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When Sibs Opt Out


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the thread on getting elders needed care prompted me to post this.

 

Wolf's an only, so he's pretty stuck being responsible for MIL, at least as best we can from the distance we're at.

 

I, however, have 3 brothers.

 

Eldest hasn't talked w/parents in about 10 yrs.

 

Younger is the favourite, and doted upon.

 

Youngest quit talking to them for a yr, but last I'd heard, was getting back in.

 

So, my question is, for any of you who are dealing w/family estrangements, how do you feel towards your sibs when they maintain their distance during elder care issues/health crisises?

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Not really an answer to your question, but I figure it's all going to fall on me. DH is also an only so the IL are ours. I'm closer to my folks both geographically and socially. And though I'm not well off by any stretch of the imagination (to those living in the Sates or Canada anyway), I'm better off than my brother. So even though I know my bro will help where he can, most of it will fall to me.

 

I don't feel bad toward him now. I don't know how I'll feel when it actually happens. My folks are in really good shape so unless there is an accident, I have a long while to figure it out. And maybe bro will get better on his feet.

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Yeah, my parents are 59 this yr, so still young, except my Dad is disabled.

 

None of my sibs talk to each other, so I do wonder if Dad's increasing needs will end up in someone contacting me.

 

I'm across country, have more kids than all my brothers put together, and have made the decision to have nothing more to do w/my parents.

 

I feel bad for my one brother, who I suspect will end up bearing the full responsibility for them, but at the same time, cannot allow their toxicity to infect my life anymore.

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Honestly, anger. Deep, deep rooted anger that never seems to go away. This is from a family who all "get along". No one doesn't talk to anyone else. But, they only did what little they wanted to when ils were ill and dying. Everything else dh and I had to cover. Our kids have a large event in their lives that they need us there for. Sorry, I have a football game I want to attend that weekend... Yep, not going to get past those months. :glare:

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Well, I'm the one who's opted out. My dad said something sexually inappropriate to me and I was the scapegoat for my NM. My sister is the golden child, she can deal with them and suck it up. They are not my problem anymore. Frankly, I don't care how she feels about it. She's had whatever good my mom had to give since she was born, and my dad favors her too.

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My sister and I did the bulk of caring for our parents. Our brother lived two hours away; we lived in the same town, (or within 17 miles of Dad). He did what he could. He took off a few times to take all day appointments w/ dad. However, none of us were estranged from them or each other. In your situation, there is no way I would help them, and I wouldn't worry about what your estranged siblings think, either.

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We have my mentally ill/SSI/Disabled SIL whom may be our responsibility if FIL passes (he is 76). But she has a Special Needs Trust set up for her and both FIL and hubby are co-executors. Our issue besides that is she lives near FIL out of state and if something happens... do we move closer to her or she moves in with us?

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It's not relevant to me. I'm going to do whatever I feel is the right thing to do. I can't make anyone else do anything, so it's futile to add that to my list.

 

If I love person X or feel I have a duty to them in some way, then I do what I feel is the loving and/or dutiful thing to do.

 

If anyone else cares to share that with me, then I might or might not be open to that depending on how much we agree.

 

I have three older siblings, but don't talk to two of them and don't talk much to the other.

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It's not relevant to me. I'm going to do whatever I feel is the right thing to do. I can't make anyone else do anything, so it's futile to add that to my list.

 

If I love person X or feel I have a duty to them in some way, then I do what I feel is the loving and/or dutiful thing to do.

 

If anyone else cares to share that with me, then I might or might not be open to that depending on how much we agree.

 

I have three older siblings, but don't talk to two of them and don't talk much to the other.

 

 

:iagree:This is my take (and was my take when my father needed care).

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I've been thinking about this lately. I am currently, and will probably remain, about 5,000 miles away from my parents, while my brother, SIL, and their kids are in the same neighborhood as them. Care is probably going to fall on their shoulders, not mine, and I worry about that and how it will affect our relationships. On the other hand, DH is an only and we will probably be responsible for his parents when the time comes (and they are here). So I guess it will work out, but still I wonder and worry. I hope they don't resent me.

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I haven't spoken to my father in more than 15 years. My two sisters have cut him out more recently. We do have a (much) younger brother who maintains a relationship with him.

 

As far as I'm concerned, db's role is as an only child. It may not be his fault that our father is an awful person, but it's no more or less the fault of only children that they have no one else to help.

 

I didn't choose to be that man's dd, I didn't choose for him to decline to care for me. I accept no responsibility for his needs and hope db knows where that blame lies.

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I was responsible for both of my parents when they were sick/dying, and for taking care of things after. None of it had to do with estrangement. I was just the most competent of my siblings, and I always knew it was going to be that way. There were moments of resentment on my part but overall I'm glad I was able to help my mom with my dad, and then take care of my mom.

 

But we didn't have any big relationship difficulties. Our family was pretty functional as they go. I don't know what I would have done if it had been otherwise. I do feel kids have a duty to their parents, but I haven't dealt with major dysfunctions.

Edited by marbel
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Being cared for by our kids is a bonus and not a responsibility. I will care for my mom or my fil. I will not waste 5 minutes of thought on my mil or her care. I don't expect my kids to care for me. I hope that they will want to help me but I don't feel that they are responsible to do so. I will care for my mom if I can because I love her and for no other reason. same with fil.

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We live next door to in-laws. They are very healthy and active right now! Praise God!

 

I've already received "advice" about how I should take care of things when my in-laws start to need help. One of Hubby's sisters wasn't happy when I told her that I was going to hire a service to come in and clean and do laundry for them and I was more than willing to let meals-on-wheels come out and bring them lunch 3 days a week. I felt it would be $$ well spent by giving me time to focus on my children and the farm business without having to be over next door every waking minute. Oh was she mad! Apparently, I just want to spend all of Mom and Dad's money.

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I'm sorry, Lolly :grouphug:

 

Was distance a factor at all?

 

Some. We do live in town. With fil, at that point, we lived in the house with him. However, sil works for my dh. She is only 2 hours away. She has a dog. There is nothing other than tennis dates and hair appointments and football games in her plans to keep her from being here. His brothers are a bit further. I am more understanding of them not being able to come help. However, I literally had to call and tell one of them that if he didn't come NOW he would probably never see his mother alive again. She had been in the hospital dying for over a month at that point. He had not come. at. all. Fil was ill for 3 mths where he had to be watched constantly (brain tumor). I had ONE weekend I needed to be free for my kids that I asked for help. I did not get it.

 

You like to think that you will just do it. You will do it because you know you are closer in distance than everyone. You are available (school just is put on the back burner). And, at least in the case of mil, you truly care for her. But, when it drags on for months and months, and then a couple of more months you need help. You need at least something from the others. Just an ounce of consideration when you request to have a specific time off. When a football game, a birthday party for a friend, and a just "sorry, can't" are given....it really isn't okay.

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Thanks for all the responses.

 

I know w/my mother, she flat out told me at one point that since I was the only dd, it was on me to take care of her, and that she didn't want to live in my current province, so I'd best move before then.

 

I told her that her care was on my brothers, that I wasn't even going to vote on what nursing home she was in.

 

I also was told that I have older kids, so I'd be better suited. Yeah, that worked until Boo was born...far as I know, he's the youngest now :lol:

 

So, I do wonder what will happen when the time comes.

 

I *do* have both a moral and legal argument to escape any responsibility...I left home at 15 due to abuse, and she signed me over to be a Crown Ward (gave up all parenting rights/responsibilities) b/c, and I quote, "I didn't want to have to pay child support for you."

 

So, pretty sure that act frees me from any filial responsibility laws.

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Thanks for all the responses.

 

I know w/my mother, she flat out told me at one point that since I was the only dd, it was on me to take care of her, and that she didn't want to live in my current province, so I'd best move before then.

 

I told her that her care was on my brothers, that I wasn't even going to vote on what nursing home she was in.

 

I also was told that I have older kids, so I'd be better suited. Yeah, that worked until Boo was born...far as I know, he's the youngest now :lol:

 

So, I do wonder what will happen when the time comes.

 

I *do* have both a moral and legal argument to escape any responsibility...I left home at 15 due to abuse, and she signed me over to be a Crown Ward (gave up all parenting rights/responsibilities) b/c, and I quote, "I didn't want to have to pay child support for you."

 

So, pretty sure that act frees me from any filial responsibility laws.

She gave up any rights to have you act like a loving daughter when she did this. I understand she has issues (volumes) but sorry, if you disown your child, you don't rate a moment of their time.

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I'm not sure how this will play-out with my parents. I was the closest with them (physically & relationship) prior to my NPD sister moving in with them almost 2 years ago. Now they've begun to cut me out - although I'm pretty sure its temporary & they're playing a game of "who's going to cave first". I'm refusing to play. But I honestly don't know how long it may go on. 2 years ago I never would have believed they'd take it this far so who knows?

 

My MIL has a DH who isn't old enough to be my DH's father, so I don't think we'll need to step in there. Even if something happened to her DH, I think she'd rather be taken care of by her own (single, childless) daughter, not me or my DH.

 

Time will tell. I'll do my best.

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IMHO, my parents have basically opted out of my life. It's not that there are any "spoken" hard feelings, it's more like there is little to no effort on their part. At one point, I made alot of effort. Called on all holidays, sent gifts, sent pictures (we are across country). There's definately some underlying feelings on my part, from childhood and adult interactions with them. It's not horrible, abuse situations as others may have, it's more like, unloved, narcisstic, just general non-caring from them throughout my life.

 

I'm not cold hearted. I wouldn't leave them in a ditch, homeless. I would do what I could from afar to help them get help and resources. I am not financially able to assist at this point in my life.

 

I do have a brother, the youngest sibling of three, who continues, as a 28 year old married father of one, to reap the benefits of being the "baby", of living within 30 minutes, of being a mooch. I on the other hand, have basically been financially responsible for myself since the day I graduated from high school (not by my own choice, but by their general lack of any attention or assistance to me so I had to quickly learn the ropes of life to scramble to survive). I do feel as if you are going to continue to suckle your parents throughout your adult life, you do have some responsibility to then switch roles when the time comes and offer that care to your elderly parents. If the parents then find that, huh, that "favorite" turns out to be quite an a$#, isn't it a shame that you put all your eggs in the a$#'s basket.

 

If my parents came to me and specifically ask to live with me, I wouldn't turn them away, for a temporary stay. But I would work on getting them set up on their own as well, in whatever situation suited their needs and care at the time.

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I think it all boils down to the relationship you have with your parent(s). If it is a close healthy relationship then whatever the siblings do is irrelevant. Another factor will be how much strain will it put on your family, which I believe comes first.

It also all comes down to they will reap what they sow...the parents that is. If they favor one over another sibling and that sibling opts out of caring for them then it to a nursing home they go. Harsh, yes,but it is either that or help and feel more resentment toward them and your siblings.

 

The Bible tells us to respect our parents, it does not tell us we need to be a doormat to them or your siblings.

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IMHO, my parents have basically opted out of my life. It's not that there are any "spoken" hard feelings, it's more like there is little to no effort on their part. At one point, I made alot of effort. Called on all holidays, sent gifts, sent pictures (we are across country). There's definately some underlying feelings on my part, from childhood and adult interactions with them. It's not horrible, abuse situations as others may have, it's more like, unloved, narcisstic, just general non-caring from them throughout my life.

 

I'm not cold hearted. I wouldn't leave them in a ditch, homeless. I would do what I could from afar to help them get help and resources. I am not financially able to assist at this point in my life.

 

I do have a brother, the youngest sibling of three, who continues, as a 28 year old married father of one, to reap the benefits of being the "baby", of living within 30 minutes, of being a mooch. I on the other hand, have basically been financially responsible for myself since the day I graduated from high school (not by my own choice, but by their general lack of any attention or assistance to me so I had to quickly learn the ropes of life to scramble to survive). I do feel as if you are going to continue to suckle your parents throughout your adult life, you do have some responsibility to then switch roles when the time comes and offer that care to your elderly parents. If the parents then find that, huh, that "favorite" turns out to be quite an a$#, isn't it a shame that you put all your eggs in the a$#'s basket.

 

If my parents came to me and specifically ask to live with me, I wouldn't turn them away, for a temporary stay. But I would work on getting them set up on their own as well, in whatever situation suited their needs and care at the time.

Your last line...I absolutely *would*. I've heard too many horror stories of folks who came for a 'temp stay' and then refused to leave. :001_huh: Also, the way it is here, if someone in need of care has family that they're living w/, they are at the bottom of every list, and keep getting bumped down for folks that don't have family to live w/. As long as they're living w/someone, they're deemed 'safe' and there's little assistance avail. The Alzheimer's Society advised me of this, telling me to NEVER allow someone to move in.

 

Honestly, I'm hoping that they won't be able to track me down, so it'll be a non-issue.

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Well Imp, I'm right in the thick of it right now regarding siblings and caring for parents. So I'll share what's going on with me; I'm warning you though, it's gonna get long. :D

 

I'm gonna assume you've seen a thread or two about my dad, who had a massive heart attack, several grave complications, and has been in the cardiac ICU for two months. That's the setting, ok? :tongue_smilie:

 

Well, I have three sisters. One older, two younger. We'll call them 'older sister', 'younger sister', and 'baby sister'.

 

Older sister, baby sister, and I all live about an hour away from the hospital dad's at. Younger sister lives 3 1/2 hours away.

 

Ok.

 

Baby sister, who is 23, single, and works full time, is doing what she can. She is not so good with the medical stuff; it kinda scares her, plus she has no life experience with medical stuff, so she doesn't know the questions to ask, nor does she have very much basic knowledge of medicine. But, she does go visit dad about twice a week. She also has taken on the role of helping mom with household stuff. She and her boyfriend have been invaluable with helping in that regard. So she's doing a fine job; pitching in where she can, using her talents well. She has said some rather stupid, know-it-all stuff to me, mom, and older sister; but we're trying to have grace with that, since we were all 23 once and knew everything, too. :tongue_smilie:

 

Older sister and I both are married with kids. Older sister works full time as a computer programmer, I am a stay at home mom and homeschool. Older sister and I are very involved in dad's care, as well as being there emotionally for mom. Older sister works from dad's hospital room every Tuesday and Thursday (her employer is allowing her to work out of office those two days a week), and she and her husband spend Saturday with dad as well. She has one child who is in public highschool, so she is less intensly in the 'mothering' stage, if you will, and is able to do that. I go be with dad Wednesday afternoon/evening, as well as all day Sunday. Between my sister, I, and my mom (who works at the hospital and only lives maybe 10 minutes away), I think we are doing a good job of being there for dad, being his advocate, interacting with doctors and nurses, etc.

 

However. That leaves younger sister. Hooo Boy. So HERE'S the story on that.

 

The day after dad had his heart attack, she is calling older sister at the hospital, begging for $250 so that her and her husband can rent a car and drive her, her husband, and her four year old down the 3 1/2 hours to see dad. We have an uncle in town with two spare bedrooms who offered their use to whoever in the family needed them, and she was going to stay there.

 

Well, younger sister has mooched money off of older sister a LOT in the past. Always a 'loan', but it's never been repaid. Also, dad has NEVER met younger sister's son, and only once met her husband. It was not necessary or even advisable for her to bring her husband and her young son. It was a dire situation; we weren't sure dad was going to make even 48 hours at that point. So, older sister says 'No, we can't do that. Plus, you just need to come alone. I'm going to go on-line, find you a bus ticket, and get it booked for you, ok? I'll pay for that.' I also told younger sister I'd pay for the bus ticket back home when she was ready to leave.

 

That wasn't good enough. Nope. It wasn't a matter of she HAD to bring her son; she has her husband's family up where she lives that watches him all the time; she had plenty of options for childcare. Nope, it was that she just wanted her husband and son to come with her. So no, my older sister paying $50 for a bus ticket to get her there the very next day wasn't good enough. And me paying $50 for the bus ticket to go home whenever she was ready wasn't, either. We needed to "loan" her $250 to rent a car and bring all of them.

 

Well, we all (mom, older sister, me, even uncle) told her no, we wouldn't "loan" her $250, that she should gratefully take the bus ticket and get her butt down there asap.

 

Hooo boy. Well that was it. We all hated her, we hated her husband, we were so mean, how could we keep her from her dad like that, on and on. No joke. She sent mom nasty messages on facebook, sent me nasty messages/texts/emails. Told me never to contact her or her family again. Yep. All because we were so mean we would ONLY pay for a bus ticket, not do exactly what she wanted.

 

Yeah. It's been two months dad's been in the ICU now. She STILL hasn't visited him.

 

Think younger sister might be a tad narcissistic? :tongue_smilie:

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It's not relevant to me. I'm going to do whatever I feel is the right thing to do. I can't make anyone else do anything, so it's futile to add that to my list.

 

This.

 

My brother and I are currently not in contact. He's only somewhat in contact with my mother. He's had a lot of problems with the law. I hope that changes one day and we can be close again. And there is almost certainly a lot of time before we face this situation - my mother is in good health and young, my father has some issues, but his wife is wonderful and takes amazing care of him. When either of them need me, I'm there. How much my brother do is on him. How much I do is on me. End of story.

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:grouphug: this hits close to home for me. i'm in a different country, on the other side of the continent. my dm lives with my db, so that she can help with his boys and his living expenses. so it all pretty much falls to him. which isn't necessarily a good thing for him or for my dm. when she fell, shattered a shoulder and broke the other arm, i had a ticket already booked for 10 days later. we all decided i should just use that and save the money for changing the ticket. that was a mistake. next time, i go the next day, whatever it costs. but in means managing money, kids, and db's drinking and the lack of control that comes with that.

 

so do i feel guilty? yes. would i change where i live if i could? no.

 

fwiw,

ann

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