dealing with work conflict

[EthiopianFood]

I need specific phrases to use, as there will likely be an issue I have to deal with this Saturday. I'll try to be as succinct as possible. :tongue_smilie:

 

I work in-home taking care of a client with a disability. My boss (i.e. my client's mom) is on vacation, but said client is being cared for at home by staff. A coworker, who my boss raised as a teen, has a history of accusing me of saying and doing things that I would never say/do. I do a lot of extra work at my job, and this coworker does the bare minimum, including purposely not doing work because they know I will just do it on my shift. I believe this is why I have been targeted. I forgot to do something this weekend, which irritated/angered this coworker because she felt inconvenienced. She made a list of things for me to do today to get back at me, essentially things that I either would have done anyway, and/or things that she just didn't feel like doing on her shift (she has been working over full time; I have worked 11 hours this weekend total), including things that have nothing to do with taking care of my client, but do affect the coworker. I did NOT follow this list beyond what I normally do, such as not washing my coworker's laundry or go grocery shopping because she didn't feel like it, for items half of which my client doesn't even eat.

 

I am almost positive I will be accused of "doing nothing" this weekend, and the list will be used as furthur proof. My boss will confront me about this as though she believes it, even though she says nothing but good things about how hard I work to everyone (I have heard this from multiple people in the home). I always either act guilty when I'm not in order to avoid conflict, or act defensive. I don't want to do either. I want to stand up for myself. I am now attempting to find another place to work, after over ten years with this family, because I refuse to be treated this way anymore. In the meantime, I need to deal with this conflict, because we need the money, unless I want to default on student loans and credit cards.

 

I need specific phrases to use when asked if/why I didn't do what this coworkered asked me to do, and if/why I "did nothing" while my boss was gone. The family dynamics won't change, so focusing on how wrong the coworker is will likely just lead to my boss defending my coworker.

Edited October 22, 2012 by RaeAnne

[Twigs]

Can you print out a chart, in 15-30-60 minute intervals (whaterver you think will work best) that you can fill in as the day progresses? Write down what you get done, as you do it.

 

Best wishes.

[EthiopianFood]

Can you print out a chart, in 15-30-60 minute intervals (whaterver you think will work best) that you can fill in as the day progresses? Write down what you get done, as you do it.

 

Best wishes.

 

I have thought about doing this, but unfortunately, the weekend is already over, so it won't do me any good this time. I have already decided that I am unwilling to work in-home the next time my boss is on vacation, to avoid this type of situation.

[kalanamak]

If you are looking elsewhere, I'd try to suck it up until you get work.

 

If you want to stand up a bit, you could say something like: "I did X Y and Z, my usual responsibilities, and also A B and C because [other person] left me a list. S/he must have had a bad weekend to leave so much for me to do, but we're part of team, aren't we? How was your trip?"

[Denisemomof4]

If you are looking elsewhere, I'd try to suck it up until you get work.

 

If you want to stand up a bit, you could say something like: "I did X Y and Z, my usual responsibilities, and also A B and C because [other person] left me a list. S/he must have had a bad weekend to leave so much for me to do, but we're part of team, aren't we? How was your trip?"

 

:iagree: what a shame. You've been with them so long. :sad:

[EthiopianFood]

:iagree: what a shame. You've been with them so long. :sad:

 

I know. :( Everyone else has bailed because of various drama and stress related to the job. I've tried really hard to be understanding of my boss's stress in life, and do more than my job description calls for to try and help her out.

 

The thing is, I did the stuff on the list that was related to what I normally do, NOT the stuff I don't. I didn't go grocery shopping for my coworker for items half of which my client doesn't even eat, nor did I wash her clothing that she had left in the laundry basket, even though she doesn't live there.

[EthiopianFood]

If you are looking elsewhere, I'd try to suck it up until you get work.

 

So I should lie and say I did nothing? I don't have to make a grand statement or anything, but unless I apologize for something I didn't even do to keep the peace, which will just cause MORE conflict for me because my boss will think I do nothing when she's not there, I still need to know what to say when she asks about this.

 

There just isn't a way to say it's not true without saying the coworker is a liar, and I'd like to avoid that as much as possible. I'm not trying to reveal this person's true character, I just don't don't know how to deny something without sounding defensive.

[happyhomemaker]

Focus on what you *did* do, rather than the things on the list you didn't do. So you can just run down the list of things you did do this weekend, and if the list comes up specifically just say that you did all of the things on the list that pertained to your client's needs. Be matter of fact. You know you did a good job so you don't need to be defensive.

 

I hope you can find a better place soon. :grouphug:

[myfunnybunch]

So I should lie and say I did nothing? I don't have to make a grand statement or anything, but unless I apologize for something I didn't even do to keep the peace, which will just cause MORE conflict for me because my boss will think I do nothing when she's not there, I still need to know what to say when she asks about this.

 

There just isn't a way to say it's not true without saying the coworker is a liar, and I'd like to avoid that as much as possible. I'm not trying to reveal this person's true character, I just don't don't know how to deny something without sounding defensive. \

 

I don't think you need to lie. You say matter-of-factly, "Gosh, I was so busy doing (list normal duties) and I also pitched in to help with (list extra duties you do) that I wasn't able to get to the grocery shopping and extra laundry."

 

If you treat it as a non-issue, likely your boss will take your lead, especially if she sees how hard you work normally and if you're listing the duties that you normally do when she's around. If you're talking about what you did accomplish, then it doesn't really matter what Coworker says, and if you deliberately underreact ("Huh. Wonder why she'd say that?") to Coworker's statements, then it gives them far less weight than if you either pretend to be at fault or get defensive.

 

:grouphug: Sorry your coworker is such a stinker. I hope you find something soon.

 

Cat

[EthiopianFood]

Focus on what you *did* do, rather than the things on the list you didn't do. So you can just run down the list of things you did do this weekend, and if the list comes up specifically just say that you did all of the things on the list that pertained to your client's needs. Be matter of fact. You know you did a good job so you don't need to be defensive.

 

I hope you can find a better place soon. :grouphug:

 

Yes, that is so obvious, but I'm trying so hard not to let the anxiety of all of this keep me from functioning at all that I didn't really think of this. :tongue_smilie: Yes, I will practice this in my head this week, so I don't get nervous and become unable to remember anything I did at work.

 

It's very difficult, because I get paid $3 more an hour than I would working with another client somewhere else. I'm seeing if I can find an awake overnight position, and just deal with two hours of sleep one night a week. :glare: At least I would have my weekends back, though, ugh. I just have such limited availability if I'm not willing to put dd in school. :(

[EthiopianFood]

I don't think you need to lie. You say matter-of-factly, "Gosh, I was so busy doing (list normal duties) and I also pitched in to help with (list extra duties you do) that I wasn't able to get to the grocery shopping and extra laundry."

 

If you treat it as a non-issue, likely your boss will take your lead, especially if she sees how hard you work normally and if you're listing the duties that you normally do when she's around. If you're talking about what you did accomplish, then it doesn't really matter what Coworker says, and if you deliberately underreact ("Huh. Wonder why she'd say that?") to Coworker's statements, then it gives them far less weight than if you either pretend to be at fault or get defensive.

 

:grouphug: Sorry your coworker is such a stinker. I hope you find something soon.

 

Cat

 

Again, I know these things, but when I'm upset, I"m so worried about doing the wrong thing that my thinking is so unclear. I wish I could get this over with, but I'm also glad I have time to calm down a little so I can act like it's a non-issue, as you say, even though my heart will be pounding. I know I should just be grateful I have a job at all, but man, I hate being poor and unable to just quit right this second. :glare:

[Reflections]

Again, I know these things, but when I'm upset, I"m so worried about doing the wrong thing that my thinking is so unclear. I wish I could get this over with, but I'm also glad I have time to calm down a little so I can act like it's a non-issue, as you say, even though my heart will be pounding. I know I should just be grateful I have a job at all, but man, I hate being poor and unable to just quit right this second. :glare:

 

 

I know exactly how you feel. :grouphug:

 

The idea of a job with no sleep sounds better than this, imo.

[EthiopianFood]

I know exactly how you feel. :grouphug:

 

The idea of a job with no sleep sounds better than this, imo.

 

You know, I appreciate you saying that, because I've been wondering if I'm deluding myself about that. IF I can find an overnight that ends in time for me to get home before dh leaves for work (this is proving to be challenging), and if they will let me only work one shift a week... gee, it's just one night, you know? If I go to bed earlier the rest of the week, I would probably get MORE sleep over all than I do right now! :lol:

 

This sort of thing doesn't happen often, to be honest. It's just knowing that it CAN happen through no reasonable fault of my own that is frustrating. I'm sure this will all blow over, but having this happen over and over (in addition to little things occasionally that make it seem like my boss is willing at any second to believe I've been hiding my true nature all these years) has pushed me right on the edge this time.... I've contacted two agencies about other shifts, something I have never done before.

[Cera]

I would probably move the focus to the person you are providing care for.

 

Tell your boss that your focus was on providing quality care for xxx and you did what you needed to do for him/her first then filled in with the extra tasks from the list as you had time. Tell her that you felt the care should be your priority and you are sorry but you simply didn't have time to get to the grocery shopping or doing the other care providers laundry without sacrificing some quality of care.

 

 

The other option would be to figure out where the money to pay you is coming from and if there are restrictions on how that can be used. If it is only to hire someone for personal care and not for household help you could tell your boss that per the funding agency your job is not to do laundry for other care providers.

[celticmom]

I would probably move the focus to the person you are providing care for.

 

Tell your boss that your focus was on providing quality care for xxx and you did what you needed to do for him/her first then filled in with the extra tasks from the list as you had time. Tell her that you felt the care should be your priority and you are sorry but you simply didn't have time to get to the grocery shopping or doing the other care providers laundry without sacrificing some quality of care.

 

 

The other option would be to figure out where the money to pay you is coming from and if there are restrictions on how that can be used. If it is only to hire someone for personal care and not for household help you could tell your boss that per the funding agency your job is not to do laundry for other care providers.

 

:iagree:I would also state that you found the grocery list confusing since in your experience the person you care for does not eat x, y and z. I would state that I would also be reluctant to do someone's laundry w/o knowing if they have sensitivites to certain detergents or work with other clients who do or if their clothing requires any other special care.

[elegantlion]

I don't think you need to lie. You say matter-of-factly, "Gosh, I was so busy doing (list normal duties) and I also pitched in to help with (list extra duties you do) that I wasn't able to get to the grocery shopping and extra laundry."

 

If you treat it as a non-issue, likely your boss will take your lead, especially if she sees how hard you work normally and if you're listing the duties that you normally do when she's around. If you're talking about what you did accomplish, then it doesn't really matter what Coworker says, and if you deliberately underreact ("Huh. Wonder why she'd say that?") to Coworker's statements, then it gives them far less weight than if you either pretend to be at fault or get defensive.

 

:grouphug: Sorry your coworker is such a stinker. I hope you find something soon.

 

Cat

 

:grouphug: You did your job. Does this co-worker have authority over you? I so get the job dynamics. Sounds like you're in that time frame where you know you want to leave and it's almost like an earthquake waiting to happen. Dh had that in his last job.

 

I would not lie, you may need a good referral from your boss, plus there is no reason to lie. Your co-worker may end up with the one with their knickers in a twist, it may aggravate them more to know it doesn't bother you. I also wouldn't make a big deal about it. I would go in a closet and kick and scream and put on a game face at your job.

 

Dh wants to get a shirt that says, "Your lack of preparedness does not constitute an emergency on my part." Don't let your co-workers plays about your lack of duties constitute an emergency for you.

 

Think like a duck. They glide across the water, looking so smooth. Underneath their little feet are paddling like crazy. You can smile while gritting your teeth. And practice saying everything you want. Look in the mirror and role play. It really does help the anxiety if you've seen every way a conversation can go before the conversation starts.

 

I'm sorry you're in this position. :grouphug:

[homeschoolin'mygirls]

Revise wording to fit your personality but maybe these will help some

 

 

Gosh-you know sometimes I think that too. But then when I look back I realize that in 11 hours I worked hard -and look at what I did accomplish. I did --x,y, z.....

 

 

You know, coworker did leave me a list of things that didn't get done during the week. I'm happy to help. Why don't you and I go over the lists/task and you tell me what you see as the most important/needing to get done first?

 

Always works like that , doesn't it. We never get everything done we want. Coworker told me the extra things she wants done. Why don't you tell me the things you want done outside of my normal activities?

 

I feel *weird, sad, strange,___insert feeling word of choice, no angry or defensive words* to hear you say that. My job is important to me and I try to do my very best at it.

 

I know, right? Isn't it funny how different it looks to people not doing it. I never knew coworker did so much until she told me. I expect she doesn't really know how much i do, either.

**if you can add an example client can relate to it helps. exa--You know, it's like how people say "oh just do your exercises 3 times a day. They have no how much work it is and how painful it is for you**

 

 

I am a RN with home health experience. The above may or may not help depending on your client's disabilities.

 

Sounds like to me coworker has formed an- manipulative emotional bond between her and client that gives her some authority. And uses that bond to make sure that noone else gets close to client and threatens her authority.

 

Unfortunately all too common in home care situations. Stay detached emotionally if possible. Stay objective when talking with client and coworker. Do not talk negative about coworker. Do not let them engage you in drama-it only escalates it.

And get out as soon as possible. I highly doubt this situation is fixable because your coworker has unofficial authority that the client acknowledges by his actions, if not in words.

 

Good luck

 

 

 

[homeschoolin'mygirls]

l

Edited October 22, 2012 by homeschoolin'mygirls
posted twice

[EthiopianFood]

Revise wording to fit your personality but maybe these will help some

 

 

Gosh-you know sometimes I think that too. But then when I look back I realize that in 11 hours I worked hard -and look at what I did accomplish. I did --x' date='y, z.....[/i']

 

 

You know, coworker did leave me a list of things that didn't get done during the week. I'm happy to help. Why don't you and I go over the lists/task and you tell me what you see as the most important/needing to get done first?

 

Always works like that , doesn't it. We never get everything done we want. Coworker told me the extra things she wants done. Why don't you tell me the things you want done outside of my normal activities?

 

I feel *weird, sad, strange,___insert feeling word of choice, no angry or defensive words* to hear you say that. My job is important to me and I try to do my very best at it.

 

I know, right? Isn't it funny how different it looks to people not doing it. I never knew coworker did so much until she told me. I expect she doesn't really know how much i do, either.

**if you can add an example client can relate to it helps. exa--You know, it's like how people say "oh just do your exercises 3 times a day. They have no how much work it is and how painful it is for you**

 

 

I am a RN with home health experience. The above may or may not help depending on your client's disabilities.

 

Sounds like to me coworker has formed an- manipulative emotional bond between her and client that gives her some authority. And uses that bond to make sure that noone else gets close to client and threatens her authority.

 

Unfortunately all too common in home care situations. Stay detached emotionally if possible. Stay objective when talking with client and coworker. Do not talk negative about coworker. Do not let them engage you in drama-it only escalates it.

 

And get out as soon as possible. I highly doubt this situation is fixable because your coworker has unofficial authority that the client acknowledges by his actions, if not in words.

 

Good luck

 

 

 

 

I appreciate your perspective, since you know how this type of job can be. I was a little unclear, in that the dynamic is my boss (the mother of the client) and the coworker, her family member. My client actually has no idea what is going on, he's just a sweetie no matter what. :001_smile: But you are right in that the coworker has unneccessary power... over my boss. The boundaries are just terrible in this situation, and this is with trying to maintain them at least a little! You become a part of someone's family after working in their home for so long, and when there are already inappropriate boundaries in the family dynamic, you almost have to be very distant to remain professional. This still doesn't change how THEY behave though, hence this issue. I am trying hard to figure out how to get out of this situation, but I am working out of necessity, and any other job I have seen like this would require 30% more hours to make the same amount. I am already maxed out, yet needing to make more money and put a lot more energy into my home. I just don't know what to do. This dynamic is exhausting, but so is working 20 hours every weekend. :(

[EthiopianFood]

Thank you so much everyone for all your replies. You know you're desperate when you're going online for support. :( I have gotten so much good advice that I will be using. I have been thinking about ways to work somewhere else, but nothing is looking very promising. It's hard to decide which is the lesser of two evils sometimes.