S/O If You Were The Gift Giver

[beaners]

I pay attention to threads about receiving way too many gifts, because it's a constant problem in our house. There is always advice to throw away or give away or return stuff you don't like, but not to say anything to the gift giver about it. How would you feel about that if you were the gift giver? Would you rather operate under the assumption that your old, used makeup and torn, stained underwear were truly treasured gifts? I know I'd be hurt by the idea that my gift-giving wasn't as appreciated as I'd hoped, but I think I'd rather know the truth than spend time and money every year on something that would get tossed in the garbage the second I pulled out of the driveway.

 

I've been told that I don't understand the gift-giving persona, where the feeling the giver has about the exchange seems to be more important than what actually happens with the gift or how the receiver feels about it. That's probably true. I have a more utilitarian view of the whole thing. I certainly would never suggest being outright rude over a gift. I understand "it's the thought that counts." It just seems so ridiculously wasteful, and it's hard for me to fathom how thanking someone graciously goes hand in hand with counting the seconds until you can get that gift out of your house.

 

We say our thank yous of course. I'm trying not to raise ungrateful little monsters. It just seems so insincere.

[Impish]

I fall into the 'discretion is the better part of valour' category.

 

Wolf once told MIL that the toys she'd salvaged from her sister's apt were full of mould and had to be tossed.

 

Hysterics ensued.

 

Better to toss and keep quiet, ime.

[Dory]

It depends in the person. I will let some people know but most I don't as it would just hurt their feelings.

[Annie G]

I agree that it depends on the person. My sister told me today that she mailed my daughter a Hello Kitty scarf she ordered from Claire's. It was so thoughtful that my sister remembered that dd likes Hello Kitty, but dd is 20 and really collects HK things made in Japan. Truly not trying to sound elitist here- but she doesn't buy every HK thing she sees, but rather has a few special pieces. But I would NEVER tell sis that her gift missed the mark. No way. I'm not going to hurt her unnecessarily.

 

But some people give junk just to have dozens of gifts under a tree- and if that was the case, I'd probably find a gentle way to redirect the gift giving so we weren't bombarded with useless stuff. It would take quite a bit for me to hurt someone's feelings over gift giving. But I've read enough stories on this board to know that some situations warrant it!

[GailV]

Here's the twist at our house -- what if you don't tell the giver that their present missed the mark, and so they assume it was all hunky-dorey, and keep giving you other items in that general line.

 

For example, MIL caught on that I use Clinique, so she started giving me Clinique items ... except I stopped using it years ago, and she continues to randomly give me Clinique items. Not every year, though. I keep thinking, "okay, I'll just quietly give this away, and that's the end of it," then about 3 years later - BAM - there it is again.

 

Another example -- last year SIL gave us a hideous knick knack that she said was super-special because it was made by XYZ and collectable. In a fit of graciousness, I quietly displayed it on an end table when she was over (she lives 3 hours away). Guess what just arrived! Another one of the series! Gack! On the bright side, we've had a good laugh about it, saying that's what I get for displaying the first one.

[Alice]

I would always err on the side of not hurting the person’s feelings. I would only tell someone if they ask me and if I think they are someone that really wants the truth. Even then I’d try and phrase it carefully. I think the trick with gifts is that it’s important to be a good gift-receiver as well as a good giver . The best way to give a gift is to give one that you know the person wants, not something that you want. The best way to receive a gift is to receive it in the way you think they would want it to be received not in the way you would want it to be received. Yes, you might want to know the truth but I think many people are more emotional about gift-giving and get their feelings hurt.

 

I don’t have a problem giving away or tossing things that I don’t want that were given to me, but I don’t make a point of telling the person that they shouldn’t have given it in the first place.

 

As for the insincere thank-yous...are you thankful that they thought about you? That they wanted to make you happy even if they have hideous taste? That’s what the thank-yous are for, not the gift itself.

[Amy in NH]

IMO, the real problem is obligatory gift giving. People often get junk or things that miss the mark because they just don't know what to get, but they have to get something because the receiver is expecting a gift. I think it's kind of stupid for grown adults to get each other things they can just as well purchase themselves year after year. I'll get you your favorite perfume and you get me my favorite box of chocolates; as if you wouldn't have just gone and gotten it yourself if you really needed it. If it is something that is truly an exceptional gift that you know will delight the receiver, and it isn't expected, isn't giving just so much more rewarding than this forced charade?

[Ellie]

It's how it's done.

 

The recipient's job is to graciously accept the gift and thank the giver. Once the recipient owns the gift, he can do with it what he wishes, including giving it away; he should just be discreet.

 

The giver's job is to thoughtfully give a gift. After the gift is given, he should never ask about it again, because it isn't his any longer.

 

Both people have done their jobs. It's all good.

 

Now, if the giver knows the recipient well, he might notice whether his gift has been used or not; if not, he might casually try to find out what happened, and then possibly to modify his gift-giving for the next time.