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losing a friend


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or. . . I've created a monster.

 

I just want to share. I'm sad.

 

I've been up all night, just tired and bummed.

 

A woman I have long considered one of my dearest friends. . . I'm afraid we're going to come undone.

 

We've known each other for years, since elementary school--but our families caught up again after college, and we became very tight and had our children the same time.

 

We were Christian and they were not, but they came to know Jesus through us. We were missionaries and very devout and . . . they just came to love Jesus too, and would often come to us with Bible questions and other issues. They began going to an Evangelical Church of our same denomination and put their children in Christian schools and became very involved in ministry.

 

We moved a state away several years ago and I've missed them TERRIBLY.

 

These past two years, she's become . . . rabidly right wing. I've had to block her on FB because she's always sending Christian anti-Muslim email stuff, crazy stuff about Obama being a Muslim, photos of American bombers with Bible verses as captions about God's wrath. Anti-gay propaganda. She is everything that makes me cringe about the American religious right. :( It's just making me sick. I was never political; I believed in Biblical non-resistance!

 

I'm an atheist now, and I know if I talked to her about it, she would probably drop me as a friend, and she'd definitely not listen to anything I had to say about these other issues. I feel her Christianity is pushing us apart--and yet, I played a pretty big role in her conversation.

 

I'm just so sad. I could really use some friends.

Edited by Ipsey
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Honestly, I would hold off on any discussions or reading her FB page until AFTER the election.

 

This election is brining out the very worst in people.

 

I have hidden about 80 people's feeds until after November's election.

 

She may calm down a bit and you can resume a distant relationship.

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I don't think a friendship should end due to political differences. Don't read her posts, hide them, what ever, but IMO it is your issue to get so worked up over her FB posts. If you both get too heated whie discussing these things, there is nothing wrong with saying that it is better not to discuss such things because you have opposing views.

 

Similarly, she would be a horrible friend if she dumped you because your religious views have changed. My closest friends in state I met at bible study or church. I no longer know what I believe. My friends love me and pray for me. If they had dumped me because of my struggles with faith, it likely would have further sealed my deal with God.

Edited by Denisemomof4
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Honestly, I would hold off on any discussions or reading her FB page until AFTER the election.

 

This election is brining out the very worst in people.

 

I have hidden about 80 people's feeds until after November's election.

 

She may calm down a bit and you can resume a distant relationship.

 

Heh, yes, I've done similarly. I'm afraid if Obama wins this election, I'll have her FB blocked for the next 4 years though.

 

I've avoiding any religious or political conversation with her for a while now, so that won't be a problem. I just know it probably will never be the same.

 

Your advice is well taken, though. thanks

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I don't think a friendship should end due to political differences. Don't read her posts, hide them, what ever, but IMO it is your issue to get so worked up over her FB posts.

 

Similarly, she would be a horrible friend if she dumped you because your religious views have changed. My closest friends in state I met at bible study or church. I no longer know what I believe. My friends love me and pray for me. If they had dumped me because of my struggles with faith, it likely would have further sealed my deal with God.

 

I _have_ hidden them.

I'm just sad. We can't talk.

 

And, you're right. It is my issue.

 

And it makes me sad.

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:grouphug: I often hear we should all just get along and be friends with each other and sometimes our differences are just so much that it just doesn't work. I hold a lot of the same core beliefs as your friend although I am not considered an evangelical Christian. When you have so many things that you disagree on, it is very hard to find things to talk about that don't end up being a discussion of those hot topics.

 

I am sorry that your friendship is very strained right now.

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I _have_ hidden them.

I'm just sad. We can't talk.

 

And, you're right. It is my issue.

 

And it makes me sad.

 

I was editing my response when you posted this.

 

Have you asked her not to discuss such things because you have differing opinions? If so, she is being a very disrespectful friend. If she has no regard for your feelings in this, it is sad because it would be hard to keep things going.

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Honestly, I would hold off on any discussions or reading her FB page until AFTER the election.

 

This election is brining out the very worst in people.

 

I have hidden about 80 people's feeds until after November's election.

 

She may calm down a bit and you can resume a distant relationship.

 

OMG that. It has brought out the worst in armchair presidents and novice political analysts. What are people thinking???:confused:

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OMG that. It has brought out the worst in armchair presidents and novice political analysts. What are people thinking???:confused:

 

The Facebook fall out (at least on my friendslist) has confirmed that people are *selectively* listening and interacting with campaign material. No one that I have encountered or read is actually evaluating content except to "prooftext" material to support their established view.

 

I can predict people's response to debates, ads, etc. based solely and exclusively on their political orientation.

 

The process is divisive, and I don't see any good, positive, sustaining or transformative effects from it.

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These past two years, she's become . . . rabidly right wing. I've had to block her on FB because she's always sending Christian anti-Muslim email stuff, crazy stuff about Obama being a Muslim, photos of American bombers with Bible verses as captions about God's wrath. Anti-gay propaganda. She is everything that makes me cringe about the American religious right. :( It's just making me sick. I was never political; I believed in Biblical non-resistance!

 

I'm an atheist now, and I know if I talked to her about it, she would probably drop me as a friend, and she'd definitely not listen to anything I had to say about these other issues. I feel her Christianity is pushing us apart--and yet, I played a pretty big role in her conversation.

 

I'm just so sad. I could really use some friends.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry, but it just reads to me as if you both have just changed so much and grown so far apart... maybe it is just time the friendship ends.

 

You're worried she won't accept what you have to say, but it also seems like you don't want to hear/read what she has to say either. I don't think you are wrong to hide her on FB but it just sounds as if you two have no common ground anymore.

 

It always hurts to lose a friend, especially one you have been close to for a long time. My life, my opinions, have changed a lot over the years and that has sometimes meant the loss of friendships. But sometimes friendships are just not sustainable, as much as it hurts to let them go.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry.

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I would put a note on my calendar to contact her some time after the election, and not worry about it until then.

 

I think you guys have a lot in common. You both understand what it is to be Christian and what it is to not be Christian. You both understand what it's like to go through an internal change from one to the other. And you're lifelong friends (so far). You could have a good conversation about these things, but now doesn't seem to be the right time. ;)

 

I agree that election time brings out the crazy in people. One of the beautiful things about humans is that we CAN agree to disagree. And we can choose to ignore people we disagree with, or ignore the disagreements and still like them. But somehow it's harder to do that at election time.

 

I know where you're coming from - I'm generally conservative, and I find a lot of those political ads and unofficial emails to be cringeworthy at best. But, this too will pass. :)

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The Facebook fall out (at least on my friendslist) has confirmed that people are *selectively* listening and interacting with campaign material. No one that I have encountered or read is actually evaluating content except to "prooftext" material to support their established view.

 

I can predict people's response to debates, ads, etc. based solely and exclusively on their political orientation.

 

The process is divisive, and I don't see any good, positive, sustaining or transformative effects from it.

:iagree::iagree:

I would put a note on my calendar to contact her some time after the election, and not worry about it until then.

 

I think you guys have a lot in common. You both understand what it is to be Christian and what it is to not be Christian. You both understand what it's like to go through an internal change from one to the other. And you're lifelong friends (so far). You could have a good conversation about these things, but now doesn't seem to be the right time. ;)

 

I agree that election time brings out the crazy in people. One of the beautiful things about humans is that we CAN agree to disagree. And we can choose to ignore people we disagree with, or ignore the disagreements and still like them. But somehow it's harder to do that at election time.

 

I know where you're coming from - I'm generally conservative, and I find a lot of those political ads and unofficial emails to be cringeworthy at best. But, this too will pass. :)

:iagree: Seems like sage advice. I have days I don't want to leave the house or answer the phone (stupid pollsters) until the election is over.:tongue_smilie:

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The Facebook fall out (at least on my friendslist) has confirmed that people are *selectively* listening and interacting with campaign material. No one that I have encountered or read is actually evaluating content except to "prooftext" material to support their established view.

 

I can predict people's response to debates, ads, etc. based solely and exclusively on their political orientation.

 

The process is divisive, and I don't see any good, positive, sustaining or transformative effects from it.

 

:iagree: Everyone I know, except my mom and me, are voting their usual party line. Nobody seems to be evaluating the debates or really trying to discover the views of the candidates.

 

I'm a registered Independent, and sometimes I vote left, sometimes right, depending on issues and the candidates. It makes me sad how polarized our nation is becoming, and how angry and hateful people of both sides act towards those of another opinion.

 

As a very small example, my mom is a fairly recent widow. There is a man on her street who, on his daily walk, has been kindly placing her newspaper on her front porch (from her driveway). When he learned which way she is voting in this election, he immediately stopped doing that! How petty can you get?! :confused:

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:grouphug: I'm sorry, but it just reads to me as if you both have just changed so much and grown so far apart... maybe it is just time the friendship ends.

 

You're worried she won't accept what you have to say, but it also seems like you don't want to hear/read what she has to say either. I don't think you are wrong to hide her on FB but it just sounds as if you two have no common ground anymore.

 

It always hurts to lose a friend, especially one you have been close to for a long time. My life, my opinions, have changed a lot over the years and that has sometimes meant the loss of friendships. But sometimes friendships are just not sustainable, as much as it hurts to let them go.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry.

 

:iagree:

 

It sounds like these differences go way beyond simple "I'm a Democrat and you're a Republican." It sounds like this woman's core beliefs about life are diametrically opposed to yours, and I can't imagine how the friendship could survive that.

 

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

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What a role-reversal on both your parts!

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's difficult to lose a friend. As other posters have suggested, I would wait until after the election to discuss anything with her. Everything is so politically-charged right now that it's easy to hurt feelings even when you're mostly on the same page as someone else.

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I _have_ hidden them.

I'm just sad. We can't talk.

 

And, you're right. It is my issue.

 

And it makes me sad.

 

First, I'm sorry, it's so hard to feel you're losing a close friend! :grouphug:

 

I think the problem (maybe) is not the beliefs themselves but the need to vomit them in every direction. Projectile Politicizing!

 

But as to having nothing to talk about...generally politics and religion aren't my key topics to talk about with friends. So whether we agree or disagree on these topics is a moot point. I guess if she drags your conversations in that direction consistently that would become tiresome and I can see why you'd want to end that friendship. But if you're able to ignore the Facebook Drivel, couldn't you keep the friendship on a personal level? So what if she has a deep-seated fear of Muslims? That just isn't a great conversational topic between friends even if you happened to agree!

 

I would try to avoid the political and keep the friend, unless it's a lot more pervasive than Facebook. :grouphug:

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:grouphug: I often hear we should all just get along and be friends with each other and sometimes our differences are just so much that it just doesn't work. I hold a lot of the same core beliefs as your friend although I am not considered an evangelical Christian. When you have so many things that you disagree on, it is very hard to find things to talk about that don't end up being a discussion of those hot topics.

 

I am sorry that your friendship is very strained right now.

My best friend is my polar opposite. I am a Catholic, conservative, non-spanker, homeschooler, my husband is the head of our home; my friend is an agnostic, liberal, spanker who sends her children to school and definitely maintains a matriarch in her home.

We are tight as thieves and have a TON to talk about. The house is never absent of laughing, giggling, crying, and conversation when we're together.

OP - I agree with most of the others... wait until election season is over before making this decision.

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You're worried she won't accept what you have to say, but it also seems like you don't want to hear/read what she has to say either.

 

:iagree: Maybe I'm getting the wrong impression here, but it sounds not only like you don't agree with her, but that you don't respect her or her fundamental beliefs. If that's the case, I don't think you can expect to have a substantial friendship with her. You'll always be looking down your nose at her and she'll know it even if you don't say it.

 

As for the FB thing, I get the impression that she isn't sending *you* stuff in particular, but is posting things that she agrees with and believes. If that bothers you, your issue isn't her, it's you.

 

The question is this: what do you want from her?

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Guest inoubliable

My advice may seem harsh, but I assure you that this is coming from the same place that you are now. My advice? Move on. :grouphug: As others have said, this seems to be much deeper than armchair politics on FB or liberal vs conservative, religious vs atheist, Democrat vs Republican. Those are core beliefs anyway, but your friend seems to have....gone off the deep end a bit. Friendships between people who have differing views CAN work, yes. If those views, beliefs, traditions, etc COMPLEMENT each other. It doesn't seem to be the case here. I had to figure this out myself this year and lost a very dear friend over it. Mourn the loss of the friendship; grief is normal. Move on, though. Take delight in friendships that bring something to the table for you. Enjoy and take pleasure in people you admire, people who support you, kwim? :grouphug:

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:iagree: Maybe I'm getting the wrong impression here, but it sounds not only like you don't agree with her, but that you don't respect her or her fundamental beliefs. If that's the case, I don't think you can expect to have a substantial friendship with her. You'll always be looking down your nose at her and she'll know it even if you don't say it.

 

As for the FB thing, I get the impression that she isn't sending *you* stuff in particular, but is posting things that she agrees with and believes. If that bothers you, your issue isn't her, it's you.

 

The question is this: what do you want from her?

 

Ah, but I hear what she has to say--several times a day. She says racist, homophobic, cruel things in a myriad of emails and FB postings. She says that people like me -- Atheists-- are not real Americans, and that we'll bring the judgment of God upon our nation.

 

I've heard it, and keep hearing it. And I can't hear it anymore.

 

I suppose I might just be bad for not being willing to hear it anymore.

 

I can respect her right to have her religious beliefs. When I was a Christian, I never held the beliefs she's tying to her faith now. I don't think these things go together. But. . . yanno, everyone has something different to say about what true Christianity is. How is racism a "fundamental belief" of Christianity? And why should I respect it?

 

What I'd like is to be able to talk about our children and taking care of our families and educating our kids and what books we're reading, like we used to. But she wants to talk about faith and politics.

Edited by Ipsey
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My advice may seem harsh, but I assure you that this is coming from the same place that you are now. My advice? Move on. :grouphug: As others have said, this seems to be much deeper than armchair politics on FB or liberal vs conservative, religious vs atheist, Democrat vs Republican. Those are core beliefs anyway, but your friend seems to have....gone off the deep end a bit. Friendships between people who have differing views CAN work, yes. If those views, beliefs, traditions, etc COMPLEMENT each other. It doesn't seem to be the case here. I had to figure this out myself this year and lost a very dear friend over it. Mourn the loss of the friendship; grief is normal. Move on, though. Take delight in friendships that bring something to the table for you. Enjoy and take pleasure in people you admire, people who support you, kwim? :grouphug:

 

Thanks for the words. I'm grieving especially because I've had trouble finding a real close "bosom friend" here, and losing one does hurt.

 

Maybe it will come back someday.

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I had a friendship like that and kept it up for a year or so. But I had to step away as it just hurt me too much, our differing beliefs were just part of the equation but her judgmental words and actions were too much for me to maintain the friendship. I didn't want to talk about how awful some people were for not cooking everything from scratch or how so and so didn't try hard enough to stay home or hs. Her political beliefs kept going further and further right (which is saying something as I'm pretty conservative myself).

 

I don't feel I'm obligated to maintain a friendship with anyone. Certainly not when I feel that relationship is only pulling me further from God. I also think a good friendship should be based on some mutual respect and I couldn't maintain respect given some of her views and I felt the same from her likewise.

 

I do have other friends though that I certainly disagree about plenty and our friendships are fine. It works when both sides are respectful and understanding. It just doesn't always work out that way.

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Ah, but I hear what she has to say--several times a day. She says racist, homophobic, cruel things in a myriad of emails and FB postings. She says that people like me -- Atheists-- are not real Americans, and that we'll bring the judgment of God upon our nation.

 

I've heard it, and keep hearing it. And I can't hear it anymore.

 

I suppose I might just be bad for not being willing to hear it anymore.

 

I can respect her right to have her religious beliefs. When I was a Christian, I never held the beliefs she's tying to her faith now. I don't think these things go together. But. . . yanno, everyone has something different to say about what true Christianity is.

 

What I'd like is to be able to talk about our children and taking care of our families and educating our kids and what books we're reading, like we used to. But she wants to talk about faith and politics.

 

I could not be friends with someone like that.

 

But think to yourself would you know any of this without FB? I think in some ways FB has been the worse thing to ever happen. Though I have FB....

 

Does she say any of this to YOU? I have no doubt there are people whom are my polar opposite but they don't say anything to ME, only through FB posts on their page.

 

OK I just read the last line again. SO all she wants to talk about is faith/politics. Some people define themselves by those two things alone.

 

I'm sorry you are losing a friend. :grouphug:

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I've had to block her on FB because she's always sending Christian anti-Muslim email stuff, crazy stuff about Obama being a Muslim, photos of American bombers with Bible verses as captions about God's wrath. Anti-gay propaganda.

 

It's one thing to respect varying political views, and I could easily be friends with someone who simply held a political view different than my own.

 

But for myself, the above stuff is not something I could just "accept" in someone I considered a close friend. To me, the things you mentioned are evidence of a certain personality and worldview that I would not be confortable being close friends with anymore. Especially the bolded.

 

Sorry...I've had a friendship end that way too...

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IMO, just because someone attaches the word "Christian" to their beliefs or claims a Biblical basis for those beliefs that does not make those beliefs the teachings of Christ. The same is true of any other religion. If one looks deeply enough, the basis for the true teachings are there. It's important not to confuse the truth with what man chooses to claim. I don't believe what you are describing represents the religious right so much as an extremist group that has attempted to co-opt the Christian name for its own purposes. Sad, but not uncommon. Most folks find it easier to justify their bad behavior if they can attach it to some moral "high ground" or engage in group think.

 

Regardless, the views she is expressing are offensive. Even more offensive is the damage done by the behavior of folks who attach the label of Christianity to false doctrines. We are to believe in one God, we are to believe in salvation only through grace. That's about it. Anything else is a distraction.

 

From a Christian perspective I would say, if all these other people are bringing God's wrath upon the nation (as your friend claims) then it is the fault of the Christian who is failing to fulfill the Great Commission. If she were dedicating her time to making disciples with love and grace, praying without ceasing, and loving sacrificially perhaps there would be fewer of those "bad" people out there. ;)

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From a Christian perspective I would say, if all these other people are bringing God's wrath upon the nation (as your friend claims) then it is the fault of the Christian who is failing to fulfill the Great Commission. If she were dedicating her time to making disciples with love and grace, praying without ceasing, and loving sacrificially perhaps there would be fewer of those "bad" people out there. ;)

 

:iagree: I know with my old friend her only action was isolating herself from all the bad people and talk about how evil they were. It seems that is all too often the case these days though.

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