Small towns?

[Stayseeliz]

I know there was a recent thread on how hard it is to live in small towns and I was wondering something. Has anyone MOVED to a small town where they did not grow up and eventually felt like they were really accepted? We live in DH's hometown and I really love it but it's HARD to make friends here. Everyone who has grown up here already has their friends that they've been buds with since they were 2. It doesn't help that we're outside the "norm" and homeschool. We actually go to church 30 minutes away in another town because it was so hard to make friends at DH's home church.

 

I really WANT this to be my home and I'm tired of most of my friends and my kids' friends being 30 minutes away. It makes it hard for us to so playdates, etc since all of our friends are in another town. And it's getting old to drive 30 minutes for activities several times a week. Bleh.

 

There is a small college in town and we've made friends with some of the staff's kids as they aren't from here so they are more open to "outsiders" but I'm afraid they're all going to move away!

[itsheresomewhere]

I know there was a recent thread on how hard it is to live in small towns and I was wondering something. Has anyone MOVED to a small town where they did not grow up and eventually felt like they were really accepted? We live in DH's hometown and I really love it but it's HARD to make friends here. Everyone who has grown up here already has their friends that they've been buds with since they were 2. It doesn't help that we're outside the "norm" and homeschool. We actually go to church 30 minutes away in another town because it was so hard to make friends at DH's home church.

 

I really WANT this to be my home and I'm tired of most of my friends and my kids' friends being 30 minutes away. It makes it hard for us to so playdates, etc since all of our friends are in another town. And it's getting old to drive 30 minutes for activities several times a week. Bleh.

 

There is a small college in town and we've made friends with some of the staff's kids as they aren't from here so they are more open to "outsiders" but I'm afraid they're all going to move away!

 

Being honest, no you will more than likely not be accepted if haven't already been. We haven't been and we have been here for years. The ones who moved like us are the ones who have accepted us and are our friends. The natural born townies have not and more than likely will not. My neighbor moved here 25 years ago and still is not as she puts it "one of them". She is the nicest lady you could ever meet. Most of our friends and activities are not here. I wish I could say differently but life here has taught me that I will not be accepted here. I think our town is stuck in some time warp on this.

[milovany]

We live in a smallish college town and I think it's easier to get "accepted" here because there are always new faces every year and the college makes up half the population of the town, so it's just normal. If I did feel unaccepted, I'd ignore it and move on in the same natural spirit of joy/enthusiasm if possible. That might include moving our "center" to the other town (in your situation), because community is important.

[Unicorn.]

:iagree: OP- my brother moved to a small town almost 30 years ago. He is well loved and respected, but he is still an auschlander (outsider), because he wasn't born there. I think you should consider moving 30 minutes away, to the town where you have friends/church/activities, and will fit in more.

[Paige]

We moved to a small town before my oldest was born and stayed until he was 3. I felt very welcomed and accepted. It was the nicest little town ever. We weren't just new, we were new with no connections to the town and from a completely different part of the US. It was a college town, so maybe that made a difference. Or maybe I was completely considered an outsider and never noticed. I can be oblivious.

[Cassy]

What size is a small town? We have lived in our current town (actually a city, as it has a cathedral) for the past six and a half years. It has a population of around 16,000, and is very friendly. Most people have been born here and there are large, complicated families - everyone seems to be related to someone else in some way. However, there are a lot of newcomers like ourselves. We have less than a ten minute walk into town and we always see dozens of people we know. Every activity my children are involved in includes children they know from several other activities or places. I feel very content and at home here.

 

The large village we lived in before we moved here was awful. It had a population of around 2,500, most of whom were newcomers, many were young, aspiring professionals. It was very cliquey, gossipy and excluding. We lived there for five years and it was only during the final year that I didn't feel completely miserable.

[FeFe]

We have moved twice in the last four years both to what is considered "small towns" but they are large to me. I'm not sure what really classifies a town as small. I suppose you're talking about population wise.

 

The first town - it took about 3 years to really feel accepted and to feel like home. It took getting involved in church and extracurricular activities. We no longer homeschool so that helped too. However, there is a homeschool presence so I imagine we would have been fine either way. We moved there with no connections whatsoever and I have to tell you that it feels more like home than the state/town where we grew up and where our family still is. Unfortunately, we had to move in our 4th year. :( But if we had the chance to move back to the state with our family or back to this city all six of us would chose this city. Even our family and friends who visited fell in love with it.

 

Our new town feels big and busy to me but it was recently voted the number one "small" town in America to live in. A lot of people aren't originally from here. I feel welcome but it doesn't quite feel like home yet. I think it takes time. Everyone is friendly but we haven't found a "core" group.

 

I think it's really important to feel connected to your community. I would consider moving to the place you feel most comfortable. I'm not sure how old your children are but the older they get the more they get together with friends. You want to be close to keep them and their friends close, ykwim?

[mytwomonkeys]

i'm from atlanta & we live in a small town now in florida (my neighbors are cows, lol). we moved here last summer from another small town in SC. most people in our area grew up here, are related, or at the very least everyone knows everyone. we attend church a few miles away & my husband is on staff there, so that has aided in the transition greatly, making it much easier to meet people and make friends. the most difficult thing for me is just starting over. i don't have roots or history here. i'm making friends, but that is a process that is cultivated with time. i do miss having people in my life that i have childhood memories from. but the good news is, my kids are growing up in an amazing area. they are making friends & fitting in beautifully. i am making friends too, just at a different pace:)

 

in our previous town, i never made friends really. it was the same situation as here (everyone knew everyone), but my husband worked in charlotte, NC which was 40 miles away. we did not go to church in our town and my kids were homeschooled. so the opportunity to create relationships never really existed. that was a difficult 5 years for me, mainly because i felt my children were short-changed. we grew even closer as a family during that time though - so it worked out just as well i suppose:).

 

ETA - our town is a few thousand probably

Edited November 9, 2012 by mytwomonkeys

[Crimson Wife]

I think it really depends on how much turnover there is. I grew up in a small town (around 5,000 people) but there was a fair amount of turnover as people moved in and out for career reasons. That's a lot different than a small town where people pretty much stay put their whole lives.

[Rident_Mama]

We moved 7 years ago to a small town and were welcomed with open arms. We moved here to start a business and made sure to get involved in the community in positive ways (frequent the library, shop locally as much as possible, volunteered to help with 4th of July activities, etc.). DH closed the business after 2 years, as he could make more working as a Boilermaker, but we're still involved with the town while we're here.

 

We're the only homeschooling family I know of in town (of about 2,000 people) and we go to a Bible group 1.5 hours away.

[----]

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[Stayseeliz]

i'm from atlanta & we live in a small town now in florida (my neighbors are cows, lol). we moved here last summer from another small town in SC. most people in our area grew up here, are related, or at the very least everyone knows everyone. we attend church a few miles away & my husband is on staff there, so that has aided in the transition greatly, making it much easier to meet people and make friends. the most difficult thing for me is just starting over. i don't have roots or history here. i'm making friends, but that is a process that is cultivated with time. i do miss having people in my life that i have childhood memories from. but the good news is, my kids are growing up in an amazing area. they are making friends & fitting in beautifully. i am making friends too, just at a different pace:)

 

in our previous town, i never made friends really. it was the same situation as here (everyone knew everyone), but my husband worked in charlotte, NC which was 40 miles away. we did not go to church in our town and my kids were homeschooled. so the opportunity to create relationships never really existed. that was a difficult 5 years for me, mainly because i felt my children were short-changed. we grew even closer as a family during that time though - so it worked out just as well i suppose:).

 

ETA - our town is a few thousand probably

 

Where did you live in SC??? We live about 50 miles from Charlotte!

[Liz CA]

Some of the responses here surprised me. We moved to a very small town in 1998 (less than 3000 people), lived there for 12 years and were totally accepted. We only moved because we had no choice due to a job change.

 

I wonder if this varies regionally. We are in CA.

[mytwomonkeys]

Where did you live in SC??? We live about 50 miles from Charlotte!

 

we lived in pageland, the "watermelon capital" of the world:D. i will be shocked if you have ever heard of it. people at our church in charlotte (that had lived their since childhood) had never even heard of pageland, lol. it is a town you drive through when heading toward myrtle beach. it looks like mayberry.

[Stayseeliz]

I guess this town really isn't TINY. It's about 35k. We lived in the other town briefly but when an opportunity came to live in this smaller town rent free it was too good to pass up. Originally we did ALL our activities in this other town but it was too much driving ALL the time. Right now we do co-op, OT, church, small group, and art/science in the other town. But we do football, swim team, YMCA and shopping here. DH's work is right down the road, my IL's are right around the corner and we have NO MORTGAGE. And it's not an option to sell as this area is not doing well for selling houses.

 

I have tried to get to know the homeschoolers around here but they are a strange bunch. Homeschooling isnt super popular in this town and the ones that do are WAAAAAAY off the charts. Which is fine, but I don't know if they would click with my kids. We are going to continue to try, though.

 

I WANT this to be my home. I love my neighborhood and neighbors but I want close friends for me and my kids here. We will continue to go to church in the other town but I'm praying for more friends here.

[Stayseeliz]

we lived in pageland, the "watermelon capital" of the world:D. i will be shocked if you have ever heard of it. people at our church in charlotte (that had lived their since childhood) had never even heard of pageland, lol. it is a town you drive through when heading toward myrtle beach. it looks like mayberry.

 

I *think* DH has a client there. I'm sure he's driven through there! Watermelons! Nice! :)

[mytwomonkeys]

 

I have tried to get to know the homeschoolers around here but they are a strange bunch. Homeschooling isnt super popular in this town and the ones that do are WAAAAAAY off the charts. Which is fine, but I don't know if they would click with my kids. We are going to continue to try, though.

 

it's too bad you don't live closer to charlotte. i drove to fort mill & charlotte for all of our homeschool activities. there are over 10,000 homeschoolers there. it was really awesome!

[freeindeed]

We moved to hubby's small hometown eight years ago. I still feel like an outsider, but I don't even care anymore.;) I have several close friends who live here, but they're fellow outsiders--as in also NOT from this town.

[edelweiss]

it's too bad you don't live closer to charlotte. i drove to fort mill & charlotte for all of our homeschool activities. there are over 10,000 homeschoolers there. it was really awesome!

 

Interesting. I lived in Ft. Mill for several years before I started homeschooling (I moved when DD12 was almost 2). I had no idea that they had a large homeschooling population there. That is nice to hear. :001_smile:

[mommymilkies]

I agree it is MUCH easier in college towns. But not here. I've talked to many people that have lived here even 20-40+ years and you are never accepted. You will forever be an outsider!

[sbgrace]

We moved to a small town and lived there for 15 years. All those years our friends were always "fellow imports" without exception. I don't mean other people were unfriendly but there was something closed about relationships in those born and bred it seemed.

 

I guess we were never part of the town in the sense that others felt they were. But I didn't mind it. As long as I had my connections I didn't care what others were doing.

[HappyCrazyMama]

We moved to a teeny town of 1200 people (that number may actually be inflated ;)) 3 1/2 years ago. I love our town. Yes, almost everybody knows each other, or they know their cousin, or grandparent, etc..., but I feel as though our family has been very accepted. People know our names and everywhere we go someone says hello.

This is our experience too. We moved to a town of about 900 ten years ago. Yes everybody knew each other, goodness, a lot the street names bear the same name as the residents that live on them.:tongue_smilie: It was odd at first because they all knew us, being new in town, before we knew them. We would have a conversation with someone and afterwords ask each other, "who the heck was that.":lol: I have never felt as if I didn't belong just because we are transplants. I think it's really cool that a lot of these families have been here since their ancestors homesteaded here over 100 years ago.:)

[swellmomma]

I know there was a recent thread on how hard it is to live in small towns and I was wondering something. Has anyone MOVED to a small town where they did not grow up and eventually felt like they were really accepted? We live in DH's hometown and I really love it but it's HARD to make friends here. Everyone who has grown up here already has their friends that they've been buds with since they were 2. It doesn't help that we're outside the "norm" and homeschool. We actually go to church 30 minutes away in another town because it was so hard to make friends at DH's home church.

 

I really WANT this to be my home and I'm tired of most of my friends and my kids' friends being 30 minutes away. It makes it hard for us to so playdates, etc since all of our friends are in another town. And it's getting old to drive 30 minutes for activities several times a week. Bleh.

 

There is a small college in town and we've made friends with some of the staff's kids as they aren't from here so they are more open to "outsiders" but I'm afraid they're all going to move away!

 

Nope. Some have been more accepting than others, but in none have I ever felt like I truly belonged. Even when they are more accepting outsiders are outsiders and there is always a barrier there.

[Jackie in NE]

I don't know. I've had to be a little bit philosophical about this. We bought a ranch in the middle of nowhere about 5 years ago. The nearest town has a population of 250 people. No joke! Most people are related. But we have absolutely no ties there. Didn't know a soul when we bought the place. At first it bothered me that everyone seemed to know everything about us. I couldn't remember ANYBODY'S name. But they all knew me. They were friendly, though. As ranchers, we have to help each other with seasonal work. So that situation is different for us than it is for you. But we got to know and appreciate each other that way. Last year, one of the life-time inhabitants told me, "We don't have a lot to offer here. No big shopping centers; not even a theatre. But we all look out for each other, and if someone wants to be a part of our community, we will make it possible. We will find them a job, we will look after their children." That was a great comfort to me. I want to be a part of the community.... because that's where my dh wants to be. I think it can be a good life for us.... if I choose to see the good, and shrug off the annoying. Know what I mean?

[mumto2]

You can be born in a smallish town and never really be accepted too. I was born where my family still lives my older brother was not. A few months ago someone asked us how long it would take to belong there, my older brother, who is a big part of tons of social groups , responded that he still did not belong and felt it because he was born elsewhere. I started laughing and said I sure did not belong but was born there. He had to agree--he had forgotten that I was born there! I left for college and have never lived there since. I even had my wedding somewhere else.

 

Now I live in a large(5000) village in the UK. We have been here 5 years. While I will never really completely belong-- no British accent-- I probably have a better social life then I would back in my hometown. But we have had to work really hard at it. The people are kind and friendly. Great to my kids. Since we are the home ed population here our school friends live elsewhere!

[4wildberrys]

I know there was a recent thread on how hard it is to live in small towns and I was wondering something. Has anyone MOVED to a small town where they did not grow up and eventually felt like they were really accepted? We live in DH's hometown and I really love it but it's HARD to make friends here. Everyone who has grown up here already has their friends that they've been buds with since they were 2. It doesn't help that we're outside the "norm" and homeschool. We actually go to church 30 minutes away in another town because it was so hard to make friends at DH's home church.

 

I really WANT this to be my home and I'm tired of most of my friends and my kids' friends being 30 minutes away. It makes it hard for us to so playdates, etc since all of our friends are in another town. And it's getting old to drive 30 minutes for activities several times a week. Bleh.

 

There is a small college in town and we've made friends with some of the staff's kids as they aren't from here so they are more open to "outsiders" but I'm afraid they're all going to move away!

 

YES, we moved to a small town we did not grow up in and NO we have no real friends here. It's a very small town, with less than 7500 in the entire county and we are 150 miles away from any other town in every direction. We dont' fit in with the locals, who yes all did grow up here and have know each other since they were babies, and we are not Govt workers and don't support Govt schools because we homeschool. We have lived here for almost 19 years, and have no meaningful or close social circle. :001_huh:

[4wildberrys]

Some of the responses here surprised me. We moved to a very small town in 1998 (less than 3000 people), lived there for 12 years and were totally accepted. We only moved because we had no choice due to a job change.

 

I wonder if this varies regionally. We are in CA.

Yes, I believe it absolutely is regional!

[Word Nerd]

I have a lot more acquaintances here in our town of ~800 than I did when we lived in a place with ~100,000. I haven't made any close IRL friends outside of a few work friends since college. I'd like that to be different, but it is what it is. I don't feel like a native here, but I also don't feel like an outcast or out of place.

[J-rap]

We moved to a small town 19 years ago (pop 5,000). We knew one person ahead of time, and that was all. The majority of people here have lived here all their lives. It took some time, but we feel very much accepted and part of the community.

 

I think the trick is to get involved. We have given a lot of time to various events and organizations over the years, and I think that helped a lot. Having children helped too, because you meet other parents at youth events and end up working on projects together.

 

Interestingly, most of our best friends have lived here under 25 years, like us.

[Stayseeliz]

You know I really don't care about being carried through the streets like a hero but I want friends here and friends for my kids. Part of the issue is that I wasn't raised in the "South" which is where we live now. I don't like country music, we don't own a truck, etc. I have nothing against those things but they just aren't what I like. I think this causes some issue. I was talking to someone the other day that I've met through swim team. She doesn't homeschool but she said she thinks there are a lot of homeschoolers in town and they just need to be connected. I hope that's true. I'm going to try to get more involved here and see what happens. I think I'm going to cut out gymnastics in the other town and start one of mine in dance here and start the big kids in art here. Hopefully that will help us get to know people too. I did some gas mileage calculations on our activities here and it was a shocker!

[sparrow]

Have you tried volunteering in your community? I've found volunteering to be the easiest and fastest way to forge friendships.

[mommaduck]

I agree it is MUCH easier in college towns. But not here. I've talked to many people that have lived here even 20-40+ years and you are never accepted. You will forever be an outsider!

 

:iagree: I lived in a college town in S IL after coming back stateside and was never fully accepted...even the teachers picked on the outsiders. I do keep in touch with some classmates, but many of them moved out of that town to other small towns...where they also have relatives. McKendree College Library was a blessing though...I would hide in there with a book for hours.

[LaxMom]

Have you tried volunteering in your community? I've found volunteering to be the easiest and fastest way to forge friendships.

 

Yeah, or getting a part time job in a community oriented organization. We moved here in '99, and I spent 11 years in relative anonymity (slightly over 4,000 people, in a very rural county). Then, I started working for the Y. Now, I can't go anywhere without knowing people. It's very strange.

[swellmomma]

Have you tried volunteering in your community? I've found volunteering to be the easiest and fastest way to forge friendships.

 

Yeah, or getting a part time job in a community oriented organization. We moved here in '99, and I spent 11 years in relative anonymity (slightly over 4,000 people, in a very rural county). Then, I started working for the Y. Now, I can't go anywhere without knowing people. It's very strange.

 

These are great ideas and do work if the opportunities present themselves. I think that is why we are so accepted in the next town over, I worked there, I volunteered there, all the kids activities are there etc. That town has 5000 people, has the fire training school and a college so they are more open to outsiders. If we could afford to move there we would. As it is because of that involvement when I walk down the street there people call us by name to say hi, or chat for a minute, the children that I worked with stop me for a hug etc. Walk into a store and chit chat with the clerks and customers because I have seen them a hundred times.

 

Instead we are in this village of 750 that is filled with small minded hicks that don't give one wit about anyone or anything. There is no work in town, most of the businesses have shut down, and no one volunteers. I tried to start a boy scout troop this year, and could find no sponsors (even the "service" group that is supposed to do stuff like that doesn't, they meet once a month to drink but never do any service), no venue, the posters ripped down, threats to my family etc. Some places it doesn't matter if you are a good person willing to contribute to the community you are seen as less than because you, your parents and your grandparents didn't grow up there and attend the local school.

 

The other small towns we lived in were somewhere in the middle of these too. NOt closed off completely like this one, yet not the way it is in the next one over. Lots of acquaintances that will wave hi, but nothing more kwim.

 

I don't have friends in any of the small towns we lived in, but I didn't have many in the big city either. The biggest difference I found which surprised me was in the big city I knew my neighbors well, and had coffee with them daily, we looked out for each other. Every small town I lived in the neighbors have kept to themselves, I don't know their names, we don't talk, no one looks out for anyone but themselves. It's things like that, that make it hard to be anything but an outsider in a small town.

[Word Nerd]

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[Mimm]

I lived for five years during my teen years in a small town of around 2700. If I can help it, I will never ever live in a small town again. The town was full of gossips who would lie about you if you weren't doing anything interesting enough. And unless you have the right last name, forget it. You will never be accepted. All my siblings have left there as soon as they could and it's heartbreaking to my mother who doesn't get to see us very often as a result. But she understands as well because she hates it there and wants to leave.

[Thea]

I've lived in a smallish town (6,600) for the past 15 years. I *did* get very involved in the county (small county approx 45k residents) and had an awful experience. I won't be accepted and I'm perfectly ok with that. Thankfully the kids have done pretty well even though we've homeschooled.

[Stayseeliz]

I think I'm going to see if we can start volunteering at the crisis pregnancy center. I just don't have time to volunteer on my own right now with 4 kids under 11. We are getting to know people through swim team and that's fun. I guess I'm just being impatient. We lived in the other town from 2005-2008 and we've been back here since then but most of our activities were focused on the other town. I'm trying to move things this way.

 

I really LIKE the size of the town. I wish they had a Target and Publix but other than that it's pretty cool. We live in a beautiful area and the cost of living is great. But I just haven't found many "like-minded" people here yet.

[somo_chickenlady]

Not us. We're actually getting ready to move out of here. We live outside of a TINY town of only 80 people (most people live rurally outside of the town...the school itself has 125 students K-12), and after 2 years we are still treated like freaks. No one will speak to us, and we are treated very rudely. Just like with Mimm, if you don't have the right last name, you are nothing and not worth their time. I will never live in a small town ever again.

[sparrow]

I guess this town really isn't TINY. It's about 35k. We lived in the other town briefly but when an opportunity came to live in this smaller town rent free it was too good to pass up. Originally we did ALL our activities in this other town but it was too much driving ALL the time. Right now we do co-op, OT, church, small group, and art/science in the other town. But we do football, swim team, YMCA and shopping here. DH's work is right down the road, my IL's are right around the corner and we have NO MORTGAGE. And it's not an option to sell as this area is not doing well for selling houses.

 

I have tried to get to know the homeschoolers around here but they are a strange bunch. Homeschooling isnt super popular in this town and the ones that do are WAAAAAAY off the charts. Which is fine, but I don't know if they would click with my kids. We are going to continue to try, though.

 

I WANT this to be my home. I love my neighborhood and neighbors but I want close friends for me and my kids here. We will continue to go to church in the other town but I'm praying for more friends here.

 

Not us. We're actually getting ready to move out of here. We live outside of a TINY town of only 80 people (most people live rurally outside of the town...the school itself has 125 students K-12), and after 2 years we are still treated like freaks. No one will speak to us, and we are treated very rudely. Just like with Mimm, if you don't have the right last name, you are nothing and not worth their time. I will never live in a small town ever again.

 

I think Stayseeliz will have a better chance of finding *someone* to connect with in a population of 35,000 versus a town of 80. Eighty would make it very tough. Don't write off all small towns ;).

 

We have a population of about 8,000. Small enough that a lot of people know each other and it's a good idea to keep your mouth shut on how you *really* feel about the woman that works in your doctor's office because you could be talking to her aunt :D, but big enough you can be somewhat anonymous, if you want to be.

 

Stayseeliz, if you can carve out an hour a week, at the organization of your choosing, I really think you'll find like-minded folks. The important thing is going every week (or at least twice a month) and making yourself familiar.

 

Best wishes. It it tough. We moved in 2007 from an area with a population of 115k to one with 8k and it wasn't until the last couple of years that I figured out that volunteering made me feel good and made me some good friends!

[Kim in Appalachia]

Being honest, no you will more than likely not be accepted if haven't already been. We haven't been and we have been here for years. The ones who moved like us are the ones who have accepted us and are our friends. The natural born townies have not and more than likely will not. My neighbor moved here 25 years ago and still is not as she puts it "one of them". She is the nicest lady you could ever meet. Most of our friends and activities are not here. I wish I could say differently but life here has taught me that I will not be accepted here. I think our town is stuck in some time warp on this.

 

:iagree:

 

I live in the same kind of town. It's just stuck, and honestly it will never change.

[Elizabeth in MN]

We have lived in a small town (population 4400) for going on nine years. My DD and I have no friends. My Mom has been able to make a few friends. It's really odd because I have lived in small towns most of my life and am use to being the outsider. With my parents as ministers it normally gives us a foot in the door, so to speak. Not here.

 

My daughter and I have worked hard at making friends. We've done the rounds of after school activities, she went to public school briefly, we do what we can with the home school community, play at parks, EVERYTHING. Nothing has worked.