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At my wits end with "typical boy" behavior


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My nearly 10 yo boy is making me a bit crazy.

 

This boy is a fun, energetic, very bright kid. He is the kind of kid that finds fun in everything, loves to be with people, loves to learn, is good to go for any activity, acts like everything we do is the greatest thing ever, etc. So, he is a very fun kid with a lot going for him.

 

However, he is loud, impulsive, rough...all those things which people call "typical boy" behavior. We go to co-op and he has trouble staying quiet in class, sitting still, and behaving appropriately in a class setting. It isn't terrible behavior. I've only once in several years been contacted by a teacher because he was being disruptive but I know his behavior requires a fair amount of management at the classroom level. I've walked down a hallway and seen him sitting outside a classroom taking a 5 minute break, for example. He's the kind of kid that the teacher should probably separate from other boys like him. He needs lots of reminders to wait his turn to talk. If he is near other boys in class or in line he will likely end up pushing and shoving, etc. He will occasionally get caught up in playground squabbles with other boys.

 

I have raised other boys who were not like this so I am at a loss. I am very frustrated with this behavior and often avoid social situations because of it. I do not believe he has any undiagnosed issues. I have tried everything I know of to work with him. I am just growing very tired of it. I have talked to other moms with older kids about it and the response is always "he's a boy". I do notice other kids just like him so I don't believe his behavior is totally outside the norm. I think he is on the less well behaved side of standard behavior for his age. However, I am growing very frustrated. The older he gets, the less patient I am with these things. He does have consequences for behavior that is not socially appropriate.

 

I guess I've rambled on just to try to explain his behavior. What I really want to know is when do they start to outgrow this sort of thing? If this is "typical boy" behavior when does it start to improve? Is there any light? I want to know we are at the tail end of this thing. But, if it isn't going to change anytime soon, I need to ready myself for that too.

 

Anyone have any hope or encouragement to offer? He is really an amazing kid and I think he will do great things. He's just making people around him crazy in the meantime.

 

Just to clarify- I do not excuse his misbehavior as "typical boy" stuff. Dh and I do address it and teach and he has consequences. Honestly, it just doesn't seem to make much impact.

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I could have written this.

 

I remember having a pack of brothers all like this. One in particular drove me wild. WILD. He is now a staid attorney and the pillar of the family. However, he made squealing tire noises in the car until AGE 17!

 

We work on lots of exercise (which we started very young: I wanted kiddo to grow strong bones with good solid attachments for muscles and a density that would serve him in his later years). LOTS. As in more than 3 hours a day.

 

I work at keeping him on task. For me, the challenge is that his brain is so much more mature, one expects more mature behavior. I mean, if a child can compare some complex technology with a ancient one from Egypt, and mention whose tomb has a painting/model of it, spontaneously, one would think he has enough sense to firmly turn the water off after being asked 4 times ......

 

I try to catch him being good.

 

I have very firm lines which are NOT to be crossed, but within those lines I try to be mellow.

 

I use the think-it-over techniques from raising a thinking child.

 

I am honest. I tell him how I feel, even when I'm not happy with him. Not meanly, but honestly ("I cannot concentrate when you are meowing all the time, and I need to get this done. Do you really want a frustrated and snappy mommy? Pipe down or go outside and meow.")

 

"These things, too, shall pass."

 

I have hubby take him out for a run when I can't stand it anymore!

 

(And I ask forgiveness from the "I can't believe a mother of an only is giving advice" and the "You're not even a SAHM" crowds, although I happily report those crowds have been holding their tongues recently. :closedeyes: )

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Well, my 10 yr old is very similar to yours...his impulsiveness is highly annoying. Non of my other kids are as impulsive as he is. He will talk your ears off for hours on end if you allow, he fidgets, slides out of chairs and just shuts down on his school work if he feels he will fail or isn't interested... He is now on adderall for adhd and I have seen a great deal of improvement. I don't get as frustrated with him and he is able to sit still, finish his assignments and just now accomplished reading the story of Odyssey in one week and KNEW the material when I quizzed him.

 

Not saying your son is ADHD but just stating mine acts like yours and IS ADHD.

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Thanks, both of you. It helps to not be alone. I know I'm not alone because I see other boys like this but it still feels lonely sometimes.

 

It is tiring and it affects the rest of the family. Sometimes I just pass on social outings because I just can't predict was messes he will get into.

 

Not sure about the ADHD. I would have said that wasn't a possibility in the past but as he gets older I do wonder if there is something else going on.

 

There is so much more to him than his behavior issues. I am trying so hard to help him learn the right way to behave without constantly criticizing him. It does get the best of me, sometimes, though. I get frustrated and dwell on his mistakes more than is productive- for either one of us.

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Sometimes I just pass on social outings because I just can't predict was messes he will get into.

 

 

 

Hmmmm. This part we don't have. What kind of messes do you mean? Running off? Being sassy to others? Being mean to others? Not able to keep quiet when it is appropriate?

 

For us, it has a lot to do with seeing his motivation. I had such a hard time getting him to sit and eat and dress today, and then I realized his dad had put out his skis in the living room. Every time I dropped my observation, he was back in those boots practicing. I finally saw the pattern and had his father remove the skis from the house, and boom, kiddo's goals were much more what I wanted (skiing is his most favorite thing in the world). Next thing I knew he was dressed and eating breakfast with binoculars held to his head, explaining how "that nervous squirrel was daring to come close to the house to get something as palatable as the dried corn I just threw outside".

 

So, if I can shine a light in on what kiddo's motivation is for the moment, I have a much better idea of how to help him see doing what is asked/expected of him is desirable for both of us. This can be summarized in the IF/THEN idea.

 

"If you delay going to the park to pogo, then the sun will be setting and you'll miss out."

"If you don't do your math drill before I get home, then you will be late for gym class."

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Messes he gets into- general difficulty in group settings. Seems like attention seeking behavior most of the time. If he is in a class he is the kid waving his hand around constantly because he always has something to add. If another kid says something silly he can't just smile and move on. He immediately get silly and starts fooling around. He does get into conflicts with other kids. He is very small for his age and can be annoying so kids pick on him. He overreacts. He did have an incident when a boy was picking on ds and pushed him and my ds hit the boy. Then they both ran off laughing and forgot about the whole thing. But I had fallout to manage with the other mom.

 

As far as I see he annoys kids or kids see him as an easy target because of his personality. Then he is quick to escalate and yell back at the kid or retaliate.

 

He's a handful on a few fronts. He seeks attention by being loud/ always having something to say/always trying to insert himself in the action. He is quick to react to other kids picking at him. He seems to lack the ability to pick up on social cues (like when he is annoying a teacher). All around lack of self control.

 

I know other moms who have kids who act the exact same way and they do not appear upset by it so I think some of my frustration is brought on by my own expectations and that I am too sensitive to criticism of him :sad:

 

I did not have these issues with my older boys but I can look and see how birth order has probably played a role as far as his attention seeking.

 

I do try really hard to give him tons of positive and neutral attention. Never seems to be enough.

 

I have reached out for guidance from other people who interact with him and all seem to always indicate that it is just rowdy boy behavior.

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Messes he gets into- general difficulty in group settings. Seems like attention seeking behavior most of the time. If he is in a class he is the kid waving his hand around constantly because he always has something to add. If another kid says something silly he can't just smile and move on. He immediately get silly and starts fooling around.

 

I have reached out for guidance from other people who interact with him and all seem to always indicate that it is just rowdy boy behavior.

 

This is beyond my knowledge, but I do know my fellow really sobers up and complies in a boy's only gymnastics class where the teacher makes them do extra pushups for such things. He *loves* the class, and is very aware of the rules. I actually moved classes to keep the same teacher (who is only 20 himself, but very strict without shouting or being mean). Could your fellow be needing an organized sport with an outside authority and peer pressure to behave?

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