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Beards....and how much say should a wife have in Dh's decision to have one?


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This thread would be getting so much more attention if you skipped writing the first word in your thread title.

 

I have no idea why, but I skipped the word, "Beard" three times in a row and was thinking this would be quite an interesting thread.

 

... how much say should a wife have in Dh's decision to have one?

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He doesn't decide on my hair, color or style. I just see it the same way.

 

I agree with this. If I get to tell DH to shave off his beard, he gets to tell me how to wear my hair. Not gonna happen. :) I will say, I love the appearance of DH's beard. I just don't care for the prickly kisses.

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Retaliation in a marriage is never healthy. If I was really opposed to something, dh wouldn't do it BUT the same goes for me, if dh is really opposed to something, I won't do it either. Mutual respect. Granted, neither one of us is likely to go that route with things like hair & clothing. Talk to him nicely about why you don't like it, but no spitefulness.

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I actually prefer my dh to have a beard (no mustache though). I think he looks way more handsome with it, but he carries a lot of fat around his chin and has jowls without it. I think he looks super hot with his beard. ;)

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I'm really surprised by these responses.

 

 

 

Bethany, please note that I never answered the question I asked. The answer to that question is going to vary from one couple to another and it is not up to me to determine for anyone else. I think it is relevant to the discussion, though. If a woman sees it as her right to make all decisions related to her own hair, it would be rather inconsistent for her to expect to decide how her husband wears (or doesn't wear) his facial hair. I would guess that most couples would talk about their personal preferences and consider the preferences of their spouse before making any drastic changes.

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I have no say in how DH wears his hair, facial or otherwise. He knows I don't like how he cuts his hair but that's how he likes it. He has no say over my hair, either.

 

DH had a mustache for years and I hated it. If he had a beard I would think it was gross and I would not kiss him. That would be a consequence of him choosing the beard. It would still be his choice.

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As far as how much say a spouse should have, I guess it depends on the couple and how much they are willing to compromise. :confused: I can't imagine my dh ever stubbornly keeping a hairstyle or facial hair that he knows I was turned off by, and I wouldn't do the same to him with my hair or whatever else. I encourage him to keep his beard, but he also loves it. If I encouraged him to shave, he would do that too. It's not something that matters ALL that much, and we tend to be very good at compromising on these types of things.

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That's a good point Stripe, but with dh and I it goes farther than just 'I keep my hair long/he keeps his short because that's what we believe the Lord wants for men and women'. Not only would I not cut my hair short, I wouldn't wear it any way I know my dh disliked. For example, if he didn't like my hair in pigtails, I wouldn't wear them. That has nothing to do with our religious beliefs on hair; I simply want to please my dh.

 

Yes, I think that is an important issue, too. And I always find it irritating that women are supposed to do x, y, or z to appeal to a boyfriend but it is horrendous if a woman does something to be appealing to her husband. However, on the third (!) hand, I think it's somehow probably exactly the same in practice but entirely different in approach, for a woman to "forbid" her husband to have or not have a beard or a man to "forbid"/"force" his wife to have a certain hairstyle or dress/not dress a certain way, versus someone behaving in a way that will make themselves appealing to their spouse.

 

So if a man knows that his wife find a beard to be loathesome OR massively manly, and he disregards her opinion, or whatever the equivalent is for a woman, it can be a statement about the spouse's opinion on the importance of their happiness in the marriage. I do think, though, that partners should try not to be too difficult. Sometimes a change is surprisingly pleasant.

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I'd say none at all.

 

I agree. If he keeps it clean, I don't see what the big deal is. I love my dh with a beard in the winter. Makes tea time interesting at times! I do like the spring when he's clean shaven again, but really what does it hurt, plus it's cheaper, razors are expensive.

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The puppy isn't the same at all. The same would be if he refused to kiss you unless you lost weight. Or unless YOU were completely clean shaven. Or unless you cut your long hair short.

 

We'd probably be saying one unkind things about him if HE made any of those demands of you.

 

 

Not the same. ..you don't have to come in contact with the hair on someone's legs to kiss them. . .if a beard is a HUGE repulsive turn off to someone, how are they supposed to be kissing without having it all over their face?

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His hair, his choice. And I can't understand withholding affection (kisses) because of it.

 

 

I let my DH know when I don't like something but I certainly don't know what withholding affection would do other than to upset my marriage :001_huh:

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Technically they shouldn't have any say but when I was married I did. My ex tried to grow a mustache once. I refused to kiss him until it was gone. I can not stand the feeling of kissing someone with facial hair. So he was free to grow it. I was free to refuse to kiss him.

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I really hate the 'religious' argument. As if having hair, no hair, longer hair, curly hair makes you more devout.

 

The man wants a beard.

 

Tell him to shampoo it every day and condition it. ;)

 

Not a hill to die on, not a hill to stop kissing for.

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It really is only prickly the first week or two of growing it out, after that, it is soft.

 

:iagree:

Nope, sorry, not my husband's. For one, he keeps it trimmed too regularly so the ends are always blunt and pokey. For two, he keeps it too short so that it sticks straight out like hedge-hog quills. And for three, he has really course hair. :(

 

Not my husband's. His hair and beard have the texture of a Brillo pad no matter how short or long.

 

:iagree: Yup, mine too.

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I ideally think none but in my marriage honestly, I do have a say in his facial hair. I burst into tears when he shaved his mustache and he grew it back ASAP. HE looked absurb without it. And I had a visceral reaction that made be feel really uncomfortable. His facial hair has always included a goatee and mustache (except for that one time he got curious.) Sometimes has a full beard but often his goatee is just connected to his side burns with a carefully trimmed line around the edge of his jaw.)

 

So I agree that people should have autonomy over their appearance but I understand having strong opinions and my husband saw my reaction and chose to immediately grow it back. Though he likely would have grown it back anyway.

 

I can't imagine not kissing my spouse. I would think that would have swayed him. If not, I think you might want to get used to it. Once you get used to it, you may find you like it.

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I don't think it has anything to do with unilateral decisions. I think a loving couple wants to please each other. To be attractive to each other.

 

My dh has a beard and has for many years. It's fine by me, but if I found it unattractive, he would shave it.

 

Just like I know he really prefers my hair shoulder length or longer and with some highlights.

 

Neither of us need to power trip over it.

 

So if you seriously find it unattractive, then say so. And ask how he would feel if you purposely made yourself less attractive to him bc you didn't care about it.

 

Idk what to tell you if he doesn't care about being appealing to you. I'd be very hurt but I guess I'd either get over it or not.

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Well, sticking with the hair thing. What if he told you he'd like it if you'd lop off about 4 inches. It would still be considered long, just not as long as it currently is. And say you are perfectly happy with the current length. Would you lop off the 4 inches just because he wanted you to even though it might make you unhappy for just a bit?

 

Or what if he said he would prefer that you not diet or exercise because he likes it if you are just a bit squishy. (That may fall under gluttony and sloth but just as an example let's say it is just on the right side of sin.) Would you just fall into unhealthy habits because of his desire for a slightly squishy wife?

 

Or opposite that and he decided you were a glutton and slothful. Would you jump in feet first into the diet and exercise regime he devised for you because all of a sudden he has decided he wants a hard body wife with great abs?

 

 

ETA: I'd like to open these questions to anyone else who thinks spouses have a say in their spouse's physical appearance.

 

Assuming my husband wasn't asking me to sin, if he told me something about my physical appearance repulsed him and he just wasn't attracted to me, heck yes I would do something about it! Yes, it would be hard to hear, but I want my husband to be honest with me about something that affects our relationship like that.

 

I try to do things that make my husband happy, and he tries to do things that make me happy. If he were that unhappy with something, why wouldn't I make a change for him? If he slammed down an exercise regime like you're saying, of course I'd be offended - but that isn't what she's doing at all. She's repulsed by something he's chosen to do, and something that's an easy fix. If it will make his wife happy, why NOT change it? Conversely, if a simple change to my hair or wardrobe would make my husband happy, why wouldn't I do it for him?

 

If you're talking about total lifestyle changes, that's something everyone would need to talk about together and figure out that best path. But in this case, if your spouse asks for a simple change with NO long term implications... why deliberately withhold something from them that would make them happy? "Because it's my choice"? That reeks of selfishness, IMHO. [Not intended to call you selfish in ANY way, just so we're clear, lol.]

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I'm really surprised by the people who say they wouldn't kiss their husbands if they had a beard. (Other than OP, who explained her comment. Well, I guess it still surprises me a little.)

 

Would you object or be hurt if your husband refused to kiss you till you lost x number of pounds? Or till you bleached your hair because he'd prefer to kiss a blonde?

 

Of course losing weight is much harder than shaving a beard, etc. But, wow.

 

My husband's had a mustache since we met in 1993 and a full beard since our son was born in 1997. Sure, every now and then a stray hair gets in the way and on rare occasion I have to ask him to give it a once-over with a wet washcloth. I daresay I don't smell perfectly fresh and lovely every minute of my life either.

 

;)

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I'm really surprised by the people who say they wouldn't kiss their husbands if they had a beard. (Other than OP, who explained her comment. Well, I guess it still surprises me a little.)

 

Would you object or be hurt if your husband refused to kiss you till you lost x number of pounds? Or till you bleached your hair because he'd prefer to kiss a blonde?

 

Of course losing weight is much harder than shaving a beard, etc. But, wow.

 

 

I know, that's what I thought. If someone came on here and said her husband said no kissing until she lost ____pounds, we would have him tarred and feathered before page 2.

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I really hate the 'religious' argument. As if having hair, no hair, longer hair, curly hair makes you more devout.

 

The man wants a beard.

 

Tell him to shampoo it every day and condition it. ;)

 

Not a hill to die on, not a hill to stop kissing for.

 

I can't stand the religious argument.

 

My DH has some facial hair and I think it's s*xy. He does not have any length though as in a full bushy beard.

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I don't think of it as withholding affection. They truly gross me out. Finding little hairs on a dinner plate, or smelling what he ate last. Shudder. It's repulsive.

 

This. They have every right to have whatever kind of facial hair they want. . .but you have every right to be repulsed by it.

 

If you can't kiss him without cringing. . .and you need kissing to move ((ahem)) other things along. . .there may be other things that it inhibits. Just the way it is.

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I'm really surprised by the people who say they wouldn't kiss their husbands if they had a beard. (Other than OP, who explained her comment. Well, I guess it still surprises me a little.)

 

Would you object or be hurt if your husband refused to kiss you till you lost x number of pounds? Or till you bleached your hair because he'd prefer to kiss a blonde?

 

Of course losing weight is much harder than shaving a beard, etc. But, wow.

 

My husband's had a mustache since we met in 1993 and a full beard since our son was born in 1997. Sure, every now and then a stray hair gets in the way and on rare occasion I have to ask him to give it a once-over with a wet washcloth. I daresay I don't smell perfectly fresh and lovely every minute of my life either.

 

;)

 

It feels like a thousand little tiny electric shocks on my face when I kiss a bearded dh. I still kiss him, but much less frequently and with much less enthusiasm. I'm pretty sure my extra weight doesn't electric shock him when he kisses me.

 

I kiss him when he's sweaty and yucky. I kiss him even though he's gained weight, too. I kiss him even when I mad at him. I don't enjoy kissing him when his face feels like a thistle bush. Call me crazy! :D

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I can understand a woman not wanting to kiss if there is facial hair. That is just a plain sensory issue regarding kissing. If the woman can't stand hair rubbing against her, that is different than weight or hair style or some other thing. That would be like if women could suddenly produce a growth on their face that made it uncomfortable for the man to kiss her and she chose to keep it. I see it as a totally different thing.

 

Issues like this should be compromised on. The woman should be willing to give it a try and the man should be willing to shave or not shave, depending on his wife's preferences.

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I'm really surprised by the people who say they wouldn't kiss their husbands if they had a beard. (Other than OP, who explained her comment. Well, I guess it still surprises me a little.)

 

Would you object or be hurt if your husband refused to kiss you till you lost x number of pounds? Or till you bleached your hair because he'd prefer to kiss a blonde?

 

Of course losing weight is much harder than shaving a beard, etc. But, wow.

 

My husband's had a mustache since we met in 1993 and a full beard since our son was born in 1997. Sure, every now and then a stray hair gets in the way and on rare occasion I have to ask him to give it a once-over with a wet washcloth. I daresay I don't smell perfectly fresh and lovely every minute of my life either.

 

;)

 

I was one that posted that I did not kiss my husband when he had a mustache. It is a sensory issue for me. I just can't. It was not to be cruel to him. I physically could not do it without a viseral reaction.

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I'm really surprised by the people who say they wouldn't kiss their husbands if they had a beard. (Other than OP, who explained her comment. Well, I guess it still surprises me a little.)

 

Would you object or be hurt if your husband refused to kiss you till you lost x number of pounds? Or till you bleached your hair because he'd prefer to kiss a blonde?

 

Of course losing weight is much harder than shaving a beard, etc. But, wow.

 

My husband's had a mustache since we met in 1993 and a full beard since our son was born in 1997. Sure, every now and then a stray hair gets in the way and on rare occasion I have to ask him to give it a once-over with a wet washcloth. I daresay I don't smell perfectly fresh and lovely every minute of my life either.

 

;)

I don't expect him to kiss my armpits. :D;) How much he weighs or the color of hair is not a sensory issue.

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Assuming my husband wasn't asking me to sin, if he told me something about my physical appearance repulsed him and he just wasn't attracted to me, heck yes I would do something about it! Yes, it would be hard to hear, but I want my husband to be honest with me about something that affects our relationship like that.

 

I try to do things that make my husband happy, and he tries to do things that make me happy. If he were that unhappy with something, why wouldn't I make a change for him? If he slammed down an exercise regime like you're saying, of course I'd be offended - but that isn't what she's doing at all. She's repulsed by something he's chosen to do, and something that's an easy fix. If it will make his wife happy, why NOT change it? Conversely, if a simple change to my hair or wardrobe would make my husband happy, why wouldn't I do it for him?

 

If you're talking about total lifestyle changes, that's something everyone would need to talk about together and figure out that best path. But in this case, if your spouse asks for a simple change with NO long term implications... why deliberately withhold something from them that would make them happy? "Because it's my choice"? That reeks of selfishness, IMHO. [Not intended to call you selfish in ANY way, just so we're clear, lol.]

Okay, well in keeping with the OPs problem. Say your dh had to travel for business for a few weeks. While he was gone you dropped 20 pounds. When he got home she said he liked you better with the 20 pounds and decided to withhold affection until you gained the 20 pounds back. Would you gain it back to please him?

 

As for you last paragraph, it isn't because it is my choice, but because it is my body. Bethany's argument is that because they are married it is no longer her body. Her body has become her husband's body to ask for (or demand) what he pleases.

 

What if the he in that type relationship wanted the her to become obese, cease wearing make up, no longer cut have her hair cut in a stylish manner, and wear frumpy clothes so she was no longer attractive to other men?

 

I'm trying to ascertain where the my body is your body ends. Is it just with facial/head hair? Or does it extend to all aspects of the other spouse's body?

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OK, I don't exactly "get" the sensory issue simply because it's not an issue for me*, but I can see that being different than a visual turnoff kind of thing.

 

*Which doesn't mean it shouldn't be an issue for anyone else, just makes it harder for me to comprehend, kwim?

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The same amount of say as you let him have about your hair. If he prefers long hair but you wear it short because you like it better, then put up with the beard. If you keep your hair in a way that he likes because he likes it, then tell him that and that you would appreciate if he consider what you find attractive as well. And if he won't, cut your hair. :lol:

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I don't expect him to kiss my armpits. :D;) How much he weighs or the color of hair is not a sensory issue.

 

Exactly. It's not an "I'm bitter" or "trying to mean" thing. . .it's an "I can't can't help feel grossed out when it touches me thing."

 

Weight. . .not the same

hair color. . .soooo not the same

You can just close your eyes for those things.;)

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I don't think of it as withholding affection. They truly gross me out. Finding little hairs on a dinner plate, or smelling what he ate last. Shudder. It's repulsive.

:001_huh: My DH has had a beard for over 10 years. I have never found a hair on a dinner plate or smelled food on his beard.

 

 

 

I don't think it has anything to do with unilateral decisions. I think a loving couple wants to please each other. To be attractive to each other.

 

My dh has a beard and has for many years. It's fine by me, but if I found it unattractive, he would shave it.

 

Just like I know he really prefers my hair shoulder length or longer and with some highlights.

 

Neither of us need to power trip over it.

 

So if you seriously find it unattractive, then say so. And ask how he would feel if you purposely made yourself less attractive to him bc you didn't care about it.

 

Idk what to tell you if he doesn't care about being appealing to you. I'd be very hurt but I guess I'd either get over it or not.

I agree with this.

I try to wear my hair in a way that is attractive to DH because I want him to like my hair.

He grew a beard because I asked him to try it. I'm sure if I asked him to shave now he would.

 

 

I don't think I have any right to make demands about his appearance but I also don't understand not trying to be appealing to your spouse.

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I don't expect him to kiss my armpits. :D;) How much he weighs or the color of hair is not a sensory issue.

 

When I am most anxious, I curl up to my Dh with my face stuck in his armpit. I find the smell of him the most relaxing thing in the world.

 

Hair, or lack of it, is not a hill to withhold affection over.

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I don't feel like I have any say at all, b/c it is his body not mine. I would think he would be upset and more likely to do it anyway if I tried to tell him what to do, just like I would be upset if he tried to tell me what to do with my body. My husband usually has a goatee with a mustache, but once he grew a full beard and let his hair grow out long. I wasn't a big fan of the look, but he liked it. He eventually shaved it off, back to his goatee.

 

I have never found little hairs on anything (other than when he trims it...then he is incapable of cleaning up after himself for some reason) and his facial hair never smells like anything other than soap.

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This is a tough one for me. I don't believe we should control the appearance preferences of our spouse. I cut & color my hair as I desire & he has the option to do the same.

 

That being said, I would be... not happy... if DH grew a beard, not because of looks although I don't care for that look, but because kissing him with facial hair actually hurts. Like, rash around the mouth from the irritation - HURTS. I would never do something to myself that would physically hurt him & I would expect the same from him.

 

That being said, maybe if the hair gets long enough it wouldn't hurt & I'd be willing to give it a try but if it hurt, I'd expect him to shave.

 

I know he prefers me with long hair but I keep mine short for the time being. It causes NO problem in our marriage.

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