tex-mex Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 (edited) This past summer, my sister, who had lived a rough life with health and mental (institutional) issues passed away. We lived a long distance from each other, but managed to stay in touch via mail or phone. For those of you who deal with a loved one who is mentally ill, it is never a close relationship... but more one of guardian/protector and estranged due to the issues my sister dealt with. She did not keep in touch with anyone, period. I am relieved she is in a better place and the torment she went thru is long gone. I am in a strange predictament due to her passing with my OTHER (living) sibling and now am between a rock and a hard place, so to speak. Once I was notified by my deceased sister's husband... I immediately notified my family (father & remaining sister) to let them know. My father already knew and was doing as best as he could. But my sister was furious to find out the news from me. (Long story... we are estranged for decades now and I keep in touch via her daughter who now has her own family & klids) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It appeared my sister was insulted that my deceased sister's husband/side of the family reached out to me -- first. Well, I cannot blame my BIL as he is on a no-speaking "war" with this sister over a litany of grudges: - Back when my mother died in 1992, all of the relatives dug deep into savings (we gave $5,000) to help pay for funeral costs and get my mother's home out of probate debts. The probate judge deeded the home to my (deceased) sister as we all agreed she would inherit the home as she was on disability/SSI and was NOT married at the time. This sister also got all of my mother's SSI death benefits, which we all agreed on. My other sister took advantage of this situation and got my (now deceased) gullible mentally ill sister to allow her, her husband, and 2 children to move in. Note that this sister and her family had no jobs or means of support. They lived off welfare and my sister's generous nature. They also convinced my sister to refinance the home -- and then spent the money on drugs and God knows what else. When it came time to pay the refinance's mortgage... they had no $$ and everyone was soon on the streets as the house went into foreclosure. Needless to say, we were furious with my sister (the one who is alive). - Many years later, (deceased) sister found someone to love her. He was 20 years older than her, but a good man. They owned property down the street from my other sister's house (she and her brood were living with her husband's grandmother at the time). Said grandmother of BIL died and they were once again on the street with no job or savings. My (deceased) sister once again was too nice and let this sister (and her family) live with them -- which resulted in an epic war between the 2 families. I would often get phone calls from both sisters and them asking me to take sides... I lived 2,000 miles away and had my own problems. :glare: But always sided with my (deceased) sister in a polite manner to which my other sister was furious. But whatever. She was taking advantage of her free rent and not helping to pay for the food or utilities for years. - Final straw with my (deceased) sister and BIL was when they decided to move 400 miles away to get away from the sister who was manipulative. I supported them in this decision. Said manipulative sister in the meantime was in and out of friend's homes, hotels, homeless shelters, etc. Her own kids (now adults with their own families) also refuse to help her out. This sister still refuses to communicate with me -- now going into a 2 decade stalemate. What can you do? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now fast forward to Summer 2012. I am at peace with my sister's passing. I know my BIL is not in good health and is in a nursing home with failing health. He has always been polite to me and I thought he was good to my sister. The issue with my sister's death is my (other) remaining sister. Via her daughter (on FB and over the phone), she wants to know what will happen to my deceased sister's life insurance policy AND her SSI beneficiary's benefits (from 1992 when my mom died). I was like... :confused: um. WHAT?? My husband was saying maybe my mother wanted her SSI death benefits to go to someone else -- after my sister died. I told him, my (deceased) sister has gotten over 20 years of SSI death benefits -- which if my mom retired and lived would be about right. What did my OTHER sister think SSI was -- a piggy bank?? :glare: I told him that most likely it would be reported to SSI of my sister's death and the benefits would end officially. I know my mother would be horrified to see my other deadbeat sister (who has never held down a job) try to get her hands on her money. It is not any of my business to inquire into the life insurance. That is between my (deceased) sister and her husband... who most likely needs the money for his own nursing home issues and medical bills. I could not believe the gall of both my niece and my sister to ask me to do this for them. I have not answered their request. A few days ago, my niece private FB messaged me asking once again if I heard anything about (insurance & SSI benefits) it. It appears as if my sister has illusions of wanting my sister's cremation remains -- which strikes me as odd. I told her that our decased sister's husband has the right to her remains. I honestly think my niece and sister have a screw loose or their moral compass is way off. How do I tell them I want no part of their plan?? Aaaauuuugh. Edited October 15, 2012 by tex-mex Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live2Ride Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 :grouphug:...wow. Family issues can be crazy. I'm glad I live a good bit away from my DH clan...they are interesting to say the least. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWOB Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 Are we related? I am so sorry about the death of your sister. Do NOT get sucked in to your surviving sister's crazy. Just don't even think of going there. Ignore the requests for info from you niece. I have some phenomenally crazy, abusive, and manipulative family members. I refuse to deal with their drama just because our DNA is similar. Blood does not give you an excuse to treat people like crap, and you certainly do not have to deal with crazy just because you are related to someone. :grouphug: Families are hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 I agree with you on everything. I don't have any advice, but think you are handling things remarkably well. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted October 15, 2012 Author Share Posted October 15, 2012 I agree with you on everything. I don't have any advice, but think you are handling things remarkably well. :grouphug: I feel like telling them how I really feel... except I fear it would ruin the (delicate) relationship with my niece (she is a single parent with 2 daughters). I don't always agree with my niece's decisions, but have always been kind and tried to help her daughters when we can. I hate thinking the apple doesn't fall far from the tree as she is behaving like her mother (my manipulative sister). *UGH* :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 (edited) I am really sorry. I had to deal with some craziness from siblings when our mother died. Are you the executor/trustee of your sister's estate? If you are not, you have no control over any of those finances. Even if you are, or are for your BIL when he dies, you will be bound by the terms of the will/trust for the estate. I assume SSI would end at death; your sister and niece would have to have been dependents of your other sister in order to collect on that, wouldn't they? All you can do is tell your sister and niece that you have no information and no control over anything. That is the truth anyway, right? Since your sister was married and her spouse survives, you have no business asking about anything (and I know you don't want to). :grouphug::grouphug: Edited October 15, 2012 by marbel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 No advice in this situation, just a :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 :grouphug: I have seen functional intelligent people get weird and greedy upon the death of a relative over money. I heard one this week that has left me truly speechless. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 I'd keep ignoring the request. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firestar Academy Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 All you can do is tell your sister and niece that you have no information and no control over anything. That is the truth anyway, right? :grouphug::grouphug: this robin in nj Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 I am so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaOfalotta Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 I dont have any advice other than just be honest. You are doing the right thing standing up for your sister and yourself. Your other sister isn't entitled to anything. Im sorry for your loss, and that you have to deal with all of this craziness:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 I'm so sorry you have to deal with this! :grouphug: I would let niece know that you are not privy to information about SSI or insurance for your sister. Let her know you value your relationship with her, but you do not wish to be some kind of middle man about this and would appreciate her not mentioning it to you again. I'm afraid if you just state that you don't know anything, she will just start asking you to find out from BIL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 It is not any of my business to inquire into the life insurance. That is between my (deceased) sister and her husband... I would tell her this and ignore any further requests for information. Sorry you have to deal with this, and I hope they drop it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljenn Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 Ugh. I have a brother (from my dads first marriage) who has never held a steady job. He has lived from settlement to settlement- he or his wife will get hurt at work (carpal tunnel, bad back) and then sue the company and receive $30,000 or more. After they blow through that money, he/she will get another job, and shockingly, the same thing happens again! It's enough to make me batty. My parents have been gone for 15 and 12 years now, and I haven't spoken to my brother since my dad died. I don't want any more drama. They weren't even invited to my sister's funeral six months ago. They found out about it on FB. Some people are toxic. You have to purge them. I would be truthful, as delicately as possible but make sure they get the point, and I would also tell your niece the truth (also delicately). She needs to know this is not normal behavior and will not be tolerated. Hope things go well for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaillardia Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 I'd keep ignoring the request. :grouphug: :grouphug: This may work very well for you. I wouldn't feel obligated to explain anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 I'm so sorry you have to deal with this! :grouphug: I would let niece know that you are not privy to information about SSI or insurance for your sister. Let her know you value your relationship with her, but you do not wish to be some kind of middle man about this and would appreciate her not mentioning it to you again. I'm afraid if you just state that you don't know anything, she will just start asking you to find out from BIL. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted October 16, 2012 Author Share Posted October 16, 2012 I would let niece know that you are not privy to information about SSI or insurance for your sister. Let her know you value your relationship with her, but you do not wish to be some kind of middle man about this and would appreciate her not mentioning it to you again. I'm afraid if you just state that you don't know anything, she will just start asking you to find out from BIL. :iagree: I would tell her this and ignore any further requests for information. Sorry you have to deal with this, and I hope they drop it. :iagree: Some people are toxic. You have to purge them. I would be truthful, as delicately as possible but make sure they get the point, and I would also tell your niece the truth (also delicately). She needs to know this is not normal behavior and will not be tolerated. Hope things go well for you. :iagree: Thanks to everyone for the advice! I am glad to find out I'm not alone in thinking all of this... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 How do I tell them I want no part of their plan?? You don't. You ignore it all completely. They are attempting to dump a turd in your lap and make you deal with it. You can, if you wish, deal with it in any number of ways. Or you can just turn your back on the turd because there is no reason that it has to exist for you.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted October 17, 2012 Author Share Posted October 17, 2012 You don't. You ignore it all completely. They are attempting to dump a turd in your lap and make you deal with it. You can, if you wish, deal with it in any number of ways. Or you can just turn your back on the turd because there is no reason that it has to exist for you.:grouphug: :lol::lol::lol: ... that has to be the funniest thing I have ever read! It did lift up my spirits during this stressful time. Oh. my. goodness. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted October 17, 2012 Share Posted October 17, 2012 :lol:h my gosh! Ignore the mess; I would refuse to be drawn into their quest for the $$$. (:iagree: Many people show their donkey-butts trying to get $$$ after someone dies.) Your bil deserves some peace and any $$$, not your sister or niece. Niece may be sweet and generally caught in the middle, but I wouldn't feel comfortable taking advantage of bil to assist sister in a greedy grab for the money. And I'm really sorry for your loss and further hurt from family. :grouphug: It stinks. You don't. You ignore it all completely. They are attempting to dump a turd in your lap and make you deal with it. You can, if you wish, deal with it in any number of ways. Or you can just turn your back on the turd because there is no reason that it has to exist for you.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted October 17, 2012 Author Share Posted October 17, 2012 LOL yeah, don't you wish you could just flush it down the toilet? :D YES!! :lol::lol::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted October 17, 2012 Share Posted October 17, 2012 I honestly think my niece and sister have a screw loose or their moral compass is way off. How do I tell them I want no part of their plan?? Aaaauuuugh. Great googly moogly. Ignore them. That's about all you CAN do. Block them, delete them, ignore them. What a mess. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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