Plucky Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 I would love it if my kids married and decided to take up residence with us. We could all work less, save more, and there would be less childcare worries. However, I lived with both my parents & in-laws when we were young marrieds and it wasn't fun. Now it was also a temporary things with all of us knowing that. I wouldn't want my kids and spouses living with us if they didn't want to. I would like to think living with us would be more pleasant than our experiences with our parents. But we also grew closer being in our own place. Is this just not a concept most Americans can grasp? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Absolutely not. :tongue_smilie: I see a lot of parents overstepping bounds when their adult children live with them, and it drives me insane. We lived with my ILs for a period of time when we first moved, and it was a little annoying (fil saying things like, 'if it is in this house, it's mine' - I think he ws joking but it made me so mad at the time! No, the things WE bought are NOT yours! :lol: ). Now I have a good friend who lives with her ILs while they are saving for a down payment on a house. The parents are consistently invading their privacy (and before you assume I'm only getting one side of this, trust me, I know her ILs just as well as I know her), walking into the downstairs apartment area where they are living without warning, saying things like 'we are working with (grand kid, age 2) on that'.... Uh, no, his parents are working with him in that. You are not his parents. :glare: They have also been known to call in the evening to see where they are and when they are coming home (they aren't babysitting or anything - the whole family will be out and the ILs will call them to see where they are :001_huh: ) or they will but them about what they were doing when they go somewhere on a Saturday. (They went to the pumpkin patch or something, then went to visit someone, and the following day the ILs were like 'where were you guys all day? We really missed you guys... We just really like it when the while family is just here on the weekends.'). Not gonna lie, that is a gross overstepping of bounds, and kind of creeps me out. I don't think ILs have the right to assume they a part of the nuclear 'family' with an adult kids, and it bugs me when I see them do so. My ILs aren't my family in that sense - extended family, yes, but the only way I would ever be able to cohabitate with them - or anyone else outside my dh and kids, for that matter - is in separate wings of a huge house, separate kitchen and everything, with great locks on the doors and I don't have to actually see them on a regular basis. Ahem.... :rant: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 (edited) You would have to be a whole lot more laid back than I am, we stayed with my IL's part of the time I was pregnant and it was very very difficult. It wasn't a have to situation. Dh wanted to spend some time with his dad, we found a really good OB/GYN there and our house was 800 miles away. Dh was in between contract jobs. We could have stayed at our house, but then dh wouldn't have had the time with his dad or we could have stayed in a hotel which would have been extremely expensive especially when you not getting any income other than unemployment. I have too many of my own ideas about how dd should be raised. Dh and I are on the same page with almost all of it. However that is not the case with my IL's and they don't know how to hold their tongue. As for my mom, my dh would butt heads with her to much and she wouldn't respect boundaries either. I do think my mom would be somewhat easier just because she is still working and doesn't plan to retire anytime soon. My dh thinks it would be too difficult anyway. Edited October 9, 2012 by Mama Geek Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oakblossoms Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 We live in a large duplex on 5 acres with my parents and my Grandma. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beaners Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Well, my father regularly cites the fact that he and my mother lived with his parents early in their marriage as a major contributing factor in my parents' divorce. It wasn't because of the in-law relationship or the stress of sharing a home. It was because there was too much of a safety net for too long, in his opinion. In retrospect, I agree with his assessment. That doesn't mean everyone would have that same problem just because they shared a home, of course. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 I could see it as a 2 family house but not as in them sharing all living spaces. We lived in the basement apartment with ILs our first year of marriage. I will say it actually all went well. We had a kitchen, bath, living and bedroom. Inlaws had a 3 bedroom home on the main floor. We shared the laundry area but each had locks to our parts of the house from there. We would honestly go days without seeing inlaws. The only person we saw more frequently was BIL who was single and liked to come and visit when he smelled supper. It was only once in a while so not a big deal. Our 3 of our kids have special needs so may be with us VERY long term. Our new house is great though as the girls each have a bedroom and share a bath on the 2nd floor--along with a room that could be a "living room". Ds has the basement which has a large bath (with room for another laundry), a family room and a bedroom down there. There is even room to put in a small kitchenette if we wanted. Then dh and I have a mainfloor master. The key would be for the grandparents to let their kids raise the grandkids without interference. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 (edited) No. My in-laws were really great, gave us lots of space, weren't nosey or meddling at all, and were all around really pleasant, but... Speaking as a wife --- I think a couple, especially a recently married couple, need their own place in which to develop their own relationship. I don't think this happens with the in-laws or parents around so closely. Even if you adore your mother or mother-in-law, as a wife, there is always the fact that this is not really your own house, and I truly believe a woman, a wife, needs to be able to make her own home in her own way with her own husband. It had been our plan to stay, and I might have been able to do that, but about half-way through my pregnancy, I realized that I needed to nest in my own nest. Dh felt the same way, too, so maybe men get the nesting instinct as well. Our decision to move into our own place was in no way a reflection on my in-laws. It was out of our need to be our own family. While co-living has its advantages, independence as a couple is, IMO, necessary to the health of a good marriage. ETA: I should also add that it was not an easy thing for my dh to leave that house. He had never lived anywhere else, so as an unmarried adult, it worked very well, but as a married man with a child on the way, it wasn't what was best for him or for us. Fast forward a few more years, and we do now live in that house, but his mother is dead and his father remarried, so it is now our home. Edited October 9, 2012 by Audrey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 I think, in general, American culture teaches us to value independence instead of relying on interdependence. It's hard to get over that when it's so ingrained. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 I say this gently. No matter how well you get along with your children now, they are bound to have different philosophies than you do. Are you prepared to stay out of it if they choose a different way of raising their children? A different course for their marriage? Their faith? To not take sides between them and their spouse during an argument? What if they want to decorate the house differently than you? I ask because I know it wouldn't work well HERE if my children decided to stay with us long term, as adults with their own children. I want to spoil my grandchildren, not raise them. But then, we aren't "village" type people either :D. My husband grew up in a multigenerational Italian home. He lived there with his parents and grandparents. Sometimes it went well, other times not so well. It was certainly for the best when his mother passed - that he had his grandmother there to help ease the pain, and that she was already a mother figure in his life, helped the grief process considerably for a broken hearted 11 year old. It can work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 I would love it if my kids married and decided to take up residence with us. We could all work less, save more, and there would be less childcare worries. However, I lived with both my parents & in-laws when we were young marrieds and it wasn't fun. Now it was also a temporary things with all of us knowing that. I wouldn't want my kids and spouses living with us if they didn't want to. I would like to think living with us would be more pleasant than our experiences with our parents. But we also grew closer being in our own place. Is this just not a concept most Americans can grasp? I do believe it could work but I believe each family would definitely need their own space. I think if you have it so there is a common kitchen/laundry/dining areas, even a common family room but that each family would also have a small living room, and kitchen/dinet area that they could draw away in if wanted. There would also have to be the understanding that NO ONE would be offended when those areas were used instead of joining the main area/family areas. Because of our family situation my middle son and I have talked about such but we have more talked about purchasing acres together and each having our own house. Living close but not in the same house. I think for us that would be a better solution. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth S Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 As I opened this thread, I was assuming it was discussing housing our aged parents . . . not our adult children. I have seen families make it work, out of necessity. But I am heartily against it. I would likely advise an engaged couple to absolutely avoid living with parents at least for the first year. I joke that even camping out in a tent would be preferable! Dh and I desire to have close, supportive relationships with our adult children, but I just think the young couple gives up their autonomy, and their private space to work out their differences without the in-laws remembering (and having a hard time forgiving) the offending spouse. I especially admire the guy who can live with his in-laws! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 I could make it work with dd, but in no way would it work with my mom. As much as we wanted it to work there is no way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 After having Wolf's nephew w/us for a time, I came to a firm conclusion. Unless I've married or birthed you, no way in Hades. And I doubt we'd do well once our kids were adults. Dynamics change. I just don't think I'd manage w/more adults in the house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 I think as Americans we have become a little spoiled in the area of housing. It really seems that throughout history, and in other areas of the world, that typically families *did* live together. I think the maturity of all the parties involved needs to be...well developed. I would gladly share our home with any my dc and their spouses/families. I would also welcome any/all of mine or dh's parents. I don't think it would be a walk in the park, but I do think the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. Financially, it's a definite winner. Emotionally, it's really dependent on all parties involved. If everyone is respectful of each other, it can be a little like having the best roommates possible, but with a ton more love/caring. I absolutely think it would be best if my dc are able to establish their own homes, but I'd share ours without a second thought. The way it's going though, it's more likely to be my dc who will need to consider whether they are willing to share their home with me and my dh! :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Even if you adore your mother or mother-in-law, as a wife, there is always the fact that this is not really your own house, and I truly believe a woman, a wife, needs to be able to make her own home in her own way with her own husband. It had been our plan to stay, and I might have been able to do that, but about half-way through my pregnancy, I realized that I needed to nest in my own nest. Dh felt the same way, too, so maybe men get the nesting instinct as well. Our decision to move into our own place was in no way a reflection on my in-laws. It was out of our need to be our own family. While co-living has its advantages, independence as a couple is, IMO, necessary to the health of a good marriage. ETA: I should also add that it was not an easy thing for my dh to leave that house. He had never lived anywhere else, so as an unmarried adult, it worked very well, but as a married man with a child on the way, it wasn't what was best for him or for us. . Wow audrey, I could almost have posted the same thing! I actually said the same thing to my DH - "I need to nest in my own nest!" Now, we lived in our own home for 9 years, and have recently moved back in with parents while we re-settle. I will not be doing it again. :tongue_smilie::boxing_smiley: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 I would live with my mother in a heartbeat. She is pleasant, positive, and easy to get along with. HIS mother is a dark cloud of gloom that can suck the joy out of a room. My grandmother says that no house is big enough for two women, but she recently moved in with Mom. :D. My grandfather lived with Mom when he could no longer live alone until he died. It was only for about 3 years, but they both really enjoyed it. I can see it being ALL about personality types. People who don't know how to get along with other folks would have a much less satisfying experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 I find this idea appealing. Clearly it wouldn't be enjoyable in every case, but I think it could work more often than people think. I think it takes some changing in thinking on all sides - I think you really have to accept for example that grandparents and aunts and uncles will be helping raise your children in a concrete way. I think there is a lot to be gained from that though. I think having well thought out space would be important. An arrangement with separate houses on one piece of land or duplexes or flats seems like it would be best to me. And you'd need to have clear expectations and ways of addressing changes if required. But these are the same things that face other families that live together, not just those who are related. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 We did a VERY short term living arrangement with my mom, stepfather, adult stepbrother, college student sister, high school sister, dh, myself, and oldest ds (toddler at the time) in a 3bd 1.5ba house. We all look back onit fondly but, again, it was very short term. Under a year. I would gladly bring all of us (including added spouses and children) back together... on the same property, in seperate houses! I'd probably enjoy doing the same with my grown kids. I have way more personal space issues than I used to! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LisaKinVA Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 DH and I lived for 10 years with my family in my parent's house. Should we remain in the area, we plan to have them move in with us (goal being we get a place together within the next 5 years). It is possible, if there are clear boundaries that are respected. It is helpful, if each has private areas. We would like to have an apartment for my parents, that had 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms a small kitchen and living area...an area that could be locked off from the rest of the house. However, when extended family came (like my brothers, my nieces/nephews, etc.) the house was open to everyone... We have offered our house to my BILs who are both out of work, should they need to come to the area to find jobs. And, like the OP, I would like to make the option for my grown/married children to live with us as well, so I hope I am building relationships with them that will make that possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 I know families where it worked out, but far more where it didn't - it *really* depends upon the people involved. It requires a great deal of respect from all parties, and only takes one to make every one miserable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritaserum Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 Dh's parents moved in with us and lived here for three years. It caused major conflict within my marriage and I hated being in my own home. My MIL lacked appropriate boundaries and I greatly value personal privacy/autonomy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth in MN Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 My Mom, my dd and I make up a household. By the time we all moved in together we had a lot of issues worked out. My mom had been a Dr Spock person who believed in cry-it-out. It worked for her. I, on the other hand, am an AP mom and am a Dr Sears groupie. So when I was pregnant with dd and announced co-sleeping my mother thought I had cooked my brain in too many hormones. But as she saw it happen she agreed it worked. There were only two real clash point when we wove the family home 1) labeling behavior rather than the child (i.e. "That was naught to do" VS "You're a naughty girl") and b) spanking. With the labeling issue, that just happened once. Annabelle ran off when Mom had called her in. Mom said "You're a bad girl" and I explained why I didn't say that and what I did say instead. There was a little grumbling but Mom did see the logic of it. Spanking, that was an on going issue. A BIG on-going issue. I didn't want to be a spanking mom but I'm not a saint so a few times I did spanking DD. My Mom was more inclined to spanking earlier. One time she spanked my dd and I just lost it on her. Huge screaming fight later and she agreed to not spank dd again. I'm happy to report that it's been eight years since that last swat. Now, I wove a multi-generational home with my own mother, who has been involved in my life since I was a mass of splitting cells. She did the single mother cha-cha when I was in my teens and had been a stay-at-home mom until I was a preschooler. We're tight. We have had the same experiences together and know each other well. Because of all that history this home works. We respect and love each other and if a problem comes up we work it out. Our family culture and history is the same, so there is never conflict there. Could I have done this with my ex-MIL. I don't think so, not at all. Everything about her and I are very different. she's anti-religion, I'm very religious. She likes talking about unusual surgeries (she was a nurse, her husband a surgeon) at the dinner table - I have a low gag reflex. She hands kids off to a professional to raise and I... am an AP home schooling mom. My ex-MIL is a great lady, but if we lived together.. it's end up on 20/20. I have one very basic piece of advice about creating multi-generational homes - the oldest mama gets to set up the kitchen. If she's your own mother this is great because you already understand how the kitchen works. It's logic you were raised with. If not, learn quickly and NEVER berate the system she has set up over decades. This suggestion can extend to loading the dish washer and washing the laundry. Lastly, get comfortable with people coming in to relieve themselves when you are showering or brushing your teeth. There is no privacy in that regard anymore because there are just not enough bathrooms. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sewingmama Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 (edited) No thanks - as much as I love my mum - I don't want to live with her (but I'd be ok with her living next door) :) The in-laws -no way - I have enough problems picking up after one man - I don't want another to clean up after :glare: There is a reason my DH has the bad habits he does. I could never live with my siblings - a few days of them staying is all I can take - they live completely different lifestyles -not what I want to raise my kids seeing at all. That being said -if my mother was frail and needed looking after - yes she could move in. The in-laws -still no because I don't have the relationship it would take to comfortably care for them KWIM. My siblings are SOL -I'd send them off to a nursing home :lol: Edited October 10, 2012 by sewingmama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 (edited) To me, that comes under the heading of fantastic idea but rarely works. I would love to live with my parents if they were the kind of people I'd love to live with. But with them being the kind of people they are, and us being the kind of people we are, NO WAY! Being very introverted and somewhat eccentric, I have a pretty low tolerance of other people being in my home for longer than a few days. Even having somebody to stay for a couple of weeks can get on my nerves if I'm not careful to stay calm, and having my parents constantly judging my kids and my parenting approach would be just too much. There seem to be so very few grandparents who have all the necessary qualities: healthy and active but not too busy to spend time with the grandchildren; interested and involved, but not interfering and happy to follow the parents' approach to bringing up the kids. I know that multi-generational living is very common in some cultures / areas, but I seriously wonder how many people actively choose this because it's happier / easier vs how many are obliged to due to financial limitations or sheer weight of cultural expectations. Edited October 10, 2012 by Hotdrink Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 My aunt and I can only share a property because it's large enough that we can't see each others house. We like each other, but have large personal space. :) Sharing a house would be unhealthy for both of us. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparkygirl Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 I think the response to this question really comes from each family's experiences. DH and I are in serious discussions with my parents to form a multigenerational home. We are meeting with builders and looking at home plans that will accommodate all 8 of us. My grandmother (96 years old), My parents, DH and I, bonus kids 12 and 10 plus our daughter who is 2. DH has also placed on the table that the house needs to have a bedroom available for his mother. My parents each grew up in a multigenerational home with their parents, siblings, grandparents and/or great aunts. My own parents had a multigenerational home from the time I was 10 until I moved out at 25, my brother, parents and grandma still all live together. We have very specific requirements for our multigenerational home to ensure that everyone can peacefully co-exist. We opted to not have a traditional two family home but rather to share some communal living space. There will be four bedrooms and two bathrooms on the upper level, we are hoping to be able to also have a second floor bonus room to serve as our family room. This will be our family main living area. The first floor will have a Owner's suite for my parents and the study will be a bedroom for my grandmother as long as she is with us. We will share the Kitchen, Dinning Room, Morning Room, Family Room and Living Room. The basement will be finished with a guest bedroom for my brother and his fiancé when they come to visit, as well as possibly become my MIL's room should she no longer be able to live on her own. As well as a rec room, and a few other finished/unfinished spaces. Multigenerational living can work with consideration to everyones needs as well as open communication about responsibilities and expectations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zebra Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 It doesn't work, at all, usually. I've lived it during various times as a child and an adult, and it's a nightmare. And no, I don't think it's just about being "spoiled Americans". People used to live together and work a farm together. Everyone had the same goal, and got up at the same time, etc etc etc. Now families go in 15 different directions, and it's a totally different thing. You need 2 extremely mentally healthy parties involved, to begin with. Then I really think you need your own space, with very firm boundaries in place. I just don't think most of the time adults living together in the same space works that well. Maybe a duplex or a very private apartment, but not the same house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 It doesn't work, at all, usually. I've lived it during various times as a child and an adult, and it's a nightmare. And no, I don't think it's just about being "spoiled Americans". People used to live together and work a farm together. Everyone had the same goal, and got up at the same time, etc etc etc. Now families go in 15 different directions, and it's a totally different thing. My in laws do not live in the US. No one lives by themselves. There are multiple sisters sharing a house with their husbands and kids. There are adult children, their spouses, and one set of parents. There are unmarried nephews/nieces who are working or going to school who move in. There is a very free form style to the house. People do not all do the same thing. Some people are going to work or school, some are staying home. People leave to run errands and socialize. There are old people, young kids, and everyone in between. People may sit together at one or two meals a day, but otherwise there is no expectation that everyone is all sitting around doing the same thing all day long. Some people have a maid living with them as well. Seriously, there is no concept of privacy. No one has it and no one really expects it. People perceive life as a communal affair. Of course, my in laws have no alternative because no one lives by themselves. Even rich people. ;) It is completely culturally alien. Old people don't live by themselves, ever. The help sharing the cooking cannot be underestimated. And housing is super expensive. But people also don't really argue with their parents. There is an attempt to be fairly respectful to the aged. But for both financial and cultural reasons, there is no alternative. So people try to make the best of it. I say, sign me up. I would be much, much happier to have * at least one other adult to talk to during the day * someone to help watch my kids * someone to help cook Sign me up. I have told my children, especially my daughter, that I will live with her and watch her kids for her so she can work. So far she seems uninterested and says she'll be living with her brother. ;) She has promised to take care of my husband when she's old, though. ha ha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jane in NC Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 My in laws do not live in the US. No one lives by themselves. There are multiple sisters sharing a house with their husbands and kids. There are adult children, their spouses, and one set of parents. There are unmarried nephews/nieces who are working or going to school who move in. There is a very free form style to the house. People do not all do the same thing. Some people are going to work or school, some are staying home. People leave to run errands and socialize. There are old people, young kids, and everyone in between. People may sit together at one or two meals a day, but otherwise there is no expectation that everyone is all sitting around doing the same thing all day long. Some people have a maid living with them as well. Seriously, there is no concept of privacy. No one has it and no one really expects it. People perceive life as a communal affair. Of course, my in laws have no alternative because no one lives by themselves. Even rich people. ;) It is completely culturally alien. Old people don't live by themselves, ever. The help sharing the cooking cannot be underestimated. And housing is super expensive. But people also don't really argue with their parents. There is an attempt to be fairly respectful to the aged. But for both financial and cultural reasons, there is no alternative. So people try to make the best of it. I say, sign me up. I would be much, much happier to have * at least one other adult to talk to during the day * someone to help watch my kids * someone to help cook Sign me up. I have told my children, especially my daughter, that I will live with her and watch her kids for her so she can work. So far she seems uninterested and says she'll be living with her brother. ;) She has promised to take care of my husband when she's old, though. ha ha Thanks for interesting perspective. I have encountered this in "summer culture". Families that own old cottages often pile up on each other for a few weeks or even months in the summer. Teenagers carry things for the elderly. Young parents can take a walk while the baby is sleeping since someone is there to keep an eye on him. Cooking is a communal affair. I have always thought the arrangement was wonderful but understood that it was also a slice of time outside of normal reality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lailasmum Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 (edited) We do it and it works for us probably becuase my mum is on her own and very laid back, plus we are all particularly close, we've been living together for about 9 years now. There is no way I would do it with dh's family though. It has huge benefits if it works. I don't think you can generalise about whether it works or not. It either happens that you get a group of people who get along in all the areas that this sort of living requires, or you don't. Edited October 10, 2012 by lailasmum Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jpoy85 Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 I could not live with my ILs and I tried numerous times. I dont even know if i could live with my own parents (mostly my mom). I know DH couldnt do it. for us? too many boundary issues and not enough common sense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 Thanks for interesting perspective. I have encountered this in "summer culture". Families that own old cottages often pile up on each other for a few weeks or even months in the summer. Teenagers carry things for the elderly. Young parents can take a walk while the baby is sleeping since someone is there to keep an eye on him. Cooking is a communal affair. I have always thought the arrangement was wonderful but understood that it was also a slice of time outside of normal reality. I think it also depends how similar people are or if they can handle deviations well. For example, if everyone in the family eats the same -- great! If one wing is vegan and the other have beef at every meal, not so great. Same with any other massive dietary differences. But in some cases, someone might, for example, normally cook a certain type of food themselves but be perfectly willing to eat something else, in which case it could work. I know for myself, I get tired of eating my in laws' food. Not because it isn't reasonably tasty, but it's not "my" food. I make some things that they enjoy, while other things have them cackling and gathering around to stare at it, daring each other to taste it. Other lifestyle issues may be very homogenized in some cultures. For example, sleeping habits, eating habits, and what activities people pursue. I think Americans are very diverse in how they live. I live nothing like my mother, and neither of us lives anything like her mother. We eat very differently as well. That level of adjustment is hard to keep up for even a week, much less longer. Parents are also typically fairly involved in at least some segments of American culture. Parents want to know who their kids' friends are, they pay their cell phone bill, and monitor their activities. In other cultures, teens, especially boys, are implicitly trusted and have a lot more freetime. Perhaps surprisingly, in places that are not very car-dependent, teens and children actually end up having more freedom of movement because more activities and places are easy to get to independently. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted October 10, 2012 Author Share Posted October 10, 2012 Thanks, everyone (sorry I posted and didn't come back, had an unexpected emergency). It's interesting to read the different viewpoints. So many other cultures do it and make it work. Here large multi-generational families of Samoans live together and make it work. I don't know if it would work for us. I can definitely see the drawbacks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trinchick Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 I've been in this situation from a couple of perspectives. Growing up, my mom and grandmother were both widowed, and we all lived together. From my perspective it worked great, but Mom has commented that shee felt like there was never a lot of time that was "just us" without my grandmother. It also changed the dynamic, I think, between my grandmother and her other grandchildren with whom she did not live. She didn't have the same closeness with them, but nor did she witness the day-to-day pain-in-the-neck factor of the other kids. Now as an adult, wife, and mother, we have my mom living with us. We bought a house specifically with intergenerational living in mind. There are two master suites (on separate floors) and two living rooms (with lots of space between them) so we can get some distance between us when necessary. The kitchen is shared, which is an occasional source of irritation but generally is OK. Most of the time it works. I know my kids adore my mother and the time they spend with her. My DH feels a bit differently and many times should be a candidate for sainthood. My mother is very opinionated and now that she is aging doesn't get out much. Without other outlets for her ideas, we hear all of them. As her DD I can take it with a grain of salt, but sometimes it really grates on DH, who however always remains respectful, no matter what outlandish things she may say (including some thinly veiled criticisms). Like I said, candidate for sainthood. She relies on me, as her only child, for all appointments and social activities. I can honestly say that it has been YEARS since I have been alone in the house. That is my greatest dissatisfaction with the situation. In some ways I have lost my own identity as wife/mother since there is constantly (CONSTANTLY!!) another adult female presence in the home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritaserum Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 Even though dh's parents had their own separate apartment with a separate entrance, the arrangement didn't work. They could hear everything we did when we were on the main floor. MIL constantly barged into our part of the house at any time of day or night without asking. It made me jumpy never to have an assurance of privacy in my own home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mama2cntrykids Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 My mother has lived with us, and at first, it was fine. It quickly turned into me wondering when she was going to move out:tongue_smilie:. I'm sorry, I love my mother and I enjoy spending time with her, but it wasn't easy living together. She's actually pretty easy to live with...it was ME that was the problem. I like things how I like them. Sorry if that's selfish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 Well, at least one of my children says he's going to stay with me forever, so maybe it'll happen. :) (I told him that he's welcome to stay with us as long as he wants, but that at some point, he'll probably want his own home with his wife.) I think it's nice when a newly married couple has its own place, but I think the multi-generational thing can be done well. In the Amish fiction I've read, one of the sons gets the main house/farm when he's ready, and the parents move into a smaller house on the property, maybe attached to the main house. I think that's nice for the son's wife because she gets to run her own household, not be a guest in her MIL's house, but she's got the company of her MIL to help with kids, cooking, etc. I love my parents and ILs, but I like having my own space. Otoh, there are a lot of times when I wish either grandmother was closer. I fully expect we'll have at least one parent live with us at some point (I'd say my mom is most likely), and I think it would be okay. We'd make it work. Especially because of the economic struggles, we've talked casually with our own kids about us living with them someday, and of course, right now, they all think that sounds great. ;) For me -- give me a room in your home, but you be in charge of running it; I'll help you out and be an extra pair of hands to help with the little ones or fold laundry or whatever. I'll keep my knitting out of your way and won't demand anything special. Yes, please! (What else can I do to show my gratitude for someone who chose to think as highly of my child as I do?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zebra Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 We do it and it works for us probably becuase my mum is on her own and very laid back, plus we are all particularly close. There is no way I would do it with dh's family though. It has huge benefits if it works. I don't think you can generalise about whether it works or not. It either happens that you get a group of people who get along in all the areas that this sort of living requires, or you don't. When you live with a relative with no boundaries, and I mean NO BOUNDARIES, it's a whole other thing. If everyone involved is not mentally ill, maybe it would work. I think I have PTSD from my experiences, honestly ;). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 (edited) ....... Edited October 13, 2012 by ksva Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 My mother grew up with two grandparents in the home for some of the time (one was still there when I was a kid). It worked from the standpoint that no one got divorced or anything... but the dynamics were wrong in the house to the point that my parents are ADAMANT now they will not live in their kid's homes. If they get where they are not able to care for themselves, put them in a nursing home because they won't do that to their kids or grandchildren. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ocelotmom Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 (edited) As I opened this thread, I was assuming it was discussing housing our aged parents . . . not our adult children. I have seen families make it work, out of necessity. But I am heartily against it. I think it is important to keep in mind that "out of necessity" and "out of mutual benefit/liking" are two different things. When one party is dependent on the other, financially or otherwise, it creates a difficult power dynamic. When all adult parties are living there by choice and have the freedom to pick up and move if the situation is not to their liking, then they can't assert control over eachother in the same way they could if one is providing for the other, so you are less likely to get the overstepping of boundaries that keeps getting brought up. But this is the only type of situation that most people have any experience with in this country. I do agree that separate residences/living areas are helpful, and adequate space for everyone is important. For what it's worth, I grew up living in the apartment immediately next door to my grandparents (separate residences, but sharing a wall). They owned the building, we paid rent, though less than market value for the area. My parents were both employed and capable of supporting us separately, but we probably wouldn't have been able to live in that town on their salaries. It was great. If there was overstepping of boundaries that bothered my parents, I was never aware of it. My dad and grandparents still live there, and, though my parents are divorced, my mother still keeps in touch with them. I've considered seeing if our family could move into one of the other apartments because it really did work out well. When this thread came up, I totally didn't think of this in relation to it, because it felt so utterly normal and noncontentious. I've also spent most of my adulthood living with unrelated housemates, and it's worked out at least tolerably. Edited October 10, 2012 by ocelotmom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerico Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 Me and my children lived with my parents for 3 weeks while we were prepping our house for sale/moving to a different state. It was 3 weeks too long. I can barely stand to be at my in-laws for more than a few days. Both families have a tendency to smother and try to make decisions for us. It would never work. I want my children to go out and have their own place and space for their family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 I think it is important to keep in mind that "out of necessity" and "out of mutual benefit/liking" are two different things. When one party is dependent on the other, financially or otherwise, it creates a difficult power dynamic. When all adult parties are living there by choice and have the freedom to pick up and move if the situation is not to their liking, then they can't assert control over eachother in the same way they could if one is providing for the other, so you are less likely to get the overstepping of boundaries that keeps getting brought up. But this is the only type of situation that most people have any experience with in this country. I do agree that separate residences/living areas are helpful, and adequate space for everyone is important. For what it's worth, I grew up living in the apartment immediately next door to my grandparents (separate residences, but sharing a wall). They owned the building, we paid rent, though less than market value for the area. My parents were both employed and capable of supporting us separately, but we probably wouldn't have been able to live in that town on their salaries. It was great. If there was overstepping of boundaries that bothered my parents, I was never aware of it. My dad and grandparents still live there, and, though my parents are divorced, my mother still keeps in touch with them. I've considered seeing if our family could move into one of the other apartments because it really did work out well. When this thread came up, I totally didn't think of this in relation to it, because it felt so utterly normal and noncontentious. I've also spent most of my adulthood living with unrelated housemates, and it's worked out at least tolerably. Ours was a voluntary thing and it was still very difficult, but my MIL is a very pushy and can get down right mean, to the point of her trying to pick fights and trying to manipulate people into doing things that were totally not reasonable. It really all depends on the parties involved. There are a few people that I could do possibly live with and it would be much better if it was on mutual turf as in buy or rent a place together instead of moving in with some one or them moving in with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ocelotmom Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 Ours was a voluntary thing and it was still very difficult, but my MIL is a very pushy and can get down right mean, to the point of her trying to pick fights and trying to manipulate people into doing things that were totally not reasonable. It really all depends on the parties involved. I do agree with this. There are some people who you just want to have as much distance from as you can :p Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaOfalotta Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 Aaaabbbbsolutely not! I am speaking from experience. It. Is. HORRIBLE. But then again... my mother and I have never gotten along. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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