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Help me help dd!

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I have explained functional behavior assessments to dd and how they relate to ds. I have explained and shown her how our behavior directly impacts ds's behavior. Dd said she was willing to get on board 100% with ds's new behavior plan.


So far, IT'S WORKING! I can see it, but dd is having a hard time with something.


We went over actual terms; antecedent, consequence, frequency, duration, intensity, etc.


Ds's duration of carp (non physical) given to dd has decreased, but the intensity ramps up very quick, and dies down very quick. The frequency has gone down a little as well.


When he does get physical, i am right there to redirect him (i have punished this kid for 7 years with no luck, so please dont bash this) and as long as dd stays calm, it's over very quick.


What else can i do for dd? She is doing amazing at keeping calm in the moment, and has been willing to go right back to what they were doing. If she holds a visible grudge (rightfully so), he ramps right back up.


I can see her starting to get (again, rightfully) annoyed at keeping it together. I am doing everything i can think of to give her quality time with me, and i have been praising her like crazy when she follows the plan (out of earshot of ds).


She will be spending a weekend with her grandfather next month so she'll have a complete break then. However, post weekend, ds will ramp up everything to the extreme, and if dd and i can hold strong, it will decrease quickly.


Any words of wisdom for dd? What else should i be doing to help her get through this rollercoaster of the next couple weeks and months?


This behavior plan IS WORKING! I have never seen ds cycle through so many tactics during one behavioral tantrum. My target is his carp directed at dd, so unfortunately, she has to be as involved as she is.


I am right there for 9.99 out of 10 issues that arise, but we're past talking each other through an incident. We go over the plan every chance we get, and she has even reminded me to do or not do something! I completely understand that she is only 11, but this is almost 8 years of carp and shes willing. I give her as many opportunities to get out of a situation as possible. If i see him starting to get annoyed, i'll send her to "fold laundry" in her room, or ask her to do something else for me.


His carp towards her is attention seeking. Negative attention, which is what he had been getting, is better than no attention. We have flipped it, so she and i (related to her) give him more positive. If something is annoying (poking) one of us will redirect. If it is physically hurtful (a hit), i get her out and redirect him.


I'm all over the place in this post because i know plenty will disagree about dd playing such a big part, or the seeming lack of consequences, or any number of things. I just want to show dd how incredibly proud i am of her, help her get through the increase that will be coming soon, but also maintain her progress of completing school work, keeping up on personal hygiene, etc.

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Does she have a place she can go for a short break such as her room? If not that would probably help her. If you haven't already I would set up some sort of code word or phrase if she finds she can't take anymore and needs a break.


It sounds like a stressful situation for everyone.:grouphug:

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She can go into the bathroom or her bedroom at any time. Every incident really is short. If we're out, i will have her get something from a different isle if needed.


We were at the store earlier and ds tried to grab dd's hand. Dd said please do not grab me. He says fine, and started poking her while saying "jab, jab, jab-jab-jab-jab." Dd responded with with "jab one more time and it's a federal crime" (from the simpsons), and they both just started laughing. The whole thing was maybe 10 seconds. He stopped touching her. Prior to our behavior plan, either me or her would have yelled at him for trying to grab her hand, he'd get really out of control trying to mess with her, and we would have left without getting what we needed.

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Congrats to you and your dd for being consistent!! It can be so challenging.


During a difficult transition time, dd and I kept a notebook and wrote back and forth to each other. It was special for us and dd could reread the encouragement and gratitude. I added little drawings, jokes, stickers etc. At the time ds was too young to care...if he'd been older he might have wanted a book too.

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