Would this bother you??

lexi · November 18, 2012

Ok, so I had some pregnancy complications and was put in the hospital-so much for my homebirth....sigh

My in-laws came to town and helped for a few days. Then my mom came, followed by my dad 2 days later. I so appreciate everyone coming to help-I really do. But would these things bother you???

While I was in hospital my mom decorated my entire house with my Christmas decorations and decorated my tree with my kids.

She redecorated other parts of my house-moving lamps to different rooms, moving books or other decorative things.

She went through my pantry and fridge and threw out things and completely reorganized.

She went through every drawer in my desk, kitchen, and office area and reorganized.

She went through all the spare closets and reorganized them and moved things around.

So, while I understand that her intent was to be super helpful and I appreciate her motivation........I feel frustrated that I cannot find a thing and that she felt my organization skills were not up to standard so she completely re-did everything. I have not said anything just a thank you, but is this something that would bug you?

Secondly, while my parents kept the kids and I know that they don't keep a schedule the way we do......they pretty much had no schedule. They feed the kids whenever, let them snack, and would feed them dinner at 7:30 at night (for kids who eat between 5 and 5:30 usually). My kids were so hungry one night that they over ate and one of them spent the rest of the night throwing up. They also brought them home the other night at 7 without dinner and then my dad ran to pick up dinner. So, they ate that night at 7:30. I had a house full of hungry crying children and I felt really stressed.

My mom was upset with me that I was upset as she said she was doing the best she could but she just "had" to take them to the Christmas program and then they "had" to see Santa and all these other things before eating. In my little brain, food and sleep come first and extras come later. So, I'm upset and she's upset with me for being upset. Now I'm being portrayed as ungrateful. But I'm not trying to be. I'm just upset that my kids have had a rough time and even got sick because of it. I really am thankful for people that help but I would like for them to do simple things like feed my kids at a normal time and make sure they get sleep at a decent hour.

So, while I didn't mean for it to become a discussion, it has become one now that she brought it up. We had not said anything but she said, "I know you're annoyed that the kids are eating late." My hubby just said, "It's difficult because they are not used to eating so late." Then she went off about how she had done the best she could. We had not said anything or blamed her. I was just going to say thank you and then work really hard to get back into our routine. But now it's a mess. So, what would you do? Would you feel upset? How can I be grateful but still a little annoyed?

ETA: I updated on post 28. Basically, I'm more annoyed with the comments I get and the commentary than I am about the help. I also didn't mean for it to be an issue. But it was brought up-along with their anger at us for moving to a new state for hubby's job. So, then it became a big mess. I never intended to discuss either topic. I'm still frustrated and I only just today found the toilet paper, but I was just going to muddle through this week. Now I'm stressed.

Joanne · November 18, 2012

I think the intention/motive is love and help. Mixed with a bit of passive/aggressive commentary. :glare:

In that case, I'd frame it in my head that she was trying to help, but her lack of intuitive boundaries made her cross lines and that is why you feel violated. It's a valid, understandable feeling. I would not address it unless she brings it up such as "well, I did all that work for you" or if your life situation presents another need to rely on her.

Your parents are likely many years removed from the care of multiple, closely spaced littles. The need for predictable structure is probably not on their radar. I'd let that go - they were doing the best they could to help. It was clearly a trade off for you. :grouphug:

Impish · November 18, 2012

I would be furious, tbh.

Putting up Christmas stuff w/out me? Oh, HECK no. No, no, no.

Taking over my house and reorganizing it to her preferences? No, no no.

Sorry, but there's no way I'd be feeling grateful at all. I'd feel usurped. Completely.

Joanne · November 18, 2012

Multiple of the same post. Some things are not good in multiples. :laugh:

Happy Thanksgiving week!

Impish · November 18, 2012

dbl post

Durriyyah · November 18, 2012

Those things would really bug me. When someone watches my kids, all I ask is they keep to some sort of norm. It would be scary enough for the kids that you had to be in the hospital... at least they could have food at a decent time. With how little your kids are, that's really important! I'm not sure how I would address it though, because I can see most parents being sensitive about their help not actually being help, understandably. Tough one.

Joanne · November 18, 2012

Yeesh. Many of the same posts. {{{OP}}}

Durriyyah · November 18, 2012

Those things would really bug me. When someone watches my kids, all I ask is they keep to some sort of norm. It would be scary enough for the kids that you had to be in the hospital... at least they could have food at a decent time. With how little your kids are, that's really important! I'm not sure how I would address it though, because I can see most parents being sensitive about their help not actually being help, understandably. Tough one.

stripe · November 18, 2012

I would take anyone coming and reorganizing my house. The routine will get back to normal. Really. My mom had my kids up after midnight after my youngest was born. Oh well. I was mad, but it was only one night. She meant well and she did do the best she could. I am sure she loves your kids. Don't hold it against her. Just take it as an effort that didn't come out right, but good intentions were there.

gardenmom5 · November 18, 2012

reminds me of my mil. she did the exact same thing to my sil after her youngest was born.

it is over the line, and the only way to deal with it effectively is to errect hard and fast boundaries. re: never allow her to be in the position of "organizing/decorating" your house. which means, if you are too ill to corral her, she's not allowed in your house.

DusksAngel · November 18, 2012

I'd be pretty ticked. I don't understand why anyone thinks it's okay to go into someone else's home and reorganize it (yes Mom, I mean you) or put up decorations unless specifically asked to do so. Going through my personal things (desk, etc) is just rude. I honestly think it's a passive-aggressive way to let you know that they don't approve of how you do things, even if they have themselves convenienced they're doing it out of love.

kalanamak · November 18, 2012

The throwing up could have been a bug. Sounds more buggy than over eating. (Did your mom feed/treat you this way when you were little?)

I would try hard not to be offended, but amused instead, and just never rely on her like that again.

P.S. where was your husband in all this? Was he trying to steer her the right way and was rebuffed, or was he silent, thus leading your mom to think everything was A-ok?

(Where is the hug button? I'll have to go low-tech : ((( ))) )

tammyw · November 18, 2012

It would bug me, because I'm particular, but I have other friends who would love it. Depending on your mom's personality, I don't think it was necessarilly passive-aggressive. I think it could just have been what she thought would be helpful, knowing you are going to have your hands full for a good long time.

Just Kate · November 18, 2012

I completely understand your frustration. I would certainly be frustrated about my mom reorganizing my things. That is a bit rude, IMHO. However, with keeping a schedule, it sounds to me like your parents were just trying to make things fun for your kids and they forgot what it is like with littles. I'll be honest that I am TERRIBLE with keeping a schedule, and I just can't imagine that I'll be any better when I am a grandma some day.

Also, I am sure that you are frustrated that your plans for your home birth didn't work out, which is probably just making this whole situation seem worse. If I were you, I would probably try to just let it go. There is really not much to be gained by holding onto hard feelings toward your mom here. But, I do understand how you feel. :grouphug:

tammyw · November 18, 2012

It would bug me, because I'm particular, but I have other friends who would love it. Depending on your mom's personality, I don't think it was necessarilly passive-aggressive. I think it could just have been what she thought would be helpful, knowing you are going to have your hands full for a good long time.

Lolly · November 18, 2012

The reorganizing everything would bug me. The rest would not.

Impish · November 18, 2012

I find the responses interesting. The reorganizing would bug me, but what would send me over the edge into enraged would be the doing Christmas decorations, ESP the tree, w/out me.

Maybe b/c for us, putting the tree up together is a big deal every year. The idea of missing out on that would be heartbreaking for me.

Jean in Newcastle · November 18, 2012

Some things would bug me more than others. The stuff with the kid's schedules, while it would bug me some, would still make me shake my head a bit and say "Grandmas are silly sometimes." The stuff with the decorating would bug me some but I would understand that she might think that you couldn't handle that with a newborn, though I would still shake my head at it. The reorganizing of your home would bother me majorly because I see that as a huge boundary violation. Your house, your organization. Period.

TravelingChris · November 18, 2012

Reorganizing would bug me the most.

Halftime Hope · November 18, 2012

You could choose to treat it just like one of those lovely presents that a child made for you then brought it to you with shining eyes as they declared their love for you--one of those presents that all you could see were the smudges, and the dripped glue trails, and the glitter going all over the house. Can you do a mental reset, remembering where this was coming from (her desire to be a real help to you) and choose to lay down the "right" to feel outraged? (And yes, she did cross boundaries, but honestly, I'm not sure the boundaries are universal, as you can tell from the other posts.) (My Enter isn't working or I'd start a new paragraph here.) When I was a college student, I'd come home and scrub the bottoms of all my mom's copper-bottom pots and pans, and I'd take a layer off the top of the ratty old linoleum so that the floor was "cleaner" looking than it had been before. I'm pretty sure that I was fairly judgmental of my mom's housekeeping skills, and I'm thankful that she just laughed it off with an "I couldn't be bothered" and didn't hold it against me for crossing her boundaries. We laugh about it to this day, as I'm in sore need of someone to take an interest in my cookie sheets and bakeware. : ) LOL Should you need her again, perhaps at that time you could remind her how important it is to feed the little ones on a schedule.

Danestress · November 18, 2012

Yes. It would.

However. I think it's great that you have both in laws and parents who are willing to drop their lives to come help you, and who are able to take care of four children at once!

The reorganizing of drawers etc would bother me enough to tell my mother not to do that again. I do think she was probably trying to help, but I can't believe she didn't know how annoying that would be. The Christmas ornament thing would also bother me, but maybe she doesn't envision you being able to do that even when you get home. She may really believe that was helpful.

The child care issues I would let go. I personally don't think 7:30 is that late for dinner. If I were paying someone one to care for my kids, I would expect them to do what I say. However when a family member is willing to drop everything on her own plate in order to take care of my kids, I expect that they will just try to do their best and it may not be exactly what I would choose. If it really were a problem, I would tell my DH to go home and take care of the kids. My guess is that your mother in law was worried about how to keep four kids "busy" and happy and distracted when mom is in the hospital, so she was trying to do things with them that would be fun enough to distract them from their worries.

So I guess if your Mom kept your kids safe, I think you got what you paid for. You need positive thoughts and energy right now, so try to let this go and make peace with your Mom and Dad. You dont't need the stress of conflict. If you ever need their help again, THEN would be a good time to set a few boundaries.

Danestress · November 18, 2012

dp

Cindyz · November 18, 2012

I guess I'm the weird one out. These things would not have bothered me. I would feel loved that she wanted to help me and make my life easier, and the kids are fine being off routine once in awhile. I'm sure they had a fabulous time even though they were tired and hungry later.

Danestress · November 18, 2012

Double post.

Danestress · November 18, 2012

Yes. It would.

However. I think it's great that you have both in laws and parents who are willing to drop their lives to come help you, and who are able to take care of four children at once!

The reorganizing of drawers etc would bother me enough to tell my mother not to do that again. I do think she was probably trying to help, but I can't believe she didn't know how annoying that would be. The Christmas ornament thing would also bother me, but maybe she doesn't envision you being able to do that even when you get home. She may really believe that was helpful.

The child care issues I would let go. I personally don't think 7:30 is that late for dinner. If I were paying someone one to care for my kids, I would expect them to do what I say. However when a family member is willing to drop everything on her own plate in order to take care of my kids, I expect that they will just try to do their best and it may not be exactly what I would choose. If it really were a problem, I would tell my DH to go home and take care of the kids. My guess is that your mother was worried about how to keep four kids "busy" and happy and distracted when mom is in the hospital, so she was trying to do things with them that would be fun enough to distract them from their worries.

So I guess if your Mom kept your kids safe, I think you got what you paid for. You need positive thoughts and energy right now, so try to let this go and make peace with your Mom and Dad. You dont't need the stress of conflict. If you ever need their help again, THEN would be a good time to set a few boundaries.

Cindyz · November 18, 2012

I guess I'm the weird one out. These things would not have bothered me. I would feel loved that she wanted to help me and make my life easier, and the kids are fine being off routine once in awhile. I'm sure they had a fabulous time even though they were tired and hungry later.

Danestress · November 18, 2012

Good grief. I hate these double, triple, quadruple posts! Sorry. Mostly what I say isn't worth repeating once, let alone 6 times:)

lexi · November 18, 2012

Thank you for all the perspectives. It's really helpful! After reading them and talking to my hubby, this is what we decided.

1) Yes, I'm still slightly annoyed but I'm not going to say anything.

2) We do expect that my parents (or his parents) will do things differently and we're totally ok with that. We are just so sad that our kids got so hungry and upset. It was hard to see them like that. But, I'm going to move on.

3) It's actually the passive aggressive commentary that bugs me most. I had multiple comments about how I should do this, or do that, or not forget this. I also get emails telling me things like my son's pants are too short or that my living room is too dark and I need more lamps or silly little things that become an obsession. She even recruits my dad and grandma to call me about the same issues-or to call my hubby about them.

4) So, I'm mostly upset that the things I do are not to her standard. I'm ok with us doing things differently. But I guess I'm the only one who's ok with it.

5) I don't like the guilt trips I get. I get the tears and the "I'm trying to help" a lot. When they do favors for us they continually remind us. They use it as a way to have the kids come up to visit them-since they helped us, we should send the kids up to them or allow the kids to go somewhere with them. It's really kind of strange.

6) But I'm most upset about the fact that even though I try to let things go-she doesn't let them go. I get many calls about the same issues and my parents still bring up the fact that we moved away. Yes, we moved away 3 years ago for my hubby's job. It was hard on everyone. It was not my first choice. But he loves his job, I love that he HAS a job, and I like where we live. They are still bringing that up and are still upset with us after these years. I don't know how to reply to that.

So, for now, we're just going to make it through the visit. I'm going to be polite but I wish they would ask before they do things, let me do things my way, and stop bringing up the fact that we had to move.

Jennifer3141 · November 18, 2012

Lexi, does your mom have nervous energy?? How on earth do you do all that AND watch multiple kids that aren't yours?? I'm excited to empty the dishwasher somedays and I only have TWO! :laugh:

Dmmetler · November 18, 2012

My guess is that your mom is responding to stress and is keeping her mind busy-and has no intent to step on your toes and insult you (even if she might under other circumstances). So yes, it's annoying, but it's understandable.

kalanamak · November 18, 2012

When I was a college student, I'd come home and scrub the bottoms of all my mom's copper-bottom pots and pans, and I'd take a layer off the top of the ratty old linoleum so that the floor was "cleaner" looking than it had been before. I'm pretty sure that I was fairly judgmental of my mom's housekeeping skills, and I'm thankful that she just laughed it off with an "I couldn't be bothered" and didn't hold it against me for crossing her boundaries.

I did the same kind of thing, but I was just trying to be helpful. I'm lucky my mother loved me, or she would have been right ticked off. I was just young and eager.

Think of it this way: when your mother is very, very old, and you are packing her up and moving her, you'll have real insight into how this, while helpful, could be painful to her, too.

The last few years of my parent's lives I flew back twice a year for a week to clean and organize. I remember, once, my mother protesting about something very sensible I was doing --adjusting a doorway so a wheel chair (which was certainly a possibility in the near future) could get through. I quietly walked into the room the protests were coming from and politely, sadly said: Don't make me the enemy. (I meant the real enemy was old age.) She understood and never complained again, which was a bit of a feat for her.

So, don't make the BEST the enemy of the GOOD. Look into your mother's heart (and just avoid this in future.)

LisaKinVA · November 18, 2012

Yes, it would bug me. And, I'd probably just shake my head and say nothing, because in all likelihood, this would not be the first occurrence of stuff like this.

Ann · November 18, 2012

With more of the history I can see why it bugged you. I would be mildly miffed at the organizing but then figure that it had to be done anyways. The Christmas stuff probably at first but then I would realize that the kids were able to make memories with their grandparents. Finally the kids being off routine would not bother me at all. This is special circumstances so I expect it- once again the memories with grandparents.

celticmom · November 18, 2012

I would be furious, tbh.

Putting up Christmas stuff w/out me? Oh, HECK no. No, no, no.

Taking over my house and reorganizing it to her preferences? No, no no.

Sorry, but there's no way I'd be feeling grateful at all. I'd feel usurped. Completely.

:iagree: This would not have gone over well with me at all and my mother knows it.

UrbanSue · November 18, 2012

The idea of parents and in-laws coming to help when a baby is born--what a concept! Our parents don't do this. So my response will probably be colored by the fact that I would be SO GRATEFUL for postpartum help that I probably wouldn't say anything.

But it wouldn't bother me. I think some people are busy people and need to get out nervous energy and it was probably a lot of "that doesn't look right" that was not at all a condemnation of how you run things but just an instinctive, "I'm here to help! Give me something to do!" response.

The Christmas decorations would bother me a lot but only because we have very strong feelings about how and where and when decorations should happen. If a mother or mil was really trying to execute my plan to save me trouble I'd be disappointed at missing out but not annoyed. I would be livid if it was an attempt to have my kids celebrate differently than I think is appropriate.

Parrothead · November 18, 2012

I find the responses interesting. The reorganizing would bug me, but what would send me over the edge into enraged would be the doing Christmas decorations, ESP the tree, w/out me.

Maybe b/c for us, putting the tree up together is a big deal every year. The idea of missing out on that would be heartbreaking for me.

I agree with you on multiple levels. The doing it without me (and the new baby) would be maddening. Then just the simple fact that it was done before Thanksgiving would bug me to the point that I'd need to put all the Christmas stuff back in the boxes. More work.

maddykate · November 18, 2012

Having someone to come in to take care of the kids, organize my stuff, AND put all the Christmas decorations up for me sounds almost heavenly. I do understand if it frustates you, but maybe offer your parents/inlaws some grace since they put their lives on hold to come help you. Just understand that this will be a different season and be thankful for the support.

Citrusheights5 · November 18, 2012

My MIL did this to my SIL and i watched them go at it. But really a chair shouldn't be there. It is my house and I will put my chair where I damn well please. But .. and on and on.. Seriously I would have reacted the same and have been furious that my mom thought it ok to re-do everything . It really is the passive aggressive- well I will just fix it, poor thing cant do it on her own, BS that is really really insulting! :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

justamouse · November 18, 2012

Yes it would bug me. BUT I might not say anything. Why? Because she was trying to help in the only way she could. Actually the feeding of the kids thing would bother me the most--because it was SO easy to solve in the first place--just give them a decent snack while out.

The rest I would toss up to her thinking I may not want to/have the energy to deal with stuff, trying to make it easier for you.

I am the queen of the call outs. In this, I wouldn't.

Granny_Weatherwax · November 18, 2012

Some of it would bother me, like going through my desk. I guess the rest of it would depend on if everything looked good and was functional.

I thought about it some more and I think the not eating until 7pm would have bothered me, too. I think older adults tend to forget that children need to eat more frequently and that little bodies get used to an eating schedule.

Mrs Mungo · November 18, 2012