Feedback and suggestions for my son's essay.

[Ohdanigirl]

He has really struggled with this essay, and is not feeling too hot about it. On top of that, he is pretty sick and struggling to revise this essay while feeling like his brain is in a fog.

 

Primarily he is looking for feed back on the second and third body paragraphs (3rd needing the most work), but feed back on any of it is welcome. He is aware that he needs to take out some contractions, you's, be verbs, and work on grammar. he needs help elaborating and adding details that relate back to the thesis.

 

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People often ask, "How will our children know who they are if they do not know where they came from?" If we do not know our History, we never really know where we came from, where our family came from, or their History. As a little boy I wasn’t very worried about my History. It wasn’t until I had a special thing passed down to me that I was inspired to look backwards. This item is part of my History, and has connected me to stories of my family’s past while also giving me hope for a bright future. Of all my treasured possessions I covet*my pocket watch the most because of its mysterious history, my interest in old things and the past, and the work I did to earn it.

 

To begin with, I know very little about this pocket watch other than it belonged to my great grandfather. I never met my great grandfather while he was still alive and have only seen photos of him, so discovering more about this pocket watch teaches me more about my grandfather.. This gadget is the only thing I have that connects me to him in any way. It would be exciting to learn that great-grandfather may have gotten the watch while stationed in Korea, or while traveling in other parts of the world. Uncovering details of this story will likely lead me to other treasured mysteries of my families past. Perhaps, he may have received it as a gift, or quite possibly an award for business, or service in his service to his church. In this case, it represent an intimate relationship with a friend, a successful career, or dedication to his faith. Regardless, I must appreciate the mysterious history of my pocket watch.

 

Furthermore, I really enjoy history, antiques, and researching everything I see. My love of history is so great that I decided to do as much to uncover this watch’s past as possible. Doing so not only teaches of my families past, but provides me the opportunity to learn about history in general. Discovering its story is one the hardest challenges I have ever encountered, because I had little information to begin with, yet I find it enjoyable because I am learning new research skills in the process. Although I may get frustrated at times, I enjoy searching the internet for images of similar pocket watches, or information about its markings which may lead me to information about its origins. There are times when my frustration at discovering so little forces me to take a break and simply admire my watch, but even this helps me on this road to discovery.. During one of these breaks I uncovered some engravings on the watch, and the clues have given me hope and drive to keep researching. As a result, I hope that my hard work and maturity help me to discover the secrets that this watch contains.

 

In addition to showing maturity and the ability to care for valuables, I had to do countless things to get this watch passed down to me. Staying on top of my homework created a great challenge for me, and forced me to learn organizational skills. These same skills help me to take care of this prized possession and not misplace it. Ironically, time management allowed me to always finish my chores even while my school load became heavier. My maturity has been growing over the years and comes with many surprises, but the best of them is this pocket watch. Therefore, The hard work and effort I put into becoming more responsible was worth it once I had this pocket watch.

 

Above all else, my most prized possession is my pocket watch. I will always treasure my pocket watch for the inspiration it gives me to grow and learn about my family History and its connection o my great-grandfather. For each person, it is important to realize what things actually matter. They might like having the latest fashion, and buying new stuff, but these things do not matter most. Each of us must decide what things are of most value to us. Items that remind me of my family and inspire me to be closer to them and our past matter more to me than random things I can buy in the stores today. People today are so concerned with keeping up with the Jones’ that they forget about things that really matter. Family is often forgotten, and people surround themselves with things that inspire greed instead of growth. Keeping my grandfather’s pocket watch by my side keeps me focused on what really matters.

 

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Thanks.

 

Danielle

[Pen]

comments upon reading interspersed below...as direct to your son... I l I like this and hope he will do some more on it--but wait until not feeling sick and in a state of brain fog. Maybe let it sit, get well, do other things, then come back to it.

He has really struggled with this essay, and is not feeling too hot about it. On top of that, he is pretty sick and struggling to revise this essay while feeling like his brain is in a fog.

 

Primarily he is looking for feed back on the second and third body paragraphs (3rd needing the most work), but feed back on any of it is welcome. He is aware that he needs to take out some contractions, you's, be verbs, and work on grammar. he needs help elaborating and adding details that relate back to the thesis.

 

....................................................

 

People often ask, "How will our children know who they are if they do not know where they came from?"

 

I like this opening. It got my attention.

 

If we do not know our History, we never really know where we came from, where our family came from, or their History. As a little boy I wasn’t very worried about my History. It wasn’t until I had a special thing passed down to me that I was inspired to look backwards. This item is part of my History, and has connected me to stories of my family’s past while also giving me hope for a bright future. Of all my treasured possessions I covet

I think you may mean "treasure".

 

 

*my pocket watch the most because of its mysterious history, my interest in old things and the past, and the work I did to earn it.

Hmmm. Well, tell me more about all this mystery!

 

 

To begin with, I know very little about this pocket watch other than it belonged to my great grandfather. I never met my great grandfather while he was still alive and have only seen photos of him,

What do the photos look like?

 

so discovering more about this pocket watch teaches me more about my grandfather.. This gadget is the only thing I have that connects me to him in any way. It would be exciting to learn that great-grandfather may have gotten the watch while stationed in Korea, or while traveling in other parts of the world.

So, he was perhaps in the Korean war and also a world traveller? Knowing more would make this even more interesting. I'd sure like to know what you do know about him! Also, I'd like to know about the watch--what color is its face?, metal type?, sort of numerals?

 

 

Uncovering details of this story will likely lead me to other treasured mysteries of my family's past. Perhaps, he may have received it as a gift, or quite possibly an award for business, or service in his service to his church. In this case, it represent an intimate relationship with a friend, a successful career, or dedication to his faith. Regardless, I must appreciate the mysterious history of my pocket watch.

 

Furthermore, I really enjoy history, antiques, and researching everything I see. My love of history is so great that I decided to do as much to uncover this watch’s past as possible. Doing so not only teaches of my families past, but provides me the opportunity to learn about history in general. Discovering its story is one the hardest challenges I have ever encountered, because I had little information to begin with, yet I find it enjoyable because I am learning new research skills in the process. Although I may get frustrated at times, I enjoy searching the internet for images of similar pocket watches, or information about its markings which may lead me to information about its origins. There are times when my frustration at discovering so little forces me to take a break and simply admire my watch, but even this helps me on this road to discovery.. During one of these breaks I uncovered some engravings on the watch, and the clues have given me hope and drive to keep researching.

Oh wow, well, are you going to keep this a secret, or reveal what the engravings say, and perhaps why they were not immediately visible?

 

As a result, I hope that my hard work and maturity help me to discover the secrets that this watch contains.

 

In addition to showing maturity and the ability to care for valuables, I had to do countless things to get this watch passed down to me. Staying on top of my homework created a great challenge for me, and forced me to learn organizational skills.

I'd love some specifics about what you did and what you learned!

 

These same skills help me to take care of this prized possession and not misplace it. Ironically, time management allowed me to always finish my chores even while my school load became heavier. My maturity has been growing over the years and comes with many surprises, but the best of them is this pocket watch. Therefore, The hard work and effort I put into becoming more responsible was worth it once I had this pocket watch.

 

Above all else, my most prized possession is my pocket watch. I will always treasure my pocket watch for the inspiration it gives me to grow and learn about my family History and its connection o my great-grandfather. For each person, it is important to realize what things actually matter. They might like having the latest fashion, and buying new stuff, but these things do not matter most. Each of us must decide what things are of most value to us. Items that remind me of my family and inspire me to be closer to them and our past matter more to me than random things I can buy in the stores today. People today are so concerned with keeping up with the Jones’ that they forget about things that really matter. Family is often forgotten, and people surround themselves with things that inspire greed instead of growth. Keeping my grandfather’s pocket watch by my side keeps me focused on what really matters.

 

I'm glad to learn that the pocket watch, and perhaps its reminder of your grandfather does that! That is inspiring.

 

I'd love to know even more specifics, like a particular moment when you were perhaps tending toward greed, but then the watch led you toward growth, or perhaps a comparison with how you were before and after having the watch, or maybe a comparison with you and a friend.

 

........................

 

Thanks.

 

Danielle