joannqn Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Suicide is weighing heavily on my mind lately. My post history will reveal why if you aren't already aware. I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking. Our pastor's sermon this Sunday even fit with the theme. Taking some spare time to read more about suicide, I was struck with a thought that itched to be expressed. So I wrote it out and wanted to share. Influential Fathers Despite commonly held beliefs, you play the most influential role in the lives of your children. Many parents believe that teens cease to care what their parents think, instead looking to peers for answers, but this is simply not true. Regardless of how remote your teen acts, he or she still cares a great deal what you think of them. This seems to be especially true for you fathers. While mothers play a vital role in the lives of their children, you fathers seem to hold a special role that no mother can fill. The well-being of your children relies on your ability to convey that you love, trust, and approve of them. I know I spent a lifetime trying to gain my father's approval. No matter how well I did, I never felt that I was ever good enough. When I got an A- on my report card, the response was, "Why didn't you get an A?" When I got an A on my report card combined with a comment that I wasn't living up to my potential, my father noticed the comment but not the grade. I taught myself to draw at a young age and spent countless hours drawing from how-to library books and other illustrations. However, I was told that I could not draw, I could only copy. Eventually, I came to believe that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't and never would be an artist, that I was worthless. I also began practicing risky behaviors (ie. drinking, using illegal drugs, and sleeping around) in an effort to gain approval and belong somewhere. If I didn't belong to my family, maybe I would find belonging among the "bad kids" or find love and approval from the boys. When that didn't fill the void, I turned to suicide, making one feeble attempt and spending years wishing I was just dead. I returned to suicide years later as a young mother, wishing to spare my children the plight of being my children. I knew I would never be good enough for them and that they would be better off without me. My death would at least give my husband a chance of finding them a better mother while at the same time releasing me from unrelenting misery. Fortunately, with the help of a friend who did listen (and listened for hours every day for months) I did not act on my plan. After many years in a recovery program, I have gotten better. I am no longer a suicide risk. I believe that I never will be at risk for suicide again. I've come to understand and believe that I do, in fact, have worth. I've come to understand that while I am not perfect, I am good enough. I've come to realize that if I can overcome growing up in a dysfunctional home, my children, too, can overcome the mistakes I am making in raising them. I am always looking to improve even as I mess up. With that in mind, I have some questions for us all to consider: How often and in which ways do you show your children (of all ages) that you approve of them? When was the last time you showed your child that they were good enough for you? When was the last time your actions or words conveyed the message that your children didn't measure up? How can you increase your messages that your children are good enough and decrease your messages that they aren't? When was the last time you expressed approval of efforts (not accomplishments) your child makes in school or other accomplishments? When was the last time you complimented your child on a character trait they possess? How do you give each of your kids the impression that they are your favorite child? How does the awareness that a father's love and approval has a profound influence on a child change how you talk to, spend time with, and treat your child? When was the last time you "built up" your child? When was the last time you listened to your child without interrogation or judgment and without providing unsolicited advise? Just listened? How often do you convey that your child is trustworthy and capable of making decisions? When was the last time you allowed your child to make a decision and own the consequences of their decision without interference or "I told you so" comments? When was the last time you showed affection, even if it is just a clap on the back? Remember dads, it isn't about perfection. Don't judge yourselves harshly if you find yourself lacking. Instead endeavor to make a change one day at a time. Show your child that you approve of them today and go from there. ***Note*** There were other things going on in my life that lead to my experience with depression and suicide ideation. My father's inability to express approval was only one contributing factor. I know now that he was doing the best that he knew how. For example, he asked why I didn't get an A because he knew I was capable of it. Perhaps he was trying to encourage me to branch out in my art and try more challenging material. Unfortunately, he didn't know how to express that in a way that encouraged me. Today, my father has gotten better at expressing approval. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Suicide is weighing heavily on my mind lately. My post history will reveal why if you aren't already aware. I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking. Our pastor's sermon this Sunday even fit with the theme. Taking some spare time to read more about suicide, I was struck with a thought that itched to be expressed. So I wrote it out and wanted to share. Influential Fathers Despite commonly held beliefs, you play the most influential role in the lives of your children. Many parents believe that teens cease to care what their parents think, instead looking to peers for answers, but this is simply not true. Regardless of how remote your teen acts, he or she still cares a great deal what you think of them. This seems to be especially true for you fathers. While mothers play a vital role in the lives of their children, you fathers seem to hold a special role that no mother can fill. The well-being of your children relies on your ability to convey that you love, trust, and approve of them. I know I spent a lifetime trying to gain my father's approval. No matter how well I did, I never felt that I was ever good enough. When I got an A- on my report card, the response was, "Why didn't you get an A?" When I got an A on my report card combined with a comment that I wasn't living up to my potential, my father noticed the comment but not the grade. I taught myself to draw at a young age and spent countless hours drawing from how-to library books and other illustrations. However, I was told that I could not draw, I could only copy. Eventually, I came to believe that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't and never would be an artist, that I was worthless. I also began practicing risky behaviors (ie. drinking, using illegal drugs, and sleeping around) in an effort to gain approval and belong somewhere. If I didn't belong to my family, maybe I would find belonging among the "bad kids" or find love and approval from the boys. When that didn't fill the void, I turned to suicide, making one feeble attempt and spending years wishing I was just dead. I returned to suicide years later as a young mother, wishing to spare my children the plight of being my children. I knew I would never be good enough for them and that they would be better off without me. My death would at least give my husband a chance of finding them a better mother while at the same time releasing me from unrelenting misery. Fortunately, with the help of a friend who did listen (and listened for hours every day for months) I did not act on my plan. After many years in a recovery program, I have gotten better. I am no longer a suicide risk. I believe that I never will be at risk for suicide again. I've come to understand and believe that I do, in fact, have worth. I've come to understand that while I am not perfect, I am good enough. I've come to realize that if I can overcome growing up in a dysfunctional home, my children, too, can overcome the mistakes I am making in raising them. I am always looking to improve even as I mess up. With that in mind, I have some questions for us all to consider: How often and in which ways do you show your children (of all ages) that you approve of them? When was the last time you showed your child that they were good enough for you? When was the last time your actions or words conveyed the message that your children didn't measure up? How can you increase your messages that your children are good enough and decrease your messages that they aren't? When was the last time you expressed approval of efforts (not accomplishments) your child makes in school or other accomplishments? When was the last time you complimented your child on a character trait they possess? How do you give each of your kids the impression that they are your favorite child? How does the awareness that a father's love and approval has a profound influence on a child change how you talk to, spend time with, and treat your child? When was the last time you "built up" your child? When was the last time you listened to your child without interrogation or judgment and without providing unsolicited advise? Just listened? How often do you convey that your child is trustworthy and capable of making decisions? When was the last time you allowed your child to make a decision and own the consequences of their decision without interference or "I told you so" comments? When was the last time you showed affection, even if it is just a clap on the back? Remember dads, it isn't about perfection. Don't judge yourselves harshly if you find yourself lacking. Instead endeavor to make a change one day at a time. Show your child that you approve of them today and go from there. ***Note*** There were other things going on in my life that lead to my experience with depression and suicide ideation. My father's inability to express approval was only one contributing factor. I know now that he was doing the best that he knew how. For example, he asked why I didn't get an A because he knew I was capable of it. Perhaps he was trying to encourage me to branch out in my art and try more challenging material. Unfortunately, he didn't know how to express that in a way that encouraged me. Today, my father has gotten better at expressing approval. Good post, thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Wow thank you for sharing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheryl Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) Suicide is weighing heavily on my mind lately. My post history will reveal why if you aren't already aware. I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking. Our pastor's sermon this Sunday even fit with the theme. Taking some spare time to read more about suicide, I was struck with a thought that itched to be expressed. So I wrote it out and wanted to share. Influential Fathers Despite commonly held beliefs, you play the most influential role in the lives of your children. Many parents believe that teens cease to care what their parents think, instead looking to peers for answers, but this is simply not true. Regardless of how remote your teen acts, he or she still cares a great deal what you think of them. This seems to be especially true for you fathers. While mothers play a vital role in the lives of their children, you fathers seem to hold a special role that no mother can fill. The well-being of your children relies on your ability to convey that you love, trust, and approve of them. I know I spent a lifetime trying to gain my father's approval. No matter how well I did, I never felt that I was ever good enough. When I got an A- on my report card, the response was, "Why didn't you get an A?" When I got an A on my report card combined with a comment that I wasn't living up to my potential, my father noticed the comment but not the grade. I taught myself to draw at a young age and spent countless hours drawing from how-to library books and other illustrations. However, I was told that I could not draw, I could only copy. Eventually, I came to believe that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't and never would be an artist, that I was worthless. I also began practicing risky behaviors (ie. drinking, using illegal drugs, and sleeping around) in an effort to gain approval and belong somewhere. If I didn't belong to my family, maybe I would find belonging among the "bad kids" or find love and approval from the boys. When that didn't fill the void, I turned to suicide, making one feeble attempt and spending years wishing I was just dead. I returned to suicide years later as a young mother, wishing to spare my children the plight of being my children. I knew I would never be good enough for them and that they would be better off without me. My death would at least give my husband a chance of finding them a better mother while at the same time releasing me from unrelenting misery. Fortunately, with the help of a friend who did listen (and listened for hours every day for months) I did not act on my plan. After many years in a recovery program, I have gotten better. I am no longer a suicide risk. I believe that I never will be at risk for suicide again. I've come to understand and believe that I do, in fact, have worth. I've come to understand that while I am not perfect, I am good enough. I've come to realize that if I can overcome growing up in a dysfunctional home, my children, too, can overcome the mistakes I am making in raising them. I am always looking to improve even as I mess up. With that in mind, I have some questions for us all to consider: How often and in which ways do you show your children (of all ages) that you approve of them? When was the last time you showed your child that they were good enough for you? When was the last time your actions or words conveyed the message that your children didn't measure up? How can you increase your messages that your children are good enough and decrease your messages that they aren't? When was the last time you expressed approval of efforts (not accomplishments) your child makes in school or other accomplishments? When was the last time you complimented your child on a character trait they possess? How do you give each of your kids the impression that they are your favorite child? How does the awareness that a father's love and approval has a profound influence on a child change how you talk to, spend time with, and treat your child? When was the last time you "built up" your child? When was the last time you listened to your child without interrogation or judgment and without providing unsolicited advise? Just listened? How often do you convey that your child is trustworthy and capable of making decisions? When was the last time you allowed your child to make a decision and own the consequences of their decision without interference or "I told you so" comments? When was the last time you showed affection, even if it is just a clap on the back? Remember dads, it isn't about perfection. Don't judge yourselves harshly if you find yourself lacking. Instead endeavor to make a change one day at a time. Show your child that you approve of them today and go from there. ***Note*** There were other things going on in my life that lead to my experience with depression and suicide ideation. My father's inability to express approval was only one contributing factor. I know now that he was doing the best that he knew how. For example, he asked why I didn't get an A because he knew I was capable of it. Perhaps he was trying to encourage me to branch out in my art and try more challenging material. Unfortunately, he didn't know how to express that in a way that encouraged me. Today, my father has gotten better at expressing approval. Joannqn, Wow! This, in my opinion, is the MOST PROFOUND thread I've ever read regarding family relationships! I'm going to copy/paste/print/circulate. Joann, I'm so very sorry for the lack of approval you needed and deserved, but did not get, from your Dad. I agree that Dad's do have a big responsibility because they are the leaders of the family. Thank you so much for sharing your journey because I know you have touched the hearts and minds of many here who have read your thread. Thank you for your courage and willingness to disclose this personal information. What had a negative impact on you can be used to greatly influence someone else for the better! Tears in my heart! :grouphug: Edited October 22, 2012 by sheryl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riverland Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 I'm crying. Thank you for sharing. Hopefully your post will help other families become stronger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lorilou Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Thank you for this. Excellent post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i.love.lucy Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Thank you Joann! This was a really thought provoking and heart wrenching post. Gave me a lot to think about...for myself. I am asking myself these questions because I do at times feel hyper-critical of my 12yo dd. I really do need to find some ways to show my love, appreciation and approval of her - not related to school work - and not related to accomplishment. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladydusk Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Thank you for sharing, JoAnn. I love lucy, I was thinking the same thing. I'm going to post it to the important content thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheryl Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 sending up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 That was an INCREDIBLE POST, JoAnn! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 I agree that we mothers need to do this too. I addressed it to fathers, though, because kids who have mothers who provide acceptance and approval still struggle if they don't get it from their fathers. For some reason, the approval of a father is a huge influence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 I agree that we mothers need to do this too. I addressed it to fathers, though, because kids who have mothers who provide acceptance and approval still struggle if they don't get it from their fathers. For some reason, the approval of a father is a huge influence. The book Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, addresses this in some detail as well. I have told my husband several times, exaggerating but not in jest, that I could be curled up in a fetal position under the table, sobbing, and the kids would just say, "Mom, what's for dinner?" He, on the other hand, can walk in with a scowl on his face, and a pall descends over the house. It is unfair to both of us, but that is how it is--like it or not, he does way more than 50% of setting the mood in our house. Thank you for your post. Terri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirch Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 If you feel comfortable doing so (I know it's a lot of personal stuff), you should post this on fb if you haven't already. Or even take out some of the personal stuff and post it in modified form. It deserves a wider audience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blessed3x Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Wow! Just WOW!! Excellent post, and a great reminder for all of us. Thank you for opening up and sharing this with us. Off to share it with dh, hug ds and call my two college girls.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeninok Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 (edited) I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I wish I could give this to my own father but I fear it is too late for that. :grouphug: I am also so blessed when I watch my DH with my son, knowing that he is "only" his step dad but treats DS with all the care and attention and respect that a kid could hope for. I love watching them talk, and explore the woods, and watch DH teach him about life. Always with care and as if DS is a worthy loved amazing little person. Edited October 23, 2012 by jeninok Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewe Mama Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I will make sure dh reads this tonight. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 Feel free to repost. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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