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I have never submitted a paper before, but I would love some feedback. This is by my writing-phobic 9th grader. It is supposed to be an argumentative paper which compares and contrasts Eve and Pandora. Thanks to anyone willing to do this.

 

The original is formatted correctly.

 

 

Eve and Pandora, Not the Same

 

Did you know that back in ancient times, the Greeks had a story that sounded similar to the story of Eve in Genesis? The story in question is called Pandora’s Box. These two stories seem so similar that they may be thought of as the same. But careful examination reveals that the stories are different. Even though Pandora’s story is similar to Eve’s story, they differ greatly.

First off, how Pandora and Eve were created and the reasons why are different. In her story, Pandora was made by each of the gods contributing a perfect part to her, such as beauty, persuasion, music, and ect. She was given as a “gift†to Prometheus for his punishment. Eve on the other hand, was made by God from one of Adam’s ribs. The reason for her creation was for her to be a companion for Adam and to be mother of all living. The contrast of how and why Pandora and Eve were created clearly indicates that they are not the same story.

Second, the way Pandora and Eve were tempted and the outcome differ also. When Pandora was sent to Prometheus, the gods gave her a mysterious box that she was not ever to open. But eventually, her god given curiosity overcame her and she opened the box. Out came numerous plagues for man’s body, soul, and mind. In despair, Pandora looked franticly into the box and on the bottom she saw hope. But, in Eve’s story, Eve was tempted by Satan in serpent form to eat a fruit from the forbidden tree of knowledge. When she ate the fruit, the whole universe was cursed and fell from perfection into pain, death, and suffering. In both stories Eve and Pandora made something bad happen, but in different ways.

Third, there are some more differences between these two stories. In Eve’s story, Adam was the only man in existence, God put a curse on the entire universe, and humans gained knowledge of right and wrong; but in Pandora’s story, there was a race of men already living, the box’s contents only affected mankind, and humans all ready knew right from wrong. There are many parts in these two stories that disagree with each other which go to prove they are not the same story.

The similar sounding stories of Pandora and Eve are truly different. First, Eve and Pandora were created differently and for opposite purposes. Second, how Pandora and Eve were tempted and the outcome differed also. And third, many other important facts in the two stories did not match each other. All of these contrasts show that even though Pandora’s story sounds like Eve’s, it is different.

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I have never submitted a paper before, but I would love some feedback. This is by my writing-phobic 9th grader. It is supposed to be an argumentative paper which compares and contrasts Eve and Pandora. Thanks to anyone willing to do this.

 

The original is formatted correctly.

 

 

 

 

 

Eve and Pandora, Not the Same

 

Did you know that back in ancient times, the Greeks had a story that sounded similar to the story of Eve in Genesis? The story in question is called Pandora’s Box. These two stories seem so similar that they may be thought of as the same. But careful examination reveals that the stories are different. Even though Pandora’s story is similar to Eve’s story, they differ greatly.

First off, how Pandora and Eve were created and the reasons why are different. In her story, Pandora was made by each of the gods contributing a perfect part to her, such as beauty, persuasion, music, and ect. She was given as a “gift†to Prometheus for his punishment. Eve on the other hand, was made by God from one of Adam’s ribs. The reason for her creation was for her to be a companion for Adam and to be mother of all living. The contrast of how and why Pandora and Eve were created clearly indicates that they are not the same story.

Second, the way Pandora and Eve were tempted and the outcome differ also. When Pandora was sent to Prometheus, the gods gave her a mysterious box that she was not ever to open. But eventually, her god given curiosity overcame her and she opened the box. Out came numerous plagues for man’s body, soul, and mind. In despair, Pandora looked franticly into the box and on the bottom she saw hope. But, in Eve’s story, Eve was tempted by Satan in serpent form to eat a fruit from the forbidden tree of knowledge. When she ate the fruit, the whole universe was cursed and fell from perfection into pain, death, and suffering. In both stories Eve and Pandora made something bad happen, but in different ways.

Third, there are some more differences between these two stories. In Eve’s story, Adam was the only man in existence, God put a curse on the entire universe, and humans gained knowledge of right and wrong; but in Pandora’s story, there was a race of men already living, the box’s contents only affected mankind, and humans all ready knew right from wrong. There are many parts in these two stories that disagree with each other which go to prove they are not the same story.

The similar sounding stories of Pandora and Eve are truly different. First, Eve and Pandora were created differently and for opposite purposes. Second, how Pandora and Eve were tempted and the outcome differed also. And third, many other important facts in the two stories did not match each other. All of these contrasts show that even though Pandora’s story sounds like Eve’s, it is different.

 

I realize that he's only in 9th, but at that age, I prefer more formal writing. I don't like the current trend of starting papers with a question. I tell my kids to say what they have to say, don't start with the trick of pretending to ask a question (and then one tells me that his English teacher at co-op likes it that way!).

 

So, I'd prefer a start something like:

 

In ancient Greece, there was a mythological story named Pandora's Box which appears to resonate closely with the Biblical story of Eve in the book of Genesis, the first book of the Holy Bible. However, upon closer examination, there are many critically important distinctions between the two stories. (add another sentence or two about the relevance or weight of the distinctions, maybe).

 

Paragraph one (and maybe two, depending on detail) would be a general outline of the two stories

 

Then, once the stories are laid out for the reader (as I always say to my kids, "ALL papers need to stand alone." You can't expect your audience to be informed of your facts, even the teacher. Anyone should be able to pick up your paper and follow it, and understand your arguments), I'd move on to comparisons and contrasts.

 

Then a final wrap up paragraph that sounds good and wraps up all the loose ends.

 

Also, I don't like the title. It doesn't make sense to me. I'd prefer to something more specific, and took this from later in the paper. Eve and Pandora: Their Contrasting Origins and Purposes

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Did you know that back in ancient times, the Greeks had a story that sounded similar to the story of Eve in Genesis?

 

First and second person are a no-no in academic writing. This kind of cutesy intro that is taught in schools and is supposed to "draw the reader in" has to be unlearned.

 

The story in question is called Pandora’s Box. These two stories seem so similar that they may be thought of as the same. But careful examination reveals that the stories are different. Even though Pandora’s story is similar to Eve’s story, they differ greatly.

 

I like this a as starting point. Not exactly a strong thesis, but OK for a first attempt.

 

First off, how Pandora and Eve were created and the reasons why are different.

This sentence sounds clumsy. "First off" is too colloquial. "First" suffices.

 

In her story, Pandora was made by each of the gods contributing a perfect part to her, such as beauty, persuasion, music, and ect.

She was given as a “gift†to Prometheus for his punishment. Eve on the other hand, was made by God from one of Adam’s ribs. The reason for her creation was for her to be a companion for Adam and to be mother of all living.

All living what? There were living things already; man was created after plants and animals.

 

Second, the way Pandora and Eve were tempted and the outcome differ also. When Pandora was sent to Prometheus, the gods gave her a mysterious box that she was not ever to open. But eventually, her god given curiosity overcame her and she opened the box. Out came numerous plagues for man’s body, soul, and mind. In despair, Pandora looked franticly into the box and on the bottom she saw hope. But, in Eve’s story, Eve was tempted by Satan in serpent form to eat a fruit from the forbidden tree of knowledge. When she ate the fruit, the whole universe was cursed and fell from perfection into pain, death, and suffering. In both stories Eve and Pandora made something bad happen, but in different ways.

 

One could argue that there really was not that much difference.

 

Third, there are some more differences between these two stories. In Eve’s story, Adam was the only man in existence, God put a curse on the entire universe, and humans gained knowledge of right and wrong; but in Pandora’s story, there was a race of men already living, the box’s contents only affected mankind, and humans all ready knew right from wrong.

 

run-on sentence

 

The comparison is too superficial and only looks at surface differences in the two stories. The essay is lacking any analysis of the deeper meaning. I would expect a more thorough analysis from a high school student.

 

I strongly disagree with the previous poster about summarizing the stories and the idea of a "stand alone" paper. In academic writing, I expect the student to write for an audience that is familiar with the contents of the works discussed. On top of it, I would assume that in particular the stories of Pandora and Eve are common knowledge that does not require paraphrasing.

(To the pp: how would you expect a student to write an essay about Dante's Divine Comedy? It is impossible to paraphrase the work so that the essay is a stand alone work; I would always expect the reader to be familiar with the content of any literary work that is discussed. In college, the reader of the essay will be the professor.)

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Just posting so I can remember to come back and respond later.

 

 

Sorry, I am still learning how to hunt down the threads I post in.

 

Let me start by saying that he does seem to have a good start with showing the differences. I think that with practice, he will become more comfortable delving deeper. I would also suggest that he give examples from the story to help prove his points.

 

Some of the things I noticed have already been addressed. These include, addressing "you". using the words first, second, and third, etc. Most kids do this when they are starting out, but it is something that must be unlearned. Although, I understand that many English teachers teach kids to use first, second, third, and then, I also remember getting beat up for you beginning in 11th grade, and first, second, and then on one of my first college papers. If you dc are in an online class or co-op that requires this, I would simply address it with them so they won't be surprised later.

 

 

Did you know that back in ancient times, the Greeks had a story that sounded similar to the story of Eve in Genesis?

 

I know that someone mentioned the question use, but I thought I would address it as well. My 13 year old is in a class that teaches him to do this. I believe it is leading up to something els. The intent is to have writers have a catchy lead that will capture their readers attention. Other options are an anecdote or a quote. If your ds chooses to ask a question while he is learning, I would simply suggest trying to reword it without the word you. From my experience with my own son, asking a question as the catchy lead seems to be easiest option, with anecdote being a close second for a beginning writer. When my ds has tried using a quote, he has struggled a bit.

 

Second, how Pandora and Eve were tempted and the outcome differed also. And third, many other important facts in the two stories did not match each other. All of these contrasts show that even though Pandora’s story sounds like Eve’s, it is different.

 

I noticed that this is a repetition of what was said earlier in the paper. Is there a way this can be reworded? I think that having different word choices can really help spruce up a paper.

 

I would say that it is a good start.

 

HTH

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Thanks so much for your honest responses. I showed them to ds and he is making improvements. He did admit that he didn't feel this was a good paper. He said he knew about half-way through that his argument was not that strong.

 

I also wanted him to know that his papers may or may not be just for mom's eyes only.

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  • 3 months later...

Oh, this totally bums me out! :( Please let your son know he did a good job. It's a start! Writing isn't easy for everyone and I definitely see room for improvement, but I think he is doing fine.

 

My son has been taking a writing course this year, and it has really stretched him as he HATES writing. HATES! lol! I think when it's something that they just do not enjoy it can be hard for them to give it their full attention.

 

I think with some regular feed back that he will get more confident. I hope he isn't discouraged.

 

 

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