How many INFJ moms in here?

[sherideane]

...And did you find it difficult to organize the homeschooling and your SELF, when you first started? Can you describe how you found your "flow"?

 

I read that INFJs have difficulty matching their very high ideals for organization to their ability to accomplish them (something about INF being in conflict with J)... That really struck me and I had to acknowledge that I wanted to accomplish Martha Stewart-level perfection in my household, but without the hardcore skills/focus/time/focus/discipline/focus... you get the idea. While I'm learning to "let go" of a few things regarding the fantasy of a perfectly organized and clean household, I find it still causes anxiety in homeschooling.

 

~LaLaMom

[Rosie_0801]

Uh. I think pregnancy taught me there was no way to get an A+ at this. I go with what my mother used to say about school grades: "As long as you did your best..." It's not always a good best, but it's all I've got. At least I'm here and still trying.

[Elizabeth in MN]

I'm an INF/TJ. My F and T need to agree. The stereotype is that an INFJ is a great crazy artist and an INTJ is a banker. So yes, I hyper plan and not even close to it all gets done and then I re-read "The Latin-Centered Curriculum" and I cut back and things are great and then my child complains there is no logic and not enough science and the whole vicious cycle begins again.

[Harriet Vane]

Depending on my mood when testing I fall into either INFJ or INFP.

 

I do find it difficult to reconcile my ideals with my reality. Reality is often messier and less organized.

 

I am motivated by deadlines, and tend to work at a higher level when I am accountable to others. Therefore I teach co-op classes--writing, jr high literature, high school Modern Lit and high school Modern History. The writing students pay for other co-op classes for my kids (Spanish, volleyball, biology) and the lit classes are purely to make sure my kids get the best of what I offer as a teacher (though it's nice that I am paid, too).

 

Another thing that helps me are some posts I read on Mental Multivitamin. Melissa's reminder to read, think, learn each day is inspiring to me, as well as some of her posts that remind me of my duty to teach, and teach well.

 

When things are really nuts, a good field trip and a tidy-up of academic materials does wonders for freshening everyone up. Another option I like to use if a field trip out of the house is unrealistic for some reason is to plug the kids in front of a good nature or history documentary. They like the change in routine, and I get a couple hours to tidy up the academics.

 

I decided years ago on two things--one is to accept who I am and work WITH that rather than beating myself up for what I am not. For example, I am not a morning person. At all. It is VERY hard to drag myself into coherence in the morning, and part of that is related to chronic anemia and vitamin D deficiency. I spent a few years beating myself up for not getting school started earlier. Everything changed for the better, though, when we changed our morning routine. When the kids were younger, that meant that dh got them up and gave them breakfast early, before leaving for work. When he left the house, the kids would come into bed with me. They would read or do worksheets while I sipped some tea. When I felt awake enough, I would do read-alouds there on my bed. This way they got started, and I got to wake up slowly, in bed, at my own pace. Now that the kids are older, it's a little different. They start their work when I tell them to do so, and I sip my tea and read the paper (and the board!) online until 9ish, then we come together for various things. Either way, the point is that I work WITH my personality rather than feeling guilty for what I am not.

 

The other thing that has helped me is to decide on a bottom line--if nothing else, I will do ________ well. For me, that meant making sure the kids had Bible study, math, and literature. No matter what, I would make sure those things got done, and I would give just those things the best attention I could. Yes, we do other subjects too, and I strive to do them well also, but rather than beating myself up for not being perfect at all subjects, I try really hard to make sure I have done WELL in those three.

[OrdinaryTime]

I am an INFJ. I sometimes pity my poor children with my insane expectations of perfection, put upon myself more than anyone else, which often turns me into a crazy person. I was very relieved when I finally read a few descriptions of the INFJ type and realized I wasn't just a nutcase. I've sorta come to peace with the fact that I'm never going to have a lot of internal peace. :-)

 

The internal shift that has helped me most in the homeschooling area is realizing that I don't have to accomplish so much through the schooling time itself. As an INFJ, I felt everything had to be accomplished through our homeschool, and it all had to be done perfectly. Realizing that I could focus on building certain character traits/virtues in my kids through our intellectual endeavors, but use other areas of their life (chores, sports, music, friendships, etc.) to work on other aspects of their formation was a turning point for me. I use our intellectual work to focus on encouraging wonder and awe, to build the faculty of attention, and stimulate curiosity. I do NOT use it to focus strong on diligence and perserverance; I focus on those traits though their manual labor (chores). Now I can let myself not check every item off a list or skip a problem or two when schooling because the focus at that time is not simple endurance. That is focused on at a different time. Similarly, if the kids aren't finding much joy in their chores, I can just work on pushing through with them because that is the focus at that time. I know we will work on finding joy in our intellectual work. Eventually, I hope the different "ideals" I am working on in different areas will build upon each other and flow in and out of different aspects of my kids lives into a more harmonious whole. But right now, this paradigm has allowed me to hold on to my ideals (because I honestly cannot just let them go) while bringing some peace to myself and our home.

[EmmaNadine]

I started with a very small list of goals. That way, I could get them accomplished. Once I had that working to my satisfaction, then I could add something new. I tried to get each curriculum finalized before I would try adding in the next topic. That way I didn't feel like I was failing on too many fronts at once.

[NASDAQ]

I am an INFJ, but I have only a very vague desire to have a Martha Stewart blog-perfect house and life. I don't actually attempt to _achieve_ this. It mostly affects me when I'm feeling somewhat depressed or blue in general. It doesn't affect my home schooling much. I think I'm much better at getting academic work done than I am at getting housework done.

 

I make a rough schedule of how long I expect things to take and I put it into gmail. I also have a spreadsheet where I check off each thing that gets done each day. I'm also insanely bloody-minded, so things really do get done. Going with the flow is find of mandatory -- the important thing is that it gets done, every single day.

[justamouse]

I am an INFJ. I sometimes pity my poor children with my insane expectations of perfection, put upon myself more than anyone else, which often turns me into a crazy person. I was very relieved when I finally read a few descriptions of the INFJ type and realized I wasn't just a nutcase. I've sorta come to peace with the fact that I'm never going to have a lot of internal peace. :-)

 

The internal shift that has helped me most in the homeschooling area is realizing that I don't have to accomplish so much through the schooling time itself. As an INFJ, I felt everything had to be accomplished through our homeschool, and it all had to be done perfectly. Realizing that I could focus on building certain character traits/virtues in my kids through our intellectual endeavors, but use other areas of their life (chores, sports, music, friendships, etc.) to work on other aspects of their formation was a turning point for me. I use our intellectual work to focus on encouraging wonder and awe, to build the faculty of attention, and stimulate curiosity. I do NOT use it to focus strong on diligence and perserverance; I focus on those traits though their manual labor (chores). Now I can let myself not check every item off a list or skip a problem or two when schooling because the focus at that time is not simple endurance. That is focused on at a different time. Similarly, if the kids aren't finding much joy in their chores, I can just work on pushing through with them because that is the focus at that time. I know we will work on finding joy in our intellectual work. Eventually, I hope the different "ideals" I am working on in different areas will build upon each other and flow in and out of different aspects of my kids lives into a more harmonious whole. But right now, this paradigm has allowed me to hold on to my ideals (because I honestly cannot just let them go) while bringing some peace to myself and our home.

 

What she said.

[Mergath]

I'm an INFJ, and I'd never read that before about having high ideals vs. low outcome, but that describes me perfectly. We're just starting, but I'm finding it's best to add in one subject at a time. We started with doing reading every day until we got down a routine, and now we're adding in math. As for cleaning, I just fit that in when I can.

[Clear Creek]

Another INFJ here, and the only way things get done is if it is part of a routine. I am slowly learning to not be upset about the things that I think should get done, but somehow don't seem to fit into our routine. Reading the original relaxed homeschoolers thread on the Logic stage board really helped me. I'm not supposed to be relaxed about what I teach my children, but accept that what they are learning each day is enough and to not stress about what they aren't doing. I use HST to schedule out what needs to be done each day for the entire school year, so I have that schedule to keep to and to mark off so I know that they are getting enough. My problem is that I have the tendency to buy extras that seem oh-so-very important, but since they aren't part of our core of subjects they don't ever get done. I end up beating myself up about it on a daily basis, which is completely unnecessary because my kids are already doing plenty! So reading the relaxed homeschoolers thread really helped me with that.

[MrsH]

This is a constant struggle for me, too. I am constantly working to do things better, structure them better, get more done, but then I run up against my ESFP dd10, and we butt heads like crazy. When people tell me to lower my bar I want to yell: "IT'S ALREADY BEEN LOWERED 10 TIMES!" But they usually turn out to be right...

 

I'm with Clear Creek on needing routines. One reason this year feels hard to me is that while dd10 is home with me, ds6 is at public school, and dd3 is doing a preschool program several days a week. That takes up so much time that anytime we do anything "extra" (a class, an errand, a friend needing a listening ear for 30 minutes, a kid needing to slow things down...), it throws everything off. It's something we're thinking about a lot, and how to address it.

 

I love OrdinaryTime's idea of setting specific goals for specific activities. I'll be thinking about how to incorporate that for our family!

[mommyagain]

Ok, feeling like an idiot here, but what do the acronyms INFJ, etc mean?

[UmMusa]

How do you all know 'what' you are? When and why did you get tested? I have mo idea what I am!!

[poiema]

Introvert vs. [E] Extrovert, [N] iNtuition, vs. Sensing, [F] Feeling vs. [T] Thinking, [J] Judging vs. [P] Perceiving. Its the called the Keirsey Temperament Sorter. I had to take it years ago for a psychology course, but I imagine its available somewhere online.

[Clear Creek]

Introvert vs. [E] Extrovert, [N] iNtuition, vs. Sensing, [F] Feeling vs. [T] Thinking, [J] Judging vs. [P] Perceiving. Its the called the Keirsey Temperament Sorter. I had to take it years ago for a psychology course, but I imagine its available somewhere online.

Lol...that was when I took it as well, during a psych course (personality theory maybe? I dunno). I think this is the one that I took.

[EmmaNadine]

I like this website better: http://www.personali...entory.html It gives a lot of in depth information about the different personality types, and breaks it down by percentage, and you don't have to buy anything.

[AnnaM]

Apparently I am the exact opposite LOL I am ENFP according to the first test linked. I looked it up and it pretty much hits the nail on the head.

[SnowWhite]

I am INFJ and I find that your description of the quandary over expectations versus reality is very much a part of my life. I have not figured out what to do about it. I am actually quite panicked that what I think ds11 should be accomplishing does not come close to what I enable him to accomplish. It's to the point that if I could afford Christian school for him I'd likely send him. Although then I become panicky about how we would accomplish the homework and scheduling. I'm a mess.

[Kathy in Richmond]

Another INFJ checking in here!

 

I can see ALL the possibilities, whether it's for school, personal development, household organization....and then I inevitably feel anxious about all the choices.

 

Implementing just ONE solution (again, whether for a child's yearly curriculum or a problem around the house) is always difficult for me & requires a ton of discipline on my part. I'm much happier planning stuff than zeroing in on one thing and actually doing it.

 

Like others here, I do better when I write out a daily schedule for myself. Otherwise, I drift off on lots of bunny trails & end up accomplishing little. But the schedule has to be flowing & flexible; I cannot stand to be too pinned down as far as time schedules go.

 

I actually find that life is easier & that I get more done when I have just enough going on to feel some pressure. There's an ideal spot where I'm not overwhelmed versus being at loose ends with no deadlines at all.

 

But..I will always struggle to live up to my expectations for myself. The hardest part of homeschooling was trying not to pass my too-high expectations onto my ENFJ & INTP kids.

[Hedgehogs4]

You pretty much have described me...The start of your journey sounds very similar to mine. I am now 7 years into this, and I really do believe that I am finding my groove. I am learning where to "let go" and how to prioritize. I do really value an orderly "nest" and pleasant surroundings, so I make it a priority, but I am not giving in to being stressed out if it doesn't always pan out the way that I think it should.

 

I took the test when I was getting my MA in an education-focused degree. (TESOL) I learned then that the INFJ personality type makes the best possible teacher--we are specially equipped to inspire our students, set the bar high, and cheer them on to achieving what we know they are capable of doing. The key is not to let the spoilers take over. Discipline IS key. Find a groove with cleaning, but if you get derailed, work through it. Plan your lessons, but if they don't get all done, do the ABSOLUTE BEST with what you can do. Listen to wisdom, take care of yourself, and look for the spark of interest in your kids, and you will be successful.

 

For me, a key has been not being overly busy. Having margins to take care of the things that matter to me leaves me more space to teach my children well. I need lots of time to THINK. That means blank time to seemingly stare into space as I sort out my thoughts, and usually that ends up in me writing for a while once I have done so. If I do not have this time, I grow depressed, literally. I also need time to clean up around the house. That means putting clothes away, dusting, or clearing clutter, right down to the last random marble that does not have an apparent home. I also need time to take care of my health in order to have the energy necessary to keep up with the kids. That does not leave time for every. single. activity offered by our homeschool group or every single sport that my children show interest in. I need to be balanced, and then I can be for them what I know that they need me to be. They are happier. I am happier. really.

[LBoogie]

I am an INFP (but bordering on J, depending when I take the test.) Thank you for this thread! It makes me feel better, in all my perfectionistic chaos.

 

It is also kind of interesting to see how many moms with this personality type gravitate toward homeschooling...

[krisperry]

Another one here - it is very reassuring to read this thread! I identified with all the posts but in particular with Kathy in Richmond.

 

Sometimes I get down right envious of some of the other homeschool moms in our group. They seem so.... content in all that they do. I can't seem to be settled for more than a few days without "reviewing my process". It is frustrating. Even when I don't allow myself to shake things up to much, I still seem to always need to review, reassess, reorganize even if it is just mentally.... Blargh!

[Ellie]

Apparently, I was able to focus my perfectionism on being a perfect unschooler. ::bg::

 

Also, I was able to be satisfied with cleaning perfectly one day a week (clean kitchen, beds made up, every day, though).

[jujsky]

I'm an E/ISFJ. There's a 1% preference in E over I.

[LMD]

Wow, just... wow. Thanks so much for this thread. I'm an INFJ too, and you ladies have literally verbalised (in writing) the insane ramblings inside my head! I'm pretty sure my DH is an INTJ, like his dad.

 

Especially relevant at the moment, I've come to accept that I do better with a written schedule. I'm trying to put one together for next year, how can I fit 101 hours of work into 90 hours? Maybe I only need 4 hours sleep... :D I can't cut anything, the schedule & I are having a stand-off - I refuse to look at him right now (it's a male schedule apparently... maybe I'm anthropomorphizing it to release some stress...)

I'm also feeling (there's that darn F!) convicted that my children don't need to be pushed so hard, maybe some free time would be good for them...

 

I was going to multi-quote, but I had over 6 pp quoted and decided that won't work! OrdinaryTime - your post was very interesting, will have to think about it! Hedgehogs4, I really enjoyed your post - the part about needing space to think, very poignant.

[Literary Mom]

Introvert vs. [E] Extrovert, [N] iNtuition, vs. Sensing, [F] Feeling vs. [T] Thinking, [J] Judging vs. [P] Perceiving. Its the called the Keirsey Temperament Sorter. I had to take it years ago for a psychology course, but I imagine its available somewhere online.

 

Keirsey is actually a spin-off of the original personality typing system, the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator), created by a a mother and daughter (incidentally, homeschoolers!), using Jung's theories/research, to help place women in jobs during WWII and to contribute toward world peace (through self-understanding and understanding of others). It's the most widely used personality typing instrument in the world. I'm a certified MBTI practitioner and an INFJ so I love this conversation, which I'm totally relating to - in fact, you can find evidence of this angst with order & perfectionism in several threads I started this semester :) Also, I run the INFJ Christians page on Facebook.

[poiema]

Keirsey is actually a spin-off of the original personality typing system, the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator), created by a a mother and daughter (incidentally, homeschoolers!), using Jung's theories/research, to help place women in jobs during WWII and to contribute toward world peace (through self-understanding and understanding of others). It's the most widely used personality typing instrument in the world. I'm a certified MBTI practitioner and an INFJ so I love this conversation, which I'm totally relating to - in fact, you can find evidence of this angst with order & perfectionism in several threads I started this semester :) Also, I run the INFJ Christians page on Facebook.

 

Oh, that's right! My psych course used the Keirsey version and I still have the book "Please Understand Me", but I do remember now that it was originally Myers-Briggs. :blushing:

[Literary Mom]

Oh, that's right! My psych course used the Keirsey version and I still have the book "Please Understand Me", but I do remember now that it was originally Myers-Briggs. :blushing:

 

Totally understandable! The Keirsey temperament sorter was the first assessment I ever had and it nailed me, although back then (during college), I tied on E and I, but after reading through both descriptions, I knew was the INFJ. I own Please Understand Me II and it's a good tool as well - his derivation of the four temperaments from the Myers-Briggs - NT NF SP SJ - is really insightful and can also be helpful in determining a best fit type, especially when your MBTI results don't match your self-selected type - my job as a practitioner is to help people sort that out, as well as understand the 8 functions that every four letter type expands into - we all have the same ones, but we just prefer to use them in a different order, e.g. INFJ = dominant function: introverted intuition; helper/auxiliary function: extroverted feeling; hobby/tertiary function: introverted thinking; inferior function: extroverted sensing. The remaining four functions are subconscious (that's where it gets really interesting!).

[sherideane]

Thank you, everyone, for your extremely helpful comments! (I've been on vacation with limited internet so it's taken me a while to log back in.) It's SO reassuring to know that I'm not alone in this internal conflict - particularly with homeschooling. The Daily Schedule does seem to be the most helpful tool for me so far... and if I can shake the "rainbows & unicorns" (what my ISTJ brother calls my 'LaLa Land') out of my head long enough each morning to make my To Do List, my day is just a bit easier.

 

Elle - I'm on that Facebook page! :) I created a Facebook group called 'MBTI parenting' a while ago, but it's not very active yet. You mentioned tying with E the first time you were typed... when I first took the test at work, I typed ENFJ (twice). I know now it's because I answered a few questions according to my values rather than according to my reality. I've also read that INFJs are the most "verbose" of all the introverts - YEP! Hahaha!

I really want to get certified someday.

 

For those who don't know their type, here's a good (free) test online: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp [Though I feel compelled to mention that there are many MBTI purists who say you can't possibly know your type for sure unless you do official testing - for a fee.] I beg to differ (especially for us "rare" types) but then I'm not certified.

 

I'd like to mention too, that there is a special Facebook group just for INFJ moms, if any of you are interested. It's called "A Mother's Intuition".

 

Thanks again, everyone!

[eloquacious]

This is SO fascinating.

 

Depending on when I've tested over the past ten years, the T and the F have fought for dominance, so they were borderline, I suppose.

 

Have any of you done Enneagram types? I found my results to be similar to the MBTI in that depending on when I tested I was either a type 4 with a 5 "wing" or type 5 with a 4 "wing). Both are introverted intuitive types, so they are complementary.

[Kathy in Richmond]

Depending on when I've tested over the past ten years, the T and the F have fought for dominance, so they were borderline, I suppose.

 

My T & F have also fluctuated over the years. When I was in college & later as a working mom, I was stronger on the T side. I'm most definitely in the F camp now, though.

 

Have any of you done Enneagram types? I found my results to be similar to the MBTI in that depending on when I tested I was either a type 4 with a 5 "wing" or type 5 with a 4 "wing). Both are introverted intuitive types, so they are complementary.

 

Same here, leaning more toward 4 with a 5 wing. :001_smile:

[mommy5]

I'm right there with you! I never thought of it that way, before, but that is exactly my problem. I *feel* perfectionistic but reality is never what it "should" be (in my mind). I can't believe that there are so many INFJs on this board, too ... for being the most rare temperament there are a lot of them on TWTM!

[Miss Cornelia Snook]

This is ME!!! WOW! (I tested as an INFJ back in college, too.)

[alpidarkomama]

I'm an INFJ/P flip-flopper. :) And I've never had Martha Stewart aspirations, except in the good food department. So that's my forte. And the rest of the house, well, it limps along. 5- and 15-minute timers can work wonders! We do the best we can, and I spend a good amount of time chore training, which has really paid off.

[Georgiana Daniels]

Me, me, me! I count myself in good company, not only with you wonderful ladies but also with Emily Bronte :D

 

BUT....it's been years since I've taken the test and I've mostly forgotten what INFJ is, lol. I have VERY high expectations, of myself and everyone around me. And, to be fair, we rarely meet them. I consider us in a transitional season, though, so I try not to stress.

[Snow]

I was always an INFP until recently when I'm leaning more J. I think the chaos of kids is making me want to have a little more structure in my life :). I have a perfection problem and high expectations but the cleanliness and organization of my house has never been the focus. For me it shows up more in trying to create the perfect schedule, find the perfect curric, come up with the perfect learning activity, etc....so much that I get stuck and don't do anything. Urg.

[pehp]

This is so fascinating!

 

I am an INFJ also.

 

I totally identify with high ideals but issues getting it done! I am a major idea-person....a visionary....for everything from school to decorating to values....my ideals are high but I can easily get bogged down in the nitty gritty.

 

My approach to schooling thus far is to focus on the 3Rs and mostly take the Charlotte mason approach. I am very organized with school, have a chart I use weekly to keep me on track...otherwise I live in my mind so much that I really think I would never get anything done.

 

Similarly for housework...I try to be as organized as I can realistically be with meals, chores, etc because it is a weakness for me...the practicalities. I spend a ton of time in my mind, reflecting and musing and ruminating. I have to have some systems, even if they are imperfect or don't get 100% checked off at the end of the day, in order to keep myself on track.

 

I find practical things very hard. Staying organized makes them easier.

 

I also have been thinking a lot about family size and personality type. Probably more of a s/o thread to start.

[Chrysalis Academy]

I'm so glad I finally read this thread . . . I started reading y'all's posts, and realized I could have written about half of them myself . . . so I went on over and did an MBTI, and sure enough, I'm in the INFJ sisterhood!

 

Wow, that explains *a lot*!

[Literary Mom]

I just created a Facebook group for us:

 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/infjhomeschoolingmoms/

[raindrops]

I'm an INFJ.  One thing that's helping me this year is writing my plans in detail every week, except I only plan it for FOUR full days.  I leave Friday open as a catch-up, field trip, friend day.

[73349]

I didn't know there was a thread for that. Yes, INFJ bordering on INTJ. I plan in what looks to others like a ridiculous amount of detail, in writing, and leave plenty of margin. Academically, we're getting it all done. The housekeeping, not quite.

[The Governess]

Gosh, I can relate. I wish I could make the "perfect" plans and then hand them over to someone else to actually do. Also, I do not multitask well. The phone ringing, the kids not cooperating, messes to clean up, unexpected things being added to my schedule, everything interferes with my plans and I end up feeling annoyed. I wish I could just chill out, haha.