saraha Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 (edited) Leftover mad feelings, that is what I tell my kids they are when they are still mad at a sibling and the sibling has done everything they can to make it right, or was humble and apologized etc. How do you deal with them as an adult? I recently was very angry at someone in my life, and this someone responded very appropriately. Without defensiveness or excuses they admitted that they made a stupid choice and apologized for hurting me. I am satisfied with their response, however I am still mad! On the outside I am prepared to show them the grace I would want shown to me when they come home in a few days, but right now I just keep replaying all the things I wish I could have added, still thinking to myself "In what universe did they think this could possibly be the right choice" etc. How do I get rid of the leftover mad feelings and let it go? Oh, and it was not a marriage altering happening, just a case of bad decision making. Thanks Edited October 6, 2012 by saraha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 I don't know. I struggle with this. For me, trying to hand it over to God to deal with is about the only way I know to cope with those feelings. They aren't easy to rationalize away. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 I think it's something that only time will heal. You can't force yourself to feel differently, even if you think you "should." :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 Time. It takes time. If they have (as in the adult case you mentioned) done the right things, and you've accepted it, then it becomes your responsibility to deliberately turn your mind to something else, something positive, when the thoughts that reinforce mad come along. It's ok and expected that the mad thoughts come - your power is in what you do with them. Do you feed, water, pamper and welcome them and allow them to grow? Or do you make your mind an inhospitable place for the mad thoughts, and plant other things (positive thoughts, scripture, good sayings, a to do list ;)). So, to answer your question: It's human to continue to have mad feelings. It's human to continue to have those feelings. Our part in the relationship is to be responsible for our own mad feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 Time. It takes time. If they have (as in the adult case you mentioned) done the right things, and you've accepted it, then it becomes your responsibility to deliberately turn your mind to something else, something positive, when the thoughts that reinforce mad come along. It's ok and expected that the mad thoughts come - your power is in what you do with them. Do you feed, water, pamper and welcome them and allow them to grow? Or do you make your mind an inhospitable place for the mad thoughts, and plant other things (positive thoughts, scripture, good sayings, a to do list ;)). So, to answer your question: It's human to continue to have mad feelings. It's human to continue to have those feelings. Our part in the relationship is to be responsible for our own mad feelings. Profound. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted October 6, 2012 Author Share Posted October 6, 2012 Thank you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Isabella Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) is a very effective way to deal with these kind of left over feelings. I usually say, while tapping the different points, 'I still have some mad feelings about (this or that), but I completely accept myself'. Usually as you go along (I do it for a couple of minutes), other things will pop into my head, which I also verbalise (eg. I'm mad that you don't care...I'm mad that you were so insensitive...It made me furious when you...etc) It's important to verbalize all the feelings, so if it made you so mad you could swear - do that while you tap (eg....You ***** bi*** - I hate you!) It's hurting no-one, and it's clearing the 'not nice' expressions that you feel, but would never want to say). This is really a tool to accept your feelings. Your body/mind has these legitimate feelings, and if you keep pushing them down, they keep popping up because they need to be validated and accepted, not denied existence. When we do accept them, verbalize them, validate them, go over them, and completely accept ourselves despite having these thoughts, they diminish, and cause no more problems by waving their hands at us to remind us they are there. The memory of the incident will always be there, but the hurt associated with it will not bother us. A lot of small things bother us, but we are able to deal with it - it's just the incidents that incur deeper feelings that we then think are 'wrong' and try to deny them any space. I will remind my daughter (I have one that is receptive to it - 2 that are not) to tap if something bothers her for too long. Also prayer is very effective - alone or in combination with EFT Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 I think it's something that only time will heal. You can't force yourself to feel differently, even if you think you "should." :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: :iagree: Well said. I think it's unrealistic to think an apology erases all hurts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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