie cutter kids and parents who are the creative or rebellious type.

 

Would your house be cleaner if the kids were in school? I'm doubting it. We all seem to have a tolerance level for mess and it stays pretty constant despite the outside influences. And time fills up no matter how many things we drop. When we drop too many things other people start filling up our time for us. Often people are pushing us to clear our schedule so we will become more available to THEM.

 

I wasn't slamming your guy. I was just pointing out how blended family relationships work in general, and the hard place women find themselves of having to choose between traditional roles and more modern ideas of matriarchal expectations.

 

[fantasma]

No worries - didn't think anyone was slamming. Just realized that my first post was a bit unclear :)

[shinyhappypeople]

I just asked DH about our experience. He was a reluctant hs'er in the beginning, but now, 3-1/2 years in, he hopes the girls never have anything at all to do with public school. He said, "It's just a big change and it takes time." If your DF likes to read, I think Family Matters: Why Homeschooling Makes Sense by David Guterson would be helpful. I also like John Holt (Teach Your Own) and John Taylor Gatto. JTG has some videos on youtube, if that's more his speed. Underground History of American Education is free online.

 

Mostly, though, just give it time.

[JennW in SoCal]

I just asked DH about our experience. He was a reluctant hs'er in the beginning, but now, 3-1/2 years in, he hopes the girls never have anything at all to do with public school. He said, "It's just a big change and it takes time." If your DF likes to read, I think Family Matters: Why Homeschooling Makes Sense by David Guterson would be helpful. I also like John Holt (Teach Your Own) and John Taylor Gatto. JTG has some videos on youtube, if that's more his speed. Underground History of American Education is free online.

 

Mostly, though, just give it time.

 

 

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

As I was reading through the thread I kept thinking the fiance needs to read David Guterson's book, but John Taylor Gatto in video form works too as he is a great speaker. My dh came fully on board with homeschooling after attending a homeschool conference at which JTG spoke.

 

Perhaps reading the class of 2013 acceptances thread from the college board would help him too, as well as the college acceptance threads from the last few years. All kinds of students from all kinds of homeschool families with wildly divergent philosophies and styles are all grown up now and doing well in college and in life.

 

Some of my pre-homeschool friendships slipped away over the years as we just had such different lives that we no longer connected. The only friends who ever came over were other homeschooler families who understood and embraced the mess and clutter that comes with raising creative and busy young students. And homes where people live and work 24/7 are never clean for long!!

[thebacabunch]

As a the grownup child of a situation fairly similar : mom with full custody, dad largely out of the picture,stepparent I will tell you point blank that things which were a difference of opinion before my mom married my stepfather became the hill to die on once they were married. Your fiance will never have legal rights to your kids unless he legally adopts them or is granted legal custody of them. This decision is yours alone. If your df is not on board you have some decisions to make. It WILL change when you are married. If you plan to homeschool you need to be frank and clear with df and tell him that you WILL be homeschooling and if he can't get on board then it will be a problem. Kids first.

[fantasma]

Thanks so much for the input, guys. Gives me a lot to ponder.

[In the Rain]

Can you invite some of your home school friends and their families to spend time with you and your df? My husband's initial acceptance of hs'ing was greatly impacted by spending time with hs families when dd was 3. He saw that the kids were "normal", and actually delightful. He heard other men singing the praises of hs'ing. My dh always respected my intentions and decisions, but he was reassured by hearing other people talk about the woes of ps, and the benefits of hs'ing.

 

I used to be a ps teacher, and most of our friends with kids in ps are also ps teachers. Not one of them has *ever* suggested that the solution to a problem was to put the kids in school. Maybe you need to establish some boundaries with them. Point out that you don't tell them to hs every time their child has an issue in school, and they shouldn't respond to your issues by telling you to put your kids in school.

 

HTH

[Sebastian (a lady)]

It also happens that sometimes we grow away from people who were great friends in the past. I think the point where kids enter school is a big time for this to happen. If your kids were all in grade school together then there would be all kinds of easy conversations about teachers, class projects, homework, etc. With a family homeschooling and another in grade school, it can be harder to maintain areas of common ground.

 

It also happens sometimes that people feel defensive about their education choices and either take comments more seriously than intended or come off as more critical than intended. It's up to you to decide when a comment needs to be considered and when to just offer up a bean dip response. If you haven't heard of Passing the Bean Dip, here is an explanation. Long time WTM board member Joanne popularized the term, but I'm not finding her original explanation.

 

There have been times when people have made careful but critical observations that I really did need to hear. Other times, they didn't know the whole story. So I let them know that I heard the comment, but move the conversation along. One other thing is that if you don't want homeschooling or the condition of your home to be up for discussion, don't present those areas as problems to be solved or commented on. (In other words, if you say things like, "My house is so messy and I don't know what to do or where to start," people will tell you where they think you could improve.)

[G5052]

It also happens that sometimes we grow away from people who were great friends in the past. I think the point where kids enter school is a big time for this to happen. If your kids were all in grade school together then there would be all kinds of easy conversations about teachers, class projects, homework, etc. With a family homeschooling and another in grade school, it can be harder to maintain areas of common ground.

 

Yes, this period was a big transition for me. I had been involved in a weekly play group since my oldest was born, and when everyone else began preparing for sending theirs off to the classroom, it soon became apparent that we were going to part ways. The comments and snipes became so painful that we left months before school actually started. From what I heard, the group limped on for about a year more, and then broke up as they became more and more school-centered.

 

At that time I became more focused on kid's activities, and eventually got connected to several local homeschool organizations. I've always worked and homeschooled, so I had to focus on just a few, but I have some great friends from those connections.