innocent or annoying?

[HappyLady]

My DH and I were discussing his mom the other day. I told him that even though his mother is wonderful and that I love her, if we lived close to each other she'd get on my last nerve. :lol: He agreed, thankfully. We also talked about how she makes comments that make her appear to always want attention or compliments or to get credit for things.

 

Last year she crocheted the kids some scarves. I posted pics on Facebook of them playing in the snow and instead of saying how cute the kids looked she asked why they weren't wearing their scarves. Honestly, it was because I put them on them and they ripped them off. They just don't like wearing them. My DD has other scarves she'll wear, though. I just told my MIL they wear them all the time, but didn't happen to be in these pics.

 

Whenever I post on Facebook about some new talent I've discovered in my kids she credits herself by saying they got it from her. :glare: It's the same if I post something positive about my DH - he got it from her. :glare:

 

A family member has a 6 week old baby and she posted how the baby was crying for hours and they couldn't figure out why. They finally realized that she has a favorite blanket and once they gave it to her she stopped crying. My MIL commented, "I hope it's the blanket I made for her....."

 

These comments annoy me. It seems like whatever anyone posts she someone credits herself for it or brings up something she did for this person. But, she's my MIL so I don't know if an outsider would think the same way. :)

 

What do you think?

[hana]

I think you ought to step away from Facebook. :tongue_smilie:

 

Seriously, though, if she annoys you more on fb than in real life, maybe you ought to consider doing something about the fb aspect of your relationship--you could hide certain posts/pictures from her, for example.

 

Other than just, just breathe, and know that for some people, it has to be all about them.

[Ellie]

It's annoying. I have a dear friend who is the same way. I just ignore it.

[Flowing Brook]

It sounds like she is insecure about herself. She probably needs this to feel like she is ok. It would annoy me but I would probably just try to ignore it.

[lavender's green]

She sounds just like my mom! :lol: Except that she would add "guess what I made/bought/did just isn't good enough for you." Then you say something supplicating and she brushes it off with "oh, no, I was only joking."

 

All you can do is take a deep breath, smile, and carry on. There's not much you can do to resolve their insecurities.

[Night Elf]

I would find it annoying but I bet she is innocent of harmful intent. I bet she doesn't even think about what she's saying. But yes, definitely annoying.

[elfgivas]

i'm not facebook friends with my dmil.... for just this reason.

 

:grouphug:

definitely not innocent....

ann

[abbeyej]

From a *distance* it's kind of hilarious. ;) Imagine if she *weren't* your MIL. Maybe the MIL of an acquaintance you have on FB, so you'd see these comments, and they'd become a joke for you. You' roll your eyes and giggle, "There goes Mary again!" ... And yet I understand PERFECTLY WELL that when it's your own MIL, it's the type of thing to make you crazy. :) Really. (My own MIL is totally nuts, lol. ... She's an endless source of amusement to my friends though. Ack!)

 

Anyway, from a *distance* what I see is a woman who *desperately* wants to be *needed*, *remembered*, and *included*. ... I think, ultimately, it's a fear of mortality. "Will the next generation still need me? Will they remember me? Will something of mine [things I've made, aspects of my personality] live on?"

 

And maybe if you can see that part of things, you can feel compassion for her. It's not that she'll cease to be annoying ;) -- she'll still make you roll your eyes or throw up your hands at the computer screen -- but maybe after that, you can just shake your head and say, "Poor Mary. I should have the kids send her a card."

 

You know? And, sigh, I'll try to take my own advice and feel more charitable toward my own MIL today (while thanking my own lucky stars that she lives far away).

 

Edited to add: I agree with others. If you allow this to annoy you excessively, it *will* make you crazy and it will not affect her at all. You do *yourself* a favor by letting it go and showing compassion to her (and her foibles) whenever possible.

Edited November 4, 2012 by abbeyej

[Sugar Plum]

My MIL does similar things. I find it mildly annoying, but after 20 years with dh, if I got annoyed every time MIL did something like this, I'd never be happy. :) She once commented on fb on a picture of my mother sitting with my kids "Nice to see you looking so happy. What are you doing with MY grandkids on your lap?" My mother thought this was hilarious, so I chose to think so, too.

[Ewe Mama]

Ugh...very annoying. I would probably be honest and say that the dc think the yarn is scratchy, so they don't wear them very often. If you don't nip her expectations, she is going to keep on looking for those scarves in every single picture you post for the rest of her life. It will never end. Sometimes those little white lies are the worst possible thing.

 

:grouphug:

[Catwoman]

I would find it annoying but I bet she is innocent of harmful intent. I bet she doesn't even think about what she's saying. But yes, definitely annoying.

 

:iagree:

 

Reason #4646765 to stay off Facebook. :D

 

EDITED TO ADD: Why not just take a picture of the kids wearing the scarves or using something she made for them or gave them as a gift and post it on FB? It would probably brighten up her entire week!

Edited November 4, 2012 by Catwoman

[Impish]

It's annoying, but trust me when I say, it's better to find a way to laugh at it than to get annoyed by it.

 

My MIL tries to take credit/insert herself into EVERYTHING. Doesn't matter what it is. My mother was the same way. Smart kids? Must be to their credit. Beautiful babies? Yup. Well mannered? Oh, absolutely to their credit.

 

What's especially hilarious is that Wolf is adopted. So how the heck my kid's anything has any connection to MIL is beyond me, esp since she sees them at most once a yr, so you can't even make the argument that it's due to nurture!

 

Wolf and I have learned to laugh at it. Esp when it comes to Boo, b/c everything positive to do w/that baby is due to him being born on MIL's birthday! :001_huh::lol:

[Danestress]

I think she is longing for recognition and to be part of things. And I totally understand why it annoys you.

 

But honestly, since she doesn't live near you, what would it cost you to post a picture of the kids with their scarves on and say, "here is a photo of my kids in the awesome scarves my awesome MIL crocheted for them." It would make her happy, she would still be annoying and might post annoying follow up comments, but I can't think of any reason not to give her a little public love and recognition if that is what she needs.

 

If you just accept how she is, choose not to focus on the negative, and make it a habit to reach out to her, write thank you notes, post things once in a while that compliment her, etc, I think you will do well. You will never change her, so just be good to her and make the world a kinder place? You know? I have finally recognized that I will never stop my MIL from doing her annoying stuff, so I should just accept it, and hope my future DILS will do the same for me when i, inevitably, annoy them.

Edited November 4, 2012 by Danestress

[Catwoman]

I had a friend embroider the kids' names and an image on a blanket for each of them, and my brother posted a picture of my niece with her blanket over her. He was thanking me for the blanket, and saying how he knew G (niece) couldn't wait to meet her Aunt B. The SIL had to reply by saying, "But Aunt L will always be her favorite."

 

Thankkfully my brother is very big on defending his sister :) and replied to her that that was rude. Yeh it hurt my feelings, but I just had to let it go, because it just showed me how much of an attention whor3 she is. If she needs to make other people feel bad to make herself feel better, then so be it.

 

I'm glad your brother defended you. Her comment was just plain mean. :angry:

[justLisa]

It's annoying. I am only on FB to keep up with a very few people

[Cassy]

I don't think it's FB. I know someone IRL who behaves in exactly the same way your MIL does and I find it incredibly annoying.

[kalanamak]

It sounds like she is insecure about herself. She probably needs this to feel like she is ok. It would annoy me but I would probably just try to ignore it.

:iagree: When the kids start to notice, give a little titter and say "You know grandma". Making it a teeny, tiny inside joke helps inoculate them from seeing it as annoying (you, too!)

[lea_lpz]

Sounds like my mom. She'd even try to one up or counter comment other family members on dh's side. Last straw was when she said I have time to comment on Facebook then I have time to Facebook I have time to do whatever it is she wants. Deleted her as a friend. I told her I took her comment to heart and deleted my account since I spend too much time on it. Love the freedom of posting without worrying about her comments:)

[Farrar]

Another vote for annoying, but don't let it get to you. And stay off FB if you can't ignore it. :)

[Meriwether]

I have four kids. Everything about all of my kids is straight from Dh according to my MIL. She did say that Dd2 had "might" have my fingers. Dd was about 3 months at the time. We joke about it to ourselves.

[airforcefamily]

What about setting your status updates so she can't see them? If it's brought up say you haven't been on facebook much.

[Luanne]

... annoying .... VERY annoying!

[kitten18]

I would find it annoying but I bet she is innocent of harmful intent. I bet she doesn't even think about what she's saying. But yes, definitely annoying.

:iagree:

 

 

 

I think she is longing for recognition and to be part of things. And I totally understand why it annoys you.

 

But honestly, since she doesn't live near you, what would it cost you to post a picture of the kids with their scarves on and say, "here is a photo of my kids in the awesome scarves my awesome MIL crocheted for them." It would make her happy, she would still be annoying and might post annoying follow up comments, but I can't think of any reason not to give her a little public love and recognition if that is what she needs.

 

If you just accept how she is, choose not to focus on the negative, and make it a habit to reach out to her, write thank you notes, post things once in a while that compliment her, etc, I think you will do well. You will never change her, so just be good to her and make the world a kinder place? You know? I have finally recognized that I will never stop my MIL from doing her annoying stuff, so I should just accept it, and hope my future DILS will do the same for me when i, inevitably, annoy them.

Great ideas.

[Belacqua]

I have four kids. Everything about all of my kids is straight from Dh according to my MIL. She did say that Dd2 had "might" have my fingers. Dd was about 3 months at the time. We joke about it to ourselves.

 

I'm so glad you can laugh about that, as now I don't feel so guilty for finding it hilarious. It's the "might" that elevates it to pure poetry.

[Scarlett]

I think she is longing for recognition and to be part of things. And I totally understand why it annoys you.

 

But honestly, since she doesn't live near you, what would it cost you to post a picture of the kids with their scarves on and say, "here is a photo of my kids in the awesome scarves my awesome MIL crocheted for them." It would make her happy, she would still be annoying and might post annoying follow up comments, but I can't think of any reason not to give her a little public love and recognition if that is what she needs.

 

:iagree:

[Plucky]

I think she is longing for recognition and to be part of things. And I totally understand why it annoys you.

 

But honestly, since she doesn't live near you, what would it cost you to post a picture of the kids with their scarves on and say, "here is a photo of my kids in the awesome scarves my awesome MIL crocheted for them." It would make her happy, she would still be annoying and might post annoying follow up comments, but I can't think of any reason not to give her a little public love and recognition if that is what she needs.

 

If you just accept how she is, choose not to focus on the negative, and make it a habit to reach out to her, write thank you notes, post things once in a while that compliment her, etc, I think you will do well. You will never change her, so just be good to her and make the world a kinder place? You know? I have finally recognized that I will never stop my MIL from doing her annoying stuff, so I should just accept it, and hope my future DILS will do the same for me when i, inevitably, annoy them.

 

Yep, this is what I'd do & I even send pics of the kids using or wearing items. Relationships are hard. Think positive as much as posible and if necessary move farther away. :D

[eternalknot]

It's annoying.

 

My MIL does the same thing. Amazingly, it's only the good things that come from her side of the family! I joke with her (actually, only one of us sees the humor in it) that what first attracted me to her son was the suspicion (now proven ;)) that he was a storehouse of fabulous genetic material and how grateful I was for the pheremones he inherited from her side of the family. (My MIL has old world hygiene habits and is notorious for her personal aroma. Ever since I've known her she's lived in the US and has called it her pheremones LOL.)

 

Guess what, when I become a MIL and I feel out of touch with my sons' wives ... I'm totally going to do the same annoying thing. Not on purpose, just a sneaking suspicion I'll default there. I think it's just what some of us to do to force a connection we fear to be lacking - as can often be the case with moms and sons once those sons find wives and start their own families.

[Joanne]

Annoying.

 

It seems, rather than manipulative or some higher level of dysfunction, to be an immature/unsophisticated way to connect, be an important part of, to be important.

 

As posted, there is almost a childish/petty tone to it.

 

But, yes, annoying.

[eternalknot]

It seems, rather than manipulative or some higher level of dysfunction, to be an immature/unsophisticated way to connect, be an important part of, to be important.

 

As posted, there is almost a childish/petty tone to it.

 

 

To dig a bit deeper, it's not that unusual a reaction. Isn't that why babies (who tend to more closely resemble their biological father soon after birth) are born so?

 

And why without prompting, even from those not biologically related to the father, so many first babyviewing comments are along the lines of "He looks just like Daddy" ...?

 

Mightn't this be just a natural extension of that? Of nature's DNA test before technology caught up with it? Of the paternal side needing and desiring and perhaps seeing (real or perceived) connections to their side as a way to assure themselves of the child's paternity before investing resources (tangible and intangible) into the relationship? And if somewhat immature or unsophisticated, and definitely annoying, not necessarily childish or petty - even if it comes across as so?

 

Rhetorical question, just throwing it out there. We all like to feel wanted, loved, appreciated and needed. Some of us are better at others than making ourselves the type of people others flock to with these outpourings :D the rest of us better hope we have Danestress-types as DILS, who can see through the actions to the heart of the intentions!