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If you tell a friend you will bring the kids to a movie....


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I usually tell the price so they know (and hopefully understand it's Dutch).

 

For example "We are going to the movies tomorrow and we'd love to bring your children along. I checked and the matinee prices are $6.50 for children. Let me know if you guys are able to go! Would love to see you!".

 

Usually that opens the conversation.....if I were the parent receiving that message, I would then respond if the family plans to purchase from snack bar so I know if I need to send $$ along for that.

 

If I am the parent SENDING this, and the friend responds that "Yes, my children would love to go", but doesn't necessarily state that it's clear it's Dutch treat, or if there is a history of friend expecting me to pay", I'd then clarify in my next email with this:

 

"Great, can't wait to see them! We'll be over about 2p.m.to pick them up. Also, we normally get a soda and popcorn from the snack bar, if you want to send extra $$ along for snacks too."

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When you make the offer to take the kids you should include that information.

 

For example, "I'm taking my kids to see MovieA, at 1pm at XYZ Theatre. Since it's a matinee it only costs $$. If you want I can pick up your kids along the way. Just make sure they have the money for the tickets with them. Also they may/may not bring money for snacks because we always do/don't do snacks at the theater.

 

I also agree/disagree with sneaking treats into the theater. So I will/will not be bring XYZ. If your kids are coming I can bring along some for them.

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I don't know...personally if my kids are invited to the movies with another family without me, I would send money along for the movie and snacks without being asked or prompted. That just seems like good manners that shouldn't be questioned.

 

Goodness, even if the other family said they would pay I would still decline and say, " oh thank you but no worries, I'll send money along with them."

 

If i didn't have the money, my kids wouldn't go.

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If you invite, you should pay. Now if you talk about "meeting up" at the movie, then that implies each party paying its own way.

 

I do agree but here is the situation. My friend has some troubled adopted boys who constantly wreak havoc on their lives and in their home. Because of this, the mom tries to get her dd out of the house regularly. I am perfectly fine with hosting all the time, but I am also doing 100% of the driving at classes we've signed up for (I will be changing this) and I am the only one taking the girls out. Dd will not be going to their house ever, something agreed upon with friend and I as we don't want her exposed to my friend's crazy boys.

 

So, it is likely always going to be me taking them out and hosting get togethers.

 

If most agree I need to pay still, we won't go to the movies. I will take dd alone.

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Is this your older dd? Are they old enough to be dropped off and picked up? (I can't remember how old she is.) If so, have her call the friend and ask if she wants to meet at the movies. Then, if she just needs a ride, or you and the mom agree split driving time, it's kind of obvious she should bring money. (At least around here!)

 

If she's too young to go alone, then I agree with the pp that thought you should pay if you invite.

 

It's very nice of you to help the mom and daughter!

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If you invite, you should pay. Now if you talk about "meeting up" at the movie, then that implies each party paying its own way.

 

:iagree: If we invite just the kids then we pay, but if me are meeting another mom and kids there, then we each pay for our own families.

 

I would find a free activity to do.

 

ETA: just read your post on pg 2. In that case I would ask her to pay and let her know you are happy to take her dd out regularly, but you cannot afford to pay for outings. She may offer to pay or she may tell you to find free things to do, but at least the expectations would gone. If she is dealing with the boys, then the thought may not even cross her mind to pay.

Edited by dwkilburn1
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I do agree but here is the situation. My friend has some troubled adopted boys who constantly wreak havoc on their lives and in their home. Because of this, the mom tries to get her dd out of the house regularly. I am perfectly fine with hosting all the time, but I am also doing 100% of the driving at classes we've signed up for (I will be changing this) and I am the only one taking the girls out. Dd will not be going to their house ever, something agreed upon with friend and I as we don't want her exposed to my friend's crazy boys.

 

So, it is likely always going to be me taking them out and hosting get togethers.

 

If most agree I need to pay still, we won't go to the movies. I will take dd alone.

 

Would you be driving to those classes anyway, even if her DD wasn't going?

 

In your specific case, I'd just talk to your friend about paying for the movies, as you can't afford it any more.

 

As for the driving, if you'd be going anyway, I wouldn't change a thing. But if you go out of your way to pick her up, then maybe mention the gas prices?

 

I regularly drive DD's friend to their activities, it is over 1 hour one way. They've offered to split the gas. However, I'd be going anyway as DD takes the same class at the same time, and it takes me only 2 minutes to pick her up. I don't feel it is right to accept the gas money.

 

If you can't afford the gas and the movies, I'd explain this to your friend, and I'm sure she'd be understanding.

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If you can't afford to take both girls to the movies, just tell them mom that something has come up and there is a change of plans which includes no movie. But you can still take the other girl for the afternoon (if you are willing).

 

If other mom insists on trying to find out what happened just say it is a deeply personal matter.

 

Then lesson learned. Next time the girls want to go to the movies tell the other mom you are willing to drive for dutch treat movie day.

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i'm sorry, I haven't been clear.

 

I have not asked the girl to go to the movies yet. While we are definitely financially squeezed at the moment, it's not that as much as it is that I take the girls around at least a couple days per week. If they want to do something that costs money, I need it to be Dutch. I can't keep up with the current pattern. It will be just as easy not to take them out, but not as fun for the girls. :001_smile:

 

This is a movie dd and I have been wanting to see, one we have been talking about seeing together. so I'm not going to drop them off, and I may ot even offer to bring the girl.

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I do agree but here is the situation. My friend has some troubled adopted boys who constantly wreak havoc on their lives and in their home. Because of this, the mom tries to get her dd out of the house regularly. I am perfectly fine with hosting all the time, but I am also doing 100% of the driving at classes we've signed up for (I will be changing this) and I am the only one taking the girls out. Dd will not be going to their house ever, something agreed upon with friend and I as we don't want her exposed to my friend's crazy boys.

 

So, it is likely always going to be me taking them out and hosting get togethers.

 

If most agree I need to pay still, we won't go to the movies. I will take dd alone.

 

Nope, she needs to pay for her kid. You are doing her a favor by taking her dd places and getting her out of the house. You can say "The girls want to go see xyz movie. I don't mind taking them, but wanted to make sure it was in your budget." or something similar. Otherwise, no movie for her dd.

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I knew you did :) I misunderstood though that you had not asked the child yet. So if this is more then you want to spend, I would take the other's advise and just bring it up when you invite and let the mom know how much the tickets cost. I'm sure, or I guess I should say I hope, she will be more then willing to contribute her daughter's fair share.

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It can be hard on both sides.

 

DD has a friend with parents that are divorcing. The mom has figured out that if she invites her dd and mine to the movies, her dd is more likely to spend time with her. I know the mom lives hand to mouth right now and is pinching pennies in other ways to make ends meet. The problem lies in the fact that I don't want to give dd $10+ to go to the movies every weekend! She invites my dd along with her dd, so I do feel like she should pay, but on the other hand, I know she can't afford it. :banghead: I have decided to pay every other time, and let the other mom do the rest. I figure it is her situation, not mine, but I will contribute $20 a month. A big problem with this, is that the mom calls to invite her dd, who invites my dd (with the mothers blessing), but no one ever talks to me. I am usually at work on Saturdays, so I just come home to find them gone.

 

 

For me, when I invite....I pay. UNLESS, I tell everyone up front that they will need to pay their own way (if they want to join us). In this circumstance, I talk to the parents, not the kids. I don't think it is fair to invite a kid, let them get excited about it, and then hit up the parent for money to pay for it. In this case I just say something like "Hey we are all going Dutch to the movies this afternoon, it will be $8 pp if you want to join us."

Edited by Tap, tap, tap
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I do think there's a difference between inviting someone to come and saying to a parent friend that you have an easy opportunity to take her kids out if she's so inclined. In the first, you're inviting the child. In the second, you're offering a favor to the adult. I'd just make it clear that it's the latter.

 

Since this is clearly a situation that's gone on for a bit, I'd just say that straight out something like, "I'd really like to take her off your hands whenever I can. When we do things like movies, bowling, etc. then that's an easy time for me to do it and fun for everyone. But I can't be in the position of paying for her. If you can't send her that's fine and I'm sure I'll have times when I can help out and we're not doing something that costs money."

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i'm sorry, I haven't been clear.

 

I have not asked the girl to go to the movies yet. While we are definitely financially squeezed at the moment, it's not that as much as it is that I take the girls around at least a couple days per week. If they want to do something that costs money, I need it to be Dutch. I can't keep up with the current pattern. It will be just as easy not to take them out, but not as fun for the girls. :001_smile:

 

This is a movie dd and I have been wanting to see, one we have been talking about seeing together. so I'm not going to drop them off, and I may ot even offer to bring the girl.

 

It sounds like you are going to be connected for a while, so I would tell her what you told us.

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In your particular situation, I would try to just be honest with the mom. I would set a budget for you and your dd and then tell the mom, something like this.

 

"I have been trying to get our extra spending on a budget so I am going to need to start limiting some of the expense on our fun days out. If you are willing to chip in some movie tickets and lunch each month or tickets to xyz, I don't mind spending the time taking the girls out and about, but I just need to put a limit on my spending a bit. If it is a hard time for you also, I understand, but I wanted to let you know so you understand if I am not able to treat both girls all the time anymore. "

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I do not agree with the "if you invite you should pay" thing at all. You're not asking someone on a date. You're taking your kids out and extending the option for another family or kid to join you if they desire- they can accept or decline. If they accept they should pay for themselves! If it isn't in their budget to do so they should decline and say, "Thanks for the invite but we can't make it this time."

 

My kids often want to have friends along in our various outings. Who can afford to pay for someone else all the time?! I'd just say this is what we're doing, this is what it costs, let us know if you'd like to go along too.

 

I would never in a million years dream of sending my kids on outings with friends without sending enough money for them to pay their own way. I'd never dream of being expected to pay for someone else any time we asked if friends wanted to tag along on our outings. I'd be shocked if someone else just expected that I'd pay their way, too.

 

If it's like a birthday party for my kids, I'm paying for everyone. If it's just a typical going for fun outing, I'm paying for my family and you can pay for yours.

Edited by NanceXToo
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I do not agree with the "if you invite you should pay" thing at all. You're not asking someone on a date. You're taking your kids out and extending the option for another family or kid to join you if they desire- they can accept or decline. If they accept they should pay for themselves! If it isn't in their budget to do so they should decline and say, "Thanks for the invite but we can't make it this time."

 

My kids often want to have friends along in our various outings. Who can afford to pay for someone else all the time?! I'd just say this is what we're doing, this is what it costs, let us know if you'd like to go along too.

 

I would never in a million years dream of sending my kids on outings with friends without sending enough money for them to pay their own way. I'd never dream of being expected to pay for someone else any time we asked if friends wanted to tag along on our outings. I'd be shocked if someone else just expected that I'd pay their way, too.

 

If it's like a birthday party for my kids, I'm paying for everyone. If it's just a typical going for fun outing, I'm paying for my family and you can pay for yours.

:iagree: It seems like I may be in the minority, but that's what I've always seen. I would always send money with ds and everyone else always sends money for their kids (with birthdays being the exception.) It wouldn't occur to me for it to be any other way.

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I do agree but here is the situation. My friend has some troubled adopted boys who constantly wreak havoc on their lives and in their home. Because of this, the mom tries to get her dd out of the house regularly. I am perfectly fine with hosting all the time, but I am also doing 100% of the driving at classes we've signed up for (I will be changing this) and I am the only one taking the girls out. Dd will not be going to their house ever, something agreed upon with friend and I as we don't want her exposed to my friend's crazy boys.

 

So, it is likely always going to be me taking them out and hosting get togethers.

 

If most agree I need to pay still, we won't go to the movies. I will take dd alone.

 

No, you don't need to pay. You should feel free to say, "We'll be going to x movie on Friday. I'd be glad to pick up ____ and take her along, but I'd need her to buy her own ticket."

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I think there are shades of vocabulary in these situations that form the social expectations. It's hard to articulate. "Would you like to go to lunch together?" means going Dutch, but, "Can I take you out for lunch?" means the invitee is not expected to pay. Both of those are 'invitations' but our culture tells us the meaning of the wording.

 

Kids are not good at this, and the key words are not so clear if you are inviting in the 3rd person (can 'she' come?) rather than the 2nd person (will 'you' come). So it gets confusing when kids are involved.

 

A good phrase might be, "Is Child able to join us?" Other key words like 'coming along' and 'meeting up' or 'car poolig to' are helpful, as well as mentioning the price. Myself, I'm blunt. If I mean 'my treat' I say it. If not, I say, "Sorry, this isn't going to be my treat. I just thought it would be fun to do it together if we can / have child join us if s/he can."

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Nope, she needs to pay for her kid. You are doing her a favor by taking her dd places and getting her out of the house. You can say "The girls want to go see xyz movie. I don't mind taking them, but wanted to make sure it was in your budget." or something similar. Otherwise, no movie for her dd.

 

I love the wording here!!

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I don't know...personally if my kids are invited to the movies with another family without me, I would send money along for the movie and snacks without being asked or prompted. That just seems like good manners that shouldn't be questioned.

 

Goodness, even if the other family said they would pay I would still decline and say, " oh thank you but no worries, I'll send money along with them."

 

If i didn't have the money, my kids wouldn't go.

 

:iagree:

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I do not agree with the "if you invite you should pay" thing at all. You're not asking someone on a date. You're taking your kids out and extending the option for another family or kid to join you if they desire- they can accept or decline. If they accept they should pay for themselves! If it isn't in their budget to do so they should decline and say, "Thanks for the invite but we can't make it this time."

 

My kids often want to have friends along in our various outings. Who can afford to pay for someone else all the time?! I'd just say this is what we're doing, this is what it costs, let us know if you'd like to go along too.

 

I would never in a million years dream of sending my kids on outings with friends without sending enough money for them to pay their own way. I'd never dream of being expected to pay for someone else any time we asked if friends wanted to tag along on our outings. I'd be shocked if someone else just expected that I'd pay their way, too.

 

 

:iagree:

 

It's all in the wording. If I'm asking someone, "Do you want to go with us" or "Do you want us to take DD with us?" to me (and all of my friends) that means coming along but on your own dime. If I am offering to pay, I usually make it very clear by saying, "I would like to take you out to __" or "I would like to take DD out with us", and I usually add "my treat" or "our treat" to be extra clear.

 

 

If it was expected I pay every time I invite someone to "go with" I'd have to stop inviting.

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I do not agree with the "if you invite you should pay" thing at all. You're not asking someone on a date. You're taking your kids out and extending the option for another family or kid to join you if they desire- they can accept or decline. If they accept they should pay for themselves! If it isn't in their budget to do so they should decline and say, "Thanks for the invite but we can't make it this time."

 

My kids often want to have friends along in our various outings. Who can afford to pay for someone else all the time?! I'd just say this is what we're doing, this is what it costs, let us know if you'd like to go along too.

 

I would never in a million years dream of sending my kids on outings with friends without sending enough money for them to pay their own way. I'd never dream of being expected to pay for someone else any time we asked if friends wanted to tag along on our outings. I'd be shocked if someone else just expected that I'd pay their way, too.

 

If it's like a birthday party for my kids, I'm paying for everyone. If it's just a typical going for fun outing, I'm paying for my family and you can pay for yours.

 

:iagree: we take extra kids with us all the time, but we don't pay for them. Maybe it's a larger family thing, but the polite expectation where we live is that each kids pays his/her own way regardless of how the invite was extended. Most families in our community have 4 kids, so everyone shares rides and switches kids. We view it as helping out rather than hosting.

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OP,

 

I would just say the cost out front together with the invite. Like "Would your daughter like to go with us to XYZ movie at ABC theatre? It would be at (time) and cost $(ticket cost)."

 

When cost is not stated in the invite, it tends to make people think the host is treating. I would ask the host but I have seen embarrassing situations where the host collect money and the drop off parent has not brought spare cash.

 

It's all in the wording.... If I am offering to pay, I usually make it very clear by saying, "I would like to take you out to __" or "I would like to take DD out with us", and I usually add "my treat" or "our treat" to be extra clear.

 

:iagree: If there is no mention of the host "treating", I would pay for my kids. After all I am already saving time and money by not having to bring my kids myself.

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In my circle of friends, it would never be assumed that the inviting parent was paying. An outing to the theater here costs around $10...and with a large group, that can get very expensive very fast.

 

But maybe this isn't the norm. Dh coached soccer and invited parents and kids to come to an end-of-season pizza party at a local restaurant. We assumed that families would attend togehter, and were quite shocked when the majority of the players (8-9 yr olds) were dropped off at the restaurant with no money. Apparently we were supposed to buy their lunch, supervise them, as well as volunteer as coaches for countless hours that season.

 

It seemed very odd..but maybe I'm the odd one.

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I do not agree with the "if you invite you should pay" thing at all. You're not asking someone on a date. You're taking your kids out and extending the option for another family or kid to join you if they desire- they can accept or decline. If they accept they should pay for themselves! If it isn't in their budget to do so they should decline and say, "Thanks for the invite but we can't make it this time."

 

My kids often want to have friends along in our various outings. Who can afford to pay for someone else all the time?! I'd just say this is what we're doing, this is what it costs, let us know if you'd like to go along too.

 

I would never in a million years dream of sending my kids on outings with friends without sending enough money for them to pay their own way. I'd never dream of being expected to pay for someone else any time we asked if friends wanted to tag along on our outings. I'd be shocked if someone else just expected that I'd pay their way, too.

 

If it's like a birthday party for my kids, I'm paying for everyone. If it's just a typical going for fun outing, I'm paying for my family and you can pay for yours.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

I would not assume the other parent was paying either. I cannot imagine people assuming that around here either, at least not in my circle.

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Just to be clear on my stance, if we invite a friend to go with us, I always expect to pay. Sometimes the other mom insists on sending money, and that's okay, but I usually pay anyway. If Indy is invited somewhere, I always send money (though more frequently than not it comes back, as they apparently feel the same way), but I don't expect if from the kids we've invited. If I invite them, or ask them to 'join us' or any of the other ways you can phrase it, I expect to pay. If we had made plans to meet another family at an activity (meaning one where we all decided "Hey why don't we go out and do XYZ?"), I would expect it to be Dutch.

 

OP, if you can't afford it (movies are expensive), just don't invite the girl. You're not obligated. If your daughter wants to hang out with her, find something free they can do another day.

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I do agree but here is the situation. My friend has some troubled adopted boys who constantly wreak havoc on their lives and in their home. Because of this, the mom tries to get her dd out of the house regularly. I am perfectly fine with hosting all the time, but I am also doing 100% of the driving at classes we've signed up for (I will be changing this) and I am the only one taking the girls out. Dd will not be going to their house ever, something agreed upon with friend and I as we don't want her exposed to my friend's crazy boys.

 

So, it is likely always going to be me taking them out and hosting get togethers.

 

If most agree I need to pay still, we won't go to the movies. I will take dd alone.

Sounds liek you are doing a great thing- but I would definitely make it clear that she has to buy her own tickets. It's almost like you're babysitting, only for free... Just tell her int he futre that she'll need to buy her own tickets- and maybe look into discoutn movie cards or whatever.

 

I do not agree with the "if you invite you should pay" thing at all. You're not asking someone on a date. You're taking your kids out and extending the option for another family or kid to join you if they desire- they can accept or decline. If they accept they should pay for themselves! If it isn't in their budget to do so they should decline and say, "Thanks for the invite but we can't make it this time."

 

My kids often want to have friends along in our various outings. Who can afford to pay for someone else all the time?! I'd just say this is what we're doing, this is what it costs, let us know if you'd like to go along too.

 

I would never in a million years dream of sending my kids on outings with friends without sending enough money for them to pay their own way. I'd never dream of being expected to pay for someone else any time we asked if friends wanted to tag along on our outings. I'd be shocked if someone else just expected that I'd pay their way, too.

 

If it's like a birthday party for my kids, I'm paying for everyone. If it's just a typical going for fun outing, I'm paying for my family and you can pay for yours.

:iagree: Yeah... same here. If the inviting parent offers to treat- great... otherwise it;s assumed that each kid pays their own way.

 

In my circle of friends, it would never be assumed that the inviting parent was paying. An outing to the theater here costs around $10...and with a large group, that can get very expensive very fast.

 

But maybe this isn't the norm. Dh coached soccer and invited parents and kids to come to an end-of-season pizza party at a local restaurant. We assumed that families would attend togehter, and were quite shocked when the majority of the players (8-9 yr olds) were dropped off at the restaurant with no money. Apparently we were supposed to buy their lunch, supervise them, as well as volunteer as coaches for countless hours that season.

 

It seemed very odd..but maybe I'm the odd one.

Suggestion box for next year's pizza party: Send home a flyer with the details- time, location, etc. and require people to pay in advance. Also include a line saying that each child must be accompanied by a parent or suitable chaperone, as you cannot be responsible for supervising everyone in a public place. :D Be very specific, and remember to include a tip for the servers.

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For example "We are going to the movies tomorrow and we'd love to bring your children along. I checked and the matinee prices are $6.50 for children. Let me know if you guys are able to go!

:iagree:

 

I do agree but here is the situation. My friend has some troubled adopted boys who constantly wreak havoc on their lives and in their home. Because of this, the mom tries to get her dd out of the house regularly.

 

In that situation I think the mother will glady and without prompting send money so that you continue the kindness! Still, I would phrase it as suggested above and just be direct if she doesn't send money this time.

 

You are being incredibly thoughtful and while it may be taxing at times, your daughter will benefit from your example of kindness to those who are struggling.

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I definitely think that by inviting someone you're offering to pay. Growing up that's how things were except for close family where money was always offered. Even now that's how it is, if we invited a child to go along with us somewhere I would expect to pay and if one of our kids was invited to go somewhere with another family I would offer money to the parents directly but, honestly would be expecting them to say they're covering it. That said, we live in an area where most families are relatively small and most of our friends/neighbors are at least solidly middle class.

 

Instead of a regular invite or letting kids arrange it I would say something like "we're planning on going to the movies on such and such day and time, it would be a pleasure to have so and so come along but I wanted to check with you first to see if it's in your budget". Definitely avoid letting them come over or picking them up and asking if they want you to hold their money, they might not be expecting that and it would put them in an awkward position of scrounging for cash (which not everyone keeps on hand) or having to say they don't have enough money (very embarrassing for both the child and the parents).

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