Would this bother you??

[Harriet Vane]

Some of this is personality-driven. The Christmas decorating wouldn't bother me because I hate doing all that. If it's a time that you treasure, though, then it is okay for you to be unhappy that that was taken from you. The crazy schedule would be annoying, but I would likely laugh it off and try to understand that they are trying to help.

 

Going through my things and re-decorating, along with the comments, would bother me A LOT. That's out of line and intrusive.

 

I think you should assert some boundaries with your parents, with a minimum of explanation. It sounds like they drag things on and on and on, so the first thing to do is stop feeding that tendency. For example, it's absolutely inappropriate from them to whine about your husband's job. Unless he is beating you or mistreating you in some way or involved in criminal activity, they should not criticize him. Period. Second, they should choose to focus on the fact that he HAS a job in a difficult economy and is providing you with a good life. Can you tell them that the job and the move are no longer up for discussion? Then, when they bring it up again, say, "That is not up for discussion any further" and change the subject. You may even have to say, if they are persistent and repetitive with their "grievances," "Mom, I am changing the subject. I am not willing to talk about the move or dh's job anymore."

[Catwoman]

 

I think you should assert some boundaries with your parents, with a minimum of explanation. It sounds like they drag things on and on and on, so the first thing to do is stop feeding that tendency. For example, it's absolutely inappropriate from them to whine about your husband's job. Unless he is beating you or mistreating you in some way or involved in criminal activity, they should not criticize him. Period. Second, they should choose to focus on the fact that he HAS a job in a difficult economy and is providing you with a good life. Can you tell them that the job and the move are no longer up for discussion? Then, when they bring it up again, say, "That is not up for discussion any further" and change the subject. You may even have to say, if they are persistent and repetitive with their "grievances," "Mom, I am changing the subject. I am not willing to talk about the move or dh's job anymore."

 

:iagree:

 

The whole situation would have bothered me, but I wouldn't have let anyone show up at my house and take over, either.

 

I would have been livid if anyone went through my closets -- whether to snoop, rearrange things, or whatever. It's a complete invasion of privacy.

 

I would have been very sad that I hadn't been involved in the Christmas decorating.

 

I can't even imagine someone rearranging my furniture or accessories, and believe me, if they did it once, they would learn very quickly to never, ever do it again.

 

As far as the kids' mealtimes went, I think you needed to be very firm about that stuff right from the start, or your dh should have been there to make sure the kids ate on time. It's hard to accept free help from people and then expect to micromanage every detail, so if you weren't super-clear about the mealtimes, I can understand why the grandparents might have handled things more casually than you would have done.

 

Personally, I think the real problem here is that you've put up with too much from them for too long, and they're used to walking all over you and saying whatever they please. Realistically, the only way things will change is if you get tough and refuse to deal with their remarks or their drama. And stop letting them do favors for you if you think it obligates you to do what they want in return.

 

Sorry you're having such a rough time! :grouphug:

[RanchGirl]

Is she still at your house? I would be upset about some of these things as well. But it seems like you have figured out who your Mom is and honestly, you can't change her. You can only change how you react to her. Sounds like there is just no point in telling her what bothers you. So I would just try to do some damage control from this visit and make better choices in the future.

 

By damage control, I mean move things back where you want them and undecorate the tree. If she's still there, do it cheerfully but still do it.

 

By better choices, I mean only invite them for short visits that don't involve you having a baby or them providing child care.

[Twigs]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[fraidycat]

The reorganizing and decorating would bother me.

 

The kid's eating/bed schedule would not. I do not expect anyone to keep the same "schedule" I keep (which, admittedly isn't much of one) when watching my kids. When I'm not in charge, then I'm not in charge. The adult who is in charge will feed them and get them to bed when they get it figured out.

[weddell]

I would be pretty mad. The kids being off schedule wouldn't bother me as long as the kids didn't mind (i.e. weren't hungry), but they were and that is a problem.

 

The Christmas decorating would have made me furious as that is a family thing we do together and I like to take pictures, put on certain music, etc. I wouldn't mind if my mom and the kids made a particular kind of decoration together and hung it up, but not the whole decorating.

 

Organizing my house would send me over the edge. When I had my first baby my MIL lived about 3 hours away and wanted to come to the hospital while I was in labor so she could see the baby right away and then she promised to go back home. Fine. But then when I was actually in labor, she just barged into the delivery room while I didn't want visitors. Of course dd wasn't born until the middle of the night and MIL was still hanging around the hospital, and so instead of thinking about my baby or myself, I'm trying to figure out what to do with a visitor with no where to go since it is 1 AM. So we sent her to our house by herself with all sorts of instructions about the guest room, where to find sheets, etc. So the next day she rearranged all the baby things I had washed. Washed baby clothes and blankets that she "found" in my house that I didn't want washed (things I may have needed to return, wasn't sure I wanted to keep, etc). Went into our bedroom and washed our sheets and other personal things. Etc. Etc. I know she was trying to help and I never said anything, but it was a huge boundry crossing for me. I had been pretty close to her up until then, but the whole incident made both DH and me put up boundries that were mugh higher than before. My dd is now 7 and of course I'm not mad at my MIL about this anymore, but I honestly still think about how much my space and the things I had arranged for my first baby felt really violated at the time, and it does influence how I act towards her now.

 

It sounds from the comments your mom made that she is being passive aggressive. I would do what someone else already mentioned and just say that certain things are not up for discussion (moving for a job). I would probably let the other things go or just respond to the comments with "I know you were trying to help," and just not say anything else. They were doing you a favor by watching the kids, but I know I would still feel pretty irritated.

[swellmomma]

I would be frustrated. The reorganizing would have had me ticked off. My mom rarely comes here and when she does she starts cleaning. The last time they came I warned her ahead of time I would kick her out if she did that, and once here I reminded here. I get very offended by her doing that, because it is never the stuff that actually needs cleaning. It is the nit picky stuff that she deemed not up to par kwim.

 

The decorating would have had me in a puddle of tears, same with taking the kids to see santa etc. That is MY job as mom. Those are MY traditions with my kids. There is no way I would be okay with my parents taking over.

 

Meal times here are fairly loosy goosy and late due to dance etc. But back when my kids were little dinner was at 5pm, bedtime at 7pm. These are not big kids we are talking about. The OPs kids are 6 and under. That range meals and sleep comes first. Staying on routine and feeding at a proper hour is extremely important or you have a housefull of miserable crying kids. How exactly is that helping the OP relax and tend to relaxing for this pregnancy.

 

It has been interesting reading everyone's replies and seeing the difference of opinions. Of course a big part of the difference is not only our own personalities but the relationship we have with our parents and what we know of what their intentions would be. For some it is a happy relationship and you know your moms would only do this out of true love and goodness in her heart. For others we know the only reason they would is out of criticism, passive agressiveness etc. Heck my mom would then go home at the end of the visit and spend the rest of her days griping about that time she was forced into helping me because I had too many kids, and wasn't taking care of them because I was pregnant with another, and how she had to clean and organize the place because it was squalor and she had to take the kids to see santa because they had never been in their whole lives etc. Completely twisting it all so she could be the martyr and prove that I was just being an ungrateful wench for having any issue with what she did. Different perspective based on maternal relationship.

 

There is a big reason that even when I was put on bedrest with each of my pregnancies I remained doing everything at home on my own, from tending to the kids needs, to all the cooking and cleaning, to mowing the lawn. I would come home from the hospital after being checked for preterm labour and get back to work. I could not allow my mom to help out, it would only bite me in the end and there was no one else.

 

I hope you make it through the visit and can get back to focusing on the new little one's arrival and getting the other kids back on schedule.

[FriedClams]

The reorganizing everything would bug me. The rest would not.

 

 

I agree with this. I know it's annoying because you can see them ignoring your schedule, so just pretend you're not there. Grandparent time is different. I'd give a lot for my parents being healthy or Interested enough to spoil my kids for an hour, much less days. Or for them to visit. Or call. Let it go. Relax. Pray for your mom while you're looking for stuff. It'll pass. Glad your back on the mend.