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Would this upset you or am I overreacting?


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Ok, maybe I'm just extra sensitive. Dh and I have been married for 18 years and we have 3 kids.

For Thanksgiving we met his mother and her boyfriend at a cabin in the mtns. The boyfriend's son's family, whom we've never met before, came too. The family included a single young woman who is only a few years younger than me - she was friendly and outgoing (but still lives at home with her parents and acts like she's 22).

 

Dh is usually a good guy, but while I basically got dumped on by his mother and had to plan Thanksgiving dinner and buy a lot of the food at the last minute, dh played board games with the other people. Later on that evening, I had the chance to join in. He seemed really "chummy" with this woman and immediately after the game he asked her to play another game with him - he then noticed me still sitting there and offhandedly asked if I wanted to play too. The next morning, while I was cooking away in the kitchen (dh didn't even come say hello to me or offer to help), he asked that woman to play a game with him again. I gave him the evil eye, but he thought it was bc he didn't offer to help and made some excuse that I shouldn't be in the kitchen that early anyway (9am - we were eating at 1). About an hour later, I looked over and he was grabbing someone's arm from behind to play fight with them. I thought it was our 12 year old - but then realized it was that woman. The rest of the day, they played several games and kept joking back and forth and sitting next to each other. Dh pretty much blew me off and didn't offer to help me at all. That evening, I called him out on that and what I perceived as flirting. He told me that the woman reminded me of a friend of ours (a married, 45 yo, loud yet fun friend) and his goal for the "vacation" was to play board games and have fun. I told him that it was inappropriate for him to touch any women like he did her (especially one he just met) and that it was wrong for him to let his mom dump on me, ignore me, and not help me while he played board games the entire time. He did admit that he was being a jerk but insisted that how he interacted with the woman was not wrong in any way.

 

He's a friendly guy and some people bring out his fun side (I don't); he'll joke with certain MARRIED female friends of both of ours, but never touches them or grabs them in anyway. And I've certainly never seen him act that way with someone he just met! My kids commented later that day that this woman reminded them of my sister and that daddy was treating her like their aunt.

 

I'm never been jealous before,but he's never acted like this before; it made me feel extremely uncomfortable.

 

Any opinions? Am I just oversensitive? I'm still fuming...

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Um, I would be extremely upset with my dh if he was play fighting\wrestling with a woman he just met...or any woman other than his own sisters (blood relative) That would be completely inappropriate behavior in our relationship. In addition, I think you are rightly annoyed that you seemed to be getting strapped with all the work...forget why your husband wasn't helping (which my dh would be getting an ear full about too), but why was this other GROWN woman not helping?!

 

I would tell my husband matter of factly that even if his intentions with this other woman were just to goof around and have fun it made you feel very uncomfortable and hurt that he didn't spend that time with you. I wouldn't argue about it...just tell him that you are really disappointed in his disregard for your feelings.I would try to move past it at this point but make sure he understands that in the future he needs to be more aware of how his behavior affects you and that you WILL NOT be the cook for his families vacations. If the work can't be shared equally then you will not be attending.

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I'm ballsy enough that I would have said something then and there, "I need some help in the kitchen!"

 

I went through being the cook/scullery maid our 1st Christmas together, and Wolf's sister's place. He ended up coming in and helping when he realized what was going on.

 

Since then, I have no hesitation in letting ppl know that what's going on isn't acceptable, and either ppl can pitch in, or I quit.

 

of course, becoming disabled makes me a whole lot less capable to start w/, and I refuse to be in pain b/c others aren't pitching in.

 

As for the flirting? Oh, so not happening. Period.

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Thanks for giving me validation. I really appreciate it.

 

I did ask him how he'd feel if I did the same thing and he didn't respond. I also told him that I don't plan on attending any more "family" get togethers like that one.

 

 

 

I think that it is common for women to be told to "calm down" (or some form of that) or that they are "overreacting." I think it's an extension of the cultures's dismissive attitude towards women's emotions and the support/encouragement we give them in terms of sexual prowess.

 

I think the truth is often that women are reacting to a series of clues that add up to a conclusion. I think this is your situation. You reacted to tone, emotion, behavior, and attitude.

 

The truth is that it is totally normal and expected that individuals will be attracted to and "click with" people other than their partner. But if you've parterned in an arrangment that disallows ever being with another person intimately, flirty behavior with another person is a *choice* that needs to be avoided.

 

It sounds like your DH was attracted to this woman, acted on it violating the nature of your relationship, and denied it.

 

I'd be livid.

 

(This assumes to be true what you shared; that you do not have these moments often and that chronic jeasousy and insecurity is not present.)

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Okay, I just asked my husband what he thought about another husband acting that way and he shook his head and said, "oh, that poor man". I asked him what he meant and he said that if he behaved that way he would expect a severe tongue lashing, to sleep on the couch a few nights, and to be told in no uncertain terms that this woman might as well have leprosy as far as any further contact with her. So, I asked him if he wouldn't behave that way just for fear of retribution by me and he said no, he wouldn't behave that way due to respect for me.

 

However, he did go on to explain that, especially if a man feels something lacking in their life, if a woman other than their wife shows them attention they will often get caught up in the moment in an attempt to fulfill that lack. For example, if you aren't the fun loving, play fighting, game playing person your husband wishes you were he might have gotten excited to have the opportunity to play that out. He also believes that some men just can't keep things in perspective when other women show them attention. He says that's why it's so easy for some women to manipulate some men. I think there is truth in what he is saying...not saying your husband is easily manipulated...just speaking generally.

 

I'm sorry your husband was an idiot. I would try not to get angry, but just explain to him that in the future he needs to consider his behavior better.

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Even if your husband had innocent intentions, the other woman might not have taken it that way. It's very irresponsible behavior at best. I'd say so to him (but not in anyone else's earshot).

 

Hopefully nothing of this nature will happen again, but if it does, call the woman to help you in the kitchen. And send your husband out to chop firewood or something. :)

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Aime,

Your post makes sense. I'm not naturally a game playing person. He's always known that. However, we do have a family game "breakfast" at home, one day each week; so he's not deprived :). And I did want to play games with everyone - I just couldn't bc I had to do the Thanksgiving stuff. I agree that I should have spoken up about getting dumped on. I truly thought about hitting dh on the head with a frying pan to knock some sense into him.

 

SKL - I thought the same thing. It is possible that, if he really was clueless, she, as a single woman, might have thought otherwise.

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I think that it is common for women to be told to "calm down" (or some form of that) or that they are "overreacting." I think it's an extension of the cultures's dismissive attitude towards women's emotions and the support/encouragement we give them in terms of sexual prowess.

 

I think the truth is often that women are reacting to a series of clues that add up to a conclusion. I think this is your situation. You reacted to tone, emotion, behavior, and attitude.

 

The truth is that it is totally normal and expected that individuals will be attracted to and "click with" people other than their partner. But if you've parterned in an arrangment that disallows ever being with another person intimately, flirty behavior with another person is a *choice* that needs to be avoided.

 

It sounds like your DH was attracted to this woman, acted on it violating the nature of your relationship, and denied it.

 

I'd be livid.

 

(This assumes to be true what you shared; that you do not have these moments often and that chronic jeasousy and insecurity is not present.)

:iagree:

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I think that it is common for women to be told to "calm down" (or some form of that) or that they are "overreacting." I think it's an extension of the cultures's dismissive attitude towards women's emotions and the support/encouragement we give them in terms of sexual prowess.

 

I think the truth is often that women are reacting to a series of clues that add up to a conclusion. I think this is your situation. You reacted to tone, emotion, behavior, and attitude.

 

The truth is that it is totally normal and expected that individuals will be attracted to and "click with" people other than their partner. But if you've parterned in an arrangment that disallows ever being with another person intimately, flirty behavior with another person is a *choice* that needs to be avoided.

 

It sounds like your DH was attracted to this woman, acted on it violating the nature of your relationship, and denied it.

 

I'd be livid.

 

(This assumes to be true what you shared; that you do not have these moments often and that chronic jeasousy and insecurity is not present.)

:iagree:

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Ok, maybe I'm just extra sensitive. Dh and I have been married for 18 years and we have 3 kids.

For Thanksgiving we met his mother and her boyfriend at a cabin in the mtns. The boyfriend's son's family, whom we've never met before, came too. The family included a single young woman who is only a few years younger than me - she was friendly and outgoing (but still lives at home with her parents and acts like she's 22).

 

Dh is usually a good guy, but while I basically got dumped on by his mother and had to plan Thanksgiving dinner and buy a lot of the food at the last minute, dh played board games with the other people. Later on that evening, I had the chance to join in. He seemed really "chummy" with this woman and immediately after the game he asked her to play another game with him - he then noticed me still sitting there and offhandedly asked if I wanted to play too. The next morning, while I was cooking away in the kitchen (dh didn't even come say hello to me or offer to help), he asked that woman to play a game with him again. I gave him the evil eye, but he thought it was bc he didn't offer to help and made some excuse that I shouldn't be in the kitchen that early anyway (9am - we were eating at 1). About an hour later, I looked over and he was grabbing someone's arm from behind to play fight with them. I thought it was our 12 year old - but then realized it was that woman. The rest of the day, they played several games and kept joking back and forth and sitting next to each other. Dh pretty much blew me off and didn't offer to help me at all. That evening, I called him out on that and what I perceived as flirting. He told me that the woman reminded me of a friend of ours (a married, 45 yo, loud yet fun friend) and his goal for the "vacation" was to play board games and have fun. I told him that it was inappropriate for him to touch any women like he did her (especially one he just met) and that it was wrong for him to let his mom dump on me, ignore me, and not help me while he played board games the entire time. He did admit that he was being a jerk but insisted that how he interacted with the woman was not wrong in any way.

 

He's a friendly guy and some people bring out his fun side (I don't); he'll joke with certain MARRIED female friends of both of ours, but never touches them or grabs them in anyway. And I've certainly never seen him act that way with someone he just met! My kids commented later that day that this woman reminded them of my sister and that daddy was treating her like their aunt.

 

I'm never been jealous before,but he's never acted like this before; it made me feel extremely uncomfortable.

 

Any opinions? Am I just oversensitive? I'm still fuming...

 

One thing I have learned is that I have never, ever been jealous like this without reason. If I'm feeling something is not right, it is not right. I am never wrong about that, and wasn't through the many years of my dating (I married at almost 30).

 

So, no, you are not overreacting. If it didn't feel right, it wasn't right.

 

At least you don't have to see her again. But I would have totally called him out too, and insisted he help me with HIS family.

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Um, I would be extremely upset with my dh if he was play fighting\wrestling with a woman he just met...or any woman other than his own sisters (blood relative) That would be completely inappropriate behavior in our relationship. In addition, I think you are rightly annoyed that you seemed to be getting strapped with all the work...forget why your husband wasn't helping (which my dh would be getting an ear full about too), but why was this other GROWN woman not helping?!

 

 

If the work can't be shared equally then you will not be attending.

 

Yes, to both.

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Truthfully?

 

Sounds like the family friend (single gal) was using her feminine wiles to charm... and it worked. He fell for it, hook, line & sinker.

Which makes me wonder of his issues when HE CHOSE to play along and ignore your feelings.

 

I dunno... but he has a LOT of explaning to do. Has he behaved like this before???

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Harriet,

What you said is very true. I'm definitely not chronically jealous or insecure about our relationship (well, at least I wasn't until a few days ago). When I told him that his flirting was really bothering me - he said, "I'm surprised - you're usually not the jealous type".

Tranquil mind - I think that's very true. I've never felt "threatened" when he's joked with women before, but this time, something wasn't right.

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I think that it is common for women to be told to "calm down" (or some form of that) or that they are "overreacting." I think it's an extension of the cultures's dismissive attitude towards women's emotions and the support/encouragement we give them in terms of sexual prowess.

 

I think the truth is often that women are reacting to a series of clues that add up to a conclusion. I think this is your situation. You reacted to tone, emotion, behavior, and attitude.

 

The truth is that it is totally normal and expected that individuals will be attracted to and "click with" people other than their partner. But if you've parterned in an arrangment that disallows ever being with another person intimately, flirty behavior with another person is a *choice* that needs to be avoided.

 

It sounds like your DH was attracted to this woman, acted on it violating the nature of your relationship, and denied it.

 

I'd be livid.

 

(This assumes to be true what you shared; that you do not have these moments often and that chronic jeasousy and insecurity is not present.)

 

And I agree again with Joanne. Exactly right!

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ummm....I cannot even put into words what I what feel like to doing to my husband if he did that to me!!! Not only did he do it in front of you but also his kids and his family????

He disgraced himself, allowed you to get treated poorly, embarrassed you, and acted like a little high school immature idiot with no care in the world but himself. I don't care what reasons he had, or if you ever played a game with him in your life, there is NO excuse for what he did. None.

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Thanks again ladies.

 

Tex-Mex - you may also be right about her. I may be totally wrong in saying this, but the way she acted reminded me of one of my husband's old coworkers who was known for having many flings and affairs. She acted more like a teenager than a woman in her 30s. She may have very well have been after him. Doesn't excuse his behavior, but...

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He has boundary issues. It is not ok for him to dismiss your feelings about how he interacts with other women. This is a big red flag to me.

 

Also, don't think some people are "safe" to flirt with because they are married. The rate of marital infidelity is high.

 

((mom32boys))

 

 

TOTALLY true!! Flirting is just not right if you are married, I dont care with who. No one is "safe" and no one is immune to where it can lead.

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Sorry, but I really dislike this statement. PEOPLE can be such jerks. It's absolutely *not* a male condition.

 

:iagree:

 

One thing I have learned is that I have never, ever been jealous like this without reason. If I'm feeling something is not right, it is not right. I am never wrong about that, and wasn't through the many years of my dating (I married at almost 30). So, no, you are not overreacting. If it didn't feel right, it wasn't right. At least you don't have to see her again. But I would have totally called him out too, and insisted he help me with HIS family.

 

:iagree: I always trust my gut. It has never been wrong.

 

Once my gut was confused, but it was a confusing situation. I thought she was interested in my husband. She was actually interested in *me*.

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I would have been upset by first sentence in second paragraph of your post: your carrying of a disproportionate share of feast preparation.

 

The rest of it ........ I would have remained mum around the others but husband and I would have to "make a quick shopping trip for a few items." In privacy of vehicle I would have explained exactly how I felt disrespected and would not have accepted any "boys will be boys" baloney.

 

Later at home we would have a long heartfelt discussion about our expectations of each others' behavior for the marriage to last.

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I would be angry, but mostly, I'd be hurt.

 

I'm my hubby's "special one." I'm the WIFE. The chosen one. The one he can flirt with, play with, laugh with, be silly with, dream with, plan with, cry with, etc.etc.

 

I'm also the one who can give him enough grace to allow him to make mistakes, but who has enough guts and enough openess to call him on the carpet when he screws up.

 

Yours screwed up. I'm sorry he doesn't see it.

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Chris, so much wisdom in your post. As usual.

 

I would be angry, but mostly, I'd be hurt.

 

I'm my hubby's "special one." I'm the WIFE. The chosen one. The one he can flirt with, play with, laugh with, be silly with, dream with, plan with, cry with, etc.etc.

 

I'm also the one who can give him enough grace to allow him to make mistakes, but who has enough guts and enough openess to call him on the carpet when he screws up.

 

Yours screwed up. I'm sorry he doesn't see it.

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Well, if it were my dh, I would know exactly what was going on- he acts like that whenever his mom is around. He's the family baby, and get mom in the room, he's right back there. Doesn't pick up a dish, help with anything- normally he is not like this, but around his mom he reverts to "little boy" mode. I also don't want to fuss at him in front of his parents- who wants a scene at the holidays- and he tends to exploit that.

 

It's totally frustrating.

 

I didn't see the interaction, but to me it just sounds like horsing around, and his interactions with the woman fit his "I'm just here to relax" outlook. She's part of the fun, you're working, lucky you, huh! I wouldn't necessarily think anything is going on that is untoward, other than your dh is in goof- off mode and being a thoughtless jerk. Which is certainly enough to be mad about!

 

Sorry he's being a pill. My inlaws are here and...yeah.

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Well, if it were my dh, I would know exactly what was going on- he acts like that whenever his mom is around. He's the family baby, and get mom in the room, he's right back there. Doesn't pick up a dish, help with anything- normally he is not like this, but around his mom he reverts to "little boy" mode. I also don't want to fuss at him in front of his parents- who wants a scene at the holidays- and he tends to exploit that.

 

It's totally frustrating.

 

I didn't see the interaction, but to me it just sounds like horsing around, and his interactions with the woman fit his "I'm just here to relax" outlook. She's part of the fun, you're working, lucky you, huh! I wouldn't necessarily think anything is going on that is untoward, other than your dh is in goof- off mode and being a thoughtless jerk. Which is certainly enough to be mad about!

 

Sorry he's being a pill. My inlaws are here and...yeah.

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I would have been beyond livid. I also would have stopped this nonsense right in its tracks.

 

Everyone in that house disrespected you by not saying anything about this behavior, and mil ignoring you was the icing on the cake. But I also think it was your responsibility to stop the nonsense and have others help you.

 

That said, i like Chris in VA's response better.

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My husband routinely would show 'courtesies' to women at community gatherings....spending exceedingly long periods of time in conversation with a woman or two. Zero courtesies provided wife before, enroute or while present at the gathering - & of course it was a fat zero regarding help with children/ or kitchen/ or other that I was engaged in helping with. -in fact, I might as well been invisible to him. He was there for himself, and in all practical sense took himself alone there (though we took 1 car).

Eventually, his interests kept him out as late as you can imagine Our marriage ended after my action to separate, then file divorce. All through those years, he was unwilling to take a step with me toward strengthening our marriage, setting our marriage right. Turns out we had different view of commitment and married life/family life. He told me once when he came home at 4am from a woman's side- that he "used to go to parties and travel, etc., before he was married" "and now he just works". sigh. I am sharing this, because....just maybe, had I been ruthless in addressing him early on, maybe I could have asked my parents to take our children and I in for 3 weeks or so..... & lend him the assist of a very clear message with punch. Maybe, maybe it would have turned out different.

 

The choices and behavior of your husband was indeed was WAY off.

As someone said- and he knows it, unless he is gluing himself into a denial pot! If manly enough he will come around to facing this 'small" breach in the marital fortress square on. I'd respectfully request (but if refused, I respectfully demand) that the two of you pick up your marital covenant and sit down with a third party that you both respect. Some one with excellent leadership ability, gentle, but who will hold you nailed to self-accountability. If husband refuses to do it (blah blah about you blowing it up into a mountain, will be my guess) - I'd advise taking family funds and go get yourself excellent counseling weekly for some minimum extended period. Keep inviting him to come along. But gain what wisdom you can from it to strengthen your decision -depositing it as in savings account. Hopefully you won't need to make a draw later. Also recommend coming up with policy concerning being in the presence of the lady.

 

so sorry to say all that I have, but certainly, your husband did allow an attraction to modify his behavior choices : (

Sandra

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I would consider this seriously. When he said, "you are not the jealous type" the answer was, "no I am not, so you need to see that your behavior is out of line."

 

I tell him under no circumstances is he to facebook friend her or begin an email relationship. If he does either of these things I would probably spend a few weeks with my parents to let him decide what he thinks he needs to do. But Under No Circumstances would I allow an E-relationship with this woman.

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Wow, yeah, I would have been totally ticked off! Unfortunately, I'm not great at keeping my mouth shut or waiting until the "right" moment to speak to someone about what's bothering me. I'm afraid I would have let them both have it then and there.

 

I hope your husband gets it together. He owes you a HUGE apology. And I'd watch that chick like a hawk.

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How did it happen that you got stuck with feast prep? I am thinking that there would have been no feast if there were multiple adults present who refused to participate in prep. We would have all gone out to Cracker Barrel or something and I would have been Cinderella at the ball with the rest of them. (Naturally I agree that your dh was WAY out of line in every way, as well.)

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