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Article: "I Am Adam Lanza's Mother"


sassenach
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I didn't read all the responses because I'm 100% sure I'm in the minority. I have donned my flame suit.

 

I couldn't read the article because the very title of it is revolting (I did read somewhere that the title was changed).

 

Adam Lanza's poor mother is dead.

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People simply don't think.

 

I wonder if Ms Long has considered the more 'global' consequences of her latest piece of writing: that someone may look at her son, believe him to be another 'massacre maker' lying in wait, and decide to 'nip the problem in the bud'.

 

Or maybe she has considered that. Who knows.

 

 

a

 

Yeah, I keep thinking about this poor kid trying to apply to college.

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I believe there's a personal problem between the two posters, Klmama, and it rears it's ugly head up frequently. I have no idea who/what/when it began, but it's fairly clear to see because it happens quite a bit, imo. Things become very personal with topics like this, and it's tough and frustrating for us all.

 

 

Considering I didn't post on this board for nearly a year...and I am the one being quoted and called untrue things and told to basically go away...

 

I vote for it didn't start with me. :D

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Considering I didn't post on this board for nearly a year...and I am the one being quoted and called untrue things and told to basically go away...

 

I vote for it didn't start with me. :D

 

Yeah... I had to just flat out leave for a long time. I found myself getting entirely too wound up over some of the behaviors when I wasn't even writing anything, LOL.

 

 

A

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The negativity about the Long blog and other mothers that I speak of are not isolated to this thread and not isolated to Unsinkable. The thing I am trying to make clear is that these moms need nelp and support but instead are judged, criticized, blanketed in negativity, shunned, blamed, etc. I am so glad the media and medical community are finally realizing how wrong this is and how these moms need help.

 

Some moms have nothing at all. Some moms only have internet support. My best resource ever in getting help for my dd IS the internet. We would not be where we are today without ut.

 

I agree that she deserves sympathy and support. I do not think she had to compromise her child's privacy though. There are ways of getting your story out and getting support without compromising a child's privacy who will now be forever known as psychotic:( It may be sure that this child will have problems the rest of his life but what if there is a chance he can overcome it?

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Considering I didn't post on this board for nearly a year...and I am the one being quoted and called untrue things and told to basically go away...

 

 

 

I vote for it didn't start with me. :D

 

 

Actually, it did. You started it waaaaay back on page one when you said there are threads jere, or many threads, where people should blame parents for ANYTHING. I pointed out that was untrue.

 

I also said if you had an issue with me we should settle it privately, like adults should, but you said you would not subject yourself to name calling and I wasn't the forum police. whatever.

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While I do think that she shouldn't have written everything she thought, she did say in the Erin Burnett interview I saw last night, not the edited one I posted earlier, that she didn't think her real name would be found out. I haven't been to her site. She said she tried to keep it fairly anonymous, but she had one thing that was linked to something else that had her real name, so her real name could easily be discovered after a few clicks. She really didn't think anyone would read her blog. (At least that's what she said toward the end of the interview)

 

Maybe some of what she wrote was more for a private blog, so she could have a place to vent, but still keep things relatively private. I do hope, now that she's public, she becomes an advocate for struggling mothers. I think we can all agree that mothers and families of the mentally ill need an advocate and as much support as they can get. She seems strong and vocal and hopefully will make a great advocate for getting kids help and families the support they need.

 

 

I can see this but she posted his picture:( I always assume anything you post can be there for the world to see.

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Actually, it did. You started it waaaaay back on page one when you said there are threads jere, or many threads, where people should blame parents for ANYTHING. I pointed out that was untrue.

 

I also said if you had an issue with me we should settle it privately, like adults should, but you said you would not subject yourself to name calling and I wasn't the forum police. whatever.

 

 

(((Denise))),

 

That was a different thread and your posts were deleted because they were inappropriate.

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I agree that she deserves sympathy and support. I do not think she had to compromise her child's privacy though. There are ways of getting your story out and getting support without compromising a child's privacy who will now be forever known as psychotic:( It may be sure that this child will have problems the rest of his life but what if there is a chance he can overcome it?

 

Lets nit forget that his mom said he knew about her postings nd he was ok with it, stating that he hopes it will help other people.

 

This is similar to my dd and I. i have all my posts about her and all the replies saved in a file. i am hoping to show her how far we've come. We've been in a good place for 9 months and counting (something most RAD families never see) but I admittedly fear the teen years with her.

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The perils of mommy blogging...and sharing on the Internet in general. People can always go back and re-read what is written forever.

 

It's too bad the children don't have any say in what their parents put out there because it is permanent.

 

 

This is something I worry about so much that it results in my not sharing information which probably could be helpful or comforting to others. I'll leave it at I have a lot of real world experience in dealing with severely mentally ill relatives. I truly understand the post about hoping the mentally ill people you take care of predecease you; I worry about who will protect the relatives we care for after my husband and I die.

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This is something I worry about so much that it results in my not sharing information which probably could be helpful or comforting to others.

 

 

 

I think that is true for many people- they are so afraid of anything or anyone violating their privacy so they don't share. I find it sad because I think everyone has so much wisdom to share, in different ways. I do think there is a balance, but I don't hold anything against those who share a lot. I'm reading a book right now by a really famous blogger and she CONSTANTLY talks about her v@gina, a lot of bloggers talk about their sex life in detail, they strip down practically naked and post pictures of themselves, etc. Now that I find a bit much. But I find it sad that people don't share out of fear, the internet can be such a wonderful tool.

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I'm just surprised by all the things women can manage to say about their v*ginas! I just read almost an entire chapter on what can be done with...nevermind. :p

 

Are we turning this into a v *g!na thread? Because I have VAST amounts of PERSONAL experience with my own v g!na. I hope that personal experience is enough for me to be allowed to participate.

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Are we turning this into a v *g!na thread? Because I have VAST amounts of PERSONAL experience with my own v g!na. I hope that personal experience is enough for me to be allowed to participate.

 

Sure...but it'd be a little awkward if it were just you and me posting about it. I'll wait until others join in (and then I'll probably just lurk) LOLOL!

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I think that is true for many people- they are so afraid of anything or anyone violating their privacy so they don't share. I find it sad because I think everyone has so much wisdom to share, in different ways. I do think there is a balance, but I don't hold anything against those who share a lot. I'm reading a book right now by a really famous blogger and she CONSTANTLY talks about her v@gina, a lot of bloggers talk about their sex life in detail, they strip down practically naked and post pictures of themselves, etc. Now that I find a bit much. But I find it sad that people don't share out of fear, the internet can be such a wonderful tool.

 

It is one thing to share personal information about yourself (general yourself) and a whole 'nother ball 'o wax to divulge negative details about your (general your) children, spouse, family, friends, coworkers, etc.

 

I am glad there are people who are willing to share personal information; otherwise, this board would have much less traffic than it does.

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It is one thing to share personal information about yourself (general yourself) and a whole 'nother ball 'o wax to divulge negative details about your (general your) children, spouse, family, friends, coworkers, etc.

 

I am glad there are people who are willing to share personal information; otherwise, this board would have much less traffic than it does.

a LOT of people have been helped by a LOT of other people on this board through the years, much of it through the personal sharing. More than one person has said this board has been life changing for them. It is a good thing.

 

I wonder if the sharing is a personality thing. Some people are just more comfortable being private and others like to connect through sharing, even

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I think that is true for many people- they are so afraid of anything or anyone violating their privacy so they don't share. I find it sad because I think everyone has so much wisdom to share, in different ways. I do think there is a balance, but I don't hold anything against those who share a lot. I'm reading a book right now by a really famous blogger and she CONSTANTLY talks about her v@gina, a lot of bloggers talk about their sex life in detail, they strip down practically naked and post pictures of themselves, etc. Now that I find a bit much. But I find it sad that people don't share out of fear, the internet can be such a wonderful tool.

I also feel sad for those who are held back due to fear, and I have spoken to quite a few off line. Their sharing really could help and encourage others. Sadly, many are not willing to face the harshness that would likely come.

 

As for everything else.........

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I also feel sad for those who are held back due to fear, and I have spoken to quite a few off line. Their sharing really could help and encourage others. Sadly, many are not willing to face the harshness that would likely come.

 

As for everything else.........

 

I do not hold back out of fear of criticism but out of respect for others' privacy. Yes, I think you are right that it is personality-driven. My entire family is rather private and reserved.

 

I hold no illusions about internet privacy. Even with being reserved on internet, it would take only a little bit of amateur sleuthing to make the connection.

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Even most of what is said about personal struggles is pretty generic. "I'm having trouble with _________", "My child is rebellious", are pretty vague things that people say in posts. Even if you give specific examples, most conversations and struggles that we have with our children are copies of what are played out in many many other homes. The good thing about people who speak out in the more uncommon areas (like RAD or schizophrenia or whatever category someone might be talking about) is that they find out that they actually are not that unusual within that demographic of people with that struggle. But because these are areas that are not often talked about, people feel like they are alone and are an anomaly when that is actually far from the truth. And that is why some brave people are speaking up so that others will know that they are not alone and they are not that unusual.

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I do not hold back out of fear of criticism but out of respect for others' privacy. Yes, I think you are right that it is personality-driven. My entire family is rather private and reserved.

 

I hold no illusions about internet privacy. Even with being reserved on internet, it would take only a little bit of amateur sleuthing to make the connection.

 

 

About... 5? years ago we had a poster who was very free with their information. This was at the height of the Iraqi conflict, and this poster's family had not only an intimate connection to the military, but in a sensitive area.

 

In approximately 5 minutes, I was able to obtain photos of all the children, the family vehicle, determine the schedule of the children's activities, narrow down the area in which the family lived and therefore where the children's activities would be taking place... it was appalling in my opinion. I mean, someone with ill intent could have easily gone to one of these activities, ID'd the vehicle and child, and followed it back to this person's home.

 

I wrote to the poster and gently said "um, I was able to find out all of these things in a cursory 5 minute google search. Considering your family's situation, you may wish to reconsider the information you have on the web."

 

I received an absolutely FURIOUS reply essentially 'putting me in my place', accusing ME of being a stalker weirdo and telling me that no one in the family had any problems with what she posted. I did happen to notice, however, that a few of months later, all of it was gone...

 

 

a

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Even most of what is said about personal struggles is pretty generic. "I'm having trouble with _________", "My child is rebellious", are pretty vague things that people say in posts. Even if you give specific examples, most conversations and struggles that we have with our children are copies of what are played out in many many other homes. The good thing about people who speak out in the more uncommon areas (like RAD or schizophrenia or whatever category someone might be talking about) is that they find out that they actually are not that unusual within that demographic of people with that struggle. But because these are areas that are not often talked about, people feel like they are alone and are an anomaly when that is actually far from the truth. And that is why some brave people are speaking up so that others will know that they are not alone and they are not that unusual.

 

 

Thank you for saying this. I really, REALLY wish I could hug you right now IRL.

 

I watched my mother live in shame due to her son's mental illness. I lived with the "hush, hush, what will the neighbors think" mentality. I watched my grandmother and mother live in shame. I was left to fend for myself while my parents tended to my mentally ill siblings.

 

Why? People don't want to HEAR about mental illness.

 

People want to BLAME THE PARENTS. It is easier.

 

 

Mental illness has carried a heavy load, one too heavy for sufferers and their loved ones/caretakers to carry alone. If we can not see this after the CT tragdey, we never will. I find it COMPLETELY unacceptable that speaking of physical ailments are ok but mental ones? They make too many uncomfortable. Why? Because people are too weak to handle hearing about it, or they are afraid, or they are scared, or they are SCARRED, or they are too inhibited, or it makes them uncomfortable, or, OR, OR.

 

There are the few who publicly shun this public sharing. There are many who appreciate and support it publicly. There are SO many too scared to speak out publicly, partially because they have witnessed the ugliness I have experienced for all of you to see. The private conversations I have shared with others suffering are a big part of the reason that I will keep on doing what I never intended to do.

 

The original reason for this thread was referencing a totally stressed out mom crying out for help. A mom who was alone and suffering the burden of raising a disturbed, mentally ill child she was terrified of. In the end, the thread was turned into a joke. Somewhere inbetween it was turned into a personal attack on yet another mother suffering from heartache of raising a mentally ill child.

 

I hope the professionals and the media keeep educating people in the issue of mental illness. I hope the research continues. I hope there will be more support for those in need. But most of all I hope people who want to strike out negatively against those who are suffering will learn just how selfish and destructive they are. Those living the mental illness hell they never dreamed they would certainly need SUPPORT and HELP and ENCOURAGEMENT and nothing less.

 

Everyone cqn help, few will.

 

But I do realize some are not capable of rising above themselves. Even in the midst of such a tragedy. I pity those people. And I am heartbroken for the hurting moms who suffer because of those people.

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About... 5? years ago we had a poster who was very free with their information. This was at the height of the Iraqi conflict, and this poster's family had not only an intimate connection to the military, but in a sensitive area.

 

In approximately 5 minutes, I was able to obtain photos of all the children, the family vehicle, determine the schedule of the children's activities, narrow down the area in which the family lived and therefore where the children's activities would be taking place... it was appalling in my opinion. I mean, someone with ill intent could have easily gone to one of these activities, ID'd the vehicle and child, and followed it back to this person's home.

 

I wrote to the poster and gently said "um, I was able to find out all of these things in a cursory 5 minute google search. Considering your family's situation, you may wish to reconsider the information you have on the web."

 

I received an absolutely FURIOUS reply essentially 'putting me in my place', accusing ME of being a stalker weirdo and telling me that no one in the family had any problems with what she posted. I did happen to notice, however, that a few of months later, all of it was gone...

 

 

a

 

 

It is OK if you don't want to share any personal details about your life.

 

It is also OK if others do.

 

But I do believe our military personnel in sensitive areas deserve better protection.

 

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Thank you for saying this. I really, REALLY wish I could hug you right now IRL.

 

I watched my mother live in shame due to her son's mental illness. I lived with the "hush, hush, what will the neighbors think" mentality. I watched my grandmother and mother live in shame. I was left to fend for myself while my parents tended to my mentally ill siblings.

 

Why? People don't want to HEAR about mental illness.

 

People want to BLAME THE PARENTS. It is easier.

 

 

Mental illness has carried a heavy load, one too heavy for sufferers and their loved ones/caretakers to carry alone. If we can not see this after the CT tragdey, we never will. I find it COMPLETELY unacceptable that speaking of physical ailments are ok but mental ones? They make too many uncomfortable. Why? Because people are too weak to handle hearing about it, or they are afraid, or they are scared, or they are SCARRED, or they are too inhibited, or it makes them uncomfortable, or, OR, OR.

 

There are the few who publicly shun this public sharing. There are many who appreciate and support it publicly. There are SO many too scared to speak out publicly, partially because they have witnessed the ugliness I have experienced for all of you to see. The private conversations I have shared with others suffering are a big part of the reason that I will keep on doing what I never intended to do.

 

The original reason for this thread was referencing a totally stressed out mom crying out for help. A mom who was alone and suffering the burden of raising a disturbed, mentally ill child she was terrified of. In the end, the thread was turned into a joke. Somewhere inbetween it was turned into a personal attack on yet another mother suffering from heartache of raising a mentally ill child.

 

I hope the professionals and the media keeep educating people in the issue of mental illness. I hope the research continues. I hope there will be more support for those in need. But most of all I hope people who want to strike out negatively against those who are suffering will learn just how selfish and destructive they are. Those living the mental illness hell they never dreamed they would certainly need SUPPORT and HELP and ENCOURAGEMENT and nothing less.

 

Everyone cqn help, few will.

 

But I do realize some are not capable of rising above themselves. Even in the midst of such a tragedy. I pity those people. And I am heartbroken for the hurting moms who suffer because of those people.

 

 

I guess I am in the minority here - I don't see that the original article was that at all. If it was, the blogger would have kept the initial title ("Thinking the Unthinkable") and would not have submitted it for publication under the 'newsworthy' title "I am Adam Lanza's Mother" that prompted it to get picked up by dang near every blog and news site around.

 

Her son has problems. It appears that his mother is one of them.

 

 

a

Edited by Moderator
Edited by keep discussion on track
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Denise, I'm sorry you thought that was a personal attack or me just being uncomfortable with those statements themselves. Neither were the reason for my post. It was just an illustration of how visible everyone's statements are. I didn't go seek out any posts to copy down what you have written. Those are just things I remember from your posts since I have been here. I remember other things too of course, about you and others, but those aren't relevant to the discussion. I remember that a certain poster here has been concerned about her stepson and his girlfriend/fiance. Another poster has daughters the same age as one of mine, and has had trouble with the school they attend. There's also a mother with many questions about her daughter's pregnancy, and a poster with crazy MIL issues (actually a few posters fit that description), and so on. That's just what's in my head from reading here. There's a whole world of posts I've never read or since forgotten sitting online here and on blogs and on Facebook and all over the internet. I also have information I've shared and written floating around.

 

Another poster mentioned applying to college. Colleges are already checking for information on Facebook and the internet in general when they're making choices for admission. It's something that a lot of mommy-bloggers probably didn't think about when they started documenting their child's first steps and potty training temper tantrums. And while that kind of sharing might embarrass a kid, it doesn't have the same long-term implications as what the author of this article has shared, or some of the things I've seen shared here. I get that moms want and truly need some kind of support system that can be difficult to build in the real world. Believe me, I get that. Sometimes that support system comes with a level of sharing that, yes, I am uncomfortable with. If other parents are comfortable exposing that much information about someone else to the entire world forever in exchange for that support, that is still their right. I do have the right to point it out in case others don't realize it, don't I? Others also have the right to point out that many people get that support while withholding the most easily identifiable information like names, locations, ages and photos, don't they?

 

These are important conversations to have. I have had many adopted friends and relatives without RAD, and I've even asked here before if its prevalence today is more a matter of identification or an increase in factors that contribute to it. That is good information to have. Someone asked on (this, another?) thread how anyone could get through life without being exposed to serious mental illness. While I have foolish and ridiculous relatives, I don't have anyone in my large, expansive family tree with anything beyond brief episodes of depression. If that was my only world, I could know nothing about mental illness. I think these are important conversations. I think it's fine for anyone who wants to put their own face out there to expose other people to these struggles. I do question putting someone else's face out there for the same reason. The point has been made now though, so if people feel that adding to these conversations and sharing their struggles has a greater benefit than the risk of this information damaging their child now or at some point in the future, I'm certain they are making that as a conscious, carefully weighed decision. I'm not judging people for having these experiences or feeling that they need support to get through them.

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