Socializing? Help for a quiet natured child

[Ruth Smith]

Hi! My oldest child is a social butterfly. My second is the opposite. I believe that she can be taught skills to help her be more communicative with others but I don't know where to start because this comes natural to most children. She is 15. She doesn't speak much even in our home. (just a quiet natured person) When we are around others (even those she knows well) she doesn't give people a warm fuzzy feeling because she is so non-talkative. I want to teach her & help her with this. Any suggestions? She is good to smile because we have talked about that for years.

[fairfarmhand]

Honestly I wouldn't worry about it. Who cares if she doesn't give people warm and fuzzies. If she is otherwise emotionally and intellectually healthy...I would just let her be. She's 15...I mean, surely she knows how to speak to people to get things done.....she can order at a restaurant or order a pizza or ask for assistance in a store? If so I'd really leave it alone.

yup. This...

 

Are you an extrovert or an introvert? Extroverts often misunderstand introverts.

 

 

Also, is this something she's expressed a desire to change about herself? If not, I'd leave well enough alone,.

[Zebra]

Oh yeah, introvert//extrovert....You might want to read the book Quiet.

 

I think any family that has an introvert in it, should read it :) The whole family.

 

 

I second this book. It's excellent. Anyone who ever has to deal with an introvert ever in life should read it!

[ELITEANDLOVINGIT]

One of my favorite books is Children are from Heaven, it is excellent at discussing the quiet observer....I really didn't understand my daughter fully until I read this segment in the book. It has an illusive title, the book is more secular than not IMO. The greatest thing I took away from reading it was that a child who is quiet is interacting just as fully as the gregarious, loud child. They are just doing it in their own way. My friend and I laugh often as her son is similar to my daughter. At his last birthday party most of the other boys played together as he tried out a new bike. He would ride by and they would just wave to say hello. Both he and his friends were fully satisfied with this level of interaction; they just understand that he is who he is.

[Word Nerd]

I also recommend Quiet, as well as The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child: Helping Your Child Thrive in an Extroverted World by Marti Olsen Laney. I wish my mom could have read them when I was a kid.

[Abigail4476]

There's no need for your daughter to be a social butterfly. :) Respectful and polite communication exercised when necessary is perfectly adequate as far as social skills go.

 

I love this video of Susan Cain, speaking about introverts:

 

[Beth S]

I love this video of Susan Cain, speaking about introverts:

 

 

Just to quickly tie this together: Susan Cain is the author of "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that can't stop talking".

(Mentioned by pp Manah, earlier in this thread.)

Susan Cain is an introvert. This video is a Ted Talk, and a easy-to-listen-to explanation of introverts. And yes, at the end, she points out what a delightful irony it is--she's an introvert thrust into giving speeches to the public. :)

 

Book (which is likely at your library as well):

http://www.amazon.co...uiet susan cain

 

I'm a bit of an extrovert, married to a self-proclaimed introvert, and it helped us BOTH to read/hear her message.

AND to understand our similarly introverted middle child . . . !

[merry gardens]

I believe that she can be taught skills to help her be more communicative with others but I don't know where to start because this comes natural to most children. ...

I'm an introvert, but I agree with you that she can be taught skills to help her be more communicative with others. You've already taught her about smiling, which is good. I suggest you also teach her about how to read body language and how to engage in small talk.

[kroe1]

Theater training and then performing gave our introvert the skills to survive at times when she needs to be around large numbers of people.

 

 

[Amy Jo]

But being an introvert doesn't mean you are bad at public speaking.

 

My Mom did point out once that I had completely missed a person who smiled / nodded at me. I literally didn't notice. BUT I think if she'd made a habit of it or tried to 'fix' me without me initiating the desire to change, my teenage mind would have interpreted that as something being wrong with me.

 

Tread lightly. :p

[AKshanmar]

That was a great video! I'm an extro/intro-vert... who used to be really shy, and outgrew it. Back when I was in highschool and I was still shy, I came up with the epiphany, that everytime I caught myself not doing something because I was afraid, then I HAD to do it. This really changed my life, and broke me out of the shyness that limited me. Because the things that I wasn't doing were things I WANTED to do. However, as others have said, if she is comfortable being quiet, then, really, she is just fine. I know several people who are delightful people. Some hardly talk at all. They are dependable and peaceful. It is about who she wants to be.

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

Sounds like my oldest who was an extreme introvert. Even among his family. I did not push him to socialize but did require him to answer is spoken to...usually he did that with as few words as possible. Fast forward to now...he is in the military and has a position of authority. He has friends and is thriving. Not being "socialized" did not hurt him at all. I would not push her to be what she is not.

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

reported

[LibraryLover]

I have three insanely social children, and one very introverted one. The kid is fine. Content. Funny and smart. Just not a big talker. DC had had an interesting experience a a few weeks ago which would have a been a great story to tell sitting around the table at T'giving, but didn't tell it. Some extroverts would be drooling to tell such a story over and over, but my child is simply not one of those. Unless your dd is unhappy, try not to be concerned.

[AKshanmar]

 

I don't know what an extro/intro-vert is.

 

I just want to mention that being an introvert has nothing to do with being shy. I am not shy at all. I've performed on stage. I've given speeches and presentations. I will go after what I want no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. BUT I am very introverted. Doing all of these aforementioned things, going to school for nearly 20 years, and being "socialized" in a traditional way has not changed that in me.

 

Wendy-

I shouldn't post when I am rushed! As I reread my babble, I realize most of my points didn't even come out in my post. Sigh.

 

First, extrovert-introvert, I just made that up to describe myself. I am very social, I actually have a hard time not talking when I am with people, I like public speaking, I like groups, I like deep intense conversations. However, if I want to get anything done, I want to do it completely and totally alone. I don't like to work with people, or even visit with people when I am doing something. I am completely happy to have an empty house. I used to dream of the day that I would have all my kids in school and have a quiet house all day everyday. (Of course, that never happened, as we pulled all the kids out of school right before the youngest started!)

 

My dialog on my experience overcoming shyness, was supposed to be demonstrating the difference between being a shy extrovert, and just a plain old introvert. But I didn't actually get that point across! I WANTED to do things, that I was afraid to do. That is very different from having no desire to do them.

 

And then I tried to express how much I appreciate introverts. Sometimes they come across as snobbish to some people. But other than that they are delightful to be around. (Especially since I get to blab all I want.)

 

If her mom taught her anything, it would be great to give her some statements that help portray that she isn't be stuck up, but just quiet. That would help others appreciate who she is.

 

I hope I made more sense this time!

[Zebra]

Social anxiety and being an introvert are two different things.

 

Extroverts get energy from and seek out social interaction. Introverts get worn out by too much social interaction and don't seek it out as much. You can be a socially anxious extrovert. You can be a friendly introvert.

 

In response to the original poster, I am wary of making an introvert be something she isn't. You can learn to be polite in social situations without having to be overly friendly. I may be wrong but I am sensing that you think there is something wrong with your daughter being an introvert, and that's just not the case. Is she comfortable with the way things are? Can she order at a restaurant and be polite to cashiers? If she can't make polite exchanges with people like this, then it's not simply being an introvert.

 

I also have seen that introverts really blossom and come into their own when they become adults.

[AKshanmar]

WendyK-

Yep!

We went to a conference this summer, and the main speaker had just been to a "Public Speakers" conference of some sort. He said that, his wife hates these things because it is just a giant group of extroverts. He said that they say things like "Enough about me. Let's talk about you.... What do you think of me?" Hee hee.

[lllll]

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