If your child DOES want to play video games constantly...

[Joanne]

Okay. But I gotta tell you. The real gamers that I know don't have enough time in the day for games. They certainly aren't going to spare any for $ex or p*rn. There are enemies to battle and higher levels to attain.

 

 

LOL.

 

I don't know why, but I still can't "give up" the stuff when I role played for that 1.25 years. I have millions in my bank in cash and stuff, and am reluctant to give it to my boys!

[Parrothead]

You are making leaps in logic that are not present in my response.

 

It's not all about the "rush" and "high" of gaming(or porn, or shopping, or gambling), btw. It's more complicated and nuanced than that.

Perhaps you need to more fully explain. You seem to be taking potshots at gamers all the while saying you have no problem with them. At least that is the way I'm reading it. But my responses are colored by my experiences as well.

[Joanne]

Perhaps you need to more fully explain. You seem to be taking potshots at gamers all the while saying you have no problem with them.

 

 

Not at all, Chucki. I think you are reading my posts through a filter.

 

Search all my posts on the topic; I am truly not against games or gamers.

 

An 8 year old with a hyperfocus needs imposed structure, and possibly elimination.

[I.Dup.]

Maybe this gaming/p*rn/brain seeking thrills thing is because our modern lives just aren't set up to meet a male brain's needs. In past times, men had to hunt, kill things regularly, go to war, defend their land and their families. Now they sit in cubicles and get bossed around and told what to do all day. Maybe these brain rushes aren't a problem but something a male brain needs that they no longer get in modern times? I KNOW my dh plays the games he does because he wants to fight and defend something.

 

I know women game and look at p*rn too, but as a "problem" it seems to be a primarily male thing, and a pretty wide spread epidemic.

 

But I could be totally wrong, lol. Just thinking "out loud."

[I.Dup.]

 

An 8 year old with a hyperfocus needs imposed structure, and possibly elimination.

 

He absolutely has imposed structure, and always has. Never has he been allowed to play all he wants. There are routines and structures that we follow every day. It's just that gaming is his biggest hobby and interest, that's what I was concerned about. NOT that he sits and plays all day long.

[Parrothead]

 

 

Not at all, Chucki. I think you are reading my posts through a filter.

I'll admit that is a possibliity. As much as I try not to take things personally sometimes it happens.

 

Search all my posts on the topic; I am truly not against games or gamers.

I actually read much of what you post with great interest.

 

An 8 year old with a hyperfocus needs imposed structure, and possibly elimination.

I suppose I don't see the hyperfocus. Or maybe what I'm seeing is imposed structure and possible elinination only when it involves video games. Which I find to be a double standard.

 

Okay, now I really have to unglue myself from the computer so I can go shower and get chores done. We got a new game (well two actually) for Christmas and I want to try it out.

[Danestress]

I am a little confused by what you are asking. On paper, you are asking what we do if our kids enjoy video games more than they "should." But for me, if a kid is compliant and agreeable about the limits on set on something, it doesn't seem like that big of an issue that they would have liked to have more of that thing. There are a lot of things I enjoy more than I "should." If there were no consequences, I would be a heavy drinker, for example. I know I enjoy it more than I "should." But I consider a good sign that I am able to say, "just one drink" and stick with it. Even if, truthfully, some days I start wanting that one drink at about 2:00 in the afternoon,

 

If your son is able to abide compliantly with video game restrictions, I would consider that a positive thing. My oldest son was less compliant, and looooooved video games. We never let them in the house. He played at other people's houses some. I knew it would be a battle ground if we had one and imposed restrictions, so we just side stepped that. He is an adult now. He loves video games. He works full time, is married, spends time with us and friends, and seems to keep the gaming within healthy confines, so I guess it all worked out. My 15 year olds have an xbox they will play for hours one day, and then not think about for weeks. So they don't have that addictive thing going on.

 

I will also say that with only two 15 year olds in the house, and me a SAHM with kids who attend school, my DH's hobbies can still annoy me. He uses his free time to draw, paint, run, workout, and play tennis. This should be no problem because I have plenty of my own free time, and he can do these hobbies (except the drawing) with his sons, and often does. Still, I think how people use free time and what time counts as "free" can be a source of some strain even in happy marriages. It would be a great source of irritation to me if I had as many kids as you do at the age your kids are, and my husband wanted to use all his free time to play video games, which I felt ambivalent about my kids being involved in so much. I have a hard time reconciling that with your view of him as the worlds most perfect husband, which is not to say that I think it makes him a "bad" husband. I guess I wonder if this bothers you more than you are admitting, because I will admit that some days my husband's hobbies bother me, and I actually think they are all great, valuable hobbies that make him a better, more interesting, healthier person.

[Parrothead]

Maybe this gaming/p*rn/brain seeking thrills thing is because our modern lives just aren't set up to meet a male brain's needs. In past times, men had to hunt, kill things regularly, go to war, defend their land and their families. Now they sit in cubicles and get bossed around and told what to do all day. Maybe these brain rushes aren't a problem but something a male brain needs that they no longer get in modern times? I KNOW my dh plays the games he does because he wants to fight and defend something.

 

I know women game and look at p*rn too, but as a "problem" it seems to be a primarily male thing, and a pretty wide spread epidemic.

 

But I could be totally wrong, lol. Just thinking "out loud."

You may very well be on to something there.

[SKL]

I would just say that a 7-year-old's stomp and pout are not symptoms of anything except being 7yo.

 

I'd set reasonable, healthy limits and watch to see the direction in which things go.

 

My kids don't do a lot of gaming because they are too busy doing other things. They are not allowed to have their games except during down times at home. If I see a hint of attitude, the DS goes into time out until a set date.

[I.Dup.]

I am a little confused by what you are asking. On paper, you are asking what we do if our kids enjoy video games more than they "should." But for me, if a kid is compliant and agreeable about the limits on set on something, it doesn't seem like that big of an issue that they would have liked to have more of that thing. There are a lot of things I enjoy more than I "should." If there were no consequences, I would be a heavy drinker, for example. I know I enjoy it more than I "should." But I consider a good sign that I am able to say, "just one drink" and stick with it. Even if, truthfully, some days I start wanting that one drink at about 2:00 in the afternoon,

 

If your son is able to abide compliantly with video game restrictions, I would consider that a positive thing. My oldest son was less compliant, and looooooved video games. We never let them in the house. He played at other people's houses some. I knew it would be a battle ground if we had one and imposed restrictions, so we just side stepped that. He is an adult now. He loves video games. He works full time, is married, spends time with us and friends, and seems to keep the gaming within healthy confines, so I guess it all worked out. My 15 year olds have an xbox they will play for hours one day, and then not think about for weeks. So they don't have that addictive thing going on.

 

I will also say that with only two 15 year olds in the house, and me a SAHM with kids who attend school, my DH's hobbies can still annoy me. He uses his free time to draw, paint, run, workout, and play tennis. This should be no problem because I have plenty of my own free time, and he can do these hobbies (except the drawing) with his sons, and often does. Still, I think how people use free time and what time counts as "free" can be a source of some strain even in happy marriages. It would be a great source of irritation to me if I had as many kids as you do at the age your kids are, and my husband wanted to use all his free time to play video games, which I felt ambivalent about my kids being involved in so much. I have a hard time reconciling that with your view of him as the worlds most perfect husband, which is not to say that I think it makes him a "bad" husband, but I guess I wonder if this bothers you more than you are admitting, because I will admit that some days my husband's hobbies bother me, and I actually think they are all great, valuable hobbies that make him a better, more interesting, healthier person.

 

I'm sorry if I sound contradictory. I probably shouldn't have started this post. I think I started feeling a bit defensive and too exposed when I started having my husband and my marriage questioned. We have had a LOT of problems over the years, mostly regarding the hobbies I mentioned, and I felt badly that I brought that up again. I have felt guilty for talking about my dh in "Public settings" like online, and was strongly chided and criticized in the past for doing so (from "friends" who were very into the whole submission thing). So I am trying not to do that anymore. But I guess I brought him into this discussion to give some background and now I'm feeling like it's turned into a discussion on my marriage. Needless to say, this is a loaded subject for me, I DO think I over think things, and that may be the biggest problem here. I worry about EVERYTHING.

[Parrothead]

Oh, and something else I thought about. There is something about video games that compels one to finish it. To healthy young people who have more time on their hands than the average adult sitting down to finish a game is nothing. Perhaps a momentary obsession. But once the gamers has kicked butt in the final battle there is a sense of completion. When I say dd and I will periodically take a week to play a game, that is what we are doing. Once it is done we don't have any reason to play for a while.

 

I often think parents who only give their kids 30 minutes of game time are doing a disservice. That is usually not enough time to get through a level and find all the secrets. Especially as the kids get older and the games get more sophisticated.

[Parrothead]

and was strongly chided and criticized in the past for doing so (from "friends" who were very into the whole submission thing).

Please don't give those people and their opinions a second thought.

 

And your dh's views and habits about the gaming (not so much the other) does have a bearing on this conversation and your family's dynamic.

 

I'm sure there are some people who view his hobby with disdain. But there are those who hold the same view about golf. (can you tell I dont' like golf?)

[Cindyz]

We have a set time that he can play games. If there is a question, "Can I play?", it will be asked over and over. Once the time is set, he can let it go out of his mind and do other things.

 

We are much more lax during school breaks, but that only happens a couple of times per year. :)

[Durriyyah]

When DD1 was younger, I told her that she could have video game time for every one minute she read. It worked out well at that time and I've relaxed since then. Dh is starting to teach her to lay off the screen time before I tell her to turn it off so she doesn't get more restrictions. I can't stand the TV being on all day.

[Durriyyah]

I have felt guilty for talking about my dh in "Public settings" like online, and was strongly chided and criticized in the past for doing so (from "friends" who were very into the whole submission thing). So I am trying not to do that anymore. But I guess I brought him into this discussion to give some background and now I'm feeling like it's turned into a discussion on my marriage. Needless to say, this is a loaded subject for me, I DO think I over think things, and that may be the biggest problem here. I worry about EVERYTHING.

 

I totally get how you're feeling and I'm sorry that starting this post and the responses have brought up old feelings. :grouphug: I think more and more men are into gaming now and just like when TV started becoming wildly popular, human cultures had to decide how it fit into their homes and lives. Sometimes it is hard to control how much you think about something and that turns into an obsessive hobby. I worry about my own dh and how much his gaming will affect our kids and how much they want to play outside and do things beyond a monitor or TV screen. If you're worried about those same things, maybe schedule fun family days a couple times a month and that will in effect limit how much game time they have, without actually setting a limit. I think as moms we really concern ourselves with how the family functions as a whole and the dads are the task-minded people (i.e. "what needs to be done?").

 

I think the PP that said men need that hunt/kill/adrenaline rush may be on to something also. Maybe there's a healthy hobby your family can take up that can take that need/want and use it in a healthy way.

[Aspasia]

I have to ask. What do video games have to do with p*rn to the point that you are not surprised to find this man is (or has been) involved with both?

 

The implication is that guys who like video games also view p*rn on a somewhat regular basis.

 

I'm not a professional, like Joanne, but I'm guessing that it isn't necessarily about games and p*rn being related as much as it is about a brain that is naturally prone to process addiction. And these two processes (as well as many others) happen to have lots of potential for providing a rush and a need to seek that rush more and more, with an ever-increasing tolerance for it (in terms of gaming, this may be the increasing levels of difficulty), and therefore the need for ever more and more.

 

Very interesting discussion, and frankly, I'm not surprised at all that the two often occur in the same people the way that Joanne has described.

[I.Dup.]

Very interesting discussion, and frankly, I'm not surprised at all that the two often occur in the same people the way that Joanne has described.

 

 

I don't think it's any big mystery...men are just looking for that rush that they used to get regularly in natural settings. Primarily men have problems with both p*rn and gaming, so I don't think it's very surprising that they may occur simultaneously (esp. with p*rn so rampant on every form of media now).

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

I think one way besides limiting screen time to an hour or less IMO is to also not allow screen time on a daily basis. We generally do not allow screen time during the week and honestly ds is too busy. I try to keep him very busy with some free time for non-screen activities. I think it is important for your dh to limit his screen time as a good role model too.

 

I do not think gaming is bad and can be sometimes useful as in Wii Fit for exercise which we did allow on a daily basis for about 30 to 45 minutes for exercise (he now gets regular exercise without the Wii). We have also used some educational games. I do think gaming can be addictive though and as such I believe in preventative measures to prevent such addiction. I also like to foster enjoyment of other activities.