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I have a question for all AA and NA, Friends of Bill Etc.


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You can PM me if you like.

 

Someone I was very close to years ago, and who was sober for 15 years or so, has relapsed. Not a once, oh no relapse, but a 2 year fling, and life, marriage, career in a nose dive. I have just heard about it because of a particularly public action.

 

Should I send a short, heart-felt, non-haranging letter expressing how sad I am at how things are going, and that it is never to late to get a hold of life no matter how many broken promises and hearts left behind? That s/he was and is truly beloved by many (true) and that I hope this letter someday has meaning and inspiration to him/her even if it doesn't now?

 

I fell so helpless, and I know *I'd* feel better for writing the letter, but I don't want to bum him/her out even more/make things worse/shut any future door no matter how slim a chance is this person would contact me for encouragement.

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So much depends ultimately on the person receiving the letter and their state of mind. If they are feeling guilty about what they are doing, they may see it as haranguing even if there isn't a drop of that actually in the letter. Or they may be in so much denial that they look at it and toss it aside never to look at it again. Or it might stir some fond feelings of their own and they will respond positively at some point. But - (and here's the point of my post) your letter in and of itself won't push them into more drinking. And how open they are to pursuing relationships and mending fences eventually will ultimately depend on how and when they come out on the other side. So - I don't think it will hurt to send it and might help. But my cynical side says that you might never hear one way or another about it.

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Write and send the letter.

 

As a scientist, you might be interested to know that science is increasingly confirming that addiction is a brain disease. There are physiological reasons addicts/alcoholics keep using or relapse.

 

I tell my clients (and client families) that telling them to "stop" or expecting them to "get it" is like walking up to a diabetic and saying "end your disease" or "if you pray, you'll get better." It's like walking up to a person with heart disease and saying, "if you wanted it bad enough, your arteries wouldn't have plaque." Or an asthmatic and saying "Just breath better."

 

I am not exaggerating; in a predisposed body, the function of drugs on brain chemistry creates an illness. Just like the diseases mentioned above, remedies and healing include a behavioral change component, but the addiction issue isn't spiritual, psychological, or weakness in origin.

 

People who have relapsed are usually lonely, scared, and losing resources and support (by that, I do not mean to suggest giving them money).

 

Write the letter. :grouphug:

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If I were at a low, that kind of letter would make me feel lower.

 

If I were at a high, that kind of letter would have pissed me off.

 

If I were somewhere in between, ... maybe that kind of letter would be fine. But I spent more time at either extreme.

 

At any time I think I'd have welcomed a letter knowing I was loved and cared for and accepted (for better or worse, warts and all). You wouldn't have to get specific; I'd know why you were writing. If I reached out from that point, I'd have shown myself open to hearing more ... the disappointment, the never too late stuff. But I wouldn't receive it well if it were unsolicited.

 

I'd be embarassed by any public action that incited the correspondance, and that alone might guide my reaction to your letter (not giving it due attention).

 

I'm not everyone, though, and you'd know this person best.

 

I think it's wonderful that you care enough to reach out.

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