a good idea or very silly given the ages of my kids??

[ProudGrandma]

I have 3 kids...ages 8, 10 and 12. As much as I would like the older 2 especially to not throw big fits about going first or having the decision power to do something or first pick...they don't. It drives me NUTS becasue I see other kids of the same age be able to not have the "need" to always be first or always be in control. For example: yesterday the kids were all fighting about where their hamster cages could be on the floor so they culd all play with them...(each kid has their own hamster and cage)...they each wanted this one specific spot (and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why one spot is better than any other)...so a huge fight happened. and Often they fight about who practices first in piano.

 

SO...I was thinking that I could set up a system where every 3 days each child would have that power...the power to go first, the power to decide what music is played in the family room, the power to choose the game played, etc.

 

BUT...my problem is WHY in the world do we NEED such a system...I mean, REALLY...it's not like my kids are 3, 5 and 7 anymore...good grief.

 

SO....a good idea...or completely silly given the ages of my kids??? And if silly? then how do I solve this crazy situation in my home????

[k2bdeutmeyer]

I'm not sure how to answer your questions, but just wanted to say that my 12yr old is the WORST offender of this in my house. Drives me absolutely INSANE.

[Julie Smith]

If you just had two kids you could teach them how to play, Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock

[In The Great White North]

Not silly at any age. After all, that is why we have traffic signals - everyone (all adults) wants to go first. A system/routine could take care of "most" of the problem.

[ProudGrandma]

so is it normal to have kids of this age still not being able to give in without a fight? Why does it matter to a 12 year old if her hamster cage is in space A or space b...if all of the spaces are exactly alike...and even if they aren't? At some point, it has to not matter...when is that point if not 12?

[ProudGrandma]

Not silly at any age. After all, that is why we have traffic signals - everyone (all adults) wants to go first. A system/routine could take care of "most" of the problem.

 

 

good point.

[Guest inoubliable]

 

 

BUT...my problem is WHY in the world do we NEED such a system...I mean, REALLY...it's not like my kids are 3, 5 and 7 anymore...good grief.

 

 

 

Simple. You don't. Your kids are old enough to realize that life isn't always fair. :grouphug: And it's rough laying that out there for kids sometimes. We have just one TV in our house. My kids used to fight all the time over who got to watch what and first. I started arbitrarily "giving in" to a kid and telling the other two to take a chill pill and one of them would get to pick next. The kids started hounding me about how I was going to choose and I told them that I had no way to know that in advance - there was no criteria and that life was like that sometimes. Instead of focusing on what was "fair", I focused on "patience", good manners, and encouraged them to figure it out peacefully among themselves.

[Remudamom]

I think giving turns at being first just makes it worse. Makes it more desirable.

 

Whoever isn't fighting gets first pick. And if they continue to fight whatever you're doing is just canceled. Doesn't take them long to figure it out.

 

I'd have some talks about putting others before yourself.

[natjen05]

I think giving turns at being first just makes it worse. Makes it more desirable.

 

Whoever isn't fighting gets first pick. And if they continue to fight whatever you're doing is just canceled. Doesn't take them long to figure it out.

 

I'd have some talks about putting others before yourself.

 

I agree. Of course my children are smaller but I just take it away. If they want that certain area, just say "ok no one can have it now that you fought about it."

 

That way no one "wins" in the end. They all lose it. I have found it to work with older kids too since I used to watch some older kids. Seemed to work well with them. Learned to not fight and take turns.

 

I think that reminding them about putting others before yourself is an excellent thing too. I will be working on that more. Thanks for the reminder!

[Paige]

I think giving turns at being first just makes it worse. Makes it more desirable.

 

Whoever isn't fighting gets first pick. And if they continue to fight whatever you're doing is just canceled. Doesn't take them long to figure it out.

 

I'd have some talks about putting others before yourself.

 

:iagree: My kids fight about stuff like that all the time! I tried giving them days or having them take turns but it didn't curb the desire to be first and created new fights. (It's my turn, No! It's my turn :boxing_smiley: ) Now, any whining about who is first or pushing to be first, or racing to be first, ends with that person being last. It has helped some but hasn't stopped everything. I have 1 kid who always gives in which is another problem. I don't want to raise a doormat either.

[fairfarmhand]

My kids do rock paper scissors for stuff. And they make it tourney style if they have all 3-4 of them wanting the same thing./ They've learned if I say, "Work it out or I will work it out for you," I won't satisfy anyone.

[Dory]

My kids were really bad with this. I've made a point of letting the one that is the least pushy go first. They have improved a LOT. My youngest still is pretty bad, but he's a 5 year old boy. I'm sure it will improve with time.

[Rivka]

We had one kitchen chair that was off-limits for months because my kids fought over it. The couch is occasionally off-limits for shorter periods of time (like an afternoon), because apparently there is only ONE seat in the whole living room that is acceptable, and they squabble.

 

With the kitchen chair, eventually they earned it back by coming up with an equitable sharing plan on their own. Now they always know whose turn it is to sit there, and they manage that amongst themselves without a parent having to referee.

 

I would think that your kids are old enough to come up with their own solution to the squabbling problem. Have you read Siblings Without Rivalry? It goes into a lot of detail about how to handle this kind of thing. You can schedule a meeting, explain that the squabbling needs to stop, and say that no one will get to do the squabbled-over things unless, amongst themselves, they can come up with a plan for deciding who goes first that everyone can agree on.

[KungFuPanda]

Give it to the kid who whines the least. They'll eventually learn that it benefits them to be civil.

 

Or teach them to flip a coin. For whatever reason, boys seem to respect games (rock, paper, scissors; coin toss; spinner with their picture on it) more than reason. This is why football exists.

[I.Dup.]

I like the rock, paper, scissors idea. I also like the idea of giving it to the kid who whines the least (that is what we do). What I would NOT do is involve myself in being a judge and jury of whose day it is, mediating every interaction, etc. That's why I like the rock, paper, scissors idea so they can work it out amongst themselves.

[Incognito]

^{We have the kids give deference to someone who is younger. So in your family's case, your youngest would always get to go first. ;) Well, not really, but sort of. FWIW, when I try to treat my kids like they are all equal and have equal expectations, it sinks to the lowest aged expectation. So I expect my older kids to give preference to the younger(s), while still making sure that life isn't totally unfair for my oldest.}

 

^{It isn't perfect, but it helps a lot.}

 

^{ETA: I should mention too that I generally make my decisions in pithy matters rather severe - so they are unlikely to involve me in them. If they are bickering and pull me in then no one gets what they want. I will sometimes ask them if they REALLY want me to decide this and be involved and they will often re-assess and figure it out themselves.}

[ProudGrandma]

I like the Rock, Paper Scissors idea too...thanks. ANd I REALLY like the idea of letting them know if I HAVE to be involved, they won't like it...I just don't always know the best way to handle these situations...and I really WANT my older kids to give in to younger ones...and not always think everything is a big deal, becasue it's not. thanks for the ideas....

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I'm with those who say the whiners and fit-throwers get nothing or go last. We tried a whole bunch of systems in our house--nothing helped, and they still whined and fought and negotiated over everything else. Now, she who screams loudest pays the price. If I have to step in and solve the problem, everyone loses. If you're going to hound me until I want to scream when I've already given you an answer, the final answer will always be no. If you keep hounding me even after that, the answer will change to punishment!

 

It's cut down a lot on the arguing and the whining here. It IS a shame that we need to do it, but I guess that's how they learn the lesson. I was only child, so it took me quite a while to figure out how to deal with a lot of the sibling stuff. So much of it still blows my mind :lol:

[fairfarmhand]

I like the Rock, Paper Scissors idea too...thanks. ANd I REALLY like the idea of letting them know if I HAVE to be involved, they won't like it...I just don't always know the best way to handle these situations...and I really WANT my older kids to give in to younger ones...and not always think everything is a big deal, becasue it's not. thanks for the ideas....

I like rock paper scissors because it keeps the same kid from always giving in and the hardhead always getting her way. My younger dd knew that mom would take whatever they were fighting about away, so she'd give in just to avoid having the whole thing go south altogether. My oldest would call mom because she'd rather lose the item than give in and let the sister have first turn.

[Julie Smith]

I like rock paper scissors because it keeps the same kid from always giving in and the hardhead always getting her way. My younger dd knew that mom would take whatever they were fighting about away, so she'd give in just to avoid having the whole thing go south altogether. My oldest would call mom because she'd rather lose the item than give in and let the sister have first turn.

 

 

This is how I remember lots of things happening with my brother.

 

But add in my Mom getting annoyed that 'we' made such a big deal about it. And since it seemed to matter so much to my brother I should give in on this one thing.

 

To my memory lots of things mattered a lot to my brother. :glare:

[AK_Mom4]

Rock Paper Scissors is great - unless you have one kid that cheats :glare: - which is why we went to the coin flip.

 

And if you involve me in it, everyone loses.

 

We do have one age-related rule: oldest kid gets dibs on riding shotgun. This was mostly due to long legs and a small car, but they all knew that their turn in the front seat would come - eventually.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Rock Paper Scissors is great - unless you have one kid that cheats :glare: - which is why we went to the coin flip.

 

And if you involve me in it, everyone loses.

 

We do have one age-related rule: oldest kid gets dibs on riding shotgun. This was mostly due to long legs and a small car, but they all knew that their turn in the front seat would come - eventually.

 

RPS was a fail for us for the same reasons, but the coin toss was worse! Oldest DD seems to lose the coin toss every. single. time. And I'm the one who flips the coin, so I know there's no trickery involved! There were still tears, and pleas for "best 3 out of 5," and arguing over who called heads first, and so on. I tried drawing numbers, I tried "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 5"--nothing worked. That's how we ended up with tough love here. That has been the only thing that put an end (mostly) to any bickering for us.

[ProudGrandma]

Rock Paper Scissors is great - unless you have one kid that cheats :glare: - which is why we went to the coin flip.

 

And if you involve me in it, everyone loses.

 

We do have one age-related rule: oldest kid gets dibs on riding shotgun. This was mostly due to long legs and a small car, but they all knew that their turn in the front seat would come - eventually.

 

I must be super out of it, how does one cheat in RPS?

[Rebel Yell]

My kids are all older- see siggy.

 

For may years, we have used the Girl Of The Week system. Beginning on Saturday, we have a new GOTW. They go out to breakfast & grocery shopping with Dad, get to sit where they want in the car, pick the movie, go first for showers, and choose an entire meal on the weekly menu plan.

 

Certain chores/privelges are also tied to the order...

 

Oh- it also rotates who is in the middle, or "Second in Command" should the GOTW not be available at the moment to fulfill her duties. For example, so the middle child isn;t always in the middle, and the oldest doesn't always have to give up what she wants to keep peace:

 

Girl of the Week: Diamond

First Runner Up:Sweet Child

Bronze Medalist:BabyBaby

 

Girl of the Week: Sweet Child

First Runner Up:BabyBaby

Bronze Medalist:Diamond

 

Girl of the Week: BabyBaby

First Runner Up:Diamond

Bronze Medalist:SweetChild

 

We occasionally switch weeks to accomodate a birthday or week away at camp. But the NUMBER ONE RULE of GOTW is this: It isn;t about making everything fair and even for the girls, it;s about helping Mommy make decisions and keep her sanity.

 

(and yes, they all know and recite THAT motto, LOL!)

[Upward Journey]

I'm with those who say the whiners and fit-throwers get nothing or go last. We tried a whole bunch of systems in our house--nothing helped, and they still whined and fought and negotiated over everything else. Now, she who screams loudest pays the price. If I have to step in and solve the problem, everyone loses. If you're going to hound me until I want to scream when I've already given you an answer, the final answer will always be no. If you keep hounding me even after that, the answer will change to punishment!

 

It's cut down a lot on the arguing and the whining here. It IS a shame that we need to do it, but I guess that's how they learn the lesson. I was only child, so it took me quite a while to figure out how to deal with a lot of the sibling stuff. So much of it still blows my mind :lol:

 

I was not an only child, but this is how it works in our house, too.

[MicheleinMN]

I tell my children that there is no way in the world I can make them all happy at the same time, but I am more than capable of making them all miserable. ;)

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

 

I must be super out of it, how does one cheat in RPS?

 

Fibbing about the sign you threw, changing it, arguing about why the contest wasn't "fair" :confused1: , arguing in spite of how the results came out. Just because one person wins and one person loses doesn't mean the sore losers automatically abide by the results. That's how it worked here anyway (youngest DD was 6 when we tried the "win by chance" systems). When the coin toss stopped working was when I gave up entirely!

[ProudGrandma]

I tell my children that there is no way in the world I can make them all happy at the same time, but I am more than capable of making them all miserable. ;)

 

this is great!!!!

[fraidycat]

We have the kids give deference to someone who is younger. So in your family's case, your youngest would always get to go first. ;) Well, not really, but sort of. FWIW, when I try to treat my kids like they are all equal and have equal expectations, it sinks to the lowest aged expectation. So I expect my older kids to give preference to the younger(s), while still making sure that life isn't totally unfair for my oldest.It isn't perfect, but it helps a lot.ETA: I should mention too that I generally make my decisions in pithy matters rather severe - so they are unlikely to involve me in them. If they are bickering and pull me in then no one gets what they want. I will sometimes ask them if they REALLY want me to decide this and be involved and they will often re-assess and figure it out themselves.

 

I would be careful of this. This is how youngers grow up thinking everything is "owed" to them. I have a younger sister - 31- who STILL believes that my brother and I should "give in" to her. She is perfectly capable of thinking of others first...until it comes to her siblings.

 

I've also seen this in other families, too.

 

I like the Rock, Paper Scissors idea too...thanks. ANd I REALLY like the idea of letting them know if I HAVE to be involved, they won't like it...I just don't always know the best way to handle these situations...and I really WANT my older kids to give in to younger ones...and not always think everything is a big deal, becasue it's not. thanks for the ideas....

 

See above. My DD has a tendency to "give in" to her little brother. Sometimes I do interfere and I put a stop to THAT, and make him be the 'giver', too. He is not owed anything just because he was born later.

 

I tell my children that there is no way in the world I can make them all happy at the same time, but I am more than capable of making them all miserable. ;)

 

Love This!! I am going to use it. :)

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

See above. My DD has a tendency to "give in" to her little brother. Sometimes I do interfere and I put a stop to THAT, and make him be the 'giver', too. He is not owed anything just because he was born later.

 

I totally agree. I think that's a recipe for resentment, because the older children can never be the beneficiaries in that system--they'll never be the younger kids. I've seen enough people post here about ongoing issues with younger siblings because of issues like this. I try to be very careful to be balanced here with regard to oldest privileges vs. youngest benefits.

[catz]

My kids are 8 and 12 and they rotate every day who goes first for music practice. So doesn't seem weird to me at all. I would just establish the order though. At our house, DD is first on Mon, Wed, Friday. DS on Tues, Thurs, Sat or Sun (we only practice one weekend day) I don't want to have to watch rock paper scissors cheats daily, etc. :lol:

[ProudGrandma]

Yea, I agree to with making sure the youngest has to give too...that make totaly sense to me. My main point is that what is still important to an 8 year old, shouldn't be THAT important to a 12 year old...and to save those types of arguements for situations were it REALLY matters...

 

this is a tough deal, isn't it?? It's hard to grow up and it's hard to help the kids grow up into well adjusted and respectable people.

[elfgivas]

so is it normal to have kids of this age still not being able to give in without a fight? Why does it matter to a 12 year old if her hamster cage is in space A or space b...if all of the spaces are exactly alike...and even if they aren't? At some point, it has to not matter...when is that point if not 12?

 

its not about the spaces for the cages, its about the power.

there appears to be no age limit on power mattering.

 

and sometimes behavior continues because its become part of the relationship "script" that everyone is following.

changing the script or the habit is hard work, and often the habit becomes stronger/worse when you try to change it.

(just a heads up that when they double down, change is coming....)

 

good luck!

ann

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

 

its not about the spaces for the cages, its about the power.

there appears to be no age limit on power mattering.

 

 

Isn't THAT the truth? :glare:

[natjen05]

 

Fibbing about the sign you threw, changing it, arguing about why the contest wasn't "fair" :confused1: , arguing in spite of how the results came out. Just because one person wins and one person loses doesn't mean the sore losers automatically abide by the results. That's how it worked here anyway (youngest DD was 6 when we tried the "win by chance" systems). When the coin toss stopped working was when I gave up entirely!

 

 

Good sportsmanship needs taught. I still think the best bet would be just to take whatever away. LONG before you want to pull your hair out. Makes everyone better in the long run and the kids realize that if they start arguing the end result is neither of them gets it. Kids learn better with fast results than letting it go one every time.

 

Kind of like the cat scratches you if you hurt it. The kid learns right away not to pull its tail! hahaha