small town moms- are you allienated?

[caitlinsmom]

Do you feel allienated because you made the choice to homeschool? I know that while I have quite a large group of homeschoolers in my town I still feel left out. My friends dont really understand why we choose to. We are left out of social events because we dont know about them because they are sponsered by the schools. In our small town the local schools play a big part in community life and because we dont know about the goings on I feel a little left out. Anyone else feel like this?

[Parrothead]

Yup, right there with you.

 

You know how small towns are with everyone in your business. So lots of people knew we were the new people, and of course they knew we homeschooled. There was one woman I met my first month here and the first thing out of her mouth "wasn't hello, nice to meet you." It was, "I don't want to homeschool my children and I don't want to discuss it."

[Remudamom]

We're isolated. At first I was sad about being left out, then resigned, then happy to be free from the time constraints the PS puts on their families. We are usually the only homeschooling family around. Our small town revolves around the school and it's activities, and employs LOTS of people too.

 

For a long time now I've been joyful over the fact that I am left out. I don't see much I want to emulate around here.

[Remudamom]

Yup, right there with you.

 

You know how small towns are with everyone in your business. So lots of people knew we were the new people, and of course they knew we homeschooled. There was one woman I met my first month here and the first thing out of her mouth "wasn't hello, nice to meet you." It was, "I don't want to homeschool my children and I don't want to discuss it."

 

 

That's hysterical, and what was your reply? Our town is so small that we used to find out we were pregnant because our neighbors told us.

[Parrothead]

Well, I think I looked like :001_huh: and said something like, "Okaaaayy."

 

At that point we had been homeschooling for 4 years. I'd heard all the horror stories about people dis'in' homeschoolers. But I'd never thought to be reamed for it upon an introduction.

 

It is :lol: now. Then, I was just floored.

 

Oh, and the best thing. This lady has since moved to another state. Word got back to me that her kid had to be tutored because the kid was so far behind due to the crappy public school here.

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

Our small town is part of the county with the highest percentage of homeschoolers in the state. My next door neighbor and the neighbor 2 doors down homeschool. I literally know (of) dozens of homeschool families. The funny thing is we are not really close to any of them. Many homeschoolers attend a church in the next town, but we do not. Many of the area homeschoolers are big into the community sports leagues, we are not.

 

I know a lot of our "isolatedness" is because of me. I'm just not a social person. I'm not anti-social, but I want to do things that are important to me and my family, not just do for the sake of doing. Most of our social activities take place in the nearest city. I do feel lonely sometimes.

[Beth in OH]

Yes. When you're not in the schools or the church in small towns around here, you are extremely isolated. Even if you know everyone.

 

We moved to a large city so that my high school/middle school dd's could have friends.

 

Beth

[shalom22]

Yes. When you're not in the schools or the church in small towns around here, you are extremely isolated. Even if you know everyone.

 

We moved to a large city so that my high school/middle school dd's could have friends.

 

Beth

 

I live in a large city and I still find myself isolated for many of the same reasons that Virginia Dawn expressed.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

In my small town in the States, I didn't feel that way. We had a wonderful community of friends and had ample "socialization". Here, I absolutely feel isolated and often times extremely lonely. I'm starting to meet other women here who have dc and who homeschool, but, most don't. These are new women who have just moved in. The problem is, I don't want to overwhelm them with my excitedness! (is that a word?:001_huh:) It's been so long since I've had anyone to talk to about kids, marriage, life, homeschooling, that I don't want to come on too strong!

[shalom22]

In my small town in the States, I didn't feel that way. We had a wonderful community of friends and had ample "socialization". Here, I absolutely feel isolated and often times extremely lonely. I'm starting to meet other women here who have dc and who homeschool, but, most don't. These are new women who have just moved in. The problem is, I don't want to overwhelm them with my excitedness! (is that a word?:001_huh:) It's been so long since I've had anyone to talk to about kids, marriage, life, homeschooling, that I don't want to come on too strong!

 

Boy, do I know how you feel. We have several friends who homeschool, but for varied reasons we don't get together very often. So I know what you are going through and I haven't moved out of the country. I miss having a close friend to share experiences with and to just be able talk and visit. I do have a friend on this board that I get to visit with about once a week face to face. (Hi Lady Aberlin). I think that is one thing that I like about this board, so many others here that you can at least share some things with and enjoy each others experiences.:D

[BakersDozen]

I was just thinking yesterday about how isolated we are. When we lived in the Phoenix area we were involved in things, had many friends who hs'ed, but when we moved north to a smaller community everything changed. There are a large number of hs families yet no one really connects. I dropped out of the hs group because the activites were good except you couldn't bring younger siblings, so basically I would have to drive 30 minutes, drop my older dc off and either wait in the van or drive back. It was just ridiculous. You can't even bring dc to the meetings as there is no childcare. Everyone is really spread out geographically, too. I am so lonely and frustrated although the same time I've had to strengthen myself as I'm completely on my own.

[RoughCollie]

Everything here revolves around the public schools. About 6 years ago, I was told there were 12 homeschooling families in town, but I've never met or seen any of them. Pretty much, the Stepford wives ignore me. I don't care because I don't fit in with them anyway.

 

Generally speaking, the people in our town are not friendly. Our neighborhood is a good example: no one knows anyone or talks to anyone. We have lived in this house for 13 years and the neighbor on one side has spoken to me *twice* and the neighbor on the other side has said hi, in reply to my greeting, *once*.

 

I have made plenty of good friends over the last 18 years we have lived here, and every single one of them has moved out of state because of the cost of living, taxes, and so forth. Most moved down South (where I am from) and love it there because it is so different from up here in Massachusetts.

 

When we visit our relatives in the Georgia and Kentucky, my kids beg me to let us move there. They pick up on the cultural differences between north and south immediately. There are a lot of differences, believe me, and I am resigned to it, but I will never get used to it.

 

RC

[akmommy]

Yes, yes and yes!

There are alot of homeschoolers in our area but most are either Christian (we're not) or are homeschooling because their kids have had behavorial problems in PS. Most organized HS activities are open to all but unless you attend the right church or something you won't really ever be part of the group KWIM.

 

I try not to let it bug me too much, each of my kids have a friend or two and I have a couple friends I enjoy spending time with.

[fivetails]

Yeah kinda ... we don't know any other hs'ers in our town - we know others from towns around us, but only sort of...we've met them at events put on by the provincial hs group, but we don't "know" them. We're members of the group, but I've always had this odd feeling when we're at events - like we just don't quite fit in. Not sure why... it's a Christian group and we fit that way... I think it's partly because I have one hs'ing and one ps'ing - I've seen some frowns when I mentioned that. I think most of them have known each other for years as well....

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

We don't feel isolated but I hate suburbia regardless. We don't hang out with homeschoolers, generally. We have homeschool friends that live 30+ minutes away and we try to see them as often as we can. The homeschoolers I've met here in town are not my cup of tea, and my daughter doesn't like the kids all that much. All our in-town friends use either the public or the private day school.

[caitlinsmom]

I am glad to know its not just me. While we have events and things here I just dont feel like I fit in anyway. Now that dd is in 1st grade and all her church friends are to, I notice that we get fewer and fewer phone calls to play. DD is very social and active little girl and I feel like because of our decision to hs, she is losing some of her friends.

Our town has a pop of 3000 people and we are going to be moving to Northern Maine in 2 years. I saw that there is a group up there but I havent heard word back from the lady. I am worried that because we are from "away" and because we HS we arent going to have a very smooth transition. At least he we have a bit of pretense of belonging. lol

[Vida Winter]

Yep, kind of alienated here, but I sort of like it. I really love not being part of a homeschool group (there is none) and not feeling guilty about it.

 

I'm happy with my family, our dogs, and of course, a house full of books.

[Parrothead]

We moved to a large city so that my high school/middle school dd's could have friends.

 

We are looking to move to a bigger area too. I'm not so worried about dd having friends. She seems to have lots of them now. I've actually got 4 extra kids in my yard right now. I'm looking for access to extra-curriculars and maybe a homeschool group.

 

There are three other families that homeschool in our town, but they don't include us because of religious differences.

[caitlinsmom]

 

There are three other families that homeschool in our town, but they don't include us because of religious differences.

 

This is something that I just dont get. I notice that too. There is a definte sepperation between one relgion and the others. In fact the group that I could go to doesnt even have "others". Why do this????

 

Around here there seems to be an Us vs. Them type mentality. My area as a whole is accepting but there are snide comments made in my presence about other hsing fams. like "Oh since her kids are to smart for ps...." It irks me. These are the people I call my friends. I wonder what is said about me. I almost enrolled dd in a new charter school and you wouldnt belive the looks they gave me. I think they feel bcause I choose to hs that I am telling them they are choosing wrong.

[Denisemomof4]

Generally speaking, the people in our town are not friendly. Our neighborhood is a good example: no one knows anyone or talks to anyone. We have lived in this house for 13 years and the neighbor on one side has spoken to me *twice* and the neighbor on the other side has said hi, in reply to my greeting, *once*.

 

I have made plenty of good friends over the last 18 years we have lived here, and every single one of them has moved out of state because of the cost of living, taxes, and so forth. Most moved down South (where I am from) and love it there because it is so different from up here in Massachusetts.

 

Wow!!! I could have basically written all of that myself! I moved to NH from CA and it took me *16* years to call this home!!! It wasn't until we moved to a small town that I truly became happy. BUT, I had lost all my long term friends due to the reasons you mentioned! I now have a ton of out of state friends!

 

That said, I am blessed with some really wonderful, kindred spirited friends. I consider them sisters more than friends. I did meet them in church, however, but at my age (early 40's then, 45 now) I didn't expect to make close friends. I went years without close friends, the close friends you can REALLY talk to, because people in New England can just be so difficult! BUt I find those in small towns to be SO friendly. Since 9/11 I decided that life was too short, to HECK with people in New England, and reverted back to my old, extroverted California girl ways. And that's why I've made so many friends.

 

I love our small town but it does revolve around the public schools. When I had to take a small break from homeschooling and put my kids into school, boy did that make a difference! I *LOVED* our school in town here but it only goes up to 6th grade. After that kids go to school in the next town, and I HATE THE SCHOOL SYSTEM THERE, CAN'T STAND MANY OF THE TEACHERS, HECK, CAN'T STAND LOTS OF THE KIDS! It's really awful! My kids were even bullied by TEACHERS! Heck, my son started soccer and was bullied by the coach, who is actually also a SPECIAL EDUCATION TEACHER in that system. Honestly!!! What's up with that? That's why my girls will never go back to school. My boys are in that AWFUL town for now, one part time, the other full time unless his attitude gets bad. ;) I've seen changes since he entered school and I won't tolerate it. He's gotten The Warning. :001_smile:

 

We have acreage and own our side of the road, our TWO neighbors are on the other side. It's a one lane dirt road and we plow it during the winters. Our neighbors are back stabbing, out-for-themselves people so we've learned to do a LOT of smiling and nodding, waving, smiling more, thanking the Good Lord that we don't have to see them much. :lol:

 

Too bad MA is so far away! I'd be open to meeting and hanging out! :tongue_smilie:

 

Denise

[PrairieAir]

We live just outside a small town (population 1800) and we are somewhat isolated. We would probably be a little that way if we didn't homeschool as well. Actually, in a few weeks, all my kids (except for oldest who graduated) will be in public school and I imagine I'll remain pretty much the same as I am. It's my personality. I'm not the kind of person who can walk up and introduce themselves or jump into an activity or conversation without an invitation. I love people but even small crowds can wear me out and I need time alone to regroup.

 

Having kids in the public schools has helped me meet a few people, but not really strike up friendships. I have made some observations and have a few suggestions which might work for you if you want to become more involved.

 

1) School Games/Booster Club- Even if your kids don't go to the school, I'm sure they'd love help with fund raisers for the school sports teams and such. You and your family may enjoy going to some of the school football or basketball games as well. I don't like sports, so I'd prefer to be working the concession stand, but that still gets me out there meeting people.

2) Volunteer to work at your local polling place.

3) Volunteer to help at your local historical museum. A lot of small towns around here seem to have some sort of museum. They are usually staffed by volunteers, all of whom are usually elderly. They almost always need help with anything you can think of: cleaning, organizing displays, research. This could be a great history project for a homeschool family. Until youngest dd decided she wanted to try public school this year, I was planning on us volunteering one day a week and doing some research for part of our history. I'm a little disappointed dd won't be doing this with me, but I'm planning to do it anyway!

4) Shop local businesses. There is a hair stylist in a larger town nearby that I like, but I've decided to go with a local gal. She does a good enough job and is cheaper in time/money/gas. I can't do all of my grocery shopping here because they just don't have everything, but I do run into the tiny grocery once or twice a week to get a few things. I try to buy my gas at one of our two local stations as often as possible and have gotten tires repaired at the auto shop. I'm becoming more familiar with names and faces and people know me now, too. These things all provide a reason for me to talk to people--something I really need if I'm going to initiate contact.

5) Find out if your community has a local arts council and get involved. I was so impressed with the little town (pop.350) I visited this summer. They had a very active arts council (among other groups) and had organized summer activities and an art show. Our town's art and recreation council organizes summer classes. They're always looking for someone to teach a class, and they can be on anything you like.

6) Visit your local library. Maybe volunteer to help with a summer storytime or other activity.

[mommylawyer]

I feel a bit isolated. I have joined a couple of local home school groups online, but they never meet! [Although, my weekday schedule is a bit limited.] Although, I have been inspired (by another thread here) to have a "not back to school" party - and my invite the home schooling families I know.

 

I've learned you have to be proactive sometimes to make things happen!

[Scarlett]

Yup, right there with you.

 

You know how small towns are with everyone in your business. So lots of people knew we were the new people, and of course they knew we homeschooled. There was one woman I met my first month here and the first thing out of her mouth "wasn't hello, nice to meet you." It was, "I don't want to homeschool my children and I don't want to discuss it."

 

I bet you would have loved to say, 'Whew! I'm so relieved since I think you would be terrible at it.' :glare:

[Guest Katia]

Yes. Very alienated. We moved to central Iowa 9 years ago. Iowans are very 'surface' friendly; they will stop and help you along the road, they are great business people to deal with, they smile and talk at the checkout counters.....BUT....that is as far as it goes.

 

If you have not lived here forever, and have generations of family that came from this area, then you simply do not belong. We had a lady run for office here in town and people called her "that 'new' woman" and she had lived here for 10 years!!

 

There are 5,000 people in our town, and that includes the local community college population, and we have to drive 1 hour in any direction to get to ANY kind of town (shopping, malls, fast-food, good lessons for music, etc.). This town lives to serve and support the public school teachers and students. Even people with NO children in the system go to all the sports games, ect.

 

So....with my dc not in the public schools, they see us as not supporting the town, so therefore we are not deserving of their support.

 

There are several families that homeschool here, but their dc are quite a bit younger than ours (we were the only hs for a long time; some were here our dc's ages and then moved away) and they all have formed their own group with age-related activities. Also, they circle around their supervising teacher and we have never used a supervising teacher option. Exclusion again.

 

Our 'local' hs support group is a 45 min. drive away in an even smaller town than this one, and while they are all very polite and surface friendly, our girls have never been 'in' with this group. We are foreigners.

 

My oldest dd is SO excited to be leaving for college this fall. In one summer trip abroad (two weeks) she made more GOOD friends than all 9 years she has been here, so she is really looking forward to getting away.

 

I must say, I've spent 9 years trying and am ready to move just about any time.

 

Also, we have lived in Ohio, Kansas, Oklahoma, Michigan and Illinois. They were great states and we found the people really open and receptive. But, living in Iowa is like living in a totally different culture. It's just hard to describe.

 

Yes. Small towns alienate homeschoolers here.

[JennifersLost]

Yep. That's why I ended up with three out of four kids back in school. If we'd stayed in California none of them would have ever set foot in the door. It still makes me sad sometimes - like I didn't get to finish what I started, but we've moved on. For us it was just not meeting other kids.

[momof3gifts]

:iagree:We have lived in a lot of small towns- as military folk we are always in new small towns it seems like. We do have the military wives network to help but in general-- we don't find out about the neat things in town because we aren't connected to the public schools.

 

It was neat at our last place I met a school secretary on one of my kids teams and she put me on the mailing list so I could get information about the happenings and we even went to a couple of family friendly type public school activities (outdoor movies on the playground for example.)

 

I wish all towns could be welcoming and open with homeschoolers instead of defensive. The earlier poster who mentioned the ones you meet and they are immediately telling you that they aren't going to homeschool. ....

 

Just saying that I wouldn't mind a bigger city sometimes--our big city (2 hrs away) has homeschool basketball and baseball leagues...

[AmyP]

I feel a bit isolated. I have joined a couple of local home school groups online, but they never meet!

 

Angela, I think we may have recently joined the same local group - Hopefully we will get the chance to meet soon.

 

I can totally relate to living in a small town that revolves around it's "fabulous" schools.

 

Not for me.

 

Amy

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

I met a school secretary on one of my kids teams and she put me on the mailing list so I could get information about the happenings and we even went to a couple of family friendly type public school activities (outdoor movies on the playground for example.)

 

We do this too.

 

I gotta say, I just don't understand this attitude of "homeschool" vs. "public school".

 

There are quite a few people we know who probably don't even know we homeschool. It has just never come up in conversation as to what school dd goes to. I don't know what school some of her friends go to. To me, it's like where you shop. If you have on a nice blouse, I might ask you where you got it, but I wouldn't start out a conversation with, "So, where do you buy your clothes?"

 

If you go around with your nose in the air or think you are better than another parent because you homeschool, or that public school kids are bad kids, it is almost certain that you'll end up feeling alienated. From my observations, there is more bashing done of public school kids, parents, and even teachers done in the homeschool community than instances of public school parents bashing homeschoolers. No wonder in some places, people have a bad taste in their mouths about homeschooling. Heck, I homeschool, and often have a bad taste in my mouth about homeschooling.

 

Feeling alienated because one refuses to hang out with people who simply make other school choices is being alienated by choice.

[Lux Et Veritas Academy]

Everything here revolves around the public schools. About 6 years ago, I was told there were 12 homeschooling families in town, but I've never met or seen any of them. Pretty much, the Stepford wives ignore me. I don't care because I don't fit in with them anyway.

 

Generally speaking, the people in our town are not friendly. Our neighborhood is a good example: no one knows anyone or talks to anyone. We have lived in this house for 13 years and the neighbor on one side has spoken to me *twice* and the neighbor on the other side has said hi, in reply to my greeting, *once*.

 

I have made plenty of good friends over the last 18 years we have lived here, and every single one of them has moved out of state because of the cost of living, taxes, and so forth. Most moved down South (where I am from) and love it there because it is so different from up here in Massachusetts.

 

When we visit our relatives in the Georgia and Kentucky, my kids beg me to let us move there. They pick up on the cultural differences between north and south immediately. There are a lot of differences, believe me, and I am resigned to it, but I will never get used to it.

 

RC

 

 

I knew this had to be New England because I recognized the hospitality:) Our little town is all about the PS system, especially since we finally got a high school last year. People can't imagine why we don't attend the two new schools. Some look at us like we are crazy. But I love to bear a short testimonial about how homeschool changes your children and how close your children become too you......:) I throw in a few fieldtrip ideas and then smile :) because they are like "oh wow- I wish we had that" and I walk away and smile;)

[Melissa B]

Wow! I'm shocked to see the responses here. I wonder if those who do not feel isolated by their communities simply have not answered? We are way out in the country so we are isolated in that sense. But our little town has been very accepting. My kids are in karate and the karate instructor announces all community functions. We go to the Fourth of July celebration, the Halloween party, etc. We rarely use the library but one time that we did the librarian asked if I homeschooled and when I said that I did, she pointed out another woman in the library that ran a homeschool support group for the local counties. We do not belong to any homeschool groups (the only one in the area is religious.) We have been asked to join a couple of churches, but we have politely declined and it has never been brought up again. Our town seems quite friendly and accepting despite being very small (700 people) and certainly in the Bible belt. My kids don't have neighborhood children to play with or anything. But the kids from karate are great, everyone is nice at the local events and we feel we can count on any of our neighbors in an emergency and I hope they know they could count on us. I guess that is all we are looking, as we are very happy living in this community. We moved from a much larger city with lots of homeschool groups and neighbors, but it felt crowded and so many people on top of each other seemed to bring out the worst in the people around us. :)