Help please! DS cries about everything for school and he's almost 10!

[kristi26]

I am so lost on what to do with DS9. He's in 4th grade and going to be 10 soon and he cries, whines, and tries to avoid everything about school. He is the one that has the EASIEST time with school too! You explain something once, and for the most part, he gets it (except Grammar, it is his nemesis). The other two struggle with every aspect, ODS even has a few LDs and HE is more cooperative than DS9!

 

Example for today:

 

I have made a chart with all assignments for the week for DS9. I send it to him in an email. It has several pages along with it for spelling, grammar, literature, history, science, math...the idea is that he can look at his list, choose what to do and then do it. Only he doesn't. I still have to ask him if he's done the work I sent him repeatedly. Even after he has told me "no" for the third time after finding him playing or messing around, he still goes on to repeat the whole thing again.

 

Because he was not enjoying KISS grammar and several other aspects of our literature choices, I grabbed a copy of LLATL purple for him. We started it today. He has already declared "Farmer Boy" stupid (and he was only on the second page) AND cried about the questions relating to a poem about America.

 

What am I supposed to do with him?? I can't just keep switching curricula all year and I absolutely cannot listen to him cry and whine about school all day everyday either. Suggestions please, hive? I'm at a loss with this boy!

 

ETA: I asked him what he liked about school and what he didn't. He basically said he likes the variety of books but not that he has to read them. He doesn't like doing summaries of what he read. He hates grammar. He likes math but feels like it's too easy. I've just given him a competency exam for Math-U-See Delta and he got everything except the part where he had to write his answer with the remainder as a fraction. We could probably finish it up in the next month or two and move on. So what do I do with all of THIS new info from him?

[idnib]

I think my son's head would explode if I sent him a list of everything we were going to do for the week. Maybe just post what is to be done for one day, and put it on the wall where you can keep an eye on it and he can get the satisfaction of physically checking it off?

[maize]

My 9 year old dd appreciates being able plan out her week for herself. I give her a page that lists the work needing to be done, and she puts it into a planner. For example, her list might say "complete 8 pages of Math Mammoth and 4 pages of Key to Fractions" then she decides which days she will do what pages. It's a small step towards giving her more control and ownership over what she is doing. She writes her plans down then crosses them off as they are completed.

[kristi26]

My 9 year old dd appreciates being able plan out her week for herself. I give her a page that lists the work needing to be done, and she puts it into a planner. For example, her list might say "complete 8 pages of Math Mammoth and 4 pages of Key to Fractions" then she decides which days she will do what pages. It's a small step towards giving her more control and ownership over what she is doing. She writes her plans down then crosses them off as they are completed.

 

 

Hmm...I like this idea. Maybe I'll try it for next week and see if he prefers being able to choose when he does what and how much of it he finishes per day. Thanks!

[Bensmom]

Sounds familiar. My ds (9 almost 10) has been known to be the same way. He actually does better with only having one assignment presented at a time. I thought he would like the freedom of choosing his subject order and would write each day's assigments on the white board. Turns out that was just overload for him. He felt overwhelmed like it was a ton of work and would just cry and complain without trying. He is not near as independant with his work as I would like, but presenting only one thing at a time has helped. He also stopped fussying when we added another child to our school (his cousin). He doesn't want to look like a baby in front of somebody else and changed his tune real quick. Maybe you should borrow another kid for a day and test it out? :tongue_smilie:

[redsquirrel]

He might not be ready for so much independence.

 

Maybe try giving him a list for the day and allowing him to decide what he does next on the list. And, maybe he is not ready to be set lose with his assignments yet. It might be easier for him if you sat with him and guided him through the day. It takes some of the pressure off him.

[justLisa]

My son needs half a day at a time. He will look at a list and just sort of freak out because he cannot see the end of it. I give him the day in two chunks. One chunk, then a nice long break, then the rest. He will often choose no break and just ask for the rest.

[Abigail4476]

Ds10 has a list on his desk each morning with that day's assignments. I also go ahead and pull out any worksheets he will need for the day. He does his independent work first (piano, music theory, reading, typing) and then we do Math, English, Spelling and SOTW together.

 

He would be pretty overwhelmed if I put an entire week's worth of assignments in front of him. If your son is getting overwhelmed to the point of tears and serious negativity, I would first try changing the methods and approach; not the curriculum.

[Deniseibase]

My DD is 12 & it is just this year that I can give her a whole week of work at a time and expect her to complete it all on her own in a timely manner. Even so, she checks in with me at the end of every assignment to let me know she's completed it, and often to check over something she had trouble with. Before this year I just gave her one day at a time of assignments. I think some very independent children thrive on having the control of planning their whole week themselves, but honestly, for most kids, any thrill they might get from the control aspect is overwhelmed by the work of designing their own schedule and managing themselves :-) Most kids have to be eased into it gently, a bit at a time. I got a lot of great ideas on how to do just that from SWB's audio lecture on raising independent learners, you can find it at the Peace Hill Press webstore.

[Catwoman]

I think my son's head would explode if I sent him a list of everything we were going to do for the week. Maybe just post what is to be done for one day, and put it on the wall where you can keep an eye on it and he can get the satisfaction of physically checking it off?

 

I think my head would explode if you sent me an email like that. :eek:

 

And what's up with the emails? Are you not at home when he's doing his schoolwork? :confused:

 

I know this is going to sound harsh, but I think you're expecting far too much of an almost-10yo, and that if you want the tears to stop, you're going to have to do a lot more handholding -- and you'll probably need to spend some time with him, actively teaching him or sitting next to him while he works. Realistically, if you're doing little more than emailing him his weekly assignments and then checking over his work, you're not homeschooling him; he's homeschooling himself, and that's probably pretty overwhelming, lonely, and boring for him.

 

Honestly, I think it has little to do with the curriculum you're using. I suspect it has everything to do with needing more of your time, and needing more guidance and less independence.

[Alice]

I have a 9 yr old also who has been known to be a Eeyoreish kind of guy. We do a weekly list sort of like what you described. It helps him to have some choice and independence about what to pick. However, he still needs a lot of reminders and help with organizing his time. There is no way he could be that independent. I’ve also found that he really still likes and needs time with me. It’s easier because he’s my oldest in some ways but it’s also tempting to let him work on his own while I do stuff with his siblings or around the house. However, he really still wants the time to snuggle and read or have more one on one time. So there are things he could easily do on his own but that we do together because he prefers it that way (like I read him SOTW still even though he’s a great reader or sometimes we will do work on his challenging math problems together, we do it as a discussion).

 

For the Eeyore part of his personality I’ve been very direct about how his attitude effects our day. I’ve told him that he’s allowed to dislike parts of school but he is not allowed to say “I hate so and soâ€. In the times where he is really grumbling I kind of ignore him and just move on. When we go over the weekly schedule I make a point of reminding him what the fun things of the week are. And then if he’s dragging his feet or not doing the work I’ll just very matter of factly say “Remember that x is coming over Friday. If you don’t get your work done we can’t have him over.†I’ve also found that when we’re having a tough time it helps a lot for us to do something together one on one. This can be going out to dinner at a pizza place or just going for a bike ride or sometime just taking him with me to the library (an errand he really enjoys).

 

For curriculum, do you think he’s bored? If he’s good at Math and says it’s too easy why not move on. We often will skip sections if my son proves he understands and knows it. I don’t know MUS but can you review the one thing he didn’t understand and then do some kind of assesment. Tell him if he gets a certain amount right and does it without complaining that you can move one quickly. That might be motivating. Could you incorporate grammar/spelling/LA into what he likes to read? Maybe pick a book you know he’d like or one he chooses. Give him vocabulary, spelling from the book and have him do a writing assignment from the book. Use his writing to go over grammar and spelling or whatever. I have a very reluctant writer but he is doing much better this year with this kind of approach than with a more formal program. You could later expand to include books that he might not naturally want to read but that you want him to.

[Arcadia]

I have made a chart with all assignments for the week for DS9. I send it to him in an email. It has several pages along with it for spelling, grammar, literature, history, science, math...the idea is that he can look at his list, choose what to do and then do it.

 

A week is too long for a 4th grader. It is easier to go day to day. Maybe let him list down what he thinks he is able to complete at the beginning of the day on a piece of paper, than let him mark off his own list.

 

For example if you want him to do Language Arts, Math and History everyday, than list those down on a piece of paper and let him fill in the amount of work he thinks he can get done. If you think the amount he list down is too little, you can always discuss and revise together.

 

Some kids like to have a choice in which task they do first, some prefer to have task handed to them one at a time. So ask him what he prefer.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Dd10 has a list for the week BUT we look over it together and we do it together. At the most, she has one block of time that is for independent study. She cries too at certain assignments. But I wouldn't think of changing her curriculum just because of a few tears. We look at the material together. I break down what needs to be broken down and explain what needs to be explained. She could do more independently but emotionally and socially she needs me right beside her as her teacher.

[kalanamak]

I have found that I can't tell kiddo ahead of time what we are doing.

 

Suffering comes in two flavors: pain and dread.

When he knows what is coming, he starts the tickertape of dread in his head. If we are halfway through math and he asks if it is this whole page, ARG is the answer I get for "yes". I have pointed out that I will not tell him because of the noise and unhappiness that follows. I tell him to put one foot in front of the other, focus on the moment, and eyes on the prize.

 

It feels weird to do this, but I can't take the moaning and exclaiming if he has time to roll his work around in his head.

When we are honestly on the LAST page of the whole day, I'll tell him, but other than that he is in the dark and will be until he can keep his ejaculations silent and expressionless. I'm sick of them.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

My almost 10 yr. old would not know how to handle an email with a week's worth of work. At best, I can give him a list of things to do that day, but even then he would still need some direction and hand holding from me.

[Farrar]

Sometimes, the more choices you have, the more anxious you become. Yes, we want our children to become self directed, but realistically sometimes we have to just lay everything out for them. As they feel more secure, we can slowly build to having choice. In other words, stop with the choices for now. Lay down the schedule and stick with it.

 

 

[Lily_Grace]

Sometimes, the more choices you have, the more anxious you become. Yes, we want our children to become self directed, but realistically sometimes we have to just lay everything out for them. As they feel more secure, we can slowly build to having choice. In other words, stop with the choices for now. Lay down the schedule and stick with it.

 

 

Yep.

 

Variety good, too much choice is overwhelming.

 

One thing that helped ds was having small choices. We used the Task Cards from Creek Edge Press and he could pick which *two* tasks he was going to work on that day for the subject, but knew he'd be doing all of them. We also started to gravitate to curricula that offered alternatives to repetitive work, but was still constant- unit studies are perfect for this age. Intellego, Moving Beyond The Page, HomeschoolShare..each offering something other than "read/write" to keep him engaged.

[~*Beatrix*~]

I have an almost 8yo, and we literally handhold subject by subject. There is no way that in two years I will be able to send him the week's worth of work electronically and expect him to stay on task. That is just not developmentally appropriate for most 9/10yos.

 

Here is the new plan: You need to show him the daily work in an accessible way (maybe show him a daily print out that he can check off) and then-- I would go completely back to square one ("Okay, honey, now it is time for math. Get out your math book and turn to the next lesson. Bring it to mom, and let's talk about the concept and make sure you understand it. Okay, now that you get it, I need you to do your two pages. I'm setting the timer for half an hour. That gives you about a minute per problem. I will check in with you when the timer buzzes." ) Do this for EACH subject in great day.

 

You can start there and back off slowly as he shows competence. You will find his current level of ability to work independently. Then make sure you give him the tools he needs to win. He is being put in a losing situation right now.

[lea1]

Hmm...I like this idea. Maybe I'll try it for next week and see if he prefers being able to choose when he does what and how much of it he finishes per day. Thanks!

 

This sounds like you are moving toward give him even more choices and independence when it seems he is already struggling with what he already has. I would go with the majority of replies and see if giving him a bit more guidance and handholding might help. Also it seems that giving him one day of assignments at a time might be less overwhelming for him. And having him check in with you when he finishes an assignment and possibly let you know which assignment he plans to tackle next might be a good handholding/accountability step.

 

Did you build up to giving him a week at a time by starting with one day of assignments at a time to see if he could handle that? What approach were you using before you started emailing him a week worth of assignments?

[m0mmaBuck]

My 10 yo son is a crier. Our best days are ones where we have no other commitments for the day so our school day is open-ended. Any pressure to be finished by a certain time (even if that time is 6 p.m.) sends him spinning. There were tears everywhere on Friday because DD6 was going to a friend's at 1 p.m. (early release day for PS) and DS10 had a sleepover starting at 6 p.m. and both children were sure they were never going to be finished in time (even though we start at 9 a.m. and they each had less than 3 hrs worth of work left for the week).

 

Additionally, the sight of an entire week's work in one view would overwhelm him entirely and he would shut down. Instead, I print out a list for each day and he checks them off as he works through them. He has some choice in the order of subjects but I find it goes best when I alternate teacher-required vs. independent work so he has some independence but doesn't feel like he is on his own for a large chunk of time.

[Reya]

My DS likes to know what he has for the week all at once. He sometimes bumps things from one day to another, depending on extracurriculars. That said, he needs it PRINTED out. You should check in with your DS every 30 minutes. "What did you finish? What are you working on? How is it going?"

 

Build rewards into the day that he gets by making certain goals.

 

Make sure your assignments are realistic for the amount of time you have for school.

 

Let him have input on which curricula you choose.

 

And make him run laps or do push ups for whining. :-)