Verity Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Having searched on the boards I see that several ladies here have done adoptions and foster care. Dh and I have had adoption on our hearts since we were dating. Now we've been married almost 16 years, have three children of our own and it's starting to come up again in our spirits. I've mentioned becoming foster parents/adoption to dh several times over the past five years but he was very closed to it and felt it wasn't the right time. Recently our church offered some classes that talked about adoption experiences internationally and domestic. I wanted to go but decided to not mention it to dh and prayed that if God wanted us to go He would put it on dh's heart. Sure enough, the following week dh approached me about going to the classes! We attended two classes and just went to our county orientation meeting to get signed up for the parenting classes required before your home study. So far we haven't talked to anyone in our circle about this. We are still in "pray and seek" mode. Initially, I was thinking of international adoption but the costs seem to be prohibitive. We don't have much money at all in savings/investments. We live well but pretty much paycheck to paycheck. Also we have three children already. My oldest, 14, has Asperger's/ADD, my middle son, 10, was diagnosed ADHD and we have a 6 year old with some developmental delays. All are smart and reasonably well behaved kids working at grade level. With dh's new job (started in late July) we have excellent health insurance and could offer health care so a child with special needs. We also have my mom living with us. We have lived with her on and off our entire married lives. She is on full disability. She has fibromyalgia, Sjrogen's, spinal stenosis and unknown other...is in pain a good bit and doesn't have alot of mobility. Currently she lives in our "basement" and has her own bathroom and outdoor exit. She pays us room and board. We are very close and when her health is good (maybe 20% of the time) she does help cook and watch over the kids so dh and I can get a datenight. Ok, so there is the current situation. At this point we were considering looking for an adoption of a child between 4 and 8 years old. We have been told that there aren't any children in that age range in our county but we could get qualified and look outside the county/state. I have thought that I would love to have a girl, we would also consider a sibling pair. We've also been exposed to more info about becoming foster parents. I always felt that our homeschooling would be a big problem to be a foster parent, and I know that you can't homeschool foster children...but I'm becoming more open to having the mix in my home. Any words of wisdom or advice? Dh and I are looking into taking the classes necessary for either adoption or fostering. I think my mom will be resistant initially and probably say that she doesn't think I can handle more stress since I have so much on my plate with my Aspie and ADHD kids already. But dh and I both think that we could handle it and really believe that God won't give us more than we can handle. Wow, it's just such a big decision! :tongue_smilie: I would appreciate any experiences/advice you all have. Quote
Julie in Austin Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 The advice most professionals will give you is to maintain your birth order, which means only adopt/foster children younger than your youngest. We were, briefly, foster parents and the advice *I* would give you is to only foster/adopt children 5 years younger than your youngest. Nothing horrid happened to us, but I realized after a few placements that the potential was definitely there for something horrible to happen and it wasn't fair to my own children to take in children even close to their ages. So please consider waiting a few years. Quote
Denisemomof4 Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 (edited) I stopped at the ages of the child you hope to adopt. No. Have you read my posts? Add a RAD into the mix and all your kid's issues likely will spiral out of control. Your mom's health will also suffer. Imagine a kid who wants to hurt others, finger paint with feces, urinate on your furniture, out of control rages for hours, crazy lying, stealing, vandalizing your home, pushing your buttons 24 hours per day. All of this into their teen years. Even with therapy, love, etc. While it is not a given that you will adopt a RAD, adopting any child from foster care is likely to add significant issues to your family. My RAD destroyed the happy family we once had. My boys couldn't wait to move out. We live with locked doors on our room, alarms on RAD's room, and RAD is NEVER allowed out of my sight when she is out of her room. I adopted her from China, brought her home st 14 months of age, and the first time she tried to kill a pet she was only 3. My best advice is to wait until your youngest is WELL into his teens before you do this. If you end up with a well adjusted, loving child, count your blessings. If you do not, you will thank your lucky stars you waited. I have spoken to adult siblings of RADs. Very sad. Edited October 17, 2012 by Denisemomof4 Quote
Denisemomof4 Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I am Saving a ton of my posts regarding my RAD because of the software upgrade. I found this one while sifting through all the threads I started: http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/showthread.php?t=119135&highlight=RAD While my RAD is largely healed now and doing well, it came at a tremendous cost. Dh, dd12 and I have had to learn to live with extremely disgusting and horrible behaviors that may never change. I never realized that RAD's can do this stuff well beyond their teens. Quote
dollie* Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 We adopted from foster care this year, July 2012. Our daughter was placed with us in October 2011. We have a bio daughter who is 7. We originally were advised to adopt younger; we ended up with a 10 year old. When this "opportunity" came up, we were presented with it, and my husband and I discussed it in depth and went for it. Maybe we have the fairytale outcome of foster care adoption, but she is WONDERFUL. She is considerate, loving, sharing, gentle, happy, helpful, well-mannered…I could go on and about how great she is. If anyone had issues in this situation, it's been me in the bonding/attachment department. But I'm working on myself. We, luckily, had a wonderful agency and experience, so much so that we would like to adopt again. Quote
my2boysteacher Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 It does seem like you have a lot on your plate. Have you thought about what the coming years may look like if you mother's condition worsens? Will you be the sole care-giver? Don't think that if you do agree to do foster care they will just drop a demon child on your doorstep and you are committed for life. :001_smile: I grew up as a biological child in a foster home. Granted When I was a teenager, and my parents took toddlers and young children. Once the bio kids were out of the house they took teens. If you do foster care, You do not have to commit to adoption. You can take your time to see what kind of needs the child would require, and if you think you can safely meet them, while thinking of your own children's needs as well. My parents adopted 5 of their hundred or so foster kids. One with serious PTSD from severe abuse suffered as a child. She can tell you horror stories of raising this child, but has absolutely no regrets. She did have quite a few placements who started demonstrating serious behaviors which she didn't feel equipped to handle. Those children were moved to other homes. There were a few scary moments when one adopted son pulled a knife on my dad, and my mom found out another foster son was sleeping with a knife under his pillow, harboring a serious grudge against one of her adopted kids. He was removed from the home. Regarding waiting until your kids are teens or grown to start foster care, IDK that I believe that. My younger sister was 14 when our parents started doing foster care, and she had serious adjustment problems. She started self destructive behavior like aneorexia, and tried to OD on pills. She eventually Moved out of the house to live with a friend when she was only 16 . She turned out okay :001_smile:, later went on to do foster care herself. I think it more depends on each child, how they will react. I just wanted to give you more to think about. Definitely pray on it, long and hard. If you do decide to move forward. Take it slow and don't make any commitments until you give it enough time to see how the child fits into your family. I have 5 amazing 'found' siblings that I couldn't love more. Yes, they have had a few more struggles than a lot of kids, but there are no guarantees in life. Even with birth children. Quote
Lucy Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 My neighbor did foster-adopt program and signed up for children under one with no health issues. The lady laughed at her and said that never happened. Within 1 month she had 6 week old twins in great health. She just finalized the adoption. Her nearest bio child is four years older than the twins. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want, because you never know what the Lord will send you! People will give you reasons to do it - others will tell you every reason not to. The real question is: do I feel "called" to do this? What is my heart telling me is the right thing to do? I've adopted internationally - we are broke most of the time - but we found the money, listened to our hearts (not the naysayers), and now have a wonderful new daughter. Quote
SonshineLearner Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 I've adopted internationally - we are broke most of the time - but we found the money, listened to our hearts (not the naysayers), and now have a wonderful new daughter. But, said gently, the naysayers are saying what they do... out of love and care for you and your family. They have lived through experiences that you don't want to have to live through. They have had their children attacked physically or emotionally. Remember that it can take quite a while to see a RAD child pull out their issues.... Good behavior can mask what you'll see later. That's why it's important, should you choose to take the risk, that you spend the time learning about RAD to make sure you know how to deal with it and to see the early symptoms. I know someone who has had their family just shaken over the foster/adopt of a really cute little kid who didn't turn out to be so cute. She still has things to work through years after the adoption and even though things have been dealt with in a different way than some would agree with. (Trying for not too much personal info about someone else) Anyway, I have to say that I'd leave my family alone and volunteer for some children's home or something. Maybe do respite care, if anything, for the foster system. :grouphug: Quote
Impish Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Yes. Educate yourself to the nth degree about RAD. Do not allow ppl to tell you it's rare, that it hardly ever happens, or to be lulled into the fantasy of happily ever after. Reality of RAD is incredibly difficult, draining, and all too often downright dangerous. The resources out there to help families deal w/it are rare and expensive if you *can* find someone in your area that actually knows what it is and specializes in treating it. Not even fostering to adopt will reveal the reality. Often, RAD kids do wonderfully in a foster situation, only to reveal many issues after adoption, BECAUSE of the permanancy of the situation. To not thoroughly educate yourself on the realities of RAD is to do yourself, your dh, and esp your children a huge disservice, and to put your family at grave risk. Quote
anneofalamo Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Big big breath here....deep in, and exhale! We have adopted thru foster 3 times. Correction, we are in our third foster to adopt situation with 3 young boys. First adoption, a 4 year old boy, emotional roller coaster for me, the insane and wow I didn't realize how selfish I was! He did great, and connected very fast, especially with my husband. By the time he was legally adopted we had all bonded and life was good. Three years later, we decided to add to our family again. This time a sibling group: twin girls 4years old (had just turned) and their brother (11months older) and still 4. They had been thru the wringer, brother was the adult and twins were almost comatose in reacting. It was beyond insane trying to keep our oldest (now 7) from going off the deep end with sharing toys and his parents time. It took a long time to get balance and for them to bond as siblings. But it did happen, but oh boy, it is not like adding a baby to the mix, it is adding a whole gang of walking talking people! So......8 years later. My 4 kids understand the system, we are moving and grooving and doing life just great. One of the twins mentions, could we adopt more mom? My heart skips and forgets the growling part, but remembers the joyful parts. I talk to hubby, he is all for it. We talk as a family and agree, but really feel a sibling group is what we can do and would work for us. Enter 3 raw and hurting boys, 3, 5 and 7. We are 6 months into this, and it has been rough on our family. We are very close, and have good communication. In this, I have two boys going thru major puberty and growing emotionally, my girls are entering the insane 13 age (although with more grace than I had). So emotions can be the main hindrance. Our boys are normal to the eye, yet the pain in their hearts is way deeper than any of the other 4. We are now seeing a bit of bonding, but we went thru a major resentment period that my olders were fighting. They would come to us, so apologetic, but mom, I don't like them, I don't like them here, but I don't want them to go. It was beyond painful to hear, and feel the same in my own heart. My main word to you, is the burden on your heart is real, and it is not all rainbows and happy. But there is joy to be found and I would do it all over again! Quote
Pamela H in Texas Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 (edited) I think, "go into it with your eyes wide open, expect a roller coaster and a STEEP learning curve, and your forever kiddo(s) out there somewhere :)" As for the age you are thinking? I have two thoughts. First is, "just what we are thinking too!" I'm absolutely NOT against the age group. I think it is WONDERFUL, especially in a foster to adopt situation (I'd be less likely to consider a straight adopt from fostercare situation at those ages unless it was just an awesome situation like an elderly fostermom with no intention to adopt and the kid is just now available or something). Second is, "but your youngest is six!" This is where eyes wide open is necessary. I just think of everything we've been through in the last 19months. I *cringed* with what my oldest two have learned/heard/saw/experienced with our littles. Seriously. Maybe they were sheltered a bit but the kids who came here certainly weren't. OF course, we took kids from disruptions which also played a part in that. I actually prefer kids from disruption rather than from home for a few reasons, but there are reasons for disruptions (even if they claim it wasn't because of the kids!). You have to know that your 6yo will have MUCH more exposure to things (dangerous situations, sex talks, violence, horrible stories, supervision needs, LOTS of poop, behaviors, etc). Of course, we did manage through them and so could you. But it may mean things you'd never dream of (alarms in the hallway, baby monitors for 6yos, additional locks, mirrors or cameras, keeping 5 and 7yos within armslength for MONTHS, etc). When I think of all that now? I....I think about how I thought when I first heard it. Video Cameras? Laser alarms across bedrooms? Poop smearing? Oh please let us just get some cute kids who say a bad word or throw all the clothes out of the rooms! And now? It is so different. I'm SMILING as I write this! I don't necessarily LIKE crazy levels of supervision and I certainly am no fan of poop! But it has all been worth it! And the kids have come SO far. The biggest jump in attachment and appropriate behaviors has come with school starting this year (and after adoption). They HAVE gotten that they are forever. They HAVE gotten that mommy loves them. They HAVE attached (with attachment therapy and ongoing therapeutic parenting). They HAVE become a big part of this family. In April/May, I never would have believed our happy "ending" would be so close. Anyway, we have two beds open :) Ages? 4-9 :) And I think we'll stick with that age range. BTW, LOTS of people successfully adopt older than their youngest and even older than all their children. Do you need to be careful? ABSOLUTELY. You'll have to be careful if you get a 2year old, honestly. Your core family (bios now, later bios and adopted) MUST come first. Fostering is HARD, very hard. But I'm a better person for it. My family is better for it. My kids have blossomed. It *is* worth it. ETA: Yes, there are horror stories. Yes, many people have a great deal of trouble (and a great deal of joy). But YES, there are LOTS of awesome stories also. Be honest. Do you NEED it to be just the last outcome? If so, fostering to adopt may not be for you. If you can handle a bit of a roller coaster and "trouble," then maybe it is :) Edited October 17, 2012 by 2J5M9K Quote
craftyerin Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 My oldest was adopted through foster care, placed at 3 weeks old. I have several friends with children who were adopted through foster care, all placed before they were 6mos old. Babies, all of them. Not a single one is without significant challenges. All of us are lucky, none of us is dealing with attachment disorders. I am maybe the luckiest. My DS just has ADHD and a major speech delay. As far as issues go, those are very normal. Hardly a problem in the grand scheme of things. Some of my friends' kids have more significant issues. I adore my precious son. He is such a cool kid, and it's a joy to be his mama, but foster care and working with the system is SO hard. I have a heart for it, still feel that calling, yet have a healthy dose of fear of getting back into it. I'm torn about getting re-licensed sometime in the future. Best of luck to you whatever you decide. Please do make your decision after asking lots of questions, after lots of prayer, and with your eyes wide open. Quote
Verity Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 Hi ladies, just want you to know that I am reading all the posts. I was already scared but now...wow! Of course I've heard of RAD but hadn't really thought about that, now I am. We are at the start of our process, 30 hours of classes to go before we even get a home study and right now I'm further back from the starting line as I digest all you have said. Thank you for your candor! Quote
Pamela H in Texas Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Verity, if you have any questions, please ask. I really have a heart for this. But it *is* challenging. I've been a parent for 20 years now and the past 19months have been incredibly difficult, which I, of course, beat myself up about. Last year this time, I had to contact my old psychologist for some additional support (btw, it is pretty normal for people to find out more about their own issues because of foster children's issues). I really thought that I could love and use strong teaching-based discipline and the kids would be fine here in a matter of weeks. That is so amazingly wrong that I don't even know where to start. It isn't about what love you give, but what love they are capable of accepting. And teaching-based discipline can only take if the person can receive the teaching and use it, both of which these kids, often operating at a more primal state, cannot, especially in the moment. And it is tempting, but futile, to turn to consequences because they are even less able to process that appropriately. One thing I have noticed though? Foster children are some of the most beautiful and brightest children around. I have been absolutely amazed by almost every child who has been here whether it was a few days, weeks, or months. I have been told that this is more about my own ability to see strengths, but I really do think the foster child population has a special *something* about it :) I don't want to dissuade you from fostering. I just want you to be absolutely sure about what you're doing because it can be more damaging to the children for you to take them then go nuts or just be another of a long string of people through their lives. Also, you need to protect your core family (your children AND yourselves - allegations run rampant and it is amazing how young kids learn how to use them to hurt others and themselves!). Those classes are likely to teach you almost nothing. May I make a suggestion? Go to adoption.com's foster parent support boards. Ask your agency about visiting various foster homes (this is part of our training here, but...). Read blogs. Ask questions. But the real life will start a couple months (yes, at least weeks, if not months) after you get kiddo number one :) And we'll be here to support you :) Quote
jamajo Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Boy your situation sounds like mine. My husband & I have been married 16 years. We were so idealistic and talked about adoption before we married. We have 3 kids of our own 15, 13, - 11 all girls. We started talking about it again 2 years ago and it seemed like everywhere I turned was talking about adoption - the movie Despicable Me came out, commercials, meeting people with an adoption story, missionaries visiting our church talking about it. I just felt like God was screaming at us (well not literally). So we took the classes as a first start. I even decorated our spare bedroom in a boys' sports theme as we wanted to adopt a boy. We dreamed about the perfect placement - a 18 mo. old where our home was his first placement. I didn't want an infant and I didn't want a child who had been in other homes. My husband said not likely to get that type of placement. One year later...DSS hadn't called so I started to doubt God's burning in my heart. 7/6/12 they called when I had a house full of 18 people. We said yes to a sibling group of 3 - 6yr boy, 4 yr girl, and 18 mo. boy. Talk about CRAZY! I don't even know how I keep up everyday. But these kids are a perfect fit for our family. They came straight from their home to ours. They are angels with no visible problems other than they miss their mom. Not an abusive situation but a 6 yr old can't take care of an 18 mo old for 12+ hours so they are with us. I shutter at the thought of having to give them back although I know that is the goal of DSS to reunite families if possible. I just keep praying "God's will be done." Our situation I think is so incredibly blessed that I am afraid to foster any other kids b/c what are the odds of getting this type of placement again? My two older bio children have done well but my youngest struggles slightly. She is no longer the baby and there is a lot of sacriface she has to make. But I believe it has been a good character building exercise for her. God will provide for whatever he calls us to do. We are his hands and feet in the world. He loves these children and needs us to love them and share the gospel. Quote
momma aimee Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Big big breath here....deep in, and exhale! We have adopted thru foster 3 times. Correction, we are in our third foster to adopt situation with 3 young boys. First adoption, a 4 year old boy, emotional roller coaster for me, the insane and wow I didn't realize how selfish I was! He did great, and connected very fast, especially with my husband. By the time he was legally adopted we had all bonded and life was good. Three years later, we decided to add to our family again. This time a sibling group: twin girls 4years old (had just turned) and their brother (11months older) and still 4. They had been thru the wringer, brother was the adult and twins were almost comatose in reacting. It was beyond insane trying to keep our oldest (now 7) from going off the deep end with sharing toys and his parents time. It took a long time to get balance and for them to bond as siblings. But it did happen, but oh boy, it is not like adding a baby to the mix, it is adding a whole gang of walking talking people! So......8 years later. My 4 kids understand the system, we are moving and grooving and doing life just great. One of the twins mentions, could we adopt more mom? My heart skips and forgets the growling part, but remembers the joyful parts. I talk to hubby, he is all for it. We talk as a family and agree, but really feel a sibling group is what we can do and would work for us. Enter 3 raw and hurting boys, 3, 5 and 7. We are 6 months into this, and it has been rough on our family. We are very close, and have good communication. In this, I have two boys going thru major puberty and growing emotionally, my girls are entering the insane 13 age (although with more grace than I had). So emotions can be the main hindrance. Our boys are normal to the eye, yet the pain in their hearts is way deeper than any of the other 4. We are now seeing a bit of bonding, but we went thru a major resentment period that my olders were fighting. They would come to us, so apologetic, but mom, I don't like them, I don't like them here, but I don't want them to go. It was beyond painful to hear, and feel the same in my own heart. My main word to you, is the burden on your heart is real, and it is not all rainbows and happy. But there is joy to be found and I would do it all over again! March of 13 we start our training. we have been praying and studying and researching since 04, we have a boy 2005 and a boy 2007 and we are seeking a girl (or girls) born 2008 or later .... will you be my buddy? (:tongue_smilie:). is there a "group" for foster moms here? i know there are some groups, though i am not sure how they work, one for foster moms' would rock -- so all us "at the start" mom's can pester the experences moms :D Quote
anneofalamo Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 will you be my buddy? (:tongue_smilie:).:D lol in a heartbeat! if you do facebook, I am Anne Ofalamo there, or PM here or email at yahoo.com anneofalamo (cause my memory is just the first thing that went) lol Quote
KrissiK Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 We adopted all our children through the foster care system. The were all 2 1/2 years old or younger when we adopted and we have had no significant problems. Yes, you can get children with severe problems. Or you could get kids with some issues, but nothing horrifying. There's no guarantee. But, it's just like a pregnancy- you can give birth to a healthy child, or you can give birth to a child with horrible birth defects. Now, I realize the odds in foster care much are higher to having troubled children, but... It's the same idea. I would suggest you do your homework and find a foster agency that will give you a lot of support, training and help. Go in with it with your eyes wide open and don't romanticize things. Be willing to work hard, but love can do miracles, relationships can work miracles in these kids' lives. Quote
momma aimee Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 lol in a heartbeat! if you do facebook, I am Anne Ofalamo there, or PM here or email at yahoo.com anneofalamo (cause my memory is just the first thing that went) lol i can see your page but have no "add friend" option I am Aimee Packard there -- try me? Quote
MusicMouseTN Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 I think a 'foster mama' group is a great idea! Would love that. :) Quote
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.