Calling all grammar and punctuation gurus..... Help on 2 sentences, please

[Jackie in NE]

Dd is working on an essay. I am stuck on a couple of sentences. I know something is wrong with them.... but I'm not sure how to fix them.

 

Can you please help this grammar/punctuation-challenged Mom?

 

Here they are:

 

1.) I was too busy breathlessly turning the page, impatient to see what happened next.

 

2.) I will keep going ‘further up and further in’; always exploring, always learning, always traveling through hundreds of worlds, and loving every minute of it.

 

Thanks so much for your expertise!

[Mrs Mungo]

Dd is working on an essay. I am stuck on a couple of sentences. I know something is wrong with them.... but I'm not sure how to fix them.

 

Can you please help this grammar/punctuation-challenged Mom?

 

Here they are:

 

1.) I was too busy breathlessly turning the page, impatient to see what happened next.

2.) I will keep going ‘further up and further in’; always exploring, always learning, always traveling through hundreds of worlds, and loving every minute of it.

 

I would start by having her diagram them. There are some issues, but it hard to type from my phone. :)

[krisperry]

1) I was too busy breathlessly turninged the page, impatient to see what happened next.

[Peplophoros]

Dd is working on an essay. I am stuck on a couple of sentences. I know something is wrong with them.... but I'm not sure how to fix them.

 

Can you please help this grammar/punctuation-challenged Mom?

 

Here they are:

 

1.) I was too busy breathlessly turning the page, impatient to see what happened next.

 

2.) I will keep going ‘further up and further in’; always exploring, always learning, always traveling through hundreds of worlds, and loving every minute of it.

 

Thanks so much for your expertise!

 

 

 

I agree with the krisperry for #1. Too wordy.

 

For #2, technically what comes after the semicolon should be a complete sentence. I would have replaced the semicolon with a dash, maybe even a colon, since it is a list (colons are generally used for lists).

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Also agreeing on sentence 1. For sentence 2, that's a perfect spot for an em dash (in place of the semicolon).

[Myra]

http://1aiway.com/nlp4net/services/enparser/

 

Here's a link (thanks to someone somewhere on this forum who posted it once!) to the Reed-Kellogg Diagramming site.

 

It's helped me out numberous times.....maybe it can help you out, too!

 

Myra

[Jackie in NE]

 

 

I agree with the krisperry for #1. Too wordy.

 

For #2, technically what comes after the semicolon should be a complete sentence. I would have replaced the semicolon with a dash, maybe even a colon, since it is a list (colons are generally used for lists).

 

 

Yes, I agree with these..... so the question seems to be, which is better- the colon or the dash?

[LaughingCat]

For 1, I disagree with others - the sentences are part of an essay, you can't make a major change to the sentence meaning without considering the rest of the essay ( which we don't know, of course). How about:

 

I was too busy turning the page, breathlessly impatient to see what happened next.

[TXBeth]

Well I will disagree with everyone else and say I like the first sentence and don't see any grammatical problems with it.

 

In the second sentence I agree that the semicolon should be replaced by a dash or colon.

[Incognito]

#1 breathlessly turning a page... just not something I do. I understand the feeling behind it, but being busy and breathless and impatient don't quite match up with one another. Perhaps it is the juxtaposition of busy and breathless.

 

#2 dash or semicolon.

[LaxMom]

For 1, I disagree with others - the sentences are part of an essay, you can't make a major change to the sentence meaning without considering the rest of the essay ( which we don't know, of course). How about:

 

I was too busy turning the page, breathlessly impatient to see what happened next.

I agree. However, "too busy" implies that there is some other action or need going on that is not being acknowledged:

 

I was too busy breathlessly turning the page, impatient to see what happened next, and did not hear the jaguar padding softly behind my chair.

 

I was too busy breathlessly turning the page, impatient to see what happened next, to answer the insistent doorbell.

 

There's something missing in the context we have with the isolated sentence.

 

On 2:

I will keep going ‘further up and further in’; always exploring, always learning, always traveling through hundreds of worlds, and loving every minute of it.

 

"further up and further in", and the repeated use of "always" feels awkward to me; I would say "I will keep going further, up and in, always exploring and learning, always traveling through hundreds of worlds, and loving every minute of it."