TeA education when a boy is obsessed?

[Cammie]

While I agree that it is not age appropriate or normal and that abuse is certainly a possibility that he needs to be evaluated for, there are lots of rather innocent ways he could have been exposed to inappropriate images. I grew up in a minister's house. There were a stack of magazines donated for some purpose that were sitting in our front hallway. I was leafing through the pile and that is when I saw my first *** magazine! I must have been about 5th or 6th grade. Of course I looked through it but for me it was not interesting and made no impact. A young boy might be different. Just saying that there are MANY MANY avenues to this junk.

[8circles]

What other behaviors show obsession with sex?

 

Early or young exposure to visual images regarding sex (usually in the form of porn) changes the brain of a child from a physiological standpoint. The brain *literally* changes due to the excitement, overwhelming images without mature context, and chemicals. It often develops along the lines of addiction.

 

If this is what has happened, you are not in the realm of dealing with "normal" concerns and natural, organic conversations.

 

Sometimes obession with sex at those ages points to having been violated (beyond early exposure to inappropriate images). I am not saying this has happened, but I *am* encouraging you to not dismiss the possibility easily.

:iagree:

I'm concerned.

[Mandylubug]

thank you all for the kind replies and encouragement... Perhaps, obsessed is exaggerative. After speaking more with DH, he thinks it has been over two years since the "shower peeking" incident and he really hasn't attempted after that. DS is very impulsive, doesn't knock on doors, etc.. and that scenario he just waltzed into the bathroom to ask me a question and then got curious. He did ask DH many questions that he was curious about then and DH had a stern talking with him about how inappropriate it is, etc.. He hasn't exhibited this behavior anymore...

 

The movies he viewed on netflix were anime and had some graphics that I consider inappropriate such as full view of bOOks. Cartoon or not, I think they are inappropriate. When he originally watched these movies, he was watching cartoons on netflix, such as avatar and the inappropriate anime was "suggested" for him to watch... he then went from there and searched two other movies that were recommended after that one... So, I can definitely see the line of curiosity there...

[Mandylubug]

sorry, I hit enter too quickly before I finished my response... so anyway, I know he has been curious. He has asked for encyclopedias or books to learn more about physical anatomy. He has also asked for a book about puberty and body changes. He is VERY hairy for a 10 year old and I am afraid he will be going through puberty early like my brother.. but maturity wise will not be there, I know.

 

Anyway, I didn't want to leave the thread with it sounding like he is talking about, searching about TeA daily,weekly or even monthly even... but perhaps once or twice a year for the past two years.

Edited October 10, 2012 by Mandylubug

[Mergath]

The movies he viewed on netflix were anime and had some graphics that I consider inappropriate such as full view of bOOks. Cartoon or not, I think they are inappropriate. When he originally watched these movies, he was watching cartoons on netflix, such as avatar and the inappropriate anime was "suggested" for him to watch... he then went from there and searched two other movies that were recommended after that one... So, I can definitely see the line of curiosity there...

 

Ah... yeah, some of the anime is a bit, er, racy. If you haven't already, make sure he isn't googling "hentai" in his spare time.

[Joanne]

OP? Your most recent updates don't match your earlier postings.

 

I went back and read your posts in the 1st 2 pages; I am concerned. I am concerned about your son. Now, I am concerned about your son and your DH's minimalization of the issue and your willingness to allow that.

 

I suspect either your family has a very scripted, legalistic, elevated focus and concern on sexuality OR that your son suffered early exposure to porn and is going through the progression that follows the changed brain chemistry.

 

Something is WRONG.

[KidsHappen]

WHile this is not age appropriate behavior, it is entirely possible that it was due to an initial accidental exposure. If he was accidently exposed to inappropriate material this may have led to curiosity on his part which provoked him to seach out more material. As he tried to satisfy his curiosity, additional exposure may have led to an obsession which will be difficult to break because he is not really emotionally mature enough to understand the problems with this kind of material. Unfortunately, I don't really know the best way to handle this if it is the case.

[deacongirl]

sorry, I hit enter too quickly before I finished my response... so anyway, I know he has been curious. He has asked for encyclopedias or books to learn more about physical anatomy. He has also asked for a book about puberty and body changes. He is VERY hairy for a 10 year old and I am afraid he will be going through puberty early like my brother.. but maturity wise will not be there, I know.

 

Anyway, I didn't want to leave the thread with it sounding like he is talking about, searching about TeA daily,weekly or even monthly even... but perhaps once or twice a year for the past two years.

 

So did you teach him more about physical anatomy and puberty? that is a perfectly normal thing for a kid to be curious about. If you aren't teaching him and making it seem forbidden or shameful then he is likely to fill in the blanks himself.

[ELITEANDLOVINGIT]

Is your sig up to date? Because 9/10 is pretty young for being tea obsessed. Are you certain he hasn't been sexually abused (including peer abuse)? If he is so determined at such a young age to be watching hardcore videos I might consider counseling IF you have a therapist you trust and are comfortable with. I would also end all internet access, period.

 

Also, if he is so obsessed it's possible he's exposed his brother or peers to porn and he might be at risk of committing peer abuse himself. So I would definitely address this and make sure he understands boundaries, consent, etc..

 

I agree with this. Its not that he HAS or IS doing any of these things. However, a good therapist can check in to make sure that all is okay in his world. He may just be a young developer who is really interested...and it certainly is an INTERESTING subject...

[Corraleno]

thank you all for the kind replies and encouragement... Perhaps, obsessed is exaggerative. After speaking more with DH, he thinks it has been over two years since the "shower peeking" incident and he really hasn't attempted after that. DS is very impulsive, doesn't knock on doors, etc.. and that scenario he just waltzed into the bathroom to ask me a question and then got curious. He did ask DH many questions that he was curious about then and DH had a stern talking with him about how inappropriate it is, etc.. He hasn't exhibited this behavior anymore...

 

The movies he viewed on netflix were anime and had some graphics that I consider inappropriate such as full view of bOOks. Cartoon or not, I think they are inappropriate. When he originally watched these movies, he was watching cartoons on netflix, such as avatar and the inappropriate anime was "suggested" for him to watch... he then went from there and searched two other movies that were recommended after that one... So, I can definitely see the line of curiosity there...

Is the anime with cartoon bOOks the "porn" you were referring to, or was there something more than that?

 

If the issue is that he accidently walked in on you in the shower 2 years ago, took a good look out of curiosity, and asked questions about anatomy, and then got caught watching slightly risqué cartoons a few times over the past 2 years, that is very VERY different from what it sounded like in your OP — a child obsessed with sex, viewing porn online, stalking you trying to see you naked, etc.

 

I agree with Joanne — either your DS's quite normal curiosity (as described above) has been blown WAY out of proportion in your house, or you are trying to minimize what are potentially really serious issues. :confused:

 

Jackie

[deacongirl]

Is the anime with cartoon bOOks the "porn" you were referring to, or was there something more than that?

 

If the issue is that he accidently walked in on you in the shower 2 years ago, took a good look out of curiosity, and asked questions about anatomy, and then got caught watching slightly risqué cartoons a few times over the past 2 years, that is very VERY different from what it sounded like in your OP — a child obsessed with sex, viewing porn online, stalking you trying to see you naked, etc.

 

I agree with Joanne — either your DS's quite normal curiosity (as described above) has been blown WAY out of proportion in your house, or you are trying to minimize what are potentially really serious issues. :confused:

 

Jackie

this exactly!

[hillfarm]

My dd grew up on a farm. She was exposed to quite a lot of animal (not anime;)) sexuality her entire life. At 14yo, she seems to be perfectly normal.

 

However, along the way there were certainly some drawings at church that were impossible to explain in a tactful way, she has described things that were happening in very clear, graphic detail at a very young age, and she has even made a few rather precocious jokes (and incidentally pretty on the mark and hysterically funny) about male anatomy.

 

I am not sure how anime drawings of human sexuality would compare to real life animal sexuality, but I do believe that kids can be exposed and still lead perfectly normal lives. (Well, sort of normal. It took me a long time about 4 years ago to realize that you all weren't talking about artificial insemination in all those AI threads...)

 

So, the elephant in the room has been named. Now check in with the dd's to be sure they're not having any troubles with him. Chat with him about why he is so interested. Explain that you want a healthy sex life for him when he is an adult and that you might need to talk to some experts to make sure everything is on track. Talk to your dh and let him know that you are concerned and that you expect his full cooperation and support while you focus on this and sort things out. Calmly do what it takes to deal with this.

 

It may turn out to be another one of those abnormalities all our children have that drive us crazy. It may be due to exposure and curiosity and be able to be nipped in the bud with some factual information and straight talk. It might be the warning flag about a deeper, more serious problem. Map out a plan and deal with it. Now that it's out in the air, you can never again deny knowledge of it. So do your level best.

 

If it turns out that the experts believe it is a non-issue, put it away for now. But to be diligent, mark your calendar and reevaluate the situation every 6 months for a while. Mark down any unusual occurrences in a certain color pen on your calendar so you can easily see them and notice if they are not as few and far between as you would like to think - or you may find that they are very infrequent and you can put your mind at rest. Talk to the girls again, "Just checking, any problems?", maybe a mention to a teacher at school, "Ds has always loved the ladies, any issues with that going on here that I need to know about?" (No need to toss around worries or labels that are unfounded, but do be honest if an actual diagnosis is made.) If possible, chat with his friends or their girl friends to sniff out any trouble.

 

Then you can sleep at night knowing you have done all you knew to do to make your ds healthy, happy, and whole. If there ever is a problem, no one can accuse you of turning a blind eye. IMO, it's quite likely that nothing will happen because you are going to be on top of things and not let little things slip through the cracks. So my advice is be calm, be intentional, and be vigilant. Just like with all the other pitfalls our children face.

Edited October 10, 2012 by hillfarm

[LucyStoner]

 

If the issue is that he accidently walked in on you in the shower 2 years ago, took a good look out of curiosity, and asked questions about anatomy, and then got caught watching slightly risqué cartoons a few times over the past 2 years, that is very VERY different from what it sounded like in your OP — a child obsessed with sex, viewing porn online, stalking you trying to see you naked, etc.

 

I agree with Joanne — either your DS's quite normal curiosity (as described above) has been blown WAY out of proportion in your house, or you are trying to minimize what are potentially really serious issues. :confused:

 

Jackie

 

:iagree:

 

I would be hesitant to label it as an obsession based on your follow up posts but even more hesitant to label it as ok and in the range of normal based on your OP. I really don't see how a professional can hurt in this situation. He is unlikely to share what is really going on with you, especially if he feels guilt or shame.

[ELITEANDLOVINGIT]

I think this is not something to be left to guessing... a GOOD therapist (professional - sorry not clergy) who specializes in child therapy, as a professionally licenced in psychologist should be consulted...

Edited October 10, 2012 by kerryfrank73

[LucyStoner]

My friend's 18 yr old niece was staying with them this summer and she made sure to remind her to dress modestly. Sometimes, for some people visual stimulation is very overwhelming. This seems like an issue of self-control and you will have to play a huge part in his overcoming this temptation. He is not sexually deviant...yet. Left unchecked this could be a big problem for him.

 

Monitoring some one else's dress/attire to create an excuse for some one else's thoughts and temptations? What the what? I personally can't think of anything more objectifying to a young girl than being put on notice that her cousin might leer or be tempted if she wears certain clothes. Kind of ironic if the goal is to teach HIM not to objectify women.

Edited October 10, 2012 by kijipt

[Quad Shot Academy]

either your DS's quite normal curiosity (as described above) has been blown WAY out of proportion in your house, or you are trying to minimize what are potentially really serious issues. :confused:

:iagree: Either way, I still recommend a thorough sex ed program from the physiology side and frank talks about p@rn, boundaries with others and waiting a long time to open those doors. I still highly recommend the Passport to Purity products. They are not quite as archaic as the name sounds. I didn't even want to look into it, based on the name, but it is the most complete balanced program I have found.

[LittleIzumi]

Is the anime with cartoon bOOks the "porn" you were referring to, or was there something more than that?

 

If the issue is that he accidently walked in on you in the shower 2 years ago, took a good look out of curiosity, and asked questions about anatomy, and then got caught watching slightly risqué cartoons a few times over the past 2 years, that is very VERY different from what it sounded like in your OP — a child obsessed with sex, viewing porn online, stalking you trying to see you naked, etc.

 

I agree with Joanne — either your DS's quite normal curiosity (as described above) has been blown WAY out of proportion in your house, or you are trying to minimize what are potentially really serious issues. :confused:

 

Jackie

 

:iagree::iagree: The length of the innappropriate behavior, the extremely young age, the hiding of it and deliberately seeking it out at that age over a period of years, is very, VERY concerning. I would certainly speak to a professional. You don't want a full-blown addiction starting up at age ten or eleven.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Ah... yeah, some of the anime is a bit, er, racy. If you haven't already, make sure he isn't googling "hentai" in his spare time.

 

I found this out the VERY hard way! Dd was talking to an older girl at the park, and i look over and the girl's jaw was on the floor. She said "do you have any idea what type of anime she's watching?!" I said apparently not and was filled in. Dd's internet use is very limited now.

[Mandylubug]

I am sorry about the confusion. I do realize my wording sounded more extreme when I reread my post. That is why I reposted after shopping today. Sometimes it helps with perspective when I step away and come back. However, I am not trying to down play his behavior by no means.

 

To answer a few questions. He has been caught multiple times staring down my shirt if I wear a lower cut shirt and I dress rather modestly typically... I have commented to him before that it isn't appropriate behavior and he has said in the past that it "distracts him." I try not to wear these type of tanks around him anymore just so there aren't any distractions. The shower incident was once. He was also under my bed one time while I was dressing. He stated he was hiding from his brother and then I came out of the bath and he was scared to say anything because he didn't want to get in trouble...so he waited until I dressed and then left my room... I caught him leaving my room. I don't know if it was truly innocent? perhaps, perhaps not....

 

He did watch the cartoon anime and two other "real life" inappropriate movies. He also searched about girls and tea a prior instance on the internet.. today making the second time we have caught him on the internet. All of these incidences happened two years ago or sooner... it has been many months since our last scenario of searching on the computer.. and honestly, I can't remember if he was searching on the computer during the same days we learned he was watching stuff on netflix or if it was a separate time but it was near the same time.

 

We have not purchased any human anatomy books, etc. yet. My husband did speak with him frankly about things and answered questions; I have spoken frankly with him and answered questions and we have always been an open book and let him know to ask any time he has questions. I honestly haven't found any books that shared enough info but not too much info; I am still searching.

[Katy]

What would be "too much" information?

 

I'm tempted to think you've created a highly restricted environment, he's going through puberty early, and he's got a bunch of physical urges he has NO IDEA how to control or what is going on. Lack of information is not going to help that.

[Halcyon]

If my 10 year old was staring down my shirt I would be like wth! especially if I thought he was leering, kwim? I'm sorry, but based on your most recent post, this still doesnt sound normal at all. That said, I am the mother of only one 10 year old, and dont really know what the range of "normal" is for 10 year old boys. I think you should find a professional therapist immediately.

[Halcyon]

What would be "too much" information?

 

I'm tempted to think you've created a highly restricted environment, he's going through puberty early, and he's got a bunch of physical urges he has NO IDEA how to control or what is going on. Lack of information is not going to help that.

:iagree: For me, at 10, he should know (almost) everything. That's just me, I know, but seriously, I will answer just about any questions my kid throws at me about just about any topic, particularly sex. And as long as the book isnt demeaning, degrading or pornographic, and geared towards children rather than men (meaning I dont want him learning yet how to pleasure a woman, for example :001_huh:) I'm fine with it.

[sparrow]

If my 10 year old was staring down my shirt I would be like wth! especially if I thought he was leering, kwim? I'm sorry, but based on your most recent post, this still doesnt sound normal at all. That said, I am the mother of only one 10 year old, and dont really know what the range of "normal" is for 10 year old boys. I think you should find a professional therapist immediately.

 

:iagree: I feel the same way. I've only had one 10 year old boy, that is now 12, and I've seen none of this kind of behavior. We're even pretty loose on internet restrictions. His time on the internet is spent looking up Minecraft mods on youtube.

 

OP, your first post sounded worried and I think there is some reason to worry. Please don't minimize what seems to be very real concerns. He can get some help now before he enters full blown puberty.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I would get him an anatomy book to start with.

[itsheresomewhere]

I have a friend whose son has been VERY aware of women an their bodies from a young age. His father was also this way. He also had poblems with excessive master$&@%#^.

They enlisted a Christian counselor and with lots of work helped him gain self-control and understand this objectified women. He has sisters who he loves dearly and he is an AMAZING sweet youngteen who still has to monitor himself. My friend's 18 yr old niece was staying with them this summer and she made sure to remind her to dress modestly. Sometimes, for some people visual stimulation is very overwhelming. This seems like an issue of self-control and you will have to play a huge part in his overcoming this temptation. He is not sexually deviant...yet. Left unchecked this could be a big problem for him.

 

:confused::confused::001_huh:

[blakereese]

I would get him an anatomy book to start with.

 

 

:iagree: Has he not had much information on this topic? (sorry, I just skimmed some of the earlier posts) He is 10, right? Definitely time for an anatomy lesson and heart to heart with Dad and/or Mom. Try to answer all of his questions, if he has any, and let him know it is normal to talk about it and have questions and feelings, etc.

 

I'm not sure what to think, because at first it sounded pretty serious and then you backtracked a bit...it is true, he could have seen something just about anywhere that started the curiosity and it has just gotten out of hand due to his age and lack of correct info on the subject. But it could be signs of something more serious. Follow your instincts on this, you know him the best.

[Joanne]

Mandylubug,

 

I am very confused by your posts, and updates with more information. Regardless, what you describe is not in normal range. It is either your reaction to your son and sexuality is heightened and you see issues where none exist OR your son has had something happen that has created an age-inappropriate hyperfocus on sex/bodies.

 

I am leaning towards the latter, but I'm not sure.

 

I'm concerned about all 3 people in the picture - you, your son and your DH.

 

Please seek objective, professional intervention.

[QuirkyKapers]

The behavior you have described is concerning. Have you checked your computers history to see if it is just a couple times a year? Still, even so, the other behaviors are off. Please check in with your girls. JcPenney magazines, Kohl's catalogues all have women scantily clad. Don't take your concerns lightly. :grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

:grouphug:

 

I don't know if you are feeling this way, but I will share that, when my son was in need of professional help, at first I did a fair share of trying to find "another" way and "another" answer. I was minimizing because it was so darned scary.

 

I hope you can be brave enough to find him some help. What's the worst that can happen if you do? You are not going to give him too much information; neither will the Dr. You are not going to "trigger" anything by naming and defining it. You are not going to make it worse by acknowledging it and treating it.

 

Now ask yourself the "flipside" question--What's the worst that can happen if there is a real problem and you do not get him help?

 

You don't want that. Trust me.

 

It doesn't mean you have failed as a parent if your kid needs help. It may mean some tweaking in the parenting dept could be beneficial, but that is OK. It doesn't mean you have to give up your values. It doesn't mean he is ruined and you need to plunge into guilt.

 

Pls take the advice of the good people here and take him to see someone, even if it's just to rule out some stuff.

 

Please be brave enough.

[8circles]

I am sorry about the confusion. I do realize my wording sounded more extreme when I reread my post. That is why I reposted after shopping today. Sometimes it helps with perspective when I step away and come back. However, I am not trying to down play his behavior by no means.

 

To answer a few questions. He has been caught multiple times staring down my shirt if I wear a lower cut shirt and I dress rather modestly typically... I have commented to him before that it isn't appropriate behavior and he has said in the past that it "distracts him." I try not to wear these type of tanks around him anymore just so there aren't any distractions. The shower incident was once. He was also under my bed one time while I was dressing. He stated he was hiding from his brother and then I came out of the bath and he was scared to say anything because he didn't want to get in trouble...so he waited until I dressed and then left my room... I caught him leaving my room. I don't know if it was truly innocent? perhaps, perhaps not....

 

He did watch the cartoon anime and two other "real life" inappropriate movies. He also searched about girls and tea a prior instance on the internet.. today making the second time we have caught him on the internet. All of these incidences happened two years ago or sooner... it has been many months since our last scenario of searching on the computer.. and honestly, I can't remember if he was searching on the computer during the same days we learned he was watching stuff on netflix or if it was a separate time but it was near the same time.

 

We have not purchased any human anatomy books, etc. yet. My husband did speak with him frankly about things and answered questions; I have spoken frankly with him and answered questions and we have always been an open book and let him know to ask any time he has questions. I honestly haven't found any books that shared enough info but not too much info; I am still searching.

 

I'm not really sure what to think about this anymore, with all the different descriptions.

 

It does sound like something needs to be addressed here, with a therapist.

 

I keep typing more & then erasing. I want to say something about the way you're describing your son looking at you but its not coming out right. I'm not sure if maybe you've made too much of his being curious & looking at you & it has gotten worse because its now a forbidden fruit.

 

I realize that every family is different & has different standards for privacy. However. I wouldn't think twice about my 9 year-old seeing me in the shower. He sometimes forgets & I just remind him "I'd like some privacy in the shower, you can wait until I'm done". He has seen me dress & sometimes looks, I issue similar reminders. It isn't a problem. My 5 year-old likes, really likes, my bOOks. I just remind him that ladies don't like to be stared at & my bOOks are my privates, just like him privates, etc. I think the curiosity is normal. You have to somehow satisfy it respectfully or they'll look for satisfaction elsewhere.

 

These are just my thoughts about that part of it.

[tntgoodwin]

FWIW, I have always been interested in girls, and never went through a "girls have cooties" stage. I remember having crushes even in Kindergarten. I wasn't abused or exposed to inappropriate things too early or walked in on my parents or anything like that.

 

Not saying this behavior (especially the watching you part) is acceptable and shouldn't be looked into. I am just saying that abuse or something similar doesn't necessarily have to be a factor, and I wouldn't automatically jump to that conclusion.

Edited October 10, 2012 by tntgoodwin

[TranquilMind]

As a mom of 4 boys(two of them teens) I was thinking the same thing.

 

Right. Someone has exposed him, either to videos, or maybe just talked to him about it. You need to figure out where.

 

Don't think it can't happen. My kid was playing with a neighbor kid who was only eight years old. Another neighbor kid came over and they got on the iPad that Dad had left lying around. Other kid pulled up some porn videos, which my kid (who was older) told them to turn off. Dad came over later with his child, who was really upset, to apologize that this happened, and said they were going to talk to the instigator right away.

 

It happens.

[Catwoman]

If my 10 year old was staring down my shirt I would be like wth! especially if I thought he was leering, kwim? I'm sorry, but based on your most recent post, this still doesnt sound normal at all. That said, I am the mother of only one 10 year old, and dont really know what the range of "normal" is for 10 year old boys. I think you should find a professional therapist immediately.

 

:iagree:

 

It sounds creepy to me. I mean, you're his MOM! :eek:

 

:grouphug:

 

I don't know if you are feeling this way, but I will share that, when my son was in need of professional help, at first I did a fair share of trying to find "another" way and "another" answer. I was minimizing because it was so darned scary.

 

I hope you can be brave enough to find him some help. What's the worst that can happen if you do? You are not going to give him too much information; neither will the Dr. You are not going to "trigger" anything by naming and defining it. You are not going to make it worse by acknowledging it and treating it.

 

Now ask yourself the "flipside" question--What's the worst that can happen if there is a real problem and you do not get him help?

 

You don't want that. Trust me.

 

It doesn't mean you have failed as a parent if your kid needs help. It may mean some tweaking in the parenting dept could be beneficial, but that is OK. It doesn't mean you have to give up your values. It doesn't mean he is ruined and you need to plunge into guilt.

 

Pls take the advice of the good people here and take him to see someone, even if it's just to rule out some stuff.

 

Please be brave enough.

 

:iagree:

 

Like many others here, I am confused about what really happened. In your first post, you described a child so addicted to p*rn that he'd sneak downstairs in the middle of the night to watch it, and who would try to sneak peeks at you in the shower. I mean, the title of this thread describes him as OBSESSED.

 

Now it's down to just a few incidents, and at least one involved anime cartoon characters. :confused:

 

I'm sorry, but there are so many inconsistencies that I'm not sure what to believe at this point.

 

PLEASE don't think I'm calling you a liar! I'm not!!! I just think you are trying to minimize the issue now, because people said that your ds has a real problem and you don't really want to accept that. It's scary when you post something, hoping people will say, "Oh, it's no big deal. All of my kids did that," and then everyone posts to tell you it's abnormal and scary and to bring the kid to a psychologist.

 

I get that. I really do.

 

I just truly think that, even when you've made it all sound as casual as possible, it still sounds like there's a real issue here.

 

I hope you're able to find a way to help your ds. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Edited October 11, 2012 by Catwoman

[Trish]

Plus, if you haven't been regularly checking his internet history, you don't really know how much of a problem this is. Catching him two years ago and having a talk doesn't mean things haven't happened since then. Getting up late at night to watch forbidden stuff on TV sounds like serious obsession/motivation. Sorry...I think you need to delve further into this with a professional, for the whole family's sake. :grouphug:

[GSOchristie]

My dh was exposed to porn at a very young age by slightly older neighborhood boys. One of these boys who was a few years older also had dh and a few other k/1st graders perform oral sex on him, he was 10 or 11. Dh had a huge problem with porn after that, up until college.

 

Our own son was playing just inside the woods, in my line of sight but slightly obscured by trees, with our 8 year old neighbor. He came home one night with the kid's bow and arrow. Just out of curiosity I asked if the kid had let him borrow it. He told dh and me (at the dinner table), "yeah, he told me if I pulled my pants and underwear down, he would let me take it home for the night." :0. The kid also told him to pull his pants up if I started to walk toward them. An 8 year old was manipulating my then 4 year old!

 

So, these things happen, even though it may seem far fetched.

[Catwoman]

Wow, Christie! :eek: What did you do when your 4yo told you what had happened?

[JenC3]

:confused::confused::001_huh:

 

Guess I'm confused as to why this was weird. I shared a story I knew of a young boy preoccupied with TEA and it turned out to be a success story after counseling. Oh well, my ds is ony 6 an is very modest so I don't have any experience with this.

[Farrar]

I guess I'm wondering if the OP is sexualizing the behavior... I mean, there have been times when my 8 yos touch me in places they shouldn't or are staring at something... but I always assume it's because they're not really body aware and flailing around a bit and are just occasionally spacey and aren't really looking at anything. I don't assume there's anything sexual about it.

 

Agreed with others who said that they would expect a 10 yo to know all the facts and to have things laid out for them already in an age-appropriate anatomical way.

 

Regardless, I hope whatever the issues really turn out to be - whether it's early puberty, an unhealthy obsession, an overly restrictive environment or what, that they get worked out.

[8circles]

I guess I'm wondering if the OP is sexualizing the behavior... I mean, there have been times when my 8 yos touch me in places they shouldn't or are staring at something... but I always assume it's because they're not really body aware and flailing around a bit and are just occasionally spacey and aren't really looking at anything. I don't assume there's anything sexual about it.

 

Agreed with others who said that they would expect a 10 yo to know all the facts and to have things laid out for them already in an age-appropriate anatomical way.

 

Regardless, I hope whatever the issues really turn out to be - whether it's early puberty, an unhealthy obsession, an overly restrictive environment or what, that they get worked out.

 

:iagree:

[GSOchristie]

Cried, not in front of him, but left the table and cried. It was just so creepy, it was like the kid wasn't just curious, like hey, you show me yours and I'll show you mine, but he was making Asher into a peep show:crying:. We were moving in just a few weeks, so I just didn't let him go outside and play anymore. But it was horrible! Asher didn't understand why I was cutting him off from his "best friend", and cried and threw tantrums. We tried to explain to him that friends shouldn't ask to see your private business in exchange for favors, but he was just too little to understand. Up to that point we were pretty free with nakedness, if Asher didn't want to wear clothes, we didn't make him (at home). He had no idea what modesty was, or that having your clothes off was at all inappropriate. So we started making him wear underwear at all times, to keep his private business private, to give him an idea that it shouldn't be on display for everyone.

 

In hindsight, I wish that I had gone to his mom. I am not a confrontational person, but I wonder now if he was being asked to show his private business in exchange for something. I could have given her a head's up. Our lives were just so crazy at that point I wasn't thinking straight. We had a newborn, a 19 month old and were in the middle of a move.

[itsheresomewhere]

Guess I'm confused as to why this was weird. I shared a story I knew of a young boy preoccupied with TEA and it turned out to be a success story after counseling. Oh well, my ds is ony 6 an is very modest so I don't have any experience with this.

 

If you noticed a few of us were confused and a little sad that the female in your story was made to be modest and commented. Men have control too. Your story put the blame/why men look on the woman.

[Catwoman]

Cried, not in front of him, but left the table and cried. It was just so creepy, it was like the kid wasn't just curious, like hey, you show me yours and I'll show you mine, but he was making Asher into a peep show:crying:. We were moving in just a few weeks, so I just didn't let him go outside and play anymore. But it was horrible! Asher didn't understand why I was cutting him off from his "best friend", and cried and threw tantrums. We tried to explain to him that friends shouldn't ask to see your private business in exchange for favors, but he was just too little to understand. Up to that point we were pretty free with nakedness, if Asher didn't want to wear clothes, we didn't make him (at home). He had no idea what modesty was, or that having your clothes off was at all inappropriate. So we started making him wear underwear at all times, to keep his private business private, to give him an idea that it shouldn't be on display for everyone.

 

In hindsight, I wish that I had gone to his mom. I am not a confrontational person, but I wonder now if he was being asked to show his private business in exchange for something. I could have given her a head's up. Our lives were just so crazy at that point I wasn't thinking straight. We had a newborn, a 19 month old and were in the middle of a move.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Hindsight is always 20/20. Sure, you should have gone to the mom, but with 3 little kids -- including a newborn -- and all of the stress of moving, you probably just didn't have the energy to get into a battle with the other kid's mom, whom you probably didn't even know very well.

 

Also, let's face it. Stuff like that is traumatic. You didn't expect something like that to happen and you were probably incredibly mortified and upset. Who wouldn't be? Add to that the fact that you probably hadn't had a decent night's sleep in at least 2 years, with pregnancies and babies, and really, who could blame you for not wanting to add any more stress to your life.

 

I'm sure if you'd been planning to remain in the neighborhood and weren't already preoccupied with a million other things, you would have gone right to the other mom and let her know what happened. As it was, you probably couldn't wait to get out of there and put it behind you, and not upset your ds about it. :grouphug:

[Mandylubug]

My dh was exposed to porn at a very young age by slightly older neighborhood boys. One of these boys who was a few years older also had dh and a few other k/1st graders perform oral sex on him, he was 10 or 11. Dh had a huge problem with porn after that, up until college.

 

Our own son was playing just inside the woods, in my line of sight but slightly obscured by trees, with our 8 year old neighbor. He came home one night with the kid's bow and arrow. Just out of curiosity I asked if the kid had let him borrow it. He told dh and me (at the dinner table), "yeah, he told me if I pulled my pants and underwear down, he would let me take it home for the night." :0. The kid also told him to pull his pants up if I started to walk toward them. An 8 year old was manipulating my then 4 year old!

 

So, these things happen, even though it may seem far fetched.

oh, my gosh! that is HORRIBLE! I can't imagine what I would have done in that scenario!

I guess I'm wondering if the OP is sexualizing the behavior... I mean, there have been times when my 8 yos touch me in places they shouldn't or are staring at something... but I always assume it's because they're not really body aware and flailing around a bit and are just occasionally spacey and aren't really looking at anything. I don't assume there's anything sexual about it.

 

Agreed with others who said that they would expect a 10 yo to know all the facts and to have things laid out for them already in an age-appropriate anatomical way.

 

Regardless, I hope whatever the issues really turn out to be - whether it's early puberty, an unhealthy obsession, an overly restrictive environment or what, that they get worked out.

 

I don't think I am sexualizing the behavior and it is hard to explain typing as well. I also want to state just because I clarified instances and redefined my tone does not mean I am now saying it is normal like some have stated. I just reread my original post yesterday and realized it came across stronger than it should have. We have decided to start journaling about his behavior being that we are already journaling about his adhd and medication effectiveness to review with a professional. We will just start making notations of all of his behavior for review.

 

I will state that we are a very restrictive household. I don't believe it is appropriate to see his mom nude, innocently or not. I am sure he doesn't know ALL the ins and outs of TeA and we don't regret that. We have had frank conversations with him about differences in anatomy, etc. We are searching for an anatomy book for him and I found a color me Gray's Anatomy that looks promising.

 

We did speak with him last night to find out WHY he went straight for live videos, etc.... his story (and I realize it can be half truths) is that he was on youtube looking up lego star wars videos (like they always beg to do when I am around) and he noticed on the side one that looked interesting.... it was an inappropriate video with a star wars light saber theme :confused: he then saw other videos to the right that grabbed his attention after that one and he clicked on it... he then proceeded to google and search the same topic online. After he went to bed, we pulled up the history and went to the sights and it looks as if it is the truth. He did watch an innocent video first.

 

We do check history frequently but not daily. Typically weekly or so whenever we think about it. There are times that he wakes up prior to us and we think that he is wanting to wake up prior to us to get away with computer usage (typically cartoon network games), watch cartoons before his siblings get to pick, food consumption, etc... So, we did make a new rule that they all must stay in their rooms until a parent is awake. We have codes on the tvs, other computers (and now that laptop) and xbox. Me and Dh have also spoken and I am going to make sure I get up early each morning with the goal of me rising before they do. We were giving them too much freedom in the mornings and they would be up before I would be since I was staying up till midnight waiting on DH to get in from work. The goal is that I rise before they do but if they awaken before me, they must remain in their rooms. This morning went smoothly and I was awake an hour prior to any of the kids.

[Chris in VA]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[deacongirl]

 

I will state that we are a very restrictive household. I don't believe it is appropriate to see his mom nude, innocently or not. I am sure he doesn't know ALL the ins and outs of TeA and we don't regret that. We have had frank conversations with him about differences in anatomy, etc. We are searching for an anatomy book for him and I found a color me Gray's Anatomy that looks promising.

 

.

 

Let me understand this. You know your kid has watched p#$n on the internet, but doesn't know the "ins and outs" of TeA? I think the ship has sailed. Who knows what all he has seen, but if you don't teach him the details, and that healthy sexuality is nothing to be ashamed about but that what he has seen is not healthy, he will have a very skewed perception of what is healthy and normal. I agree that whatever is going on a professional's guidance would be useful.

[Mandylubug]

Let me understand this. You know your kid has watched p#$n on the internet, but doesn't know the "ins and outs" of TeA? I think the ship has sailed. Who knows what all he has seen, but if you don't teach him the details, and that healthy sexuality is nothing to be ashamed about but that what he has seen is not healthy, he will have a very skewed perception of what is healthy and normal. I agree that whatever is going on a professional's guidance would be useful.

 

 

by ins and outs, I mean I don't think he understands what the action does. He doesn't know what m*ast**bation is, etc... he knows that tea is a physical act between a male and female that are typically married and somehow that is how babies are made but he doesn't know the technicalities.

[kiana]

by ins and outs, I mean I don't think he understands what the action does. He doesn't know what m*ast**bation is, etc... he knows that tea is a physical act between a male and female that are typically married and somehow that is how babies are made but he doesn't know the technicalities.

 

If he's watched it on the internet, he's SEEN the technicalities.

 

And he needs to know how regular people do it or else he'll think that what he's seen on the internet is how it's supposed to work.

[deacongirl]

by ins and outs, I mean I don't think he understands what the action does. He doesn't know what m*ast**bation is, etc... he knows that tea is a physical act between a male and female that are typically married and somehow that is how babies are made but he doesn't know the technicalities.

 

Maybe it is time for him to learn the technicalities. Part of his obsession/curiousity whatever you want to call it may be because he is ready for the details, and if he doesn't get the accurate ones from you he may be tempted to look for the answers elsewhere.

[Matryoshka]

by ins and outs, I mean I don't think he understands what the action does. He doesn't know what m*ast**bation is, etc... he knows that tea is a physical act between a male and female that are typically married and somehow that is how babies are made but he doesn't know the technicalities.

 

I think people are confused because you said he watched p*rn. That means like "Debbie Does Dallas". Like close-ups of the act, and the entire film is just nekkid people going at it. If he has watched that, he probably knows more than I do. :tongue_smilie:

 

If by p*rn you meant anime with large-chested women or R-rated movies with a couple of s*x scenes in the whole movie and people under the covers, then that is not what other people understand by that term.

 

Your first posts imply the first, your later posts imply the second. Which is it? Has he watched p*rn or just "inappropriate" movies? Those are two entirely different things.

[Embassy]

by ins and outs, I mean I don't think he understands what the action does. He doesn't know what m*ast**bation is, etc... he knows that tea is a physical act between a male and female that are typically married and somehow that is how babies are made but he doesn't know the technicalities.

 

I think you should start with a thorough education on tea. Make sure he doesn't just understand anatomical differences, but understands what happens during the act and how babies are made. Also a thorough discussion on normal behavior vs. what he has seen is necessary.