lilbean05 Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 My daughter is competing at level 4 at a very good, well known gym in Maryland. She is 7 and absolutely loves the gym, her friends, the whole thing. This past year, though, we have had a major problem with her head coach. At the beginning of the year, all the girls were in the locker room and, all of them being new to lockers, were having fun opening and closing the locker doors. When they were called out on it later and asked who was playing with the lockers, my daughter very honestly said she did while no one else fessed up. They took the locker away from her and told her she had to go to the cubby room where the rec classes put their things. Fast forward 4 months, and the coach refuses to give the locker back to her, insisting that my daughter must show that she won't goof off again. We have been trying to figure out what she needs to do to show this to him, but he refuses to tell her what she needs to do. The story is long, but in the end, my daughter works really hard to be quiet, stay focused, and do well in class but all of that aside, she gets publicly chided when she does anything that is not perfect behavior while other girls are cutting up and aren't called out for it. I have tried emailing the coach and he either responds curtly or doesn't respond at all. So, I am at a total loss for what to do. We are in the military and are moving in 1.5 years, so one idea is to just ignore it and press on since we are going to be moving away anyway. If we move her from this program we are out all the money we paid for uniforms, parent association fees (we are talking over 1k), and really her establishment with all of her friends and the place where she self identifies outside of our home. She really doesn't want to change gyms. If I keep her here, though, I am afraid it will damage her self worth/self esteem/sense of belonging. She is banned from the locker room and everyone knows it and there is no indication that the coaches are on her side at all. Sigh. Any thoughts? Golly...oh this is very stressful to me. :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 They took the locker away from her and told her she had to go to the cubby room where the rec classes put their things. Fast forward 4 months, and the coach refuses to give the locker back to her, insisting that my daughter must show that she won't goof off again. First of all, let me say that I am a gymnastics coach, and I think it's ridiculous that the coach: 1. Is holding a grudge for that long against a child. He needs to grow up. 2. Won't tell the child exactly what she needs to do to get her privileges back. 3. Actually believes that your dd was the only child playing with the lockers and slamming doors. (The lesson the other girls learned from this experience is that lying pays off.) Is the head coach also the owner or manager? I would request a private meeting with the head coach to discuss how dd can get her locker back, since it's been 4 months. If you don't get a response, or get a negative response, try to get a meeting with the coach's boss. Don't be accusatory, just ask for the information so you know when/if your dd can get a locker. With this type of coach, I would build up his ego a bit. Be glad you are moving in 1.5 years! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilbean05 Posted October 12, 2012 Author Share Posted October 12, 2012 Thank you, PiCo, for your great response. This coach is the head coach for Level 4, but not the owner of the gym. He is one of the prized coaches, though, and has won many awards and everyone adores him. I have had one meeting with him already where he said that he would think of a concrete way to decide when she can get the locker back and then tell her what that would be. That was 2 months ago and nothing came out of it. I then had a follow up meeting with him last month where he was very agitated and didn't have anything to say other than my daughter needs to focus more. He still hasn't told her what she needs to do in a way that is measurable aside from "focus". (And she is, as much as a 7 year old can be and certainly compared to her peers.) I am very nice and very supportive when I speak to him, and it seems it has turned into a power struggle. I am wondering if at this point I need to talk to the owner, who is also the coaches boss, but I don't know that if that will just cause more trouble in the long run. Thank you for the response. I will probably re-read it many times as I try and sort through what to do next! I am glad I am moving too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 Is he from Eastern Europe? If so, it might be in your dd's best interest to take your dh with you to a meeting. If that's not possible, mention how you're sorry to bother him again, you just don't understand... he's such a great coach! But you want to understand (and it's difficult, because you're not an athlete and you're a poor woman, blah blah blah. Don't actually say that, just give that impression.) This might work with an American coach also, especially if he has a Napoleon complex. I know some fantastic Eastern European men who coach gymnastics, and I know some real pieces of work. The latter tend to be rather misogynistic. (Good thing they're working with our daughters, huh?) Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilbean05 Posted October 12, 2012 Author Share Posted October 12, 2012 Hahaha! What great insight and it makes perfect sense! The coach is born and raised American and just seems to have a major issue with my daughter. She is very precocious and charming and everyone in the gym knows her and smiles and waves and it seems the other coaches find her endearing. I am not sure what he has against her, but this whole thing has really become a large source of stress for me! I really think it has become a battle of the wills. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 Change gyms now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMA Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 I don't understand why it's going on for 4 months. It was a typical little group of kids acting up. I would just go with her and pick out a locker. Don't even ask the coach and don't make a big deal of it. Just use it as you would on a normal day before the incident. If he makes a big deal about it when you are using the locker, ask for the owner. The coach doesn't own the locker room, KWIM? It was appropriate for him to ban her for a day or even a week, she learned her lesson, and it's time to move on. It's a control thing for the coach. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenn- Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 Do the other kids tease her about not getting to use the locker room? Does this seem to be as big of an issue to her as it is to you? When you say she is called out publicly for goofing off, is the coach pulling her to the front of the group and telling her to quit acting up or is he just calling across the room/area and telling to sit down/stand up/quiet down? We have one girl at our gym that I kid you not for 2 years we would hear "XYZ will you do ABC" constantly. She just didn't stay still in line and if she was standing still she was turned around talking. This year she has finally matured and we only hear it on occasion. I am sorry your daughter and this coach seem to clash. How much longer does she have as a level 4? Will the level 5 coach be a different person? Unless this is a truly abusive situation, you might just have to teach her that we won't get along with everyone in life and to make sure she stays quiet and focused while at gym. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 (edited) My son is also a gymnast. I would not appreciate the unfair treatment your dd is receiving. Our head coach is very strict but very fair. He doesn't have favorites and will call down any gymnast who needs it. If I was in your position I would get my dh involved. Request a meeting with your dd's coach and the owner with you and dh. If it doesn't immediately get resolved I would demand my money back and head to another gym. Your dd's self worth is more valuable than that. I'm upset for you and your dd! :grouphug: Elise in NC Edited October 12, 2012 by speedmom4 Typo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilbean05 Posted October 12, 2012 Author Share Posted October 12, 2012 LMA--I have thought of doing that! But, in the end, I think she will end up getting in bigger trouble. I do agree with Jenn that it is a control issue. Jenn--when they publicly call her out, the coaches will say things to each other, but loudly so that it is heard, "Boy, H sure isn't behaving well. I wonder if we need to move her to preteam." or when she was supposed to be standing in line waiting her turn, instead of watching her teammate, she was watching another level practice so the coach said, "Want to watch the other team? Go ahead. Go watch them. Go sit and I will tell you when you can come back." and she had to go sit for half an hour and watch the other team and miss practice. Another girl was doing the same thing and they said to her "Want to go join H?" but didn't send her over. Just things like that. Does my daughter care? Um..not openly. I think somewhere deep in there she knows that it isn't nice and wishes she could be treated more equally, but she cares MORE about staying at the gym and being on this team and with this group of people. I talked to her about it the other day and she came to me the next morning begging to stay at this gym and not change. I do think that I care more about the locker then she does, though she does care about it too. She has until May as Level 4 and if she can't obtain a certain score at the meets, she will stay Level 4. Jenn--your final recommendation is what we are doing now--teaching her that we don't get along with everyone and that she is a great kid and to keep having fun and working hard and focusing, just riding this out. I just don't know if I am causing her harm by fighting for her or if I am supposed to just ignore it and let the coach have his power issue and act like we don't care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilbean05 Posted October 12, 2012 Author Share Posted October 12, 2012 Thanks speedmom--my husband is deployed right now (and the coach knows this too) but when he gets back in a few weeks, I am thinking we will have a meeting with the owner and the coach to get this resolved. I would just hate for the visible things to be fixed (she has her locker) but the coach to be even more resentful and continue to treat her unfairly in class. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jan in SC Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 I'm sorry for this question- Is she one of the better ones on the team? Sadly, some coaches, especially in gymnastics, don't feel it's worth the time to deal with and work with a child that is on the lower half of the team. I had a ds in gymnastics, and he had great coaches, but the girls' team had a much different vibe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
staceyobu Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 I have no advice and know nothing of gymnastics. But, that sucks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilbean05 Posted October 12, 2012 Author Share Posted October 12, 2012 Jan--she is right smack dab in the middle and I do agree with what you are saying. Stacypbu--yes it does! Oh, I need a cup of coffee. :) Thank you all for your advice, support, and someone to talk to about it. It is good to hear other perspectives and other mama instincts to try and sort through the whole thing. I foresee a meeting with the owner and head coach in our future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 LMA--I have thought of doing that! But, in the end, I think she will end up getting in bigger trouble. I do agree with Jenn that it is a control issue. Jenn--when they publicly call her out, the coaches will say things to each other, but loudly so that it is heard, "Boy, H sure isn't behaving well. I wonder if we need to move her to preteam." or when she was supposed to be standing in line waiting her turn, instead of watching her teammate, she was watching another level practice so the coach said, "Want to watch the other team? Go ahead. Go watch them. Go sit and I will tell you when you can come back." and she had to go sit for half an hour and watch the other team and miss practice. Another girl was doing the same thing and they said to her "Want to go join H?" but didn't send her over. Just things like that. Does my daughter care? Um..not openly. I think somewhere deep in there she knows that it isn't nice and wishes she could be treated more equally, but she cares MORE about staying at the gym and being on this team and with this group of people. I talked to her about it the other day and she came to me the next morning begging to stay at this gym and not change. I do think that I care more about the locker then she does, though she does care about it too. She has until May as Level 4 and if she can't obtain a certain score at the meets, she will stay Level 4. Jenn--your final recommendation is what we are doing now--teaching her that we don't get along with everyone and that she is a great kid and to keep having fun and working hard and focusing, just riding this out. I just don't know if I am causing her harm by fighting for her or if I am supposed to just ignore it and let the coach have his power issue and act like we don't care. Ouch, that's pretty awful. I don't know what to tell you about the situation; it's hard when they want to stay at the gym. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenn- Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 Is the owner frequently in the gym? Is he/she regularly out on the floor with the kids? Could you have him/her sit in on a few practices? The fact it seems like you and the coach are having a power struggle can be tainting the views of both of you. Are the practices open for parents to watch or are you getting the info from your dd? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilbean05 Posted October 12, 2012 Author Share Posted October 12, 2012 Jen--yes, the owner is at the gym and knows my daughter, often laughing and giving her high fives and things. She is not involved or out on the floor when my daughter is practicing though. The owner coaches the higher levels and is either focused on them or off the floor. I can watch the practice and while I can't always hear what they say, I can see everything and the info comes from my daughter, the girls in the carpool, and the head coach. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 Jenn--when they publicly call her out, the coaches will say things to each other, but loudly so that it is heard, "Boy, H sure isn't behaving well. I wonder if we need to move her to preteam." I hate this type of passive aggressive bull ****. Just tell the kids what you expect of them. ETA- Hey, I didn't know we couldn't write the "s" word in this forum- it starred it out for me. Hehehe! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AStableBeginning Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 That stinks, sorry you and your daughter are going through that! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 :grouphug: Can you start videotaping her practices? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenn- Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 :grouphug: Can you start videotaping her practices? I was wondering this as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 I hate this type of passive aggressive bull ****. Just tell the kids what you expect of them. ETA- Hey, I didn't know we couldn't write the "s" word in this forum- it starred it out for me. Hehehe! Awesome. Saves me the trouble of self-editing. :tongue_smilie: (Sorry!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reflections Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 Does my daughter care? Um..not openly. I think somewhere deep in there she knows that it isn't nice and wishes she could be treated more equally, but she cares MORE about staying at the gym and being on this team and with this group of people. I just don't know if I am causing her harm by fighting for her or if I am supposed to just ignore it and let the coach have his power issue and act like we don't care. IMO - I would be worried that my daughter was trying to please someone who can't be, and how that might effect her later in life. She is only 7 and while her opinion would matter to me, those opinions would not deter me from pulling her from a program that I thought was harming her. :grouphug: to you and your dd, this is a tough situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sisyphus Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 My advice comes from a place where my son did competitive gymnastics for 6 years, and there were some issues that looking back, I so wish I could have changed. But like most people, you don't want to make waves. IMO, it is somewhat dangerous for your DD to look up to and admire, and want attention and approval from someone who is not fair. This is what happened with Ds, and the effects to him were long reaching. He worshipped this coach, he wanted his approval so, so much- and he got, quite a bit. He was very talented. But the actual person the coach was, was...not someone I should have wanted my son looking up to. There were comparisons between kids on the team, kids regularly reduced to tears, the coach would stomp and scream or worse- walk away and ignore a child. My sons identity was very much wrapped up in who he was in this persons eyes, and how gym practice went became his barometer of self worth. In gymnastics, because it is so time consuming (at the end, 5-6days a week, 4 hour practices, twice a day in summer) the coach really becomes a huge figure in a Childs life. I don't think (especially looking back!) it is an overstatement to say that if your child does competitive sport on this level, it is vital to have a coach worthy of the responsibility. Because they WILL have a huge influence on your child. If the coach is arbitrary and hurtful now, than move. It is much easier to move at level 4 than level 7! And supportive, caring coaches without the mercurial temperaments we somehow allow in this kind of sport ARE out there. This may not be a big enough deal to move over, but just please, be aware of what is going on and be sure the person who means so much to your child is worthy of that trust. I don't mean to be all alarmist, really, I just wish I had really thought it all through past "the gym is by my house, Ds is great at it, I don't want to be one of THOSE moms". It ends up being a whole lot more than just an extracurricular! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 (edited) There's something I don't understand. If this has been going on for months, why haven't you spoken directly with the coach about it? Why would you email??? Why wouldn't you just confront him directly to ask him exactly what's going on, and to let him know that you won't tolerate him treating your dd that way. If he gives you a hard time, go over his head and talk to the owner. Remember, you're the one paying for the lessons. This guy isn't a god; he's just a gymnastics coach. Stop giving him so much power. Your dd is 7 and this is little kids' gymnastics -- it's not like she's going to be competing in the Olympics any time soon, so why are you so worried about confronting this idiot? :confused: Sorry to sound so harsh, but I am always amazed at how much power coaches wield over parents. It makes absolutely no sense to me, particularly when we're talking about men and women who coach little kids. I don't know about everyone else, but I stand up for my ds if someone is mistreating him. And this coach is mistreating the OP's dd. I don't think the OP should wait until her husband gets home to deal with this. I think she needs to channel her inner Mama Bear and have a serious conversation with that coach immediately. Edited October 13, 2012 by Catwoman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 Honestly, I don't think I could keep my kid under a coach that treated any of the girls that way. I would move gyms - and I know it's complicated and expensive, BTDT. I would make sure the owner knows why if you do leave. Your dd's self-esteem is worth the trouble and expense. I have a Level 10 dd, so we have been in and around gyms for years. I think my Mama Bear would have come out if a coach had ever treated her that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilbean05 Posted October 13, 2012 Author Share Posted October 13, 2012 Wow, so many great responses! Thank you all and I am very grateful to have the insight from so many people who are weighed down by the daily ins and outs of this. Fresh perspectives are good and I agree with all you have all said. To catwoman--I have had two sit down conversations with the coach and it didn't get us anywhere. It seems to almost make matters worse. I am careful about what I say because, in the end, I dont want her to change gyms and if I can manage this in a way that will resolve the problem without making it worse (and I am not being very successful!), that would be ideal. I was trying to avoid giving the coach a piece of my mind because it would pretty much make the decision that we were leaving the gym. I will keep you updated with what happens--I intend to see some change, either on their part or our leaving the gym, in the next week or so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 IMO - I would be worried that my daughter was trying to please someone who can't be, and how that might effect her later in life. She is only 7 and while her opinion would matter to me, those opinions would not deter me from pulling her from a program that I thought was harming her. :grouphug: to you and your dd, this is a tough situation. :iagree: I hope you can get this resolved so that she can stay at the gym AND be treated well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 To catwoman--I have had two sit down conversations with the coach and it didn't get us anywhere. It seems to almost make matters worse. I am careful about what I say because, in the end, I dont want her to change gyms and if I can manage this in a way that will resolve the problem without making it worse (and I am not being very successful!), that would be ideal. I was trying to avoid giving the coach a piece of my mind because it would pretty much make the decision that we were leaving the gym. I will keep you updated with what happens--I intend to see some change, either on their part or our leaving the gym, in the next week or so. Thanks for the clarification! If you haven't had any luck with the coach, are you planning to speak directly with the owner? Is there a different coach you could use instead to this bozo? It sounds like he has a real issue with your dd, and it could be emotionally unhealthy for her to keep him as her coach. Even if he's the best coach in the gym, if he doesn't like your dd, he will not help her excel, and he won't give her enough positive motivation. Why don't you want to change gyms? Is this one the only gym in your area? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MotherMayI Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 Lots of good advice here...the thing that stands out to me is that *all* the girls were slamming the locker doors- and your daughter was the only honest one there. She is being punished for being honest, while all of the other guilty parties are just keeping quiet...staying under the radar of the coach. I really don't know what your next move is, but I am proud of your daughter for being the lone voice of truth...and I think the coach should know that he has chosen to brand the only honest kid in the bunch! :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 I do not have a child in gymnastics currently, though my dd did enjoy gymnastics for a number of years in a wonderful, family-friendly gym and my son has always done sports. My son has had mostly good coaches, but there have been a few that were not good, including one who was verbally very negative. In all cases so far, we encouraged ds to stick it out and coached him through how to deal with the negative coach. What you are describing, though, sounds really bad. Four months??? Your dd is 7yo??? The coach's behavior is unbelievably inappropriate. At her age, another year and a half of this is a huuuuuuge amount of time. There is no way that subjecting her to that kind of ongoing bullying will be good for her. You have tried talking to this man twice, to no avail. There is no amount of talking or cajoling hi, that will change the situation, because at this point this is just How It Is. This behavior is part of the culture of that class and of that coach, and your daughter's role in that culture has been defined. Talk to the owner and get her a different coach. Or leave the gym, and make it clear that you expect your money back. You may need to video or document what is happening to prove your case. Frankly, you paid a lot to be in the gym. There is NO reason why your dd shouldn't have the locker that you have paid for. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilbean05 Posted October 14, 2012 Author Share Posted October 14, 2012 I spoke to the owner yesterday and she is arranging a meeting between me, the head coach, and herself. I will keep you updated! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 I spoke to the owner yesterday and she is arranging a meeting between me, the head coach, and herself. I will keep you updated! I'm glad to hear that you contacted the owner. I hope the meeting goes well! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 I'm glad to hear that you contacted the owner. I hope the meeting goes well! :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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