Texting addiction and limits in teen. I need suggestions.

[Perry]

My dd18 is addicted to texting. It's always been a problem, and we've tried numerous things to get her to be more responsible with it. It's not working.

 

I don't really want to go into detail, but it does meet all the addiction criteria, and it absolutely is affecting her life and ours. This weekend I discovered that she has been texting while driving, and that is the deal breaker for me.

 

So I need to put limits on her phone. I can't completely take the phone away, as she is the captain of her dance team and is responsible for communicating with the coach and rest of the team.

 

She has an iphone, so we will have to switch her to a basic phone- otherwise she just uses a texting app if we restrict the texts on our plan. I can put time restrictions and limit who she talks to. She has a boyfriend who lives an hour away, and I want her to be able to have some, but not unlimited, communication with him.

 

I need help figuring out what is reasonable. My goal is to help her understand that she has a problem (she doesn't see a problem at all) and to get her used to not texting 24/7. I am not seeking to punish her. Our relationship is normally very good, but whenever we get involved in texting issues, it deteriorates. I am not looking forward to this.

 

If you have a teen who texts (especially a girl with a serious boyfriend), I'd like to hear your thoughts on what you think are acceptable limits.

 

Currently, she has lost use of the car except to and from school.

I was thinking allowing texts for an hour or so in the a.m. before school, and an hour or 2 in the late evening. She can have unlimited access to her dance team and family- she doesn't text excessively to any of those people. I was planning to let her have unlimited talk minutes, as 99% of the time they text. I don't think they'd abuse the phone calls.

 

She has ADD and I believe this is part of it, unless she has OCD too. Her use is really obsessive.

 

I am so sick of this battle. I really had given up, feeling that it wasn't worth the fight, but the driving issue is a hill for me to die on.

 

I would love to hear your opinions, and would value any suggestions you have on how to teach this adult child responsibility. Please be gentle. I already feel like a failure.

[Bang!Zoom!]

I was just having a conversation with a mom yesterday about how when parents speak to their kids it is just this monotone sound that the children receive and process...but...if an outsider or professional speaks to them, says exactly the same thing, they can hear it.

 

Would your medical staff be willing to address it with her on a one on one appointment, or would you be willing to set one up with a psychologist just for a one time visit?

 

It is truly amazing what that can accomplish.

[Susan C.]

.

Edited October 16, 2012 by Susan C.

[Unicorn.]

My 14 yo dd ( ad/hd) is obsessed w/ texting too. The texting and driving is my biggest concern. I think there is something you can attach to the car, that will block cell phone usage. It kind of stinks if you're a passenger, but it might be something to look into. I think your plan to limit minutes, but allow more talk time is a good one. Maybe even a pay as you go, that she has to buy minutes for would help too? Ds was a bit obsessive, but when he had to start paying for his own minutes, usage dropped significantly. He now has unlimited, but doesn't use it like he did.

[Joanne]

Given that you've identified this at the level of addiction, and previous attempts at limits have not alleviated the problem, I think you need to impose a total abstinence requirement.

 

She's 18: she can either go old school with a voice only phone OR she can make plans for her own place, etc. I would also be specific about her going behind your back and getting a phone, and the consequences.

 

You won't be able to convince her; process addictions become as entrenched as chemical addicitons (and many develop a chemical component, complete with the changed brain.)

 

I've got 3 texting teens. I text. I am not against the technology. But addiction doesn't get treated with "allowing" some - you end up where you are.

 

This is going to be challenge to your relationship in the short term. She'll get very angry. But I assume you have paid for the vehicle, the insurance and the life she lives while texting.

[AK_Mom4]

Speaking as the mother of a "top-25 text user" for our cell carrier 6 months running..... yep, over 10,000 text messages in a month!

 

For us, texting while driving is like not using the seatbelt - if our teens want to use our cars, they have to follow the safety rules. If they don't, then they can't use the car. Done. That's how we approached it and, yes DD18 had to actually lose the use of the car before it sunk into her brain.

 

With an 18yo, I'm not a big fan of beating my head against a brick wall. Since DD was meeting her committments, generally being a decent human being, and getting her school work finished, I didn't see any point in trying to put artificial rules in place to control her phone usage. Too much work for me and it seemed pointless. DD18 figured out how to balance it all eventually.

[MommaOfalotta]

Well if it really is an addiction I would find a way to totally take the phone away. Or use a prepaid phone, or type of phone that is strictly for calls only.

 

However, Im not sure what you are considering an addiction. Like how many texts per month? I went years without texting but now that we have it back, the number of texts I send in a month is in the thousands.

 

Its really the norm these days. I barely talk on my phone, and texting doesnt interfere with my daily life by any means. Most people (especially teens) just prefer texting to talking.

 

But you know your child so if you say its an addiction then that is how I would treat it. The texting while driving would not be tolerated at all. That (to me) would be grounds for losing your phone completely. Better that than losing a life.

Edited October 15, 2012 by BlessedMomma

[TranquilMind]

Given that you've identified this at the level of addiction, and previous attempts at limits have not alleviated the problem, I think you need to impose a total abstinence requirement.

 

She's 18: she can either go old school with a voice only phone OR she can make plans for her own place, etc. I would also be specific about her going behind your back and getting a phone, and the consequences.

 

You won't be able to convince her; process addictions become as entrenched as chemical addicitons (and many develop a chemical component, complete with the changed brain.)

 

I've got 3 texting teens. I text. I am not against the technology. But addiction doesn't get treated with "allowing" some - you end up where you are.

 

This is going to be challenge to your relationship in the short term. She'll get very angry. But I assume you have paid for the vehicle, the insurance and the life she lives while texting.

 

Well, yet again, I agree with Joanne. ;)

 

She is 18 and an adult. I realize that you are worried (and I would be too), but I wouldn't pay for anything for her if she cannot be trusted to use it appropriately. She can buy her own phone and get her own place and I'd just pray a lot!

 

Agree with Joanne. While I am not a fan of the "addiction" mentality, I do understand that there are habits in almost everyone that are problematic and those people have great difficulty being moderate in that area. I don't drink ANY alcohol or eat ANY sugar now. When I did, I just didn't want to stop. Others have problems with exercise or movies or porn or smoking, etc. I'm much better at eliminating than moderating a few things. I'm sure many others are the same, though in different areas.

[Haiku]

So I need to put limits on her phone. I can't completely take the phone away, as she is the captain of her dance team and is responsible for communicating with the coach and rest of the team.

 

Sure, you can completely take the phone away. She's captain of the dance team? Well, sorry she didn't behave responsibly enough to be in that position. Just about the best object lesson there could be.

 

But my questions would be these:

 

1) Who pays for the phone?

 

and

 

2) Who pays for the car/insurance?

 

If it's her phone that she bought and pays for, don't take it away. She's 18. Don't micromanage.

 

If it's her car that she bought and pays for, don't take it away. She's 18. At that age you can't punish her into doing what you want or control her choices.

 

If you own the phone, then certainly, either downgrade it or take it away. I would not hesitate to say, "Oh, sorry that your irresponsible behavior resulted in the loss of your ability to perform the necessary functions of dance team captain. Better luck next time."

 

If you own the car, ban her from driving. I have told my dd18 to feel free to let her stupid flag fly but not with my stuff and not with the expectation that I will bail her out of trouble.

 

If you have a teen who texts (especially a girl with a serious boyfriend), I'd like to hear your thoughts on what you think are acceptable limits.

 

I don't think parents of an 18 year old should be limiting anything the child bought and paid for unless it impacts other people. But if you own the car and phone, risk my car = you lose access. Abuse my phone = I quit paying.

 

I was thinking allowing texts for an hour or so in the a.m. before school, and an hour or 2 in the late evening. She can have unlimited access to her dance team and family- she doesn't text excessively to any of those people. I was planning to let her have unlimited talk minutes, as 99% of the time they text. I don't think they'd abuse the phone calls.

 

I think this is too complex, too micro-managing, and too easy for her to wiggle around. If she has a phone that texts, she will text.

 

Absurd amounts of texting has been a problem with my dd, too. When she paid for the phone via her allowance (our money), we took the phone away when she abused it. When she started to pay for her phone with money she earned outside the house, I stopped taking it away. But I have made it clear that I will not engage with her if she is texting inappropriately in my presence. I once turned the car around and drove home instead of where she wanted me to drive her because I was trying to talk to her and she was hellbent on texting. I'm not a chauffeur. You want me to drive you? You converse pleasantly with me.

 

Luckily I don't have the driving thing to worry about, as she failed her temps test.

 

Tara

Edited October 15, 2012 by TaraTheLiberator
typo

[TranquilMind]

one*mom;: I was just having a conversation with a mom yesterday about how when parents speak to their kids it is just this monotone sound that the children receive and process...but...if an outsider or professional speaks to them, says exactly the same thing, they can hear it.

 

 

This is one of the great annoying truths of parenting. There's not a darn thing I don't know now, by my mid fifties, as far as advice teens need. But they don't hear me. If someone else says it, they say that so-and-so told them this great, really wise thing (that I have said a thousand times).

 

 

Arrrrgh

 

Would your medical staff be willing to address it with her on a one on one appointment, or would you be willing to set one up with a psychologist just for a one time visit?

 

 

 

I'd find someone. Not sure if I'd go to all the trouble of the massive amount of paperwork to see a psychologist just for this common sense piece of advice, but I'd quietly talk to everyone she knows and beg them to tell her to knock it off before something bad happens.

[AmyontheFarm]

My dc text instead of talking, it is cheaper. And we all text occasionally in the car, but at "safe" times, at a stop, one letter at a time on a straightaway, etc. So I would see if she exercises good judgment when texting, or if it is out of control. I guess you could cap her texts rather than pay for unlimited, but if she has money, then she might just want to pay for more texts.

 

Disregard if you can't handle a soapbox moment,

 

:rant: I'm sorry but texting while a car is moving is never a good idea. I don't care how careful you are. My husband has had to scrape the brains of too many "careful people who text while driving", off the road.

 

Please don't ever text while driving. When you do get into an accident, you don't just affect the person you hit, but you affect every single responder who had to now attend your accident all because you couldn't pull over to have a texting conversation.

 

 

Please take the time to show your teens this video. It is graphic, but texting and driving and being in an accident is graphic. If they can't handle watching this, then tell them to put the phone in the trunk of the car. Everyone will be safer that way.

 

Getting off my soap box now.

[Cera]

I would have a very serious discussion with her on the repercussions of texting. I would cover everything from best case scenario (you get stopped and get a ticket plus points that make your insurance go up) to worst case scenario (you cause an accident that harms someone, they sue you and you spend the rest of your life paying off the judgment). I would also explain to her that if it is your phone or your car you are on the hook as well and could lose your house/savings/etc if she gets in an accident and is sued.

 

Then I would take away the phone and car if I was paying for them. She would need to pay for her own phone so that she could fulfill her commitments to dance team and then would need to earn the right to use my car again.

[marbel]

Disregard if you can't handle a soapbox moment,

 

:rant: I'm sorry but texting while a car is moving is never a good idea. I don't care how careful you are. My husband has had to scrape the brains of too many "careful people who text while driving", off the road.

....

 

Thank you.

[Annie G]

I'm pretty harsh when it comes to texting while driving. Doing that means losing the right to have both driving and phone privileges at the same time. If it's inconvenient for you to drive her to and from school, then she can drive but the phone stays home. If you take away her driving rights, then she gets her phone. She can't have both.

 

One small distraction can change a life forever. Any text that is worth that risk is important enough to pull over for.

Edited October 15, 2012 by Annie G

[Mergath]

I would just quit paying for the phone. If she has to get a part-time job and work to pay for it, she'll have a lot less time to text. ;)

[sassenach]

Basic phone with texting turned off. I don't see what other choice you have. If you limit texting to certain time periods, you will be forced to police her to enforce the those limits. Texting and driving is just an absolute deal breaker. A phone is a privilege, not a right. I would call it a huge act of grace to allow her to keep the phone at all.

[Tammi K]

My dc text instead of talking, it is cheaper. And we all text occasionally in the car, but at "safe" times, at a stop, one letter at a time on a straightaway, etc.

I want to say this gently because I really don't mean to offend you so please try to read it that way....

 

There is no text so important that needs to be sent that is worth the life of the person you might hit. There is no 'safe' place or time when you are driving.

I know too many people who took their eyes off the road 'for just a second' and suffered the consequences. Please don't take the chance. It's not just your life that is at stake.

[Halcyon]

My dc text instead of talking, it is cheaper. And we all text occasionally in the car, but at "safe" times, at a stop, one letter at a time on a straightaway, etc. So I would see if she exercises good judgment when texting, or if it is out of control. I guess you could cap her texts rather than pay for unlimited, but if she has money, then she might just want to pay for more texts.

 

I don't like all of this technology either, I think it contributes to short attention spans. All information comes in small bits instead of whole thoughts. I do try to encourage dc to send emails and to pick up the phone and talk, rather than send text after text.

 

Strongly disagree with the above. "one letter at a time on a straightaway"??? What?

 

 

FWIW, I would take away the phone assuming you have a home phone. My guess is there won't be a dance team emergency, but if there is, they could contact you, and you could then contact her. She can "text" her boyfriend on her computer at HOME. THere are texting apps that work for hte computer. That way, she is safe.

Edited October 15, 2012 by Halcyon

[Halcyon]

I want to say this gently because I really don't mean to offend you so please try to read it that way....

 

There is no text so important that needs to be sent that is worth the life of the person you might hit. There is no 'safe' place or time when you are driving.

I know too many people who took their eyes off the road 'for just a second' and suffered the consequences. Please don't take the chance. It's not just your life that is at stake.

 

:iagree:

[Country Mouse]

Disregard if you can't handle a soapbox moment,

 

:rant: I'm sorry but texting while a car is moving is never a good idea. I don't care how careful you are. My husband has had to scrape the brains of too many "careful people who text while driving", off the road.

 

Please don't ever text while driving. When you do get into an accident, you don't just affect the person you hit, but you affect every single responder who had to now attend your accident all because you couldn't pull over to have a texting conversation.

 

:iagree:

 

OP, I think the phone needs to be taken away, as others have suggested.

[LibraryLover]

i was confused.

Edited October 16, 2012 by LibraryLover

[Catwoman]

I want to say this gently because I really don't mean to offend you so please try to read it that way....

 

There is no text so important that needs to be sent that is worth the life of the person you might hit. There is no 'safe' place or time when you are driving.

I know too many people who took their eyes off the road 'for just a second' and suffered the consequences. Please don't take the chance. It's not just your life that is at stake.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Strongly disagree with the above. "one letter at a time on a straightaway"??? What?

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

There is NO safe time to text while you're driving. Just because the road is straight doesn't mean someone can't pull out in front of you -- or worse, step off the curb in front of you -- or that a deer can't run across the road, or that any number of unexpected things might happen.

 

And FWIW, we absolutely do NOT "all text occasionally in the car." We really don't. You're rationalizing a dangerous behavior by saying that everyone else does it. I have always wanted to say this and have never had a chance, so here goes: If everyone else was jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you do it, too? Or would you be sensible enough to say no?

[LibraryLover]

She is 14. I don't think there are any states where driving a car is legal at 14?

 

??

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

There is NO safe time to text while you're driving. Just because the road is straight doesn't mean someone can't pull out in front of you -- or worse, step off the curb in front of you -- or that a deer can't run across the road, or that any number of unexpected things might happen.

 

And FWIW, we absolutely do NOT "all text occasionally in the car." We really don't. You're rationalizing a dangerous behavior by saying that everyone else does it. I have always wanted to say this and have never had a chance, so here goes: If everyone else was jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you do it, too? Or would you be sensible enough to say no?

[T'smom]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

 

 

There is NO safe time to text while you're driving. Just because the road is straight doesn't mean someone can't pull out in front of you -- or worse, step off the curb in front of you -- or that a deer can't run across the road, or that any number of unexpected things might happen.

 

And FWIW, we absolutely do NOT "all text occasionally in the car." We really don't. You're rationalizing a dangerous behavior by saying that everyone else does it. I have always wanted to say this and have never had a chance, so here goes: If everyone else was jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you do it, too? Or would you be sensible enough to say no?

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

If texting is not already against the law, it probably will be soon. I know it is against the law where I live. Plenty of people obey the law and do not text while driving. There is no such thing as doing it safely. Please consider what you are risking with this behavior.

 

To the OP- if my child texted while driving, they would lose the both car and phone. I would treat it the same as drinking and driving.

[ErinE]

Strongly disagree with the above. "one letter at a time on a straightaway"??? What?

 

 

FWIW, I would take away the phone assuming you have a home phone. My guess is there won't be a dance team emergency, but if there is, they could contact you, and you could then contact her. She can "text" her boyfriend on her computer at HOME. THere are texting apps that work for hte computer. That way, she is safe.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

There is NO safe time to text while you're driving. Just because the road is straight doesn't mean someone can't pull out in front of you -- or worse, step off the curb in front of you -- or that a deer can't run across the road, or that any number of unexpected things might happen.

 

And FWIW, we absolutely do NOT "all text occasionally in the car." We really don't. You're rationalizing a dangerous behavior by saying that everyone else does it. I have always wanted to say this and have never had a chance, so here goes: If everyone else was jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you do it, too? Or would you be sensible enough to say no?

 

Agreed. There is no safe texting while sitting in the driver's seat of a running car. If my child was doing this in a car and phone I paid for, she would lose all privileges.

[Catwoman]

She is 14. I don't think there are any states where driving a car is legal at 14?

 

??

 

Who is 14? What did I miss? (I always miss something! :blush:) I thought the OP's dd was 18. I was responding to the following post, and the others I quoted that also responded to it. (Sorry about the confusion!)

 

My dc text instead of talking, it is cheaper. And we all text occasionally in the car, but at "safe" times, at a stop, one letter at a time on a straightaway, etc. So I would see if she exercises good judgment when texting, or if it is out of control. I guess you could cap her texts rather than pay for unlimited, but if she has money, then she might just want to pay for more texts.

Edited October 15, 2012 by Catwoman

[almondbutterandjelly]

She is 14. I don't think there are any states where driving a car is legal at 14?

 

According to op, she is 18.

[Country Mouse]

To the OP- if my child texted while driving' date=' they would lose the both car and phone. I would treat it the same as drinking and driving.[/quote']

 

That's a good way to look at it, I agree.

[LibraryLover]

She is 14. I don't think there are any states where driving a car is legal at 14?

 

According to op, she is 18.

 

 

Obviously I went to public school. :tongue_smilie: I really thought the dc in question was 14, but now I see the young person in question is 18.

 

How does one police an 18 year old except by taking away the phone?

 

If driving was involved, I would stop paying for the phone right, and replace it with a basic phone without text unless she agreed to keep her phone in the backseat where she cannot reach it. At first I said trunk, but for safety reasons, I want my dc to have access to their phones while in the car.

 

Right now.

Edited October 15, 2012 by LibraryLover

[Catwoman]

 

 

Obviously I went to public school. :tongue_smilie: I really thought the dc in question was 14, but now I see the young person in question is 18.

 

OK -- got it! I was wondering if I had completely misinterpreted the OP! :tongue_smilie:

 

Every time I think of teens texting while driving, I remember what a rotten driver I was when I was that age -- and I only had the car stereo to distract me! Experienced drivers become lousy drivers when they're texting, so an inexperienced teenager is even more of a menace.

[Perry]

 

How does one police an 18 year old except by taking away the phone?

 

Usage controls on the phone. It's very easy. You make a list of numbers that the user can text at any time, then you click on times of the day that the user can't text.

[Twinmom]

Got a young one on the way to a texting addiction here...no controls were enough to stop the problem until the phone just.went.away. Permanently, in our case...or at least for several years. Our texter is younger than yours, but honestly, I think that the phone going away is still the best solution available. Nothing is worth the risk of an addiction or accident. People lived with landlines for years and no one died as a result...and somehow, everything managed to still get done! ;)

[airforcefamily]

I would set ground rules and stop paying for the phone if they're not followed. She's an adult, physically taking the phone away is a juvenile punishment. If she wants to be irresponsible with it then let her pay for it herself. Can you get a tracking app or something and check it frequently, at least at first to break the habits. If you see the dot moving fast you know she's driving while texting and the phone is shut off then she has to have a learning experience to get it turned on. Maybe require her to read something about the dangers of texting and driving then discuss it.

 

Can you call your cell carrier to see if you can put a limit on the number of texts per month? She might be less likely to do it so often if she know she'll run out.

 

If nothing else works maybe get her an app/headset that will allow her to text by speaking so at least her hands will be on the wheel and eyes on the road while she is driving.

 

PS

As a mother who drives around with a van full of young kids it's terrifying to know teenagers are risking the lives of others by behaving so irresponsibly. Please tell her that.

[Joanne]

I would set ground rules and stop paying for the phone if they're not followed. She's an adult, physically taking the phone away is a juvenile punishment. If she wants to be irresponsible with it then let her pay for it herself. Can you get a tracking app or something and check it frequently, at least at first to break the habits. If you see the dot moving fast you know she's driving while texting and the phone is shut off then she has to have a learning experience to get it turned on. Maybe require her to read something about the dangers of texting and driving then discuss it.

 

Can you call your cell carrier to see if you can put a limit on the number of texts per month? She might be less likely to do it so often if she know she'll run out.

 

If nothing else works maybe get her an app/headset that will allow her to text by speaking so at least her hands will be on the wheel and eyes on the road while she is driving.

 

PS

As a mother who drives around with a van full of young kids it's terrifying to know teenagers are risking the lives of others by behaving so irresponsibly. Please tell her that.

 

This post is written from the standpoint of responding to a person who is a problem, immature user. If the OP's dd is, in fact, addicted to texting, taking away the phone is not a juvenile punishment.

 

You can't successfully "limit" an actual addict. You can't educate them into better behavior or out of the addiction, either. That's part of the definition/characteristics of *addiction*.

 

The OP has already tried many of the "talks" and "strict rules" suggested in this thread.

[Catwoman]

This post is written from the standpoint of responding to a person who is a problem, immature user. If the OP's dd is, in fact, addicted to texting, taking away the phone is not a juvenile punishment.

 

You can't successfully "limit" an actual addict. You can't educate them into better behavior or out of the addiction, either. That's part of the definition/characteristics of *addiction*.

 

The OP has already tried many of the "talks" and "strict rules" suggested in this thread.

 

:iagree:

 

And we also need to remember that one of the OP's concerns is about her dd's safety (and the safety of others) when her dd texts while driving. I think that is a very valid concern, and I applaud her for wanting to take action to stop that dangerous behavior.

[TammyS]

She's an adult, physically taking the phone away is a juvenile punishment.

 

I have to say that I completely disagree with this premise. She's 18, but she's not an adult by a long shot. She goes to high school, she lives with her parents, and they pay for everything (or very nearly). That's not an adult. That's an older teen, an older juvenile teen, who deserves to be treated as such.

 

Also, if the OP really believes that this is an addiction, then it should be treated that way, which means take away the phone completely and for good. You wouldn't leave an addict half a case of beer, or a little crack, or give them 20 minutes at the casino. Addicts can't have any, because they definitionally cannot or will not moderate.

 

Now, if it's not an addiction and just a case of severe irresponsibility and possible lawbreaking(further proof that this teenager is not an adult), then I think the minimum she needs is to lose the car and the phone for a substantial period of time. She'll just have to do her captain responsibilities in some other fashion - that's what happens when you misuse those things that have been put at your disposal.

[TranquilMind]

Halcyon: Strongly disagree with the above. "one letter at a time on a straightaway"??? What?

 

 

Yeah. No, we don't all do this. The phone needs to be put away in your purse or somewhere inaccessible if you can't resist looking while driving, especially on the highway!

 

 

[TechWife]

:grouphug: - These things can be so hard.

 

I highly recommend that you take the phone away from her. Really. Cell phones are new, we can do without them.

 

If you feel she must have one for emergencies, get a cheap pay as you go phone and watch the minutes carefully.

 

We have a go phone from AT&T - it is very uncomfortable to do any texting or web surfing because of the way that it is set up. I can also look on the account and see every number called and every text sent. If you do this & she texts anyway, then take the phone and the car away from her. I wouldn't mess with any times where it is allowed, etc., I think that's just asking for trouble.

[airforcefamily]

I stand by what I said. I think just taking a cell phone away from an adult as a punishment is ridiculous. She is an adult. She can get her own cell phone if the one she has is taken away. As an adult myself that's what I would do. It seems to me that simply taking the phone away would backfire and make the problem worse. Once she has her own phone she will have no reason whatsoever for going along with requests from her parents. If this was a younger child then sure, taking the phone away would work but that's not the case here. Controlling the behavior of an adult is difficult, reasoning with her seems like the only option and even that only goes so far.

 

I'm saying this as someone who was that age a decade ago. When my parents tried to control my behavior with silly (for an adult) rules I ended up moving out. (the big rules I felt shouldn't apply to adults were limits on the excessive amount of tv I watched and being given a curfew).

 

Sometimes adults need to be left to make their own mistakes. She just might surprise her parents by becoming much more responsible when that responsibility is put on her rather than her parents continuing to make these decisions for her.

[Joanne]

I stand by what I said. I think just taking a cell phone away from an adult as a punishment is ridiculous. She is an adult. She can get her own cell phone if the one she has is taken away. As an adult myself that's what I would do. It seems to me that simply taking the phone away would backfire and make the problem worse. Once she has her own phone she will have no reason whatsoever for going along with requests from her parents. If this was a younger child then sure, taking the phone away would work but that's not the case here. Controlling the behavior of an adult is difficult, reasoning with her seems like the only option and even that only goes so far.

 

I'm saying this as someone who was that age a decade ago. When my parents tried to control my behavior with silly (for an adult) rules I ended up moving out. (the big rules I felt shouldn't apply to adults were limits on the excessive amount of tv I watched and being given a curfew).

 

Sometimes adults need to be left to make their own mistakes. She just might surprise her parents by becoming much more responsible when that responsibility is put on her rather than her parents continuing to make these decisions for her.

 

You can't *reason* with an addiction. You can't allow a mistake that could cost not only their life, but that of others. Allowing a phone with texting is absolutely akin to having a keg party and giving her the keys to drive away.

 

And since I am assuming that the car (and insurance) belong to mom and dad, they need to respond to this addiction (how they describe it) as if it's an addiction.

[Catwoman]

You can't *reason* with an addiction. You can't allow a mistake that could cost not only their life, but that of others. Allowing a phone with texting is absolutely akin to having a keg party and giving her the keys to drive away.

 

And since I am assuming that the car (and insurance) belong to mom and dad, they need to respond to this addiction (how they describe it) as if it's an addiction.

 

:iagree:

 

I agree with you, Joanne. This isn't about the dd disobeying Mom and Dad. This is about a teenager doing something that is potentially deadly to herself and others.

 

I have to ask anyone who thinks it's OK for the dd to just get her own phone and continue texting while driving, how they would feel if that girl was texting while she was driving the car that killed one of their family members because she wasn't looking at the road.

[Elizabeth in MN]

Oddly enough, the best advice I got on cell phone usage in the car was from Julia Roberts. She was on Oprah and had dome some pledge to not talk and drive. So Julia said she put her purse in the trunk of the car to avid the temptation.

 

Were I In the OP's shoes I would take the iPhone away. The daughter has been warned and threatened - it's time to take action. My child would get a new and downgraded phone, one that can't text. It;s also easy to block texting on phones through the phone carrier. Anyway, once the old-school phone was in place that would be that. She can call and talk to people when not driving.

 

If she went and got a phone that texts behind my back, well then it's be no car, no cell, no cheer, no joy. School only on week days, maybe a boyfriend visit on Saturday, and church on Sunday. Welcome to hell.

[Bluegoat]

No way I would let an 18 year old who texts while driving use my car.

 

And in this situation I might stop paying for the phone too. 18 is old enough to pay for her own phone if she wants one.

 

I don't see why being captain of anything means needing a cell phone. Use a land-line.

[Haiku]

You can't *reason* with an addiction. You can't allow a mistake that could cost not only their life, but that of others. Allowing a phone with texting is absolutely akin to having a keg party and giving her the keys to drive away.

 

 

That's true, but you also know that 1) people don't change their behavior unless they want to and 2) you can't control the behavior of someone with an addiction. It is not the responsibility of the parents to "allow" or "not allow" an adult to have a cell phone. What they can do is restrict access to their car, but 18 year olds are resourceful, and I bet this child would find a way around any cell phone restrictions Mom and Dad put in place.

 

Risk my car = lose access to it. Abuse my phone = I stop paying.

 

Text too much on your own phone ≠I take away your phone.

 

Were it me, I would simply tell the child, "Because you are not using my phone appropriately, I have decided to stop paying for it."

 

I have an 18 year old dd with a truckload of issues (adopted at age 11). Every time we have tried to control her, she has found a way to thwart us. We have had much better luck simply letting her suffer the consequences of her actions, while we looked on unemotionally. "Oh, you chose not to study for your science final and flunked it, thereby flunking the class? I'm sure that sucks."

 

I am not advocating letting her continue to drive around and text. Mom and Dad have already solved that problem by disallowing use of the car.

 

Tara

[EKS]

If it were me, I would do what was easiest for *me*. Rather than deciding on a reasonable amount of texting, I would get rid of the iPhone and get a cheap-o regular phone and I would block everything but the phone part. Once she is paying for it herself (and paying for everything else herself), she can do what she wants.

[kathkath]

How about disabling the iPhone from the wireless carrier so it is only good as an iPod touch? Then she can only text when she has wifi?? No calls can be made this way.

[Joanne]

That's true, but you also know that 1) people don't change their behavior unless they want to and 2) you can't control the behavior of someone with an addiction. It is not the responsibility of the parents to "allow" or "not allow" an adult to have a cell phone. What they can do is restrict access to their car, but 18 year olds are resourceful, and I bet this child would find a way around any cell phone restrictions Mom and Dad put in place.

 

Risk my car = lose access to it. Abuse my phone = I stop paying.

 

Text too much on your own phone ≠I take away your phone.

 

Were it me, I would simply tell the child, "Because you are not using my phone appropriately, I have decided to stop paying for it."

 

I have an 18 year old dd with a truckload of issues (adopted at age 11). Every time we have tried to control her, she has found a way to thwart us. We have had much better luck simply letting her suffer the consequences of her actions, while we looked on unemotionally. "Oh, you chose not to study for your science final and flunked it, thereby flunking the class? I'm sure that sucks."

 

I am not advocating letting her continue to drive around and text. Mom and Dad have already solved that problem by disallowing use of the car.

 

Tara

 

I'm with you, not against you. on this.

 

:iagree:

[Wheres Toto]

I don't know if this will help the daughter in question but it certainly made an impact on my oldest -

 

My dd's high school required all juniors to come to an assembly with a parent in order to get a parking pass to drive to school as a senior. It went over the graduated driver's license program and rules but then they showed a video about texting while driving. It is VERY VERY rough to watch but definitely had an impact on these kids. I'm not usually into scare tactics but in this case....

.

[Catwoman]

Am I the only one who doesn't consider an 18yo high schooler, living at home with Mom and Dad, to be an adult? :confused:

 

I mean, I know that technically she's an adult, but most of the high school seniors I have known, haven't exactly been mature adults, so to me, an 18yo high schooler still counts as being a kid.

[Joanne]

Am I the only one who doesn't consider an 18yo high schooler, living at home with Mom and Dad, to be an adult? :confused:

 

I mean, I know that technically she's an adult, but most of the high school seniors I have known, haven't exactly been mature adults, so to me, an 18yo high schooler still counts as being a kid.

 

Depends on the issue.

 

I am often for autonomy and solicited coaching, emotional support for that age rather than a typical parent/child paradigm. (Thinking in terms of curfews, etc.) I grant a lot of leeway until life happens in a way that shows the leeway needs to be curtailed.

 

In THIS case, the human has an issue that supercedes that orientation I'd normally take.