Can you offer some feedback on this SAT practice essay?

[hsbeth]

My dd in 11th will be taking the SAT w/writing for the first time in December. Feedback on her practice essay and any tips for improvement would be appreciated.

 

Here is the prompt:

Studies of creativity often focus primarily on writers, artists, composers, and scientists. Political leaders are not usually considered to be very creative. Indeed, it is sometimes said that it is a good thing that leaders in general are not very creative, since an excess of creativity, especially in leaders who have to enforce rules, would only lead to trouble. Yet surely some degree of creativity is desirable in all walks of life. Adapted from Thomas G. West, In the Mind's Eye

 

Assignment: Do all people need to be creative? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

 

DD's essay:

 

Common jobs that require creativity include artists, composers, and writers. However, almost every profession requires one to be creative to a certain extent. Solving problems, making discoveries, and improving our world would be virtually impossible without people that are able to come up with unique ideas.

In my opinion, the founding fathers were extremely creative. They were able to sculpt our country, constitution, and government. The United States wasn't similar to any other nation at the time. Obviously, it took many hours of brain storming, debating, and thinking to come up with such a complicated system. Without the creativity of our founding fathers, our country would be completely different than it is today.

Similarly, scientists must posess a creative side to them in order to solve problems and make discoveries. Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity when he observed an apple falling from a tree. Another famouos scientist, Galileo Galilei, studied motion by dropping objects from the leaning tower of Pisa. Needless to say, these two men were able to utilitize their creativity to make ground-breaking scientific discoveries that are still important today.

Another example of a more common profession that requires creativity is teaching. Because every student learns differently, it is important that teachers and professors can do whatever they need to do to help the students learn. Whether it's activities or projects, teachers must be creative in their teaching methods.

Although creativity is often associated with artists and writers, I think it is important for everyone to be creative. The world would not be nearly as developed as it is today without creative people to make discoveries and solve problems.

[Sevilla]

1. I really like this prompt.

 

2. She misses the boat on what it is asking. Her essay does not have a thesis and jumps directly to specific examples. It reads as very concrete vs being the appropriate mix of concrete and abstract

 

3. She first needs to tackle the IDEA of creativity - is it necessary for all people? Only some people? Is it detrimental as the quote states? That is what her thesis needs to be built around. The specific examples below would be supporting points to her main ideas, not stand-alone items

 

 

4. Common jobs that require creativity include artists, composers, and writers. However, almost every profession requires one to be creative to a certain extent. Solving problems, making discoveries, and improving our world would be virtually impossible without people that are able to come up with unique ideas.

 

The final sentence in this paragraph could be reworked to be a good opening line for her first paragraph. The first two sentences should be much later in her paper.

 

5. In my opinion, the founding fathers were extremely creative. They were able to sculpt our country, constitution, and government. The United States wasn't similar to any other nation at the time. Obviously, it took many hours of brain storming, debating, and thinking to come up with such a complicated system. Without the creativity of our founding fathers, our country would be completely different than it is today.

 

This is a detailed EXAMPLE, but it is not a stand-alone point. When I read it I thought 'what point is this supporting?'

 

6. Similarly, scientists must posess a creative side to them in order to solve problems and make discoveries. Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity when he observed an apple falling from a tree. Another famouos scientist, Galileo Galilei, studied motion by dropping objects from the leaning tower of Pisa. Needless to say, these two men were able to utilitize their creativity to make ground-breaking scientific discoveries that are still important today.

 

Again, good example, but missing the underlying IDEA point that she is supposed to demonstrate At 11th grade she should be demonstrating complex thoughts and abstract points, this is very concrete and what I would expect from middle school level writing. It is not bad, just not up to the appropriate level of skill.

 

7. Another example of a more common profession that requires creativity is teaching. Because every student learns differently, it is important that teachers and professors can do whatever they need to do to help the students learn. Whether it's activities or projects, teachers must be creative in their teaching methods.

 

8. Although creativity is often associated with artists and writers, I think it is important for everyone to be creative. The world would not be nearly as developed as it is today without creative people to make discoveries and solve problems.

 

Ok, here she is making idea statements and that is good She needs more of that

[hsbeth]

Thank you for your feedback! Anyone else care to chime in?

[JanetC]

She's tried to do a standard 5-paragraph essay: The "standard advice" for the SAT is to go for a FOUR paragraph essay -- introduction, two points, conclusion. If you're too short, you get dinged, but if you try to do three points, it's hard to do them well or have time to go back and make corrections. Her essay is not horrible-- but the points are not well developed, perhaps because she was pressed for time. I would try having her do a couple of prompts where she goes for 4 paragraphs instead of 5 and compare the results. See if she can write more substantial paragraphs if there are fewer of them.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Thank you for your feedback! Anyone else care to chime in?

 

The only other thing I might suggest is to make a point that even people in jobs that seem to put emphasis on reflexive repetition may have a need for creativity. Factory line jobs, for instance, can be improved by a worker realizing that there is a better way to set up the line. Or they may need to use creativity to recognize when something is wrong. That could help with making the point that ALL need some creativity.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

BTW, there are some interesting thoughts on how to prepare and practice for SAT essays in this thread about an SAT prompt about reality shows. About halfway through the first page of results, the discussion turns to using archtypes and collected meaningful examples in the essays. I thought the idea was really interesting.