Question about 3-yr-old's behavior

[sherideane]

My 3.5-yr-old wants to damage things when he's upset about something unrelated. I'm not too worried yet, but I'm unfamiliar with this transference-like trait. (It's not prevalent in other family members.)

For example, it started to snow this morning and he was excited. I told him if enough snow came, we would all play in it later. He told me he wanted to wear his snow boots. About an hour later, we were disappointed to see it was raining again and whatever had begun to stick was melting. He exclaimed that it needed to keep snowing and proceeded to pull a Christmas decoration down off of the door. I told him to stop - he finally did after the third time. Then I explained that I understood he was angry about the snow going away, but that it has nothing to do with the decoration. He didn't seem to be listening.

 

Since he's been doing this a lot lately, I thought I would ask if anyone here knows the best way to respond?

 

If personality matters, he is a very vivacious, busy, loud, sweet, strong-willed, little stuntman. He's the only extrovert in the family (poor guy).

 

Thanks!

[MomatHWTK]

Training- when he is not upset, talk about upsetting situations and how to verbalize or act out the frustration without physically tearing at things. Keep the discussion calm and loving. Acknowledge that he doesn't know how to get the strong feelings out and teach him techniques for doing so. You might suggest that he hug himself really tight when he feels like grabbing at things. Or set up a "safe place." Put a special pillow on his bed and make that his punch/hug pillow for when he's upset.

 

HTH

[LMD]

I don't know, but I have a 2 year old like this, very similar personality to what you describe Mine gets upset and lashes out - neither of my other children ever did this. He'll start crying and take himself off to his room to sweep everything off the dresser & drag his bedding onto the floor.

 

The only thing I've found that works is to nip it in the bud before he lashes out and redirect it. In my DS's case he is incredibly frustrated, likes to feel 'heard' and wants attention. If I can catch him before he lashes out & get him to make eye contact and tell me what he wants it makes a difference. Note - it doesn't mean he'll get what he wants, often it's incoherent toddler babble!

 

Oh, and to keep his room free of breakables!

 

I hope that when he's a little older I'll be able to talk him around some more, but when he's angry like that it is like a switch flips and he can't/won't hear you - that is why the eye contact part is a must! If he's too far gone (like if he's over tired) then he needs some by himself time.

[Kathryn]

Both of mine are like this, as is their father. What pp said works best, and realizing that I need to be on his level interacting when the disappointing news is given if I have any hope of heading it off, not distractedly delivering the news while I do something else.

[dirty ethel rackham]

My middle son was like this only his target was his older brother. If he was building something with Duplos and it broke, he would seek out his older brother and start wailing on him. I had to instruct my older son that "when he sees that train coming, he should get off the tracks" meaning he needed to get out of the way and not simply wait for me to rescue him (I wasn't always fast enough.) Both he and I learned what the warning signs were and we got better at heading them off. I became much more vigilant about watching for those warning signs and worked on redirecting, teaching him self-control, deep breathing, etc. before he lost it completely.

 

What pp said works best, and realizing that I need to be on his level interacting when the disappointing news is given if I have any hope of heading it off, not distractedly delivering the news while I do something else.

 

OP, I would not have waited for him to comply after I told him to stop. I would have gone over there and removed him from the situation. Instructions always followed by action.

[Joshin]

I was that kid. My mom had a box of plastic dominoes she would give me just so I could throw them in my room when I threw a fit. Something about the loud noise they made comforted me, I guess! When I was older (school age) I would often beat the cr#p out of my pillow when I was mad. I can't remember if I was taught that or if I just did it on my own. I eventually grew up and am pretty mild mannered now, so the anger/tantrums didn't last.

 

DS7 was the exact same way until he was about 5. He liked to throw books though. He doesn't throw fits like that anymore, although if he is really mad or frustrated he will still slam a door.

[Reya]

I would fall on that like a ton of bricks. It turns into hurting people when they're angry later if you don't. Swift consequences, and whatever they were disappointed about goes away for a LONG while. For example, if he pulled that, he'd have to sit inside all the next snow day.

[reign]

My middle daughter did that. She is 4.5 now and has stopped. She is still more likely than her sister to make a loud grunt of anger or scream.She knows that if she is angry she needs to calm down and not take it out on other people/things.

[Incognito]

I have a child like that - it's mellowing with age. I find this bold and strong-feeling child needs extra hugs and comfort with upsets. If I am right there with that, it becomes the go-to thing to do, instead of destruction or assault. I will also remind verbally about how to react when upset if I see something is going to be big... e.g. "You seem upset. Would you like to talk about it/snuggle/sit and calm down" or "Even when you are upset, you must control your hands".

[Joanne]

I would be on the lookout for additional markers for special needs.

 

In the meantime, I would not only coach, but find safe ways for him to use/diffuse that energy. The energy to destruct is real, and it needs to go somehwere. A punching bag, playdoh, etc.

[sherideane]

Thank you, all! Your posts are helpful and reassuring. I respond a lot of those ways and I'm happy to hear that many of your children are growing out of it. My intuition is that it's a personality thing... not that that makes it "okay", of course, but I feel a little better now, since it's not something I'd ever seen before.

 

By the way, I've been reading this great book (for DS8, actually) titled, "The Motivation Breakthrough". I just found out that "Aggression" is one of 8, main "motivational types". It definitely made me think of my 3-yr-old.

[Tammi K]

I told him to stop - he finally did after the third time.

 

Gently said,I think this might be part of the problem.

 

He's learning that he can get a reaction from you if he continues to be destructive. Perhaps, if three times is two times more than you allow, he will begin to see that destruction isn't moving him in a positive direction.

[sherideane]

That is a good point. I would agree if my response in this situation was the norm but this was just one of a few different approaches I've been trying.

[Farrar]

It seems pretty normal. I agree with others about not asking over and over to do things. This was the age at which I was still kind of putting words in my kids' mouths to try to help them learn to express things. So, when it was obvious that they were angry about something, but transferring it to something else, I'd try to tease that out and then we'd practice expressing it, "I'm really mad about the snow!" This really worked on one kid, who is now my great navel gazer and very cued into emotions and why he feels upset when he's upset. Not so great for my other kid, but I don't feel like it was wasted time.

[Dory]

I had siblings like this and my youngest is like this. It is NOT ok because it easily turns into blaming others for your problems or hurting others in a moment of anger.

In the moment my ds isn't always able to listen to reason. He is sent to his room until he calms down and then him and I will talk about it. Some people have told me it's not fair for me to send him to his room for how he feels but he needs that alone time to control himself. As he's gotten older he hasn't needed to be sent there every time, he's learned how to take a deep breath and settle down. In the summer he'll often go jump on the trampoline when he's feeling intense. I have given him a whiffle bat and he has a hay bale he is allowed to beat on. Physical outlets that are allowed help immensely. A variety of tools for him to use are important as he will come across a variety of different scenarios in life that will frustrate or anger him and he will need a way to control his emotion.

[Aspasia]

Oy. My 2.5 yo is just like this. In fact, we just had an "episode" tonight. DH and I watched as this kid ran-stomped back and forth between two bedrooms, screaming and occasionally picking something up to throw it (where I obviously stepped in and confiscated it before the throw--I've seen this stunt before). We don't normally just sit and watch, but we were so tired and I think we were just amazed by it. I mean, it is absolutely, amazingly ridiculous.

 

DS usually does this when he's really tired (though it can definitely strike at any time), and I just feel bad for the kid. He's so completely unable to regulate his emotions that it's just sad. With dd, I just ignored her tantrums and let them run their course, but with ds, I learned early on that an ignored tantrum went on indefinitely (I'm talking like, 30+ minutes). He needs me to actually step in and help him calm down. For him, that means getting physical. He needs to be held and calmed down. He usually fights it (ferociously) at first, but then he calms down and wants to be held for awhile. It really is so sad. And so frustrating for me!

 

Really good advice on this thread. I'm going to make sure I deliver bad news while making eye contact from now on. That sounds like it might work for us.