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The sibling that teases...


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Help me out with consequences, please.

 

My oldest has had a pattern lately that I must address. He tricks, teases, and generally thinks it is funny to make his siblings squirm.

 

Much of this behavior I have ignored (bad mommy) and chalked it up to boy stuff. Bringing the bug to make the sister scream, jumping out and scaring his brother, etc.

 

This morning he tricked his little brother by putting yogurt on a chip and feeding it to his brother after telling him it was a nacho. It made his brother gag and it made me furious.

 

What is up with this child? He is usually very sweet. He seems remorseful when we discuss it, but he continues the behavior almost as if he can't help himself.

 

Help.

 

Please.

 

Jo

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Oh this is similar to my ds (10). I went in and yelled at him the other to scare him back since he did it to his brother! I was so annoyed with him. He just cannot help himself. Many members in my family are like this. I grew up with cousins and dad and uncles all doing the same things! I think it is in his blood.

 

He is an amazingly sweet boy too. And he is very sorry after the fact too. He lacks that impulse control given silly things like that. I talk to him about it a lot. I try to let him see what it is like from the other side of the view and how much it annoys the rest of us. Sometimes, I have retaliated by trying to scare the bejeebers out of him to let him know what it is like. Yeah, not the most mature response on my part. But since it is something that is not damaging (like hitting or the like) I figure a good startle won't kill him.

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Oh this is similar to my ds (10). I went in and yelled at him the other to scare him back since he did it to his brother! I was so annoyed with him. He just cannot help himself. Many members in my family are like this. I grew up with cousins and dad and uncles all doing the same things! I think it is in his blood.

 

He is an amazingly sweet boy too. And he is very sorry after the fact too. He lacks that impulse control given silly things like that. I talk to him about it a lot. I try to let him see what it is like from the other side of the view and how much it annoys the rest of us. Sometimes, I have retaliated by trying to scare the bejeebers out of him to let him know what it is like. Yeah, not the most mature response on my part. But since it is something that is not damaging (like hitting or the like) I figure a good startle won't kill him.

 

Is he just this way with his brother? My son never seems even the slightest bit interested in teasing friends.

 

It seems like a power thing. Would you agree? And in my situation I see that as equivalent to bullying- as sad as I am to admit my son might be a bully.

 

I am past the point of "talking" to him about it. It does seem to be escalating a little, and more importantly it is making one of his brothers miserable- truly frustrated to the point of tears. :glare:

 

I'm done. I need to see some change.

 

jo

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We went through that here for a while. It's frustrating on all accounts. I agree with you that it's a power struggle/bully issue.

 

I sat down with my son at a time when we were both calm and explained to him that his behavior was not acceptable and would not be tolerated. I also explained the consquences.

 

What worked with this child was having to spend time alone in his room (which was/is devoid of anything remotely interesting) for x amount of time. Depending on the age of the kid and the particular offense, it was generally 15-30 minutes. If he acted up at all during that time, I started the timer over again. When the time-out was up, he had to apologize to the brother he had tormented and to me. It didn't take too long for him to catch on that I meant business.

 

I hope you can find something that works in your house as well. It's a miserable way to live.

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Is he just this way with his brother? My son never seems even the slightest bit interested in teasing friends.

 

It seems like a power thing. Would you agree? And in my situation I see that as equivalent to bullying- as sad as I am to admit my son might be a bully.

 

I am past the point of "talking" to him about it. It does seem to be escalating a little, and more importantly it is making one of his brothers miserable- truly frustrated to the point of tears. :glare:

 

I'm done. I need to see some change.

 

jo

 

No, he is just jovial and joking in general. No matter who it is. That's just him! For him, I do not think it is bullying. He just thinks things like that are fun and funny. Like tapping you on one shoulder while standing on the other side of you as a joke. He is just silly like that. Annoying though, sometimes.

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No, he is just jovial and joking in general.
We have talks about "good goofy" and "bad goofy." "Bad goofy" is when someone else gets hurt or is *not* having fun. I'm honest with them in that "good goofy" and "bad goofy" are not universal. For example, some kids don't mind a bit (or even a lot) of teasing, others can't stand any. I'm pretty hands off with the kids, but always stop "bad goofy" and talk with the perpetrator. I don't use accusatory language, but help them understand that we have to look for cues from others. If I feel the behavior is intentionally provocative, the activity/playtime is finished without exception, and I explain why. I do try to frame it in terms of self control rather than punishment (which is essentially true, even when I'm irked). It's the one button I will not have pushed more than once.
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My older son gets this way every so often. It started when we moved here, when he was four, and his little brother was two. Big brother loved to jump up and scare little brother. Constantly.

 

Losing computer privileges for a week whenever he "forgot" and scared his brother was a very effective consequence, and the learning curve was steep.

 

We've had to re-institute this consequence when he gets the itch to tease his brother.

 

I've noticed teasing increases when his relationship with me is disconnected. He's asking for connection, for love, in an immature and negative way. So part of the solution for us has been for me to reassess my relationship with my son when he becomes a bully to his brother.

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We have talks about "good goofy" and "bad goofy." "Bad goofy" is when someone else gets hurt or is *not* having fun. I'm honest with them in that "good goofy" and "bad goofy" are not universal. For example, some kids don't mind a bit (or even a lot) of teasing, others can't stand any. I'm pretty hands off with the kids, but always stop "bad goofy" and talk with the perpetrator. I don't use accusatory language, but help them understand that we have to look for cues from others. If I feel the behavior is intentionally provocative, the activity/playtime is finished without exception, and I explain why. I do try to frame it in terms of self control rather than punishment (which is essentially true, even when I'm irked). It's the one button I will not have pushed more than once.

 

You have said this quite well. I like the way you are phrasing it. We try to discuss how to tell if someone is liking the fun or not. And to be kind and stop when they are not. Thanks for sharing.

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This morning he tricked his little brother by putting yogurt on a chip and feeding it to his brother after telling him it was a nacho. It made his brother gag and it made me furious.

 

 

Jo

 

Most of the behavior I would also ignore. But "tricking" is lying in my book. I've had this problem with my middle child. I jump on it quick. I do the same things as I do for lying (and I HATE lying). We talk about trust issues and the whole nine yards. She gets in big trouble and loses privileges, because we can't trust her when she plays these "tricks" or lies. She hasn't done this in a looong time. Sometimes she'll test us in her words with others but I always jump all over it.

Melissa

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Just a thought--could he be bored?

Maybe a new routine job or two is in order. Not as punishment, just the "idle hands" philosophy of child-rearing!:D

 

This is quite possible. We are still unpacking our house and school hasn't started up yet. He has been doing a lot of "babysitting" as I run around preparing for dh's deployment.

 

Still. He needs to treat his siblings with respect. Honestly? He has been in his room all day (by his choice after our talk) and the atmosphere among the other five children has been much better. :confused:

 

How could this pre-teen logic stage attitude cause so much havoc?

 

He needs some emotional tank filling.

 

Jo

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. . . you need to reach across the table, grab him by the shirt collar, drag him across the table until his nose touches yours, and say, very, very quietly, "Do. Not. Ever. Tease. Your siblings. Again."

 

It would be nice if you could arrange for him to do it while you're all homeschooling at the table instead of eating at the table, with papers and pencils and books to go flying rather than grandma's nice dishes.

 

And you should definitely do it now, while he's still 11 and you can still manhandle him without maiming yourself.

 

:D:D:D

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We went through that here for a while. It's frustrating on all accounts. I agree with you that it's a power struggle/bully issue.

 

I sat down with my son at a time when we were both calm and explained to him that his behavior was not acceptable and would not be tolerated. I also explained the consquences.

 

What worked with this child was having to spend time alone in his room (which was/is devoid of anything remotely interesting) for x amount of time. Depending on the age of the kid and the particular offense, it was generally 15-30 minutes. If he acted up at all during that time, I started the timer over again. When the time-out was up, he had to apologize to the brother he had tormented and to me. It didn't take too long for him to catch on that I meant business.

 

I hope you can find something that works in your house as well. It's a miserable way to live.

 

Thanks Amy. This sounds like a reasonable plan. If he can't get along...he can be by himself.

 

Jo

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. . . you need to reach across the table, grab him by the shirt collar, drag him across the table until his nose touches yours, and say, very, very quietly, "Do. Not. Ever. Tease. Your siblings. Again."

 

It would be nice if you could arrange for him to do it while you're all homeschooling at the table instead of eating at the table, with papers and pencils and books to go flying rather than grandma's nice dishes.

 

And you should definitely do it now, while he's still 11 and you can still manhandle him without maiming yourself.

 

:D:D:D

 

See? Now I forgot about the collar grab. Dagummit. I had the speech correct though. ;)

 

Jo

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