How do you handle refusal to do work?

[ziggyplaid]

My 8 year old daughter has started resisting all things school-related. It is very frustrating! She gets frustrated with most of our work and just refuses to do it. I have tried offering rewards for finishing by a certain time; I have tried reducing the amount of work; I have tried being firm and giving severe consequences- nothing has worked- we are still struggling every day. It is affecting everyone's school day and is a major disruption. I don't know what to do. I have looked at our work and she is very able to do all of it- I don't think it is too hard.

 

I think part of it is stress (our family has been through a couple of huge life changes lately and I know it is affecting her) but she still has to do her work- I know she is having a hard time but I can't just skip the third grade you know?

 

Any advice or anyone who has been there??

[Parrothead]

Around here refusing to do work means I refuse to allow fun things. No dance, drama, guitar, friends, electronics, etc until the work is done. This does not mean that she sits at the table all day staring at papers.

[idnib]

--Tell her once, make sure she hears you, walk away. Don't beg or cajole, it only increases her lack of respect for you. Don't say "if you do this you'll get this" or "if you don't do this consequence blah blah."

--When it's time for something fun later, she doesn't get to participate if she hasn't done the task. Make sure she knows why.

--She will cry and apologize. If you're used to giving her what she wants after she apologizes, prepare yourself.

--Accept her apology, thank her kindly, hug her, etc.

--Stick to your guns about her not getting the fun thing. She will realize that she can't act like she wants, apologize, and everything is okay.

--She will learn to think of the consequences before deciding to not listen.

 

You are doing her the favor of causing her to think ahead about the resuts of her actions.

 

Thsi is hard at first but if you stick to your guns and don't back down she'll get it.

[ErinE]

My son went through this at the same age. Nothing worked: taking away electronics/tv, fun activities, and friends were non-starters. He would play with his toys or read books. We finally had to have a sandwich conversation: here's some nice comments, here's the tough love, finish with the nice again. This is what worked for DS.

 

Dh and I sat him down and talked with him in an open and non-confrontational manner. We talked about how much we enjoy having DS home and schooling with him. Then we said we noticed he wasn't doing his work. We let him list any reasons he had for not completing his work which were generally a shrug and "I don't know." We asked him what we could do to help him finish. Again, shrug and "I don't know." Then, we told him that our job was to make sure he was educated and we were doing our best to give him the tools to learn. We would continue to help and anytime he needed assistance, he should never hesitate to ask.

 

But... if he wasn't doing his work, then we couldn't do our job; we were failing him. So we were going to make sure his work was completed. If he refused to complete school, everything would be taken away: books, toys, electronics, etc. It was all put in boxes and bins; total, it was five boxes. Once his room was cleared, I wouldn't discuss school anymore that day and I wouldn't continue fighting. On the next day, if he opted to complete his work, he could pick one bin to put back in his room. Completing his work also earned him play time with friends, regardless of the number of bins still under restriction. After earning bins, refusal to do his work would lead to losing everything again.

 

We ended the discussion reiterating our love and care. We emphasized that we didn't want to go this route, but nothing else was working. If he had any ideas for improving his school, we were available to listen and discuss.

 

During school, I didn't argue with him. If he began complaining or refused to do work, I gave him one warning that he would lose his bins if he didn't do his work and then I followed through. I never mentioned the bins without provocation, meaning I didn't start school saying, "Make sure you do your work or you'll lose your bins." I never nagged and I didn't argue. If he came to me and asked to do school after losing bins, I would work with him without discussing the prior behavior.

 

He had a checklist of everything to complete daily so he knew when his school day was done. He had no surprises or unknown tasks.

 

He would still go to things like cub scouts or sports, and I made sure we took a walk together every day. On our walks, we would have nice talks, but not discuss school. When we got home, I would say, "Let's do some schoolwork" in a neutral tone. If he refused and had already lost all his bins, I would let it drop.

 

I want to emphasize, we kept things open and non-confrontational during the entire period. We talked with him constantly, did things with him, and didn't discuss the bins outside of school. When DH came home, he didn't ask if DS had completed school; yet when DS volunteered he had earned a bin, DH praised DS.

 

It took a few weeks, but he quickly grew bored with doing nothing all day long and settled into his school work. We used this once and never had to again. The bin-method was dropped after a few weeks of completing work consistently.

[Ellie]

It would be helpful if we knew what kinds of things she has to do. :-)

[Hen]

I do what Parrothead does, if my kids do not do their work, or give me too much resistance about it then they do not do the fun stuff, such as Barnes&Nobles or frozen yogurt. I would make sure to schedule some fun stuff just to make my point.

[Tess in the Burbs]

We have a pirate flag hanging that says, "The beatings will continue until moral improves". LOL Kidding, we don't beat them, but they know that a positive attitude is a must when walking into the school room.

 

But honestly, my son has said no recently to school and chores. Just a loud NO and I just laugh and explain that we all have a place in life and his is currently learning things. Educational and life things. I give the assignments and he does it on his own time. Some days a snack break is needed. Other days he just needs to change his attitude. But I have no issue taking away his most prized toy/activity at the time and stick with the words I say. And reminding them that you don't wanna feed them every day often reminds them that we all have things we don't want to do, but have to, and we should choose to do it happily :-)

[Alte Veste Academy]

We have a pirate flag hanging that says, "The beatings will continue until moral improves". LOL

 

:lol: That reminds me of the skeleton in a cage Halloween decoration I really wanted to buy for the schoolroom this year. I told the kids we could put a sign on it, something along the lines of "The Last Pupil Who Refused to Work." The kids thought it was funny, yet interestingly declined my offer to purchase it... :tongue_smilie:

 

Responsibilities first. Fun follows. However, I do agree with Ellie somewhat. What you are using and whether or not it is a fit matters. We do a lot, but we have fun. It is helpful to find enjoyable material so that you don't constantly have to push, pull, and otherwise cajole. Takes a lot out of both teacher and student, joy in learning most of all.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Eight years old? Maybe she just needs you to sit with her while she works. You could listen to her and encourage her. You've been through huge life changes and you've tried severe consequences on her...maybe you could focus on lightening up the atmosphere a bit? She might be stressed out.

[Plateau Mama]

With my son it is do your work or do chores. If you aren't going to get educated you at least need janitorial skills. If your school work isn't done you don't get to do anything but chores. At 8 he did a lot of chores at 9 he did even more chores, now at 10 he doesn't have to do chores very often. (And the chores weren't the "fun" ones like dusting or windows. They were the hard labor, mop floors with a rag, clean bathtubs, etc.)

[LucyStoner]

If you are expecting a lot of independent work she may just need more hands on time. It isn't ideal but I needed/still need to sit with my 8-9 year old. Frankly he was better at working more alone when he was 6 and 7. Also curriculum matters. My son will do Problemoids, Challenge Math, practice sets I write out of many books and Beast Academy without complaint. Try to use Singapore and he now acts like I am waterboarding him. He only works out of it 1 day a week now and is much happier.

 

If those sorts of things are not an issue, I second the work before fun as a hard rule. My son has to finish his work for the day (from a checklist) before he is able to do any computer or video stuff. If he chooses to read all day instead, he has to catch up his work before he is allowed the computer.

[redsquirrel]

Eight sucks. Third grade sucks. Third grade almost killed me last time around. My younger son is about to turn 8, but because his birthday is in January, I consider him to be a second grader. It is still sucking.

 

Lots of deep breaths. Yes to lots of sitting with the child and helping then through every little bit. They advance towards independence and retreat, advance and retreat. You have to meet them where they are.

 

I learned last time that our school days had to get VERY regular. We always did math first etc. It was always first thing in the morning and that was all that was every scheduled for our weekdays. Most of my kids fun activities aren't the sort of thing that I can skip, so that was out of the question. Music lessons are, for us, part of school so the lesson can't be skipped. We have a commitment to the dance school to attend classes, if he is in a play then there is a commitment to the rehearsals etc. I have found that a white board with a list of the days subjects is very helpful. When we finish math he gets to wipe it off. When it is all wiped off then he is done for the day. That visual feedback is very important for this age. Otherwise, they start to get anxious that school will never end.

 

So, mostly I make sure that our daytime is for school. If it is going to take 6 hours to get through 2 hours of instruction then so be it. I have nothing better to do but those lessons so that is what we are doing. And, I am constantly repeating the mantra "If you would just stop fighting with me, you would be done by now".

[ziggyplaid]

Thank you so much for the ideas! These are great!

[Aurelia]

--Tell her once, make sure she hears you, walk away. Don't beg or cajole, it only increases her lack of respect for you. Don't say "if you do this you'll get this" or "if you don't do this consequence blah blah."

--When it's time for something fun later, she doesn't get to participate if she hasn't done the task. Make sure she knows why.

--She will cry and apologize. If you're used to giving her what she wants after she apologizes, prepare yourself.

--Accept her apology, thank her kindly, hug her, etc.

--Stick to your guns about her not getting the fun thing. She will realize that she can't act like she wants, apologize, and everything is okay.

--She will learn to think of the consequences before deciding to not listen.

 

You are doing her the favor of causing her to think ahead about the resuts of her actions.

 

Thsi is hard at first but if you stick to your guns and don't back down she'll get it.

 

 

 

:iagree: Totally. This is just about the only thing DD responds to.

[redsquirrel]

--Tell her once, make sure she hears you, walk away. Don't beg or cajole, it only increases her lack of respect for you. Don't say "if you do this you'll get this" or "if you don't do this consequence blah blah."

--When it's time for something fun later, she doesn't get to participate if she hasn't done the task. Make sure she knows why.

--She will cry and apologize. If you're used to giving her what she wants after she apologizes, prepare yourself.

--Accept her apology, thank her kindly, hug her, etc.

--Stick to your guns about her not getting the fun thing. She will realize that she can't act like she wants, apologize, and everything is okay.

--She will learn to think of the consequences before deciding to not listen.

 

You are doing her the favor of causing her to think ahead about the resuts of her actions.

 

Thsi is hard at first but if you stick to your guns and don't back down she'll get it.

 

I did do this to some extent with my older son and now with my younger, but with both boys it had (has) to be something very close. If it is something later in the week then it just didn't have the desired results. For my younger son that would be taking away his ipod for the afternoon. If I get more removed than that, he just doesn't make the connection.

 

For all the horrible-ness that was third grade with my older boy, he is now a delightful almost 13 year old. He is easy to teach and very academically oriented. So, part of me feels like this is just a stage with my younger son and I don't have to be in a panic about it. Once I hit 5th grade with my older boy things got so much easier. I am hoping the same is true with my younger.

[laundrycrisis]

With both of ours, at a certain point I have had to tell each kid, "you will sit there until it is done." And I mean it, and that is exactly what happens. I get myself a coffee and park my rear in the chair next to the kid and wait it out. I'm at the ready to help the whole time, and I'm not going anywhere, and neither is he, as long as I breathe. I remind him that if he wants to try to outlast me, he won't win, he won't get out of the work, he won't be successful at trying to do anything other than stare at the walls, and he's only wasting his own time, so he may as well get it done.

[PeterPan]

Well when my dd was young (like 7 and under) it was a discipline issue. If she didn't want to work, no problem, go to your room. And if dh (your father) finds you there, you answer to him. As she got older, bucking work usually indicated a breakdown in communication, that something was not going right. She wasn't necessarily really good at putting into words, but that didn't mean the problem didn't exist. So at some point you switch over from calling it a discipline issue to figuring out *why* it's happening. If it's persistent and consistent, I'd say it's a dynamic thing or to look for a reason. If it's occasional, it's more discipline. Just my two cents.

 

And nowadays, when she's having an I don't want to work day, no problem, she cleans. You don't want to do your school work, I give you other work. Unfortunately, she LIKES cleaning the kitchen, etc., so it doesn't help, lol. Again though, with her there's usually a reason. (She's worn out from working super-hard the day before, she stayed up late typing and didn't tell me, she forgot to..., etc.). Oh, and if dh comes home and she had a cleaning day, guess who gets the stern look and gets told to go hit her list. ;) So what I can't accomplish on my own, he becomes the final arbitrator of. The list still stands, even if she has an off day. So if she has an off day and doesn't do her list today, no skin off my hyde. Just means she's gonna have to double up tomorrow to get it done to be able to go to xyz thing *she* wants to do. It's just real logical consequences, nothing personal, no muss no fuss. But now she's old enough to have things she wants to do and to realize she WON'T be going if they're not done.

[Reya]

Don't work? Don't eat. "After you do X, you will get lunch." She'll get hungry enough!

[redsquirrel]

Don't work? Don't eat. "After you do X, you will get lunch." She'll get hungry enough!

 

 

You would withhold food from a child? We as a society don't allow that to be done to prisoners or animals. Why would it be ok to do to a child who is dependent upon you for their very life?

 

That is disturbing on several levels. On the first, if you think it is inappropriate to use food as a reward, then in is equally inappropriate ti withhold food as a punishment. You have set the stage for all kinds of questionable associations between behaviour and food.

 

On the second. it is important that all consequences can be carried out to their logical conclusions. If I tell my child that if he doesn't do his work then he will go to his room and stay there until he agrees to do it with a good attitude then I had better be prepared to live with that. If we had a plan to go to the playground and meet friends, I should only threaten to withhold that activity if I am willing to not go to the playground, no matter how much it upsets my day. So, if I threaten to withhold food unless a task has been done then I had better be willing to see that through to the fullest extent. In other words, by threatening to withhold food you are threatening to starve your child to death unless they comply. That is an empty threat because (I hope) you wouldn't actually do it. There are many children who would attempt to call a parent on such a power play. I happen to have two of them. Empty threats undermine your authority.

 

 

I think there are many more effective parenting techniques one can try before such threats, empty or real.

[mama2cntrykids]

Around here refusing to do work means I refuse to allow fun things. No dance, drama, guitar, friends, electronics, etc until the work is done. This does not mean that she sits at the table all day staring at papers.

 

As to the bolded statement, what do you have your dc do then? Not being snarky. I'm sincerely curious!

[Parrothead]

 

As to the bolded statement, what do you have your dc do then? Not being snarky. I'm sincerely curious!

I only have one.

 

Generally when there is nothing left for her to do but wander about the house or sitting staring into space she realizes that it might be prudent to get the work done.