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Spent the day with dad on Tuesday, and I'm still processing it.

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The boys and I went up to spend the day with dad and take him to a doctor's appointment.

 

So many things to process.

 

Dad is still so frail. He fell in the parking lot trying to get into my car. He was lifting one leg into the car, and the other knee gave out. Blessedly, a man was driving by and stopped and helped me get dad back up. Thank the Lord for kind strangers. He didn't hurt himself, but it was scary. He's SO weak. His voice is weak, his whole body is weak. He's an old man now, even though he turns just 56 today. It's so hard for me to process that. I mean, he can't walk from his living room to his bathroom without taking a break. He has to stop in the middle of sentences sometimes because he runs out of energy to talk.

 

His bedsore is still awful. It's down to his tailbone. It's being treated, but it causes him SO much pain. I think he's on some pretty heavy duty pain meds, because, well, he kinda acts like he's on some pretty heavy duty pain meds. :p

 

And my parents house. Oh my goodness. I don't go to their house much. Ok, I never went to their house before this. It's; I don't know how to describe it. It's filthy. And full of junk. Like, I walk into the kitchen, thinking 'Ok, well, how about I wash the dishes'. And there's no indication of how to do that! Where would one find a clean towel? And then there's no where to put the dishes to dry! There's just stuff EVERYWHERE. It's really disturbing. I have no idea why they live this way. My mother is very able bodied, and so was my dad before the heart attack. It's so depressing.

 

And. AND. Then my mother.

 

She's going out of town new years weekend. By herself. For three days. Because "she needs a break". But dad is too anxious to be alone for that long, so he asked me to come stay with him one day. Which is fine. But what kind of wife goes three hours away from her husband for three days when he's in this sort of condition?!

 

I'm just; I don't know. I kinda wish dad could come live with me. Mom is making it clear (in ways that I cannot express in writing) that she does not want to take care of him.

 

It all makes me very sad. Truly. I love spending time with my dad, and he's always so grateful to see me. But I feel helpless in this situation. I'm so unhappy with his current living situation, and there's nothing I can do about it.

 

I'm just venting. Thanks for listening. :)

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Can you offer to have him come stay with you while his bedsore heals? :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

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Can you offer to have him come stay with you while his bedsore heals? :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I wish. You have no idea how much I wish. But it's just not gonna happen. We don't have a place for him.

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry, hon. It's been a long road.

 

It has. Thanks for the hugs, everyone. I guess i just don't know how to process or respond to what's going on with dad now. It's all so. I don't know. So different from my life that I live just an hour away.

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Maybe you should ask if your Dad could come stay with you for the three days your Mom is gone. See how it goes, what it's like caring for him, and maybe just get him set up and see if she really arranges to get him moved back after the three days are up.

 

When my Dad was enfeebled (I am trying to figure out how to say it, because I didn't think he was dying, even though he did end up dying, and he wasn't really "sick" with Alzheimer's and his other problems) I sometimes resented my Mom. Sometimes it seemed like she found easy ways out of spending time with him, or made excuses, or chose her desire to put her feet up and relax over his need for company and care.

 

But caring full time for someone over the months is really exhausting. I remember at one point my father's neurologist took me aside and said, "You have all but lost your father to this disease, but you don't have to lose your mother to it too. You need to really look at her welfare." And the thing was, during that time, I was visiting my father EVERY DAY and doing a lot for him. I wasn't just expecting my Mom to handle it while I waltzed in whenever it was convenient for me. I gave up huge chunks of my life and my family time to help with him. And the neurologist wasn't implying otherwise. But he had a lot of experience with the toll an illness can take on a spouse. In some ways, after my father died, I got my Mom back. I didn't realize how incredibly stressed and overwhelmed she was until after he died. I mean, intellectually I totally understood, because I was also overwhelmed. But I didn't recognize that some of her personality changes were really just a short term stress reaction.

 

All of that to say that your parents may have already had a fractured relationship, and you may not have the whole picture of their marriage, but you can be pretty sure that caring for someone in your Dad's condition is really difficult, and when you didn't have a good relationship to start with, it's got to be even more difficult. It may not be fair to blame your Mom for having a hard time caring for someone who maybe she didn't have a happy marriage with Or maybe she had a happy marriage with but she's suffering under the strain. Obviously, I don't know, but I am just saying that her current circumstances are very hard, and I would go easy on the anger if you can. It's so easy to get angry during tough times, anyway. It sounds like your Mom probably could really really use three days of respite. I think she may be wise to ask for it. It sounds like she's barely functioning around the house.

 

I'm so sorry for your situation. I hope you can figure out how to help your Mom as well as your Dad. It's such a difficult, draining, exhausting thing to do, and I well remember the moments of anger and frustration with my own mother and sisters, whom I absolutely adore and who were very good, wise, loving care givers.

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:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Hang in there, Bethany. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

Is it possible to hire a cleaner (maybe with your sister) as a gift saying something like, "Mom, you have your hands so full in this situation, I'd like for you to have some help with the house, just until Dad gets better."?

 

Just an idea. It would set your mind at ease a bit, even if they don't mind the way they live. I clean house for 2 people that sound like your parents. I'm glad they have me. They are glad I take care of things for them.

 

I know your post was just a vent, but thought you might not have thought of hiring someone to help in that capacity.

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Maybe you should ask if your Dad could come stay with you for the three days your Mom is gone. See how it goes, what it's like caring for him, and maybe just get him set up and see if she really arranges to get him moved back after the three days are up.

 

When my Dad was enfeebled (I am trying to figure out how to say it, because I didn't think he was dying, even though he did end up dying, and he wasn't really "sick" with Alzheimer's and his other problems) I sometimes resented my Mom. Sometimes it seemed like she found easy ways out of spending time with him, or made excuses, or chose her desire to put her feet up and relax over his need for company and care.

 

But caring full time for someone over the months is really exhausting. I remember at one point my father's neurologist took me aside and said, "You have all but lost your father to this disease, but you don't have to lose your mother to it too. You need to really look at her welfare." And the thing was, during that time, I was visiting my father EVERY DAY and doing a lot for him. I wasn't just expecting my Mom to handle it while I waltzed in whenever it was convenient for me. I gave up huge chunks of my life and my family time to help with him. And the neurologist wasn't implying otherwise. But he had a lot of experience with the toll an illness can take on a spouse. In some ways, after my father died, I got my Mom back. I didn't realize how incredibly stressed and overwhelmed she was until after he died. I mean, intellectually I totally understood, because I was also overwhelmed. But I didn't recognize that some of her personality changes were really just a short term stress reaction.

 

All of that to say that your parents may have already had a fractured relationship, and you may not have the whole picture of their marriage, but you can be pretty sure that caring for someone in your Dad's condition is really difficult, and when you didn't have a good relationship to start with, it's got to be even more difficult. It may not be fair to blame your Mom for having a hard time caring for someone who maybe she didn't have a happy marriage with Or maybe she had a happy marriage with but she's suffering under the strain. Obviously, I don't know, but I am just saying that her current circumstances are very hard, and I would go easy on the anger if you can. It's so easy to get angry during tough times, anyway. It sounds like your Mom probably could really really use three days of respite. I think she may be wise to ask for it. It sounds like she's barely functioning around the house.

 

I'm so sorry for your situation. I hope you can figure out how to help your Mom as well as your Dad. It's such a difficult, draining, exhausting thing to do, and I well remember the moments of anger and frustration with my own mother and sisters, whom I absolutely adore and who were very good, wise, loving care givers.

 

:iagree: and :grouphug: :grouphug: . Offer grace to your mother, even when you don't think she deserves it, because she very well just may *need* it.

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I agree with maybe hiring a cleaner. My grandmother did that for my mom, when mom was half dead with pneumonia. My dad was no help. None. He was of the "cleaning is for women, it'll all be there for her to clean when she gets better" mindset. My grandmother took one look around, decided my mom would probably have a heart attack if she managed to get out of bed, and hired someone to clean until mother was better. Mother says it is the.best.thing anyone ever did for her. Well, one of :)

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