TeA education when a boy is obsessed?

[Mandylubug]

I am stuck. My son is obsessed with TeA. Has been for about two years or more now. I have had a frank conversation with him within the past two years. Caught him watching inappropriate movies on netflix and tv while we were still asleep in the mornings.. so we took away his cable in his room, put codes on all the others. We put passcodes on the computers in the house, etc...

 

We have one school laptop that doesn't have a code for the kid access account but it is so slow and it doesn't work with battery alone, I haven't put any filtering software on it. Not to mention, I thought after the LAST huge blow up we were past this. I told him to ask questions if he had any but it was NOT appropriate for him to be viewing these videos, etc...Its been probably a 8 months or so since we have caught him doing anything inappropriate on a computer and we have been monitoring the history randomly.

 

Well, my DH just got up because he heard something and if he isn't on the laptop viewing "live videos"

 

I can't decide if it is curiousity still. We haven't done a formal curriculum and I am considering it but I don't want to fuel his bad behavior as well. I suppose I am going to have to start locking up that laptop as well, and getting up earlier than everyone else just to keep an eye on him.

 

I will state that we just started on ADHD meds to help with his impulses.. and he does behave better while on the pill during the day, but.. I just can't categorize this with his adhd?!?!?! I am at a loss.

[butterflymommy]

Is your sig up to date? Because 9/10 is pretty young for being tea obsessed. Are you certain he hasn't been sexually abused (including peer abuse)? If he is so determined at such a young age to be watching hardcore videos I might consider counseling IF you have a therapist you trust and are comfortable with. I would also end all internet access, period.

 

Also, if he is so obsessed it's possible he's exposed his brother or peers to porn and he might be at risk of committing peer abuse himself. So I would definitely address this and make sure he understands boundaries, consent, etc..

[Joanne]

What other behaviors show obsession with sex?

 

Early or young exposure to visual images regarding sex (usually in the form of porn) changes the brain of a child from a physiological standpoint. The brain *literally* changes due to the excitement, overwhelming images without mature context, and chemicals. It often develops along the lines of addiction.

 

If this is what has happened, you are not in the realm of dealing with "normal" concerns and natural, organic conversations.

 

Sometimes obession with sex at those ages points to having been violated (beyond early exposure to inappropriate images). I am not saying this has happened, but I *am* encouraging you to not dismiss the possibility easily.

[clarkacademy]

Is your sig up to date? Because 9/10 is pretty young for being tea obsessed. Are you certain he hasn't been sexually abused (including peer abuse)? If he is so determined at such a young age to be watching hardcore videos I might consider counseling IF you have a therapist you trust and are comfortable with. I would also end all internet access, period.

 

Also, if he is so obsessed it's possible he's exposed his brother or peers to porn and he might be at risk of committing peer abuse himself. So I would definitely address this and make sure he understands boundaries, consent, etc..

 

I was thinking some of the same things. Where would a 10 year old even get the idea to look up stuff like that? Where would he have even learned about it to look it up?

[Chris in VA]

What other behaviors show obsession with sex?

 

Early or young exposure to visual images regarding sex (usually in the form of porn) changes the brain of a child from a physiological standpoint. The brain *literally* changes due to the excitement, overwhelming images without mature context, and chemicals. It often develops along the lines of addiction.

 

If this is what has happened, you are not in the realm of dealing with "normal" concerns and natural, organic conversations.

 

Sometimes obession with sex at those ages points to having been violated (beyond early exposure to inappropriate images). I am not saying this has happened, but I *am* encouraging you to not dismiss the possibility easily.

 

:iagree: 100%. I'm so glad you weighed in on this thread, Joanne.

[FaithManor]

What other behaviors show obsession with sex?

 

Early or young exposure to visual images regarding sex (usually in the form of porn) changes the brain of a child from a physiological standpoint. The brain *literally* changes due to the excitement, overwhelming images without mature context, and chemicals. It often develops along the lines of addiction.

 

If this is what has happened, you are not in the realm of dealing with "normal" concerns and natural, organic conversations.

 

Sometimes obession with sex at those ages points to having been violated (beyond early exposure to inappropriate images). I am not saying this has happened, but I *am* encouraging you to not dismiss the possibility easily.

 

 

Joanne, you can't see me but I'm waving at you from my computer! You are a gem and so wise with this counsel. Spot.on.

 

OP, I think there are some red flags here that need to be addressed on a professional level.

 

Faith

[Remudamom]

That goes beyond "curiosity" and is moving into addiction.

[speedmom4]

:grouphug:

 

I agree with other comments. This sounds quite serious. I have a ten-year-old ds and he doesn't have the slightest interest in TeA. I would definitely get a professional involved.

 

God Bless,

Elise in NC

[deacongirl]

I agree with Joanne, and think it would make sense to get some professional guidance. Because if all he knows has been from the internet, he will have a very warped view. In addition to exploring if there may be more going on I think he needs some explicit age-appropriate instruction on healthy sexuality and on why what he has been watching is dehumanizing and demeaning to men and women. He might not ask questions, I think he needs you to be pro-active.

[Mandylubug]

The other instances have been him sneaking in to watch me shower or change.. I lock my door now. He would be caught staring at my chest if I had low cut tops, etc. even three or four years ago. He has just always been curious.

 

Then I suppose the past two years we found out he was searching for movies on netflix and watching inappropriate tv. Also, we learned via the computer history that he had searched out tea videos.... I had the frank convo then, took away internet, tv, etc... and it has been about 8 or so months atleast perhaps longer. Long enough for me to think that he was past the curiosity of it.

 

I don't think there has ever been any abuse. We have homeschooled for the past two years and I never let him go to peoples homes that we don't know very well. When we lived out of state, he never went anywhere without a parent present.

[deacongirl]

But where would he get the idea to search for these movies? Even if you know people very well, I would be carefully considering what he has been exposed to when not in your presence.

[Mandylubug]

I worry about the behavior being more than normal curiousity as well. DH says he saw po** magazines at a younger age and was just as obsessed. My MIL said that she even had to go in for a teacher conference when he was in third or fourth grade because he drew a picture with full bOOks clearly drawn on a test paper. She laughs now like it was nothing but I would be mortified if my kids did that.

 

Me and DH clash on the opinion of how to move forward. He says its just a behavioral issue compounded with curiousity... I'm not so sure and tend to lean toward everyone else's opinion that it isn't normal.

[Mandylubug]

But where would he get the idea to search for these movies? Even if you know people very well, I would be carefully considering what he has been exposed to when not in your presence.

 

the ONLY instance that I know of was three years ago, he was playing tag with a girl at school. She said to the boys she was playing with, that whomever she tagged last would be her "mate"... that is the only time that he has said someone said something odd, etc.. and this little girl was in 2nd grade.

 

The only other instance was us earlier this year messing around REALLY early one morning (think 4am), door locked, but when Dh went into the kitchen, he was on the sofa wide awake and watching t.v.... so he could have heard us but not seen anything?!

[2squared]

:grouphug: This certainly isn't age-appropriate behavior. Regardless of the trigger, it sounds like he clearly needs professional help at this point. This is beyond needing sex education or stricter boundaries.

 

My 8yo wouldn't have a clue that those type of videos exist. He thinks girls have cooties, and only worthwhile girls play sports.

 

My 6yo is going through a curiosity stage regarding my body (as did my first two at this age), but he doesn't sneak around or make me feel uncomfortable.

 

It's not normal to need to lock your door when changing your clothes in your own house.

[delaney]

I was thinking some of the same things. Where would a 10 year old even get the idea to look up stuff like that? Where would he have even learned about it to look it up?

 

As a mom of 4 boys(two of them teens) I was thinking the same thing.

[2squared]

the ONLY instance that I know of was three years ago, he was playing tag with a girl at school. She said to the boys she was playing with, that whomever she tagged last would be here "mate"... that is the only time that he has said someone said something odd, etc.. and this little girl was in 2nd grade.

 

I could definitely see my 6yo saying something similar. He is an animal lover, and he devours animal documentaries. Fighting for mates is a common theme on nearly every documentary I've watched with him. He hasn't acted anything like that out yet, but I wouldn't be shocked if he did.

[StartingOver]

This is not age appropriate behavior. As someone who was abused by someone in my own family ( not immediate, but someone my parents trusted) starting at the age of 4, please look into this. :grouphug:

[Mandylubug]

This is not age appropriate behavior. As someone who was abused by someone in my own family ( not immediate, but someone my parents trusted) starting at the age of 4, please look into this. :grouphug:

 

 

we will definitely have a conversation with him and ask why or how he got the idea to search for it to begin with. We have asked before, but I will ask again.

 

When he first watched the movies on netflix, he said he was just browsing and saw them on there. You know how netflix has all the categories, etc... this was before the separation of netflix for kids, etc...

[Mandylubug]

My 10 year old is pretty smart. He picks up on every little thing. He spends a lot of time on-line. He has never looked for porn. I make him sit in a public area with his laptop, but for awhile he was sitting in his room with the door closed. After awhile I just didn't feel comfortable with that. I was wondering what he was doing in his room with his laptop. So after snooping around I discovered he was recording himself talking about a video game. I asked him why he was doing that in his room and he said his brother kept interrupting him.

 

I really don't think this sounds normal. And forgive me for suggesting it, but since your husband is so not concerned and even defending it, could he have shown stuff to your son? KWIM?

 

no, my husband is not ever alone with him for one thing. He works till midnight, I always wait up and go to bed when he does... He sleeps late, I get up with the kids. He goes to college full time, works atleast one off day a week, etc... so, even if I was concerned my DH could have shown these videos, no he hasn't had the opportunity. Not to mention it is DH that brought the history of videos up to my awareness this morning. He is concerned with his behavior. He just thinks its within normal curiousity and bad behavior. He isn't saying it is ok.

[Remudamom]

A little boy in the daycare where I worked was displaying inappropriate behavior. We were quite worried about abuse, but I think in the end someone in authority decided he had seen a parental teA session. It was a big problem at the school and we had to make sure he was always within an adult's sight.

[StartingOver]

we will definitely have a conversation with him and ask why or how he got the idea to search for it to begin with. We have asked before, but I will ask again.

 

When he first watched the movies on netflix, he said he was just browsing and saw them on there. You know how netflix has all the categories, etc... this was before the separation of netflix for kids, etc...

 

I did not tell my parents until years later. But I did tell others, I would suggest that you have him talk to someone else.

 

My parents knew something was wrong, but they never knew what. When I told my father he didn't believe me. This was the one person on earth, outside of our immediate family that he trusted.

[Juniper]

I am with the others on looking more into this. MAinly, because I think counseling will provide you and your dh with the tools needed to navigate these waters.

 

They can give you resources, perspectives and help in dealing and managing these types of behaviors. The biggest issue is helping your child be able to manage his own impulses and regain a healthy sexuality.

 

:grouphug:

[Katy]

I wouldn't leap to the conclusion that there has been abuse involved, though it is possible. I think it's probable that he stumbled upon *pron* or overheard some other kids talking about teA (I remember kids talking about it, and showing their Dad's stashes of magazines when I was 8. I can't imagine things have gotten better since kids got access to internet phones).

 

He has probably also been exposed to advertising that makes it seem like on of the most important and powerful things in the world. He's not going to get less curious by refusing to have the talk. My parents had the talk with me when I was 9, complete with "I hope you wait, but if you choose not to you MUST be responsible so here's how you use multiple forms of birth control." It took the mystery and rebellion aspects away from it, and made it my choice, and I could see that the best thing to do was wait so I did.

 

Give him a couple books that you approve of on the topic, and while you're at it talk about safety, boundaries, and what is *NEVER* appropriate: IE: ILLEGAL behavior (peeping and leering and ages of consent included); and what your family's values are. Also discuss safety and abuse. See what happens. Chances are it's pure curiosity, but if you approach the conversation with your eyes wide open, you'll probably be able to discern if some abuse has happened, whether it's a comment from him or something else that feels off.

 

btw: I would NOT skip the talk, I've known too many pastor's kids who end up pregnant in their EARLY teens because their parents thought refusing to give them any information would keep them from being curious. What happened instead is that they got ALL their information from other kids, and almost all of it was wrong, and ALL of it flat-out contradicted their family's values.

[trlt]

I am with the others on looking more into this. MAinly, because I think counseling will provide you and your dh with the tools needed to navigate these waters.

 

They can give you resources, perspectives and help in dealing and managing these types of behaviors. The biggest issue is helping your child be able to manage his own impulses and regain a healthy sexuality.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree: I have two boys and what you are describing your son doing wasn't even on their radar at that age. I think counseling will provide an environment to find out what is going on and why your son is doing it.

[DianeW88]

His behavior is neither normal nor age appropriate.

 

I have two sons. One is now 22 and the other is 11. My 22 year old never went through anything like that, and my 11 year old squirms uncomfortably when we discuss sex and says that girls are "gross", and he's not interested in doing THAT...ever.

 

What you are describing coming from a child even younger than 11 is alarming and disturbing. He needs to be seen and evaluated by a professional.

[Parrothead]

If he was in public school for any length of time I wouldn't automatically jump to abuse. Sex is out of control in public (and even private) schools. Boyfriend/girlfriends are talked about by K'ers. Second graders get suspended for $ex in class. Middle schoolers have $ex in bathrooms. Teachers have sex with students.

 

It is too easy and too accessible - even if it isn't live. Kids have always snuck their father/brother/uncle's magazines out of the house to show their friends.

 

Get your kid some professional help for whatever it is he saw.

[Quad Shot Academy]

:grouphug: Passport to Purity is a great program for "the talk", it also includes a lot about why kids should wait until older to get involved with opposite sex and about the dangers of p*rn.

[AnIslandGirl]

If your son looking at you makes you uncomortable, then please watch your daughters as well. Make sure they know that it is NOT OK for their brother to look at or touch them in an inappropriate way, and to make sure that they tell you if anything "feels weird" at all! Let them know it is OK to lock the bathroom and bedroom doors.

I agree to get your son professional help as soon as possible. This is certainly not age appropriate behavior.

[kiana]

If your son looking at you makes you uncomortable, then please watch your daughters as well. Make sure they know that it is NOT OK for their brother to look at or touch them in an inappropriate way, and to make sure that they tell you if anything "feels weird" at all! Let them know it is OK to lock the bathroom and bedroom doors.

I agree to get your son professional help as soon as possible. This is certainly not age appropriate behavior.

 

Yeah. And if he's sneaking to watch you, is he sneaking to watch dds? There's something here that has my hair standing on end.

[Sahamamama]

Is your sig up to date? Because 9/10 is pretty young for being tea obsessed. Are you certain he hasn't been sexually abused (including peer abuse)? If he is so determined at such a young age to be watching hardcore videos I might consider counseling IF you have a therapist you trust and are comfortable with. I would also end all internet access, period.

 

Also, if he is so obsessed it's possible he's exposed his brother or peers to porn and he might be at risk of committing peer abuse himself. So I would definitely address this and make sure he understands boundaries, consent, etc..

:iagree:All of this was my first thought. Perhaps he has been exposed to porn and/or abuse, in some form or other. He is possibly searching for more information, in order to make sense of what may have happened to him and/or what he has seen.

[MeaganS]

I'd be worried. I know several men who became addicted to pornography at about that age. It never went away, and it has been very hard for them to get over it. The younger they start, the more it influences their brain development. I would be having regular, frank talks and putting very strict rules in place.

[Laurie4b]

I wouldn't leap to the conclusion that there has been abuse involved, though it is possible. I think it's probable that he stumbled upon *pron* or overheard some other kids talking about teA (I remember kids talking about it, and showing their Dad's stashes of magazines when I was 8. I can't imagine things have gotten better since kids got access to internet phones).

 

He has probably also been exposed to advertising that makes it seem like on of the most important and powerful things in the world. He's not going to get less curious by refusing to have the talk. My parents had the talk with me when I was 9, complete with "I hope you wait, but if you choose not to you MUST be responsible so here's how you use multiple forms of birth control." It took the mystery and rebellion aspects away from it, and made it my choice, and I could see that the best thing to do was wait so I did.

 

Give him a couple books that you approve of on the topic, and while you're at it talk about safety, boundaries, and what is *NEVER* appropriate: IE: ILLEGAL behavior (peeping and leering and ages of consent included); and what your family's values are. Also discuss safety and abuse. See what happens. Chances are it's pure curiosity, but if you approach the conversation with your eyes wide open, you'll probably be able to discern if some abuse has happened, whether it's a comment from him or something else that feels off.

 

btw: I would NOT skip the talk, I've known too many pastor's kids who end up pregnant in their EARLY teens because their parents thought refusing to give them any information would keep them from being curious. What happened instead is that they got ALL their information from other kids, and almost all of it was wrong, and ALL of it flat-out contradicted their family's values.

 

:iagree: Although I would not totally rule out abuse, the internet makes it SO easy to stumble on something.

 

I also remember a young relative showing me her father's stash of Playboy magazines. I would guess that we were in early to mid-elementary school. We were both fascinated. We eventually got caught....but what if they hadn't been hard-copy and had been on the internet? I know I would have been tempted to go look for more of the same. So I think that is a plausible start to it. I have googled the most innoucuous things on google image and come up with p-rn images.

 

I do NOT think that if this started 2 years ago that you're going to get anywhere by asking him again now how this started. It's going to trigger defensiveness about his current behavior and won't give you info about whether he was sexually traumatized in some way back then. Additionally, you don't want shame attached to this. It fuels the addictive cycle. It's too late for a swift consequence to knock it out. You need to approach it more as his ally. DO do things that prevent him from accessing it, but get professional help on how to react.

 

I would be very, very concerned about the addictive elements of this and the brain changes that accompany them. Look carefully for a therapist with some experience in dealing with this. I don't think it's a DIY at age 10 after 2 years of this. Perhaps your dh is thinking of his own experience, which was with hard copy. You might speak to him about how much more of an impact actual viewing of p-rn would have. It won't take a long internet search to come up with research on effects on the brain of early exposure to porn on the internet.

 

I would not assume that you know the whole history of this. You just know about what you've caught. For instance, if he is watching You tube videos, it will not necessarily look to you like p-rn should you come across it in the history. I would instead assume are only catching him periodically and there has been more of it than you think. That's one reason why I would want an evaluation done. The availability of internet p-rn is a total game-changer. It is SO hard as a parent to keep them away from it. I would say close to impossible. They have to learn to steer themselves away from it.

 

It also sounds like a sleep study would be a good idea. He seems to be awake at odd times.

[Dmmetler]

This is probably not what the OP needs (it sounds like her DS wouldn't be a good fit for a group class at this point), but if you have a UU church near you, they offer a program called OWL-Our Whole Lives that's a very direct, frank, TeA-ed class, divided into age/developmental groups, that's very focused on developing an understanding and respect of the body, and making decisions based on that understanding that are best for you. It isn't whitewashed or glossed over-particularly not in the middle school and teen years (it will include information about a wide range of flavors, for example), but I suspect it's more effective than the "good girls don't do that" message that I got growing up.

[KungFuPanda]

I'm not saying this isn't concerning, or that you shouldn't stay on top of it, but a close friend's daughter was more than averagely curios at that age. She behaved in ways none of her siblings had and stumbled upon things she should not have seen online. Both parents had a series of serious talks with her to clear-up the differences between normal, healthy s-x and p*rn. They also restricted Internet usage; something they never had to do with the oth

er children. (With the others, they monitored, but with this child the monitoring turned up adult sites.)

 

For this child, it was a phase that passed. She'd be mortified to talk about it now at 16.

[Joanne]

I'd be worried. I know several men who became addicted to pornography at about that age. It never went away, and it has been very hard for them to get over it. The younger they start, the more it influences their brain development. I would be having regular, frank talks and putting very strict rules in place.

 

Yes, they became addicted because developing brains are more vulnerable to addiction, and this is especially so with porn at early ages.

 

See below:

 

: It's going to trigger defensiveness about his current behavior and won't give you info about whether he was sexually traumatized in some way back then. Additionally, you don't want shame attached to this. It fuels the addictive cycle. It's too late for a swift consequence to knock it out. You need to approach it more as his ally. DO do things that prevent him from accessing it, but get professional help on how to react.

 

I would be very, very concerned about the addictive elements of this and the brain changes that accompany them. .

 

:iagree:

 

OP, your DH's perspective on this is dangerous for your son and family. Your son's needs have been at clinical levels for a while. This is not a fix it without professional help.

 

Again, this is not curiosity, normal boy, early hormones, or simply a more sex-interested kid. Those kids exist. This is NOT one of them.

[Laurie4b]

I wouldn't leap to the conclusion that there has been abuse involved, though it is possible. I think it's probable that he stumbled upon *pron* or overheard some other kids talking about teA (I remember kids talking about it, and showing their Dad's stashes of magazines when I was 8. I can't imagine things have gotten better since kids got access to internet phones).

 

He has probably also been exposed to advertising that makes it seem like on of the most important and powerful things in the world. He's not going to get less curious by refusing to have the talk. My parents had the talk with me when I was 9, complete with "I hope you wait, but if you choose not to you MUST be responsible so here's how you use multiple forms of birth control." It took the mystery and rebellion aspects away from it, and made it my choice, and I could see that the best thing to do was wait so I did.

 

Give him a couple books that you approve of on the topic, and while you're at it talk about safety, boundaries, and what is *NEVER* appropriate: IE: ILLEGAL behavior (peeping and leering and ages of consent included); and what your family's values are. Also discuss safety and abuse. See what happens. Chances are it's pure curiosity, but if you approach the conversation with your eyes wide open, you'll probably be able to discern if some abuse has happened, whether it's a comment from him or something else that feels off.

 

btw: I would NOT skip the talk, I've known too many pastor's kids who end up pregnant in their EARLY teens because their parents thought refusing to give them any information would keep them from being curious. What happened instead is that they got ALL their information from other kids, and almost all of it was wrong, and ALL of it flat-out contradicted their family's values.

 

:iagree: Although I would not totally rule out abuse, the internet makes it SO easy to stumble on something.

 

I also remember a young relative showing me her father's stash of Playboy magazines. I would guess that we were in early to mid-elementary school. We were both fascinated. We eventually got caught....but what if they hadn't been hard-copy and had been on the internet? I know I would have been tempted to go look for more of the same. So I think that is a plausible start to it. I have googled the most innoucuous things on google image and come up with p-rn images.

 

I do NOT think that if this started 2 years ago that you're going to get anywhere by asking him again now how this started. It's going to trigger defensiveness about his current behavior and won't give you info about whether he was sexually traumatized in some way back then. Additionally, you don't want shame attached to this. It fuels the addictive cycle. It's too late for a swift consequence to knock it out. You need to approach it more as his ally. DO do things that prevent him from accessing it, but get professional help on how to react.

 

If you are concerned about previous trauma, first of all get him to a therapist. If you want to ask about it, don't ask in connection with the p--rn viewing. The Boy Scouts have very good info on sexual abuse. You could see if you can get hold of their DVDs. Show him the movies and then talk about it. Or tell a story about a kid who had someone touch him in a way that "made him uncomfortable" (use that phrase--it's nice and vague for one thing and for another, "uncomfortable" is a big enough umbrella word to cover the various feelings an abuse victim might have. We can't guess how any one individual might feel. ) and about how he was reluctant to tell his parents because he was afraid they'd be upset (don't say mad and don't say upset with whom) and when he did tell, he felt so much better. Just tell the story and don't pry afterwards. Or if you don't want to tell a story, just mention that sometimes kids get touched by others in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable, but a lot of those kids are afraid to tell their parents because their parents might get upset, which is a shame because the ones who do decide to tell their parents feel a lot better about it. Again, don't make the remark pointedly. I would say it to both children... and more than once.

 

I would be very, very concerned about the addictive elements of this and the brain changes that accompany them. Look carefully for a therapist with some experience in dealing with this. I don't think it's a DIY at age 10 after 2 years of this. Perhaps your dh is thinking of his own experience, which was with hard copy. You might speak to him about how much more of an impact actual viewing of p-rn would have. It won't take a long internet search to come up with research on effects on the brain of early exposure to porn on the internet.

 

I would not assume that you know the whole history of this. You just know about what you've caught. For instance, if he is watching You tube videos, it will not necessarily look to you like p-rn should you come across it in the history. I would instead assume are only catching him periodically and there has been more of it than you think. That's one reason why I would want an evaluation done. The availability of internet p-rn is a total game-changer. It is SO hard as a parent to keep them away from it. I would say close to impossible. They have to learn to steer themselves away from it. Aside from the TV and computers, they can get it on phones. Their friends are all in the same position.

 

 

It also sounds like a sleep study would be a good idea. He seems to be awake at odd times.

Edited October 10, 2012 by Laurie4b

[Denisemomof4]

Joanne, you can't see me but I'm waving at you from my computer! You are a gem and so wise with this counsel. Spot.on.

 

OP, I think there are some red flags here that need to be addressed on a professional level.

 

Faith

 

:iagree:

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

:iagree: Although I would not totally rule out abuse, the internet makes it SO easy to stumble on something.

 

I also remember a young relative showing me her father's stash of Playboy magazines. I would guess that we were in early to mid-elementary school. We were both fascinated. We eventually got caught....but what if they hadn't been hard-copy and had been on the internet? I know I would have been tempted to go look for more of the same. So I think that is a plausible start to it. I have googled the most innoucuous things on google image and come up with p-rn images.

 

I do NOT think that if this started 2 years ago that you're going to get anywhere by asking him again now how this started. It's going to trigger defensiveness about his current behavior and won't give you info about whether he was sexually traumatized in some way back then. Additionally, you don't want shame attached to this. It fuels the addictive cycle. It's too late for a swift consequence to knock it out. You need to approach it more as his ally. DO do things that prevent him from accessing it, but get professional help on how to react.

 

I would be very, very concerned about the addictive elements of this and the brain changes that accompany them. Look carefully for a therapist with some experience in dealing with this. I don't think it's a DIY at age 10 after 2 years of this. Perhaps your dh is thinking of his own experience, which was with hard copy. You might speak to him about how much more of an impact actual viewing of p-rn would have. It won't take a long internet search to come up with research on effects on the brain of early exposure to porn on the internet.

 

I would not assume that you know the whole history of this. You just know about what you've caught. For instance, if he is watching You tube videos, it will not necessarily look to you like p-rn should you come across it in the history. I would instead assume are only catching him periodically and there has been more of it than you think. That's one reason why I would want an evaluation done. The availability of internet p-rn is a total game-changer. It is SO hard as a parent to keep them away from it. I would say close to impossible. They have to learn to steer themselves away from it.

 

It also sounds like a sleep study would be a good idea. He seems to be awake at odd times.

 

:iagree: with all of what Laurie's saying. I have a similar young childhood story, and my partner in "crime" was a young male cousin. Neither of us was abused, but he did have older brothers and came from a family where looking at that stuff was "what men did." So that filtered down and over.

 

That said, yes, I agree I'd get some professional help with this for awhile.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Kathryn]

I will echo that you need professional help here. There are addiction issues and boundary issues that MUST be addressed and from personal experience, I'd be extremely worried about abuse (whether it be physical or just showing materials or both). The men I know who were exposed to porn at young ages did not end up sexually healthy. :grouphug:

[amy g.]

I agree with the previous posters, but I would go even farther, by also getting rid of Netflix, cable and Internet to the house as well as smart phones for minors.

 

My kids know that the very FIRST time they abuse their Internet privileges, there will be no more wifi in the house.

 

I will drive them to the library for schoolwork, and stand behind their shoulder the entire time.

 

If one of my kids developed a drinking problem, I would never keep alcohol in the house. How is Internet access different?

 

Sure they can find it somewhere else, but it won't be in my house, and I won't be paying for it.

[2squared]

If your dh has differing opinions, I would start with a routine DR check-up. Perhaps having these concerns come from a DR would be different?

[Catwoman]

Mandy, you have already received a lot of great advice, and I don't have anything else to add except that I wanted to send you some :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I don't blame you for being very worried about this. It seems like it's way beyond normal curiosity -- and after you mentioned having to lock the door when you shower, it concerned me even more.

 

What does he say when you calmly ask him why he does these things (sneak to watch the videos, etc?)

[butterflymommy]

If he's "stalking" you and watching you in the shower you need to be very concerned for your younger daughters. He may not fully understand that something like that is illegal (peeping), so you need to explain this to him, along with consent, no touching others, boundaries. I would seek out professional help if there is any you can trust and afford.

[Cindyz]

If you feel that he's watching pornography you could try these videos. They are called "Things You Didn't Know About Porn". They are made for preteen boys. Basically the videos talk about the fact that when you watch too much porn, your brain becomes programmed for it and you have no motivation to go out and find real girls and learn how to have real relationships. It's not shaming, it's based on science and facts about how brains grow and develop.

 

Of course what he's going through is very normal and there are appropriate outlets. You just have to help him find them.

 

 

Part I:

 

 

Part II:

 

 

Part III:

 

[Mergath]

If he was in public school for any length of time I wouldn't automatically jump to abuse. Sex is out of control in public (and even private) schools. Boyfriend/girlfriends are talked about by K'ers. Second graders get suspended for $ex in class. Middle schoolers have $ex in bathrooms. Teachers have sex with students.

 

It is too easy and too accessible - even if it isn't live. Kids have always snuck their father/brother/uncle's magazines out of the house to show their friends.

 

Get your kid some professional help for whatever it is he saw.

 

:iagree: This past weekend I watched a friend's kids while she was at work, and her dd, a preschooler, spent the entire day telling me about her boyfriends. :blink:

 

No, it's not normal, but abuse isn't a given in situations like this, either. Kids start talking about this stuff waaaay earlier than I ever did. Which is why some days I'd like to send dd to live on a bubble-enclosed deserted island until she's eighteen. :glare:

 

I do agree that counseling would be extremely beneficial in this situation, though.

[Element]

My 10 year old is pretty smart. He picks up on every little thing. He spends a lot of time on-line. He has never looked for porn. I make him sit in a public area with his laptop, but for awhile he was sitting in his room with the door closed. After awhile I just didn't feel comfortable with that. I was wondering what he was doing in his room with his laptop. So after snooping around I discovered he was recording himself talking about a video game. I asked him why he was doing that in his room and he said his brother kept interrupting him.

 

I really don't think this sounds normal. And forgive me for suggesting it, but since your husband is so not concerned and even defending it, could he have shown stuff to your son? KWIM?

 

This is what I was thinking as well, although dad probably isn't even aware. The only boys I've known for whom this was an issue *at that age* had found dad's "stash" and both went on to have lifelong problems in this area. OP: :grouphug: :grouphug: and I really hope you seek professional help for your son, regardless of whether or not you have dh's support.

Edited October 10, 2012 by Element
clarification

[Denisemomof4]

Mandy, i just want to add that I have mistakenly opened up pure FILTH while doing searches on the internet. I was scarred when 16 years ago I did a search for wallpaper borders. :svengo: i now have better skills and read the info I can see before clicking on the link. Many kids not only don't do this, but would want to peek inside out of curiosity.

 

He is so young. I suspect helping him now would yield tremendous results.

 

I would absolutely take away all temptations. Make sure he is npt ABLE to access any of this stuff.

[Mélie]

Is he showing any signs of precocious puberty? While it wouldn't excuse his behavior, it might explain at least a portion of it. Being several years ahead physically, but not mentally could cause problems like this. I would make an appointment with your family doctor, as well as with a counselor. :grouphug:

[JenC3]

I have a friend whose son has been VERY aware of women an their bodies from a young age. His father was also this way. He also had poblems with excessive master$&@%#^.

They enlisted a Christian counselor and with lots of work helped him gain self-control and understand this objectified women. He has sisters who he loves dearly and he is an AMAZING sweet youngteen who still has to monitor himself. My friend's 18 yr old niece was staying with them this summer and she made sure to remind her to dress modestly. Sometimes, for some people visual stimulation is very overwhelming. This seems like an issue of self-control and you will have to play a huge part in his overcoming this temptation. He is not sexually deviant...yet. Left unchecked this could be a big problem for him.

[Joanne]

I have a friend whose son has been VERY aware of women an their bodies from a young age. His father was also this way. He also had poblems with excessive master$&@%#^.

They enlisted a Christian counselor and with lots of work helped him gain self-control and understand this objectified women. He has sisters who he loves dearly and he is an AMAZING sweet youngteen who still has to monitor himself. My friend's 18 yr old niece was staying with them this summer and she made sure to remind her to dress modestly. Sometimes, for some people visual stimulation is very overwhelming. This seems like an issue of self-control and you will have to play a huge part in his overcoming this temptation. He is not sexually deviant...yet. Left unchecked this could be a big problem for him.

 

:confused::001_huh::glare: