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Trudging through uncertainty....prayers welcome

LMV

By LMV,
in General Education Discussion Board

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LMV

LMV

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As some of you know, the child we have been doing medical respite for had wanted to attend our oldest daughters orchestra concert two weekends ago so we had planned to take her for a long weekend that weekend. Originally my husband would have picked her up from her school on Friday (11/9) afternoon and her foster parents would have picked her up from our home on Monday (11/12) afternoon. Things haven’t exactly worked that way.

 

On Wednesday (11/7) I was almost done with working another “fun filled†twelve hour ED shift. I picked up my phone after putting in a central line and saw a text from my husband to call him before I left work. I called him while waiting for radiology to come over and shoot a portable film to confirm line placement. He explained that our respite child was in a different ED with another asthma flare and the foster parents were uncomfortable taking her home so the caseworker was wondering if we would just take her early for respite. He had wanted to talk to me before we made a decision about this and had told the caseworker he would have to get back to her after we talked.

 

We both felt that we didn’t want to take her home if she really should be admitted somewhere (which she has been multiple prior times). We also didn’t want to bring her into our home if she had some viral URI causing her asthma to flare (which is a very common cause in kids) because we didn’t want to risk our infant daughter being exposed. So we decided that I would drive to the hospital where she was after leaving work and if neither of our concerns were applicable we would just take her for an extra two days of respite.

 

To make a long story a bit shorter we did take her home Wednesday night. I wasn’t working Thursday and we had a very low key day at home. Our older two had on campus school days, my husband took our soon to be three year old to her swimming class in the morning, and then came home for lunch and to get ready for a board meeting he needed to attend for one of his corporate accounts. She played candy land after lunch with our little daughter while I was feeding our youngest and she was fine. Honestly she probably could have gone to school on Thursday. My husband did drive her to her school on Friday morning and that went fine. We had a good family weekend. Our oldest daughter’s concert went really well and everyone except our youngest two attended. Her foster parents were supposed to pick her up after lunch on Monday afternoon. When they hadn’t appeared by three and we were unable to reach them by phone we attempted to call the caseworker (which required going through the emergency system because CP/FS was observing Veteran’s Day). Apparently CP/FS couldn’t reach them either and when they finally managed to send a caseworker out to the home no one was home. We kept her that night because it seemed a better option for her than sending her to an emergency placement. Now a week later she is still with us for the same reason.

 

We don’t know exactly where this will end up. We do know it will be complicated. She has a younger full sister who it appears the foster parents took with them when they fled. The caseworker also revealed that a little over a year ago the foster parents tried to separate the adoptions so they could adopt the younger sister and return this child to foster care. The judge wouldn’t grant the separation and so the foster parents grudgingly kept both children. This was when the caseworker upped the medical respite hours and when we met this child. The whole situation is a mess and we really pray that God will us to make the right choices for our family and for this child. If you pray we would love your prayers for guidance as well.

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LMV

LMV

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Thank you everyone!

 

Yes, this has all been incredibly unfair to this poor child. Actually life hasn't been particularly fair for this child but in the past I held a lot of faith that things would improve for her. We've known her for over a year and our older kids have a sort of "cherished cousin" relationship with her. She wanted to go to our oldest daughter's concert and our oldest wanted her there. She went to some of twelve year olds gymnastic meets last year by choice. Our oldest and my husband also started teaching her how to ride over last summer and before all of this happened we were actually talking about discussing with the foster parents if she was interested in joining 4-H and offering her the use of one of our horses if she wanted to do that. We really wanted to believe the caseworker that the foster parents just needed more support and they could/would become great forever parents for her and her little sister. Even when things semi-imploded at the end of the summer I guess we bought into the caseworker's optimism that the answer was just to support more and allow the family to grow together. I realize now that there were quite a few red flags that we overlooked and looked around but I really hadn't accepted that it wouldn't all workout in the end until after the foster parents abandoned her at our house.

 

We care very much about this child and I think we can come together and transition into at least a pseudo parental relationship (much like if she was a niece who was now coming to live with us). In some ways we think this is probably her best chance. But there are a lot of unknowns including if/when the foster parents will be found, and what would be best for her younger sister (who knows the foster parents only as her parents). So for the moment we're trying to take things one day at a time.

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LMV

LMV

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What a mess. I hope she doesn't realize all this. So sorry you are put in this position, but what a blessing youare to her!

 

She is eight so we really aren't sure what she really knows. We certainly have no plans to share with her what the caseworker revealed about the adoption and I would hope that the foster parents wouldn't have but she is old enough that she may have overheard something if they were talking about it at home. When we were talking to the caseworker last week where this information was shared she was at school. Last Monday while we were in limbo unable to reach the foster parents we just told her that there was a little change in plans and she was going to stay for dinner so I was going to make lasagna (which she likes). When the caseworker called us to tell us they believed the foster parents had abandoned her and ask if we could keep her and we agreed we told her that her foster parents needed us to keep her for a little while longer and that we were glad to do that. She hasn't asked for more information and we really don't have it to give so that is hard. She has expressed an interest to see her sister (which in the past we have arranged if we've kept her for more than a few days at a time) so we've told her we are working on that. We really are when she asked this morning I did put in a call to caseworker explaining this and that I needed to know if they had any more information or any guidance on what we should tell her (our full intention is to tell her the truth we just want to do it with the most updated information and in the most appropriate way). We're waiting on a call back from the caseworker now.

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LMV

LMV

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Wow. Hopefully these foster parents end up in jail. :cursing:

 

Interestingly because they were foster parents with legal custody but not legal guardianship if they are caught they will likely have more legal consequences if it can be proved they took the four year old out of state than because they abandoned the eight year old with us. Our system has some flaws and here it is difficult to actually bring legal charges against foster parents who abandon if they don't have legal guardianship at the time. Of course it will be virtually impossible for them to keep the four year old, ever be foster/adoptive parents, or work with children or disabled adults so there are consequences providing they can be found.

 

I am absolutely not condoning the decision they made. However, from things the caseworker has shared with us, I get the impression now that they never felt they were a good fit for the eight year old (who was four when she went to them) or felt able to parent her. In contrast, I sense that they did bond with her baby sister (who went to them as an infant and never met her biological parents) and in their heart she became their daughter. I can understand how they couldn't let go of her and perhaps they felt this was their only option. Again, I think they made a poor choice which will likely end up hurting both children but I'm trying to understand what they may have been going through.

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A.Balaban

A.Balaban

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What a horrible situation. God bless you and your family for helping this little girl out. Has the caseworker contacted the police regarding this? I hope they are able to track down the family and remove the four year old from them. I really hope this little girl gets to see her sister soon for the holidays... Praying for the best possible outcome and that everything is resolved quickly.... really puts a perspective on "thanksgiving"

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Liz CA

Liz CA

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I am very ignorant of the foster care system but I am wondering if this means the police are looking for them. In fact, have they not abandoned this child in their care since the stay at your house was supposed to be a sleep-over type weekend?

Will charges be brought against them?

Prayers for peace of mind.

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LMV

LMV

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I am very ignorant of the foster care system but I am wondering if this means the police are looking for them. In fact, have they not abandoned this child in their care since the stay at your house was supposed to be a sleep-over type weekend?

Will charges be brought against them?

Prayers for peace of mind.

 

CP/FS laws and regulations vary quite a bit from state to state. In this state you need permission to remove foster children from the state, although if you have been granted temporary legal guardianship then you don't need special permission. Technically our twelve year is still our foster daughter. We currently have guardianship though and we will be adopting her as soon as the TPR finally goes through. We've had guardianship for more than two years but for the first few months she was with us we did need to ask permission even if we just wanted to take the whole family to one of our other homes or if we wanted to go to one of our daughter's out of state soccer tournaments. We never had a request not granted and the guardianship process was expedited because she was classified as medically fragile so it wasn't even an issue after the guardianship was granted. We still do update the caseworker if we're doing something major and she appreciates that we respect her enough to keep her in the loop. She believes our twelve year old is safe with us and trusts our judgment so she will back us up if needed.

 

In these children's cases, the foster parents do not have guardianship and only have temporary custody. Legally if they wish to leave the state they need to get permission from CP/FS. So if they are shown to have left the state then they can face custodial interference charges which are criminal charges. Law enforcement has been looking for the family and I presume eventually they will be caught. We have no idea when that will be so that makes it hard to explain any of this to this child. I want her to be reunited with her little sister she loves but I also understand that it will be traumatic for her little sister to be taken away from these foster parents.

 

The foster parents can be charged with abandonment but since they only have temporary custody the law is worded in such a way that this will be difficult to prosecute and it is likely that the DA will not charge this. Instead they will likely face child endangerment and unlawful dealing but most of these are misdemeanor charges.

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Denisemomof4

Denisemomof4

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wow. what a sad story. I am so glad that little girl has you.

 

I am surprised (although I guess I shouldn't be) that the foster family is still allowed to keep the sibling.

 

I know the little girl is so lucky to have your family, and she clearly loves to be with you all as she wanted to attend your dd's concert. But I don't understand why the foster family would want to separate birth siblings.

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luvnlattes

luvnlattes

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After reading through all your replies, this is such a sad situation all the way around. I know the foster parents did wrong yet this is going to be so traumatizing for the younger girl when she is found. They obviously did not think this through. I'm thankful that the older girl has you and your family to support her. I'll be praying for all involved in the situation.

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Laurel

Laurel

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wow. what a sad story. I am so glad that little girl has you.

 

I am surprised (although I guess I shouldn't be) that the foster family is still allowed to keep the sibling.

 

I know the little girl is so lucky to have your family, and she clearly loves to be with you all as she wanted to attend your dd's concert. But I don't understand why the foster family would want to separate birth siblings.

 

I don't think the foster family is "allowed" to keep the younger sibling - they took off with her, but it sounds like when they are found, she will be removed from their care.

 

How sad for everyone involved, but I am glad the little girl has a family she knows, so hopefully she doesn't feel abandoned. I hope she can be reunited with her sister soon.

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LMV

LMV

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Wow! I'm glad the 8yo was at least left with you, instead of abandoned at school.

 

 

Yes! I don't think anyone can argue that they handled this well but we realize they could have made even worse choices than they did. I also wonder if the foster parents really feel she would be better off here. There are some valid reasons why she may be (including the reality that their chain smoking is probably a significant contributor to all of her asthma flares which we know CP/FS and multiple physicians have addressed with them but never really gotten anywhere). At the same time I don't feel she is better off growing up without her little sister and I know that there are also reasons why it will traumatic for her little sister to be anywhere other than with the foster parents. It is so complicated and we really have no idea how or when this will end which is the hardest thing.

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LMV

LMV

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wow. what a sad story. I am so glad that little girl has you.

 

I am surprised (although I guess I shouldn't be) that the foster family is still allowed to keep the sibling.

 

I know the little girl is so lucky to have your family, and she clearly loves to be with you all as she wanted to attend your dd's concert. But I don't understand why the foster family would want to separate birth siblings.

 

 

As Laurel suggested below, CP/FS is not allowing them to keep the four year old. Law enforcement is looking for her and the family.

 

I don't think they really wanted to separate birth siblings but I think they really love the four year and have felt that they weren't a good fit for the eight year old perhaps since the beginning. CP/FS does try to keep siblings together so the girls were sort of a package deal. We didn't know these girls when they first went into foster care so it would be ridiculous for me to suggest what would have been better and I think that to an extent CP/FS may have really been as stuck between a rock and a hard place as the family would probably say they were. When the foster parents tried to separate the adoptions (which was denied) the younger child was almost three. Perhaps CP/FS should have placed both girls with a new foster adopt family then but the decision was made to not do that because it would be so traumatic to the younger child. The caseworker also really believed that she could get the foster parents to come around about the older child. With more information I think she was very unrealistic about this but I can understand why she really needed to hope it could be possible because there were not other good options for both girls.

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Harriet Vane

Harriet Vane

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As Laurel suggested below, CP/FS is not allowing them to keep the four year old. Law enforcement is looking for her and the family.

 

I don't think they really wanted to separate birth siblings but I think they really love the four year and have felt that they weren't a good fit for the eight year old perhaps since the beginning. CP/FS does try to keep siblings together so the girls were sort of a package deal. We didn't know these girls when they first went into foster care so it would be ridiculous for me to suggest what would have been better and I think that to an extent CP/FS may have really been as stuck between a rock and a hard place as the family would probably say they were. When the foster parents tried to separate the adoptions (which was denied) the younger child was almost three. Perhaps CP/FS should have placed both girls with a new foster adopt family then but the decision was made to not do that because it would be so traumatic to the younger child. The caseworker also really believed that she could get the foster parents to come around about the older child. With more information I think she was very unrealistic about this but I can understand why she really needed to hope it could be possible because there were not other good options for both girls.

 

 

There usually aren't better options. DCFS doesn't have tons of great foster homes just waiting for new kids, kwim? The protocol is generally to do whatever it takes to preserve an intact placement, even if the placement is troubled in some way.

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kitten18

kitten18

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Interestingly because they were foster parents with legal custody but not legal guardianship if they are caught they will likely have more legal consequences if it can be proved they took the four year old out of state than because they abandoned the eight year old with us. Our system has some flaws and here it is difficult to actually bring legal charges against foster parents who abandon if they don't have legal guardianship at the time. Of course it will be virtually impossible for them to keep the four year old, ever be foster/adoptive parents, or work with children or disabled adults so there are consequences providing they can be found.

 

I am absolutely not condoning the decision they made. However, from things the caseworker has shared with us, I get the impression now that they never felt they were a good fit for the eight year old (who was four when she went to them) or felt able to parent her. In contrast, I sense that they did bond with her baby sister (who went to them as an infant and never met her biological parents) and in their heart she became their daughter. I can understand how they couldn't let go of her and perhaps they felt this was their only option. Again, I think they made a poor choice which will likely end up hurting both children but I'm trying to understand what they may have been going through.

That is very generous of you.

Those poor children. :crying:

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LMV

LMV

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Thank you everyone for the continued prayers. Law enforcement is still looking for her former foster parents and sister but it is seeming less likely that they will be found soon. We attempted to explain all of this in as much of an age appropriate fashion as possible yesterday evening and we have invited her maternal grandfather (who has too many of his own health problems to take her and her sister full time as a single grandpa parent but wants to remain in their lives in a grandparent role) to join us for Thanksgiving. My heart is really breaking for this little girl and I don't think we really have a full sense of how much this is hurting her. For now we're back to praying for guidance and direction and trying to take things one day at a time.

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Harriet Vane

Harriet Vane

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Thank you everyone for the continued prayers. Law enforcement is still looking for her former foster parents and sister but it is seeming less likely that they will be found soon. We attempted to explain all of this in as much of an age appropriate fashion as possible yesterday evening and we have invited her maternal grandfather (who has too many of his own health problems to take her and her sister full time as a single grandpa parent but wants to remain in their lives in a grandparent role) to join us for Thanksgiving. My heart is really breaking for this little girl and I don't think we really have a full sense of how much this is hurting her. For now we're back to praying for guidance and direction and trying to take things one day at a time.

 

Thank you for the update. I am praying for this dear, dear little girl. Keep us posted.

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8circles

8circles

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Thank you everyone for the continued prayers. Law enforcement is still looking for her former foster parents and sister but it is seeming less likely that they will be found soon. We attempted to explain all of this in as much of an age appropriate fashion as possible yesterday evening and we have invited her maternal grandfather (who has too many of his own health problems to take her and her sister full time as a single grandpa parent but wants to remain in their lives in a grandparent role) to join us for Thanksgiving. My heart is really breaking for this little girl and I don't think we really have a full sense of how much this is hurting her. For now we're back to praying for guidance and direction and trying to take things one day at a time.

 

How heartbreaking for this little girl. What kind of issues were so great that this is a better alternative?

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