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When, if ever, would you address this?


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Dd has always had a thing for odd outfits. In preschool/daycare she frequently chose clothes from the dress-up box. In k-4th, we battled a bit. I chose to battle because she was made fun of, but didn't get it until a later date, sometimes years later. This is her 2nd year home so i've let her dress as she pleases with some limits for weather.

 

She frequently dresses like people i've seen on What Not To Wear. Not the clueless people, but the over accessorized people. The receptionist from Liar Liar is a good picture. Lol.

 

Because of her autism, she does not read social cues in the slightest. I had noticed more recently that some people seem a bit uncomfortable with her because she gets too close and too touchy. She's almost 5 feet and just over 100lbs, but has the social skills of a 5 yo.

 

So the picture is an almost adult sized biracial girl (relevent because of her hair) who gets in everyone's personal space and "oh my gosh, what is she WEARING?!"

 

Her hair is more managable now. We're working on social skills. But we still have these outfits. Today she is wearing a dress (it looks a bit like a skirt and shirt with vest, but is all one piece), with black tights, black gauchos underneath, one black sock, one pink sock, pink crocs, and a purple and black cat hat.

 

If she wore jeans, she could wear fun and crazy tops without it being "too much" but she doesnt like jeans and is in an odd size for them anyway.

 

What should i do? On one hand i want to leave her and let her have fun. On the other hand, autism means i really should work with her now. She wants to go to public highschool and that only gives me a few years to help work on things. The overall picture that is dd will NOT fly in a public highschool, and if she goes, i want it to be positive. She will also have enter adult life at some point.

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Well, maybe she'll make it big in the fashion world?

 

I'd leave her be, as long as she is happy, and has the confidence to pull off her outfit, none of the rest matters. There are lots of people who don't follow fashion trends- and it's all about the attitude.

Edited by BugsMama
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For me - it's not a hill to die on. My rules are: clean and modest with veto authority (usually to raise the dressy level for church). I once had a friend that clothing and having her kids look a certain way was one of THE hills to die on. Only you can decide. And, you can compromise: modest, matching shoes, matching socks (both to each other - not the outfit). One of my kids is a free spirit and it shows in her clothes - and I love it!

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I think I understand where you are coming from, OP.

 

As much as I want my child to be a confident, free spirit, the social reality of public school is that stand-outs are frequently bullied. She does not sound like a confident kid who could pull it off, frankly. (Maybe too frankly--not trying to be hurtful.) This is only my experience, but it is my experience. Kids in school assign roles to each other, like it or not. If she has a charming personality that radiates confidence and comfort in her own skin, AND if she can let hurtful comments and bullying behavior just roll off her back (maybe give as good as she gets), then she could probably be in that small niche where "artsy" kids fit. But you say she isn't aware, and she has the social skills of a younger child.

 

She is probably too young now to do anything about it--peer pressure and conformity is not imp enough right now, because nothing negative that she can see is happening to her. If she makes the connection, then she might change. ETA--I just read above post--maybe you can just guide her by saying some people are more "matchy" in their clothes and feel uncomfortable around unmatchy-ness! Put it on them, y'know?

 

It's sad, isn't it? I don't think it's right to have to "fit in," but if public school is in the future, I totally get the need you feel to help her, so she really has a choice.

 

That probably wasn't helpful--I just want to say I get why you are thinking about what to do.

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Hey requiring clothes that fit even causes battles here! He is the smartest kid, but he does stuff like put on his 7 year old brother's jeans backwards. He doesn't notice that they come almost to his knees and that they are on backwards! :lol:

 

:lol:

 

The reason for the gauchos under today's dress is because it's old and a bit too short on her!

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That is fair. And I do help my son pick stuff out when he will be in a situation where this could happen. He isn't often though. I'm glad he can be himself most of the time. KWIM?

 

I know exactly what you mean, and I'm with you on helping them navigate the shark-filled waters...:D

 

I want the world to change, so my kid doesn't have to deal with the carp. BUT it isn't changing, and those on the spearpoint have to be brave and strong. I'm just not sure how to raise mine to be in that role. I don't like risking that way--MY problem, I guess.

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She may not yet be old enough for this concept but I like how Sheldon on Big Bang Theory approaches things he doesn't understand. He considers some things as non-optional social conventions. While I didn't have those words with ds16 as a kid, I did explain things in that context sometimes. He never liked having to do things because other people did them but I did help him when I could. One example is matching shirt to shorts/pants. He was just clueless. He didn't fight me but he was often exasperated when I would tell him to go change. Honestly, it has finally gotten to the point where he wears certain solid dark colors that mix and match. What I didn't push was the type of pants he wears, the athletic type with elastic waist. It's a certain type of material and fairly easy to find in the men's active wear. I always thought jeans would be best but he doesn't like them. He wears only one type of socks and one pair of shoes. Getting dressed is easy peasy for him now, and he'll have no problem shopping for himself. As easy as this was fixed for us, I imagine it's more difficult with a girl.

 

I wonder how she would feel if you picked out a few outfits each day and let her choose one. And, I would also tell her that what she wears going out doesn't have to be what she wears inside the house. We're loose in the house but I want social convention outside the home. Really, IMHO, my son is already so different he doesn't need another thing that makes him stand out from the crowd.

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Guest submarines
Thank you two.

 

I would never want her to follow any kind of trends!

 

She has the confidence, but only because she cant judge reactions from people. She is very bothered when it "clicks" and she realizes she was being made fun of. :(

 

Anyone ever watch Wizards of Waverly Place? Harper could be dd's best friend!

 

:grouphug: Those who made fun of others will find their reason. Tell her that those who matter don't mind, and those who mind, don't matter.

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If it makes you feel better, we have a (NT) friend in her early teens that I often see in jeans, t-shirt and tutu. And my (also NT) 11 yo dresses rather eclectically as well.

 

And, frankly, around here there is a decent turnout of teens and adults dressed in what are obviously jammie bottoms out doing errands on any given day.

 

I wouldn't worry about it. Personal style is one of the benefits of homeschooling. ;)

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I think I understand where you are coming from, OP.

 

As much as I want my child to be a confident, free spirit, the social reality of public school is that stand-outs are frequently bullied. She does not sound like a confident kid who could pull it off, frankly. (Maybe too frankly--not trying to be hurtful.) This is only my experience, but it is my experience. Kids in school assign roles to each other, like it or not. If she has a charming personality that radiates confidence and comfort in her own skin, AND if she can let hurtful comments and bullying behavior just roll off her back (maybe give as good as she gets), then she could probably be in that small niche where "artsy" kids fit. But you say she isn't aware, and she has the social skills of a younger child.

 

She is probably too young now to do anything about it--peer pressure and conformity is not imp enough right now, because nothing negative that she can see is happening to her. If she makes the connection, then she might change. ETA--I just read above post--maybe you can just guide her by saying some people are more "matchy" in their clothes and feel uncomfortable around unmatchy-ness! Put it on them, y'know?

 

It's sad, isn't it? I don't think it's right to have to "fit in," but if public school is in the future, I totally get the need you feel to help her, so she really has a choice.

 

That probably wasn't helpful--I just want to say I get why you are thinking about what to do.

 

This basically nails it.

 

She really does not grasp social cues. She doesnt even grasp obvious stuff! A kid could tell her flat out that she doesnt like her and dd will skip away happily saying I'll see you tomorrow. Then weeks or months later will be upset because she just realized that kid didnt like her.

 

When she hugs people, and she hugs EVERYONE, she will rub her cheek on their shirt or coat to feel the fabric. At her size, it's creepy-ish, and i hate seeing some reactions.

 

Hopefully our new plan will help; new mobile therapist loves hugs as much as dd, but will model that she doesnt go around hugging the general population. New out patient therapist works almost exclusively with autistic kids, and we're starting a monthly HF autism/Aspergers social skills group.

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She may not yet be old enough for this concept but I like how Sheldon on Big Bang Theory approaches things he doesn't understand. He considers some things as non-optional social conventions. While I didn't have those words with ds16 as a kid, I did explain things in that context sometimes. He never liked having to do things because other people did them but I did help him when I could. One example is matching shirt to shorts/pants. He was just clueless. He didn't fight me but he was often exasperated when I would tell him to go change. Honestly, it has finally gotten to the point where he wears certain solid dark colors that mix and match. What I didn't push was the type of pants he wears, the athletic type with elastic waist. It's a certain type of material and fairly easy to find in the men's active wear. I always thought jeans would be best but he doesn't like them. He wears only one type of socks and one pair of shoes. Getting dressed is easy peasy for him now, and he'll have no problem shopping for himself. As easy as this was fixed for us, I imagine it's more difficult with a girl.

 

I wonder how she would feel if you picked out a few outfits each day and let her choose one. And, I would also tell her that what she wears going out doesn't have to be what she wears inside the house. We're loose in the house but I want social convention outside the home. Really, IMHO, my son is already so different he doesn't need another thing that makes him stand out from the crowd.

 

Ds just doesnt care, so i make sure he matches and thats it. Dd is much harder because she wants to match, but has such Harper-ish outfits, that its often "too matchy."

 

I will see if she's willing to separate her clothes into public vs home/yard/play. Or maybe certain outfits for certain things.

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My 15, almost 16 year old still dresses that way. She IS a free spirit, and nothing I've tried to do has tamed it. My only caveat with her is that she has to look like a girl and that her parents actually care. (i.e. clean, non-ratty clothing) She does default to dressing like an old man, so her friends and I have to help her with the feminine side a bit.

 

But her favorite wardrobe pieces are tie-died shirts (or the ugly promo tee-shirts that her grandmother keeps providing her with), a captain's hat, and bright blue crocs :glare: She also carries an owl backpack with her where ever she goes.

 

She has no trouble making friends, in spite of the weirdness. She has public schooled AND homeschooled friends.

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it has finally gotten to the point where he wears certain solid dark colors that mix and match.

 

This might be part of the answer for OP, in a year or two when highschool is on the horizon. She said DD likes to accessorize heavily. If her clothes are all matchable solids, then DD can't really go wrong with the clothes AND she could then accessorize the heck out of them and it should still come off ok. Hope that makes sense.

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I think I understand where you are coming from, OP.

 

As much as I want my child to be a confident, free spirit, the social reality of public school is that stand-outs are frequently bullied. She does not sound like a confident kid who could pull it off, frankly. (Maybe too frankly--not trying to be hurtful.) This is only my experience, but it is my experience. Kids in school assign roles to each other, like it or not. If she has a charming personality that radiates confidence and comfort in her own skin, AND if she can let hurtful comments and bullying behavior just roll off her back (maybe give as good as she gets), then she could probably be in that small niche where "artsy" kids fit. But you say she isn't aware, and she has the social skills of a younger child.

 

She is probably too young now to do anything about it--peer pressure and conformity is not imp enough right now, because nothing negative that she can see is happening to her. If she makes the connection, then she might change. ETA--I just read above post--maybe you can just guide her by saying some people are more "matchy" in their clothes and feel uncomfortable around unmatchy-ness! Put it on them, y'know?

 

It's sad, isn't it? I don't think it's right to have to "fit in," but if public school is in the future, I totally get the need you feel to help her, so she really has a choice.

 

That probably wasn't helpful--I just want to say I get why you are thinking about what to do.

 

:iagree: My ds wears what he wants, athletic shorts or pants and t-shirts. And he's not in sports. Homeschooling allows him to be himself. He's also bold enough to not give a rat's patootie about what others think.

 

However, when I was in high school I dressed differently. It was the 80s, I purposely wore punky/new wave stuff. It was me. I had the confidence to pull it off, mostly, but I lost friends I'd had since elementary school because of it. I remember purposely doing that to see who my friends were. Weeded them out quickly and I spent my time with the people who didn't walk away.

 

The dress issue wouldn't bother me. I would help her put together funky outfits and let her embrace that part of herself. Pinterest might be a good play for you to explore. Wasn't it you who was asking about anime? Those characters always dress very uniquely.

 

Honestly, the personal space issue may be more of a "bullying point" for others. I don't know anything about autism or how that plays a role, or even if that's something you can work on. But that may be a bigger hindrance to her success in high school than what she wears. Again I know nothing about autism, so toss that comment if it doesn't apply.

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Thank you two.

 

I would never want her to follow any kind of trends!

 

She has the confidence, but only because she cant judge reactions from people. She is very bothered when it "clicks" and she realizes she was being made fun of. :(

 

Anyone ever watch Wizards of Waverly Place? Harper could be dd's best friend!

have you asked her if she wants your input?

 

"Sweetie, I know that sometimes you feel hurt when you figure out that people are making fun of your clothes. Would you like me to help you with your clothing selection?"

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I've got the 7 yr old version of what you describe. So far, she gets by because she's small for her age and still has that "mommy let me dress myself today!" look, but it does worry me-mostly because I don't think her fashion sense has matured since she was...oh...3? What does seem to help is if there's a written dress code for the occasion. Ballet class, where it's black leotard, pink tights, ballet shoes, hair in a bun, and no jewelry is a prime example. I also bought/let her design a "school uniform" to wear on our more formal field trips/homeschool activities (IE, anywhere I'm likely to feel really uncomfortable if I'm chaperoning a kid wearing knit leggings, a tutu, a t-shirt, and a plastic crown!). Halloween is definitely her favorite time of year!

 

 

As far as high schools go, can you find one that has a dress/uniform code? Even most of the public ones here do. That would limit the creativity to outside those hours, and give her a chance to make a first impression without her clothing doing the talking for her.

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I think I understand where you are coming from, OP.

 

As much as I want my child to be a confident, free spirit, the social reality of public school is that stand-outs are frequently bullied. She does not sound like a confident kid who could pull it off, frankly. (Maybe too frankly--not trying to be hurtful.) This is only my experience, but it is my experience. Kids in school assign roles to each other, like it or not. If she has a charming personality that radiates confidence and comfort in her own skin, AND if she can let hurtful comments and bullying behavior just roll off her back (maybe give as good as she gets), then she could probably be in that small niche where "artsy" kids fit. But you say she isn't aware, and she has the social skills of a younger child.

 

She is probably too young now to do anything about it--peer pressure and conformity is not imp enough right now, because nothing negative that she can see is happening to her. If she makes the connection, then she might change. ETA--I just read above post--maybe you can just guide her by saying some people are more "matchy" in their clothes and feel uncomfortable around unmatchy-ness! Put it on them, y'know?

 

It's sad, isn't it? I don't think it's right to have to "fit in," but if public school is in the future, I totally get the need you feel to help her, so she really has a choice.

 

That probably wasn't helpful--I just want to say I get why you are thinking about what to do.

:iagree:

 

Just want to add that mine (which are very young) sometimes totally pick there own clothes, but there are many times (when we're in a hurry to get ready or we are going somewhere very nice) when I will pull out 2-3 coordinated pieces with them and let them pick from them. I often comment on why they go together. I've noticed that one child now often picks those same things, while the other doesn't really care either way.

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My dd wears two different socks everyday. It's the in thing right now at middle school. :D Oh, and today is hat day, so your dd would fit right in at my dd's school. Her outfit really doesn't sound all that bad. I would let her wear it, but maybe start talking to her about when she goes to ps, she may have to dress a little differently, because of dress codes, etc. But make sure she knows you aren't criticizing!

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I have two kids with medical, learning and emotional/behavioral challenges (both adopted from orphanages). In my opinion, we need to work with our special needs kids on issues that we would let go with typical kids. Our special needs kids will have a hard enough time navigating the social/educational/occupational spheres, and allowing them to look/act even odder just compounds the difficulties.

 

I let my typical kid dress like a bag lady most of the time if she wants to (although she's getting better) but I address the issue squarely with my oldest, special needs daughter. I'm not doing her any favors if I cater to her oddities.

 

Tara

Edited by TaraTheLiberator
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Well, maybe she'll make it big in the fashion world?

 

I'd leave her be, as long as she is happy, and has the confidence to pull off her outfit, none of the rest matters. There are lots of people who don't follow fashion trends- and it's all about the attitude.

 

:iagree: Sounds like me as a kid, and I hear that sort of thing is back in style! From what I've seen kids her age wear, I'd say she'd fit right in!

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There are many issues that we have to address with special needs kids to help them navigate through the "real" world.....things like eye contact, comfortable zone of space between people, voice loudness....and acceptable clothes. We purposely practice all of these and more. On clothes, we have "rules" about when , where, and what is acceptable and with special needs kids I find you have to spell it out and enforce it. We have situational appropriate behavior discussions - at home and around friends we can be totally funky in our attire, at a job interview we have to adhere to the business norms, at formal situations we where such-n-such, etc - different situations, different behaviors and clothes are needed. For people without special needs kids this might seem tedious or ruining their "indiviudual spirits" but for some of us it is another area that we have to educate our kids on so they can be part of the outside world. For example, my son wore his underwear on the outside of his pants like superheros did for kindergarten and grade one. But this was accepted by the close-knit Waldorf school/class that he went to so no problems but when we went to a wedding he would have to change into "wedding" acceptable clothes, etc.

 

Myra

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Just wanted to add that no matter how perfectly put together kids are, other kids still find reasons to make fun of them. There is no way around that. So IMO it's better to learn to like yourself and be yourself. You will never please everyone.

 

The problem is that many special needs kids don't like themselves because they get constant negative reinforcement from other people. You can try to teach a kid to like herself in the face of ostracism and teasing, or you can try to help a child avoid those in the first place. I think the latter is the kinder route.

Edited by TaraTheLiberator
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I agree with Myra.

Is it possible to put together a chart of school outfits?

You could take photos of approved clothing items, attach them to Velcro, and allow her to build an outfit on a photo of herself. I would also allow for one fun item each day, maybe even more in the beginning. Outfits could be planned days ahead of time. This will allow her time to adjust and accept the change well before she attends high school. Depending on her level of understanding, you could make it a fashion show. Maybe you both can go online and look for inspiration.

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I've tilted at this windmill before, to borrow a Sheldonism. All it resulted in was me getting a head ache. In all reality, the old rules no longer seem to apply. One pattern at a time in an outfit? Gone. While bellow the waist only between Memorial Day and Labor Day? Gone. Sticking to between on to three colors in a outfit? Way gone. I've tried to stick to those rules with my DD, and I've taught them to her but no dice. Yesterday was a black sweater and navy blue leggings - one of my fashion pet peeves.

 

One thing I am diligent about is weeding out clothing that doesn't fit anymore. Well, somewhat diligent about.

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As well meaning as all the people are who are saying leave her alone, I have also had a child like this. My oldest was always overweight and wore the craziest things and always had a crazy hairstyle going and was always heartbroken when no one thought she was attractive. I know how hard it is to want other people to see your dd for who she really is and the clothes are the icing on the cake of why they don't.

 

The reason to address this now is that the girl probably will not grow out of this the way some quirky children grow out of quirks. My dd didn't and she is not even autistic. In her quest to be beautiful she may start coloring her hair odd colors and getting multiple piercings and tattoos and she STILL will not understand why people do not think she is attractive. Ask me how I know:tongue_smilie:

 

Seriously, I would seek professional help because I have no advice, I just know you should probably help the girl.

 

 

 

I would start to help her change somehow. I

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I only address fashion choices if they are immodest, not appropriate for venue(no sweatpants at a wedding for example) or dirty. Otherwise, I really don't give a darn what they are wearing. Yesterday ds9 was wearing blue board shorts, green t-shirt, brown parka, 2 different socks and sneakers. Did he look ridiculous? yes. Did he care? nope. If he is comfortable with how he looks who am I to comment outside of the above parameters?

 

DS14 is a sweats only kind of kid. I hate sweats. I think they are sloppy looking. He loves them so I buy them for him. BUT to cadets he must wear khaki's until his uniform comes in. To the mess dinner on Saturday he will be dressed up right down to a bow tie. When he had his job interview we discussed appropriate clothing, but to hang out at home or go the the library etc sweats are just fine.

 

Don't comment on what she chooses when she chooses it. Find moments to have mother daughter bonding time talking about how to accesorize to accentuate an outfit rather than dominate one (same as teaching how to wear make up). I do the same as littles learning how to match clothes, or when chosing hair colours and styles. We sometimes play fashion show and peice items together, model them and then hang together in the closet etc while they were learning this skill.

 

purple hair, mohawks and funky clothes seem to be the way my kids roll. Not my favs not my worries though, they are not me and vice versa.

 

As they grow we do discuss perceptions, job options etc based on image but in the end they are who they are and I do not believe that a young child that over does accessories etc needs professional help. Give me a break.

Edited by swellmomma
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The problem is that many special needs kids don't like themselves because they get constant negative reinforcement from other people. You can try to teach a kid to like herself in the face of ostracism and teasing, or you can try to help a child avoid those in the first place. I think the latter is the kinder route.

 

I agree to an extent, but I have no intention of raising my kids special needs ot not to just follow the herd as far as fashion goes. As it is we will never follow the fashion trends because I don't believe in my kids dressing like 2 bit hookers, or gangsters so really when it comes to dressing special needs or not it can not be about not getting teased.

 

I can see with an autistic child giving them a formula of sorts to follow as far as putting together outfits for various situations. So for oldest who has sensory issues and other special needs. Cadets is xyz peices of clothing, period. Church is abc clothing. Wedding is ghi. Hang out at home is put on anything you want etc.

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I agree to an extent, but I have no intention of raising my kids special needs ot not to just follow the herd as far as fashion goes. As it is we will never follow the fashion trends because I don't believe in my kids dressing like 2 bit hookers, or gangsters so really when it comes to dressing special needs or not it can not be about not getting teased.

 

Well, yes, the middle ground between dressing so weirdly that kids make fun of you and being a blind slave to fashion trends is probably what the OP is seeking.

 

yesterday ds9 was wearing blue board shorts, green t-shirt, brown parka, 2 different socks and sneakers. Did he look ridiculous? yes. Did he care? nope. If he is comfortable with how he looks who am I to comment outside of the above parameters?

 

Does your so have typical social behaviors? Because kids who behave typically but dress weirdly have a way easier time than kids who behave "weirdly" (according to other kids) and dress weirdly on top of it. I think people who have typical kids don't really get how a child who behaves fairly typically, or who can at least read social cues, are much more likely to have a favorable social experience than are kids who can't read social cues and therefore stand out and make other kids uncomfortable. Why add additional strikes against a kid?

 

I work in a retail establishment. I have regular customer who has some sort of developmental disability. He dresses strangely, speaks strangely, and leans in WAY too close to me. I am the last person not to have compassion for people who face difficulties, but he still makes me uncomfortable. It's not really realistic to expect children, who do not have a sophisticated understanding of people, to look past kids whose behavior, as my daughter would say, "weirds them out." IMO, it's far better to give kids who struggle the tools to that equip them not to have to struggle as much.

 

Tara

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I have two kids with medical, learning and emotional/behavioral challenges (both adopted from orphanages). In my opinion, we need to work with our special needs kids on issues that we would let go with typical kids. Our special needs kids will have a hard enough time navigating the social/educational/occupational spheres, and allowing them to look/act even odder just compounds the difficulties.

 

I let my typical kid dress like a bag lady most of the time if she wants to (although she's getting better) but I address the issue squarely with my oldest, special needs daughter. I'm not doing her any favors if I cater to her oddities.

 

Tara

 

This is along the lines of what I was thinking. If we're talking about a NT kid who has a quirky, individual sense of style & who knows that others may give her grief about it but she still has the confidence to pull it off, then by all means, let her have at it. But if we're talking about an autistic or otherwise SN kid who doesn't have the social awareness to understand the implications of those choices AND is bothered later when she figures out that people have been making fun of her, then I think the kind thing to do is to work with her on learning what kind of appearance is socially acceptable. It sounds like the OP's daughter would not make those kinds of clothing choices if she really understood the social implications. It's one thing to knowingly and intentionally flout conventions and stare down the consequences. It's totally different to just not even *get* that there may be consequences.

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I ignore reactions from people. ;) She sounds great!

 

:iagree::D

 

Then again, I was an extremely eccentric theatre girl in high school, so maybe you don't want to take fashion advice from someone who once felt there was no need for one to wear a coat when one had a velvet cape? :tongue_smilie:

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:iagree::D

 

Then again, I was an extremely eccentric theatre girl in high school, so maybe you don't want to take fashion advice from someone who once felt there was no need for one to wear a coat when one had a velvet cape? :tongue_smilie:

 

They seriously need to come back in fashion. I have an emerald green velvet hooded cloak that I can only wear on Halloween or people make fun of me. :glare:

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They seriously need to come back in fashion. I have an emerald green velvet hooded cloak that I can only wear on Halloween or people make fun of me. :glare:

 

Oh, I'm SO ready for the 90s to come back. I still (ahem... mostly) fit into my high school clothes and, to my dh's and children's horror, several items have survived from "back in the day." :D

 

ETA: Okay, how skewed is my view of popular culture that I hear "cloaks" and "capes" and think 1990s? In my defense, I guess I could say I was talking about the 1890s...

Edited by Element
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Have you brought this up with your dd's behavior therapist? I bet you can work on some middle ground. Big hugs to you! I have a dd7 with autism. She will let me put whatever I want on her (she is like a little hanger for my fashion sense) hee, but she insists on wearing the unicorn hat, a hat that looks like a unicorn's head, everywhere.

 

Last week she told another girl in her coop class that she was glad her dog died because dogs scare her:tongue_smilie:. One step at a time I guess. :grouphug:

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Well, yes, the middle ground between dressing so weirdly that kids make fun of you and being a blind slave to fashion trends is probably what the OP is seeking.

 

 

 

Does your so have typical social behaviors? Because kids who behave typically but dress weirdly have a way easier time than kids who behave "weirdly" (according to other kids) and dress weirdly on top of it. I think people who have typical kids don't really get how a child who behaves fairly typically, or who can at least read social cues, are much more likely to have a favorable social experience than are kids who can't read social cues and therefore stand out and make other kids uncomfortable. Why add additional strikes against a kid?

 

No he does not. He is one of my SN kids, at this point the speculation is pdd-nos which would encompass all of his multiple delays, pdd-nos is specturm, he has zero friends, struggles heavily with fitting in with others. I don't believe I am adding additional strikes against him. I believe I am supporting him to be himself without being 1 more person against his very existance(which is how he would take it if I said anything about how he was dressed). My older kids also with SN, who were the same younger as far as style choices are coming along nicely in being able to wear appropriate for venue clothing that matches etc. I left it alone when they were young and we built up and learned the skills as a fun bonding thing over the years. In the end though it is up to them to chose the clothes they want to wear.

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But it sounds like OP's daughter is hurt after finding out.

 

I have a kid that dresses the way she wants, and it gets wacky at times, but she's still young enough that I give her the freedom and she doesn't react to insensitive comments. If she's older, let's say middle-school age, on her way to high school, I would have to see how independent and strong she is when faced with negative comments.

 

I don't know whether I would dictate what clothes to wear, but I would buy clothes that would match her other pieces, just to avoid too much clashing.

 

It's no fun being teased unless you are so confident in your style that it verges on being cool.

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She was happy as ever yesterday. The ear Dr made a huge deal about how much he loved her hat! It was great and dd was happy all day.

 

The library has a monthly young teen group. It's ages 12 and up, or 6th grade and up. If she were in PS, she'd be 6th so the librarian is going to let her do the 9-12 book club, and the monthly teen club. She said the teen group is well mannered, most of them read a lot like dd, and it could be a good early example for social behavior.

 

Her current behavior therapist is leaving. Ds's therapist is taking dd, and ds is getting someone new. With the switch, i think we will work on some things. She has social goals and we can include some dressing in them.

 

Tara is completely right; middle ground between going to high school looking like a clown and feeling like every little trend needs to be followed.

 

I have a friend that does dd's hair. We can extend our hair dates to include a trip to the salvation army for new outfits (one at a time). She would listen to this friend, and this friend is so good with dd that she can completely pull off an innocent shopping trip as some training. We could work on giving her a style instead of pulling out random things and throwing them on.

 

Someone mentioned anime dress- yes my dd is the anime lover and i think she's trying to do something like that. I know she wants a green school uniform type outfit like her favorite character.

 

Swellmomma- not being againt her is why i'm asking here. We have time before social craziness. She has visions of high school being this wonderful place. There is no way i can send her as she currently dresses and behaves. I know that she is only 11, but as you know, sn kids need more time to learn things. If she dresses slightly less quirky, that's one less thing we have to worry about.

 

I'm not planning to rip apart her beloved items overnight. I want to slowly get her an outfit at a time that's only a little less quirky and let her adjust. She can practice wearing different things to the monthly teen club.

 

I know that this cat hat is going to be worn for a looooooooong time, so i have those colors to start to work with (black and purple). I can also get her some crazy or fun earrings to add something to more bland outfits.

 

I just dont want her to have a harder time than what's normal.

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